%%
Button: Everyone is looking at you staring at my tits
%%
Button: Nuke the baby seals for Jesus
%%
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
%%
	"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
didn't believe in God."
	"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "but the
God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
					-- Joseph Heller
%%
Sex is not the answer.	Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
%%
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
the country was hopelessly trapped.
				-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%%
	"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
matter what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly
pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
merriment.
	"Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
				-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%%
CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
	We'll be of the opposite sex.

Chorus:
	Clone, clone of my own,
	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
	And when we're alone,
	Since her mind is my own,
	She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
				-- Randall Garrett
%%
Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
%%
Sex is like a bridge game --
If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
%%
Do something big -- fuck a giant
%%
I came; I saw; I fucked up
%%
	In the beginning was the DEMO Project.	And the Project was
without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So
they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
and it stinks."

	And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."  Now,
the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
and none may abide by its strength."

	And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
it is very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
growth of the Laboratories."

	And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
it was Good!
%%
Grain grows best in shit
		-- U. K. LeGuin
%%
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
%%
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
	He fell on his cutlass
	Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
%%
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
	But the banister broke
	So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
%%
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
	A curious mole
	Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
%%
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
	And the cube of its weight
	Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..
%%
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
	Let _V be virginity
	Approaching infinity;
Let _P be a constant persuasion;

"Let _V over _P be inverted
With the square root of _M_u inserted
	_N times into _V ...
	The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
%%
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
	While this worthy had fits
	The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
%%
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
	Saw a man come along
	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
%%
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
	His father said, "Durcan!
	Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
%%
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
	But another, more sane,
	Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
%%
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
	Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
	I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
%%
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
	A virgin named Joan
	From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
%%
"As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it
was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed."
%%
	... But among the children of the Great Society there were those
whose skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly, and of
the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat...
	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
they called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
people go to the front of the bus."
	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
%%
Ass: The masculine of "lass".
%%
Opinions are like assholes - everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
look at the other guy's.
					-- Hal Hickman
%%
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
	He chuckled with mirth,
	For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
%%
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
%%
Coito ergo sum
%%
God is not dead -- he's been busted
%%
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus
has the pricks on the outside.
%%
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
%%
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
%%
Getting an education at the University of California is like
having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
%%
	Them Toad Suckers

How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!

Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.

Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!

Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!

How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
				-- Mason Williams
%%
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
	Because in their haste
	They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
%%
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
  She let herself go
  For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
%%
John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
					-- Edward P. Morgan
%%
"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
scruples and the police."
					-- Mr. Dooley
%%
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
   Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
   Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
   Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
   Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
   'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
   On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away
   Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
   Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
   "I drink, therefore I am"
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
   A lovely little thinker
But a bugger when he's pissed!
			-- Monty Python
%%
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
%%
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
inconsistent with a life of sin.
%%
Gravity is a myth, the earth sucks.
%%
Sex is a misdemeanor -- the more I miss, de meaner I get.
%%
Ahh shit!!!
%%
Everyone knows that the name of the game is to let the other guy have all of
the little tats and to keep all of the big tits for yourself.
					-- Thomas L. Martin
%%
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
					-- Lyndon B. Johnson
%%
Ingratitude is the crack in the sewer that turns the sweet waters of life
into a running shit pot.
					-- Italo Bombolini
%%
Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God
is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
%%
Southside Johnny prefers singing to sex.
%%
The Android greets his friends politely And veils behind his lowered lids
the jealousy which plagues him nightly Because he can't have sex, or kids.
%%
The doctor hoped to save for science An abnormal baby, bred Of who knows
what mad misalliance ... Too late. One head's already dead.
%%
The hypnotist is fascinating Mary in her modest gown, Meantime mentally
debating: Is she blonde the whole way down?
%%
"The purpose of having the sun go low in the evenings, in the summer,
especially in parks," said the voice earnestly, "is to make girls'
breasts bob up and down more clearly to the eye. I am convinced that
this is the case.
"And I am certain that if one worked the argument through, one would
find that it flowed with perfect naturalness and logic from every-
thing," he insisted, "that Darwin was going on about. This is cer-
tain. This is indisputable. And," he added, "I love it."
				-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
	GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because you
are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing
incest.
%%
	LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.  If
you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for employment
and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are prostitutes.
All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
%%
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
   San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
%%
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
					-- Gloria Steinem
%%
CALIFORNIA:  From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English
'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual
intercourse" or "fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land
of hot sex."
					-- Ed Moran, Covina, California
%%
There once was a priest of Gibralter
Who wrote dirty jokes in his psalter
An inhibited nun
Who had read every one
Made a vow to be laid on his altar.
%%
There was a young lady named Myrtle Who had an affair with a turtle. She
birthed crabs, so they say, In a year and a day, Which proves that the turtle
was fertile.
%%
There was a young monk from Siberia Whose morals were very inferior. He did
to a nun What he shouldn't have done And now she's a Mother Superior.
%%
There was a young monk of Kilkyre, Was smitten with carnal desire. The
immediate cause Was the abbess' drawers, Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
%%
What makes the virgin flee in horror -- Threats of kidnaping or rape? No:
her father plans tomorrow To graft her brain into an ape.
%%
When I want some shit, I'll squeeze your head.
					-- Bob Dickson
%%
When you're up to your nose in shit, keep your mouth shut.
					-- Jack Beauregard
%%
Why don't you put on a tutu and go to a leather bar?
%%
Why is man doomed to have only one erogenous zone?
%%
You are cordially invited to go screw yourself.
%%
Cut the crap.
%%
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
					-- J. Edgar Hoover
%%
He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return.
					-- South African Saying
%%
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are
you won't either.
					-- Joseph Fischer
%%
Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you
come to brass tacks.
					-- T. S. Elliot
%%
In the future, women will have breasts all over.
%%
Sex is a job.
%%
I've steered clear of God. He was an incredible sadist.
%%
%%
One night of bad sex is still better than a good day at work.
					-- T Shirt
%%
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
					-- T Shirt
%%
Little known fact: Oral Roberts has a twin brother named Anal.
%%
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with somebody I love.
					-- Woody Allen
%%
Sex is nobody's business except for the three people involved.
%%
If homosexuality were normal, God would have created Adam and Bruce.
					-- Anita Bryant
%%
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
					-- Fran Lebowitz
%%
**ROG** writes
> ...who have no clue about reality.  Nothing could compare with
> the beauty of the real world around us and you should work as hard
> at preserving the environment and making the world safe for our progeny as
> you do at hiding in your computer screens.   I bet you couldn't
> read a story from alt.sex.bondage without getting an erection.

Could someone please tell me how to access the "alt.sex.bondage"
newsgroup?
				-- Robert Ward (rw23+@andrew.cmu.edu)
%%
Loose women should be screwed down as soon as possible.
%%
