%%
71: 69 with two fingers up your ass.
					-- George Carlin
%%
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday
and is going to do on Monday.
					-- Thomas Ybarra
%%
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
%%
A hard man is good to find.
%%
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
%%
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
					-- Phyllis Schlafly
%%
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
%%
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
	They make love the whole day
	In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
%%
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
	Said, "Heavens above!
	I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
%%
A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
	When she clamored for more
	Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
%%
A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her drawers.
					-- Blind Lemon Pledge
%%
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
	Said the doctor, a cynic,
	"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
%%
A.I. hackers do it with robots.
%%
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
%%
Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion.
Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science.
				-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
%%
Achilles' Biological Findings:
    1. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a
       neighbor, that's environment.
    2. A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first -- the
       chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the rooster.
%%
Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
%%
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to
shift.
%%
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.	Every time it wags its
tail, it knocks over a chair.
					-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
%%
An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
	Display for selection
	Three kinds of erection --
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
%%
An Army travels on her stomach.
%%
An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder.
"Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's mutilated body into a
suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. Just north of Tijuana a cop
spotted her hand sticking out of the suitcase.	Now, I would like to stress
that my client is *not* a murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
%%
An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets eaten
once.  It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only person who
will sit on its face is its mother.
%%
"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest unto the
town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine bosom 35 talents,
and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, provideth that they are
nice and fresh.'"
					-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
%%
    And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
    They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of
our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood
revealed."
    And Jesus replied, "What?"
%%
... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
%%
Anxiety: The first time you can't do it a second time.

Panic: The second time you can't do it the first time.
%%
Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by
vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emissions
standards from man-made sources.
					-- Ronald Reagan
%%
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular,
there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-
raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a
beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.	The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady,
and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow
job."  The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed
the city-slicker on the spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for
defendin' mah honor!"  Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your
honor, hell!  No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
%%
Baltimore: Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea collars.
%%
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham
Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

	(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
	(2) Advising the President.
	(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
					-- David Letterman
%%
Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price...
					-- Tom Lehrer
%%
Behold the unborn fetus and
    Weep salt tears crocodilian;
All life is sacred (save, of course,
    An enemy civilian).
%%
Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on gin.
					-- Ralph Nader
%%
Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
For her life held no terrors.
A virgin born, a virgin died:
No hits, no runs, no errors.
%%
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
%%
Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.
%%
... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot be
produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin to the benefits
of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The latter is fun, but you
show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with him or herself, and
I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch of knuckles.
					-- Harlan Ellison
%%
California is proud to be the home of the freeway.
					-- Ronald Reagan
%%
    "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"

    "Uh, not right now."

    "Tsk.  A girl has to have some standards."
					-- "Real Genius"
%%
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
%%
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
%%
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult
and not tried.
					-- G. K. Chesterton
%%
Clarke's Third Law:
    Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

G's Third Law:
    In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed
    of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.

H's Dictum:
    There is no magic ...
%%
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and
it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
					-- Tom Robbins
%%
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
%%
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later
you wish you'd never come.
%%
Communists do it without class.
%%
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
%%
Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
%%
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?  _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
pillage!!
%%
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
This visage meek and humble,
And hear this confidential plea
Voiced in reverent mumble:
    Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
    But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
		-- Ansel Adams
%%
"Dear Mr. Seldes:  I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
politically.  But the designations may be good business for war
veterans.  Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
bled it all they could consequently.  And why not?"
				-- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
%%
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the
people.
					-- Oscar Wilde
%%
Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?

		... Seats 500.
%%
Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"
%%
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
%%
[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-
fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:

1.  Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
    53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press conference
    where you announce that they have a street value of $850 million. These
    raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including brand-new,
    never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in the lockers. As
    far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them there.
2.  Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
    you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
    sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. A
    juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record that he
    finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in sexual
    activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is going to
    convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty just to make
    sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
					-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%%
    "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
    "Who else?" answered the patient.
%%
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
%%
Eisenhower was very nice,
Nixon was his only vice.
		-- C. Degen
%%
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
    1.	Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the
	wet spot.
    2.	Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
    3.	You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is married, (b) is on
	penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves your brother!
    4.	A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
    5.	A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
    6.	Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
    7.	Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
    8.	A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
    9.	Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
    10. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
    11. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
%%
Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant professor;
equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a male schlemiel.
					-- Ewald Nyquist
%%
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
%%
Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit
unchivalrous...
					-- Robert Benchley
%%
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women.
They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.
					-- Earl Wilson
%%
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
licentious, dirty bum!!
%%
Floppy now, hard later.
%%
For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working version of
"Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof offered by Caspar
Weinberger:

    "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been working
    desperately to get it for over 17 years?"

					-- USA Today, 24 June 1986
%%
Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
%%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he also
admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Because
George still had the axe in his hand.
%%
God is an atheist.
%%
GOD is applied POWER
    which is applied GOVERNMENT
	which is applied POLITICS
	    which is applied ADVERTISING
		which is applied SOCIOLOGY
		    which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
			which is applied BIOLOGY
			    which is applied CHEMISTRY
				which is applied PHYSICS
				    which is applied MATH
					which is applied PHILOSOPHY
					    which is applied BULLSHIT
%%
"God is as real as I am," the old man said.  My faith was restored, for I knew
that Santa would never lie.
%%
God is big, so don't fuck with him.
%%
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
%%
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
%%
    God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
    "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
    "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
    "Well, how about Mercury?"
    "No, it's too hot there."
    "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
    "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was there 2000
years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking
about it."
%%
Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
%%
Grain grows best in shit
					-- Ursula K. LeGuin
%%
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
%%
Great Lover: A man who can breathe through his ears.
%%
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
%%
Hackers do it with bugs.
%%
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
%%
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
%%
Haggis: Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption.
The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner
organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's
intestinal stomach-bag and... Excuse me a minute...
%%
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference
between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep or
cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses his
skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. Both
are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
					-- Tom Robbins
%%
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used for sexual
intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such attempts... though it
is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous as the Christian and Jewish
Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the Old Testament tell us, had
intercourse with every creature before God finally hit upon the idea of woman
and created Eve.
					-- R. E. Masters
%%
He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control.
%%
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
	Her husband said, "Vi,
	When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
%%
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they _H_A_D
to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's qualified
for!
					-- Michael Caine
%%
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink damsels is
not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
%%
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
%%
"He's not pining, he's passed on!  This parrot won't squawk!  He's ceased to
be!  He's expired, and gone to meet his maker!  It's a stiff!  No breath of
life, he may rest in peace!  If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be
pushing up the daisies!  He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket!  He's
curled up his tooties!	He's shuffled off this mortal world!  He's run down
the curtain, and joined the bleed'n Choir Invincible!  HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED
IT!  Vis-a-vi his metabolic processes is head is lost.	All statements
concerning this parrot is no longer a going concern, after from now on,
Inoperative...

		THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
%%
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a
yak.
					-- Woody Allen
%%
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
%%
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
when he saw it.  So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look
it over.  "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on
until one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation
room under an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to
issue a ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it
because the court was going to take a nap.
					-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%%
"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther King
Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:

	* Governmental offices
	* Post offices
	* Libraries
	* Schools
	* Banks
	* Parts of Palm Beach

and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
					-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
%%
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e., none
to speak of.
					-- Lazarus Long
%%
How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the government, and
more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was gone some time ago). All
we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!
%%
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
					-- John Valby
%%
I am an atheist, thank God!
%%
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was...
an arctic wilderness
					-- Steve Martin
%%
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
And everything that baby does
Daddy's sure to see,
And everything that baby says,
My daddy's sure to tell.
You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
I hope he fries in Hell.
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
%%
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
	Now I know the perfection
	Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
%%
I own my own body, but I share
%%
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as Martina
Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet trucks. But to be
brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to go before they reach the
level of intensity and dedication to sports that enables men to be such
incredible jerks about it.
					-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%%
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
					-- Barry Goldwater
%%
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else that
has ever happened, and vice versa.
					-- Frank Zappa
%%
I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces.	What a lot we had
found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized dung of
long-vanished animals.	A miraculous thing, really; a recovery from the past
from what was carelessly rejected.  And in the Middle Ages, how concerned
people who lived close to the world of nature were with the feces of animals.
And what a variety of names they had for them:	the Crotels of a Hare, the
Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the
Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets of a Deer.  Surely there might be some words for
the material so near to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces]
than shit? What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, the
Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties of an
Untenured Professor?
					-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
%%
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that scares
the shit out of me.
					-- R. Geis
%%
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
%%
I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's
sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government --
I'd give it all up for one erection.
					-- Groucho Marx
%%
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.	If this doesn't work,
use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
%%
If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a bit
surprised.
					-- Dorothy Parker
%%
If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this corner
tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out.
					-- S. J. Perelman
%%
If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
Watt's office.
					-- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
%%
If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
apostles.
%%
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
%%
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
%%
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
%%
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go
shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only fair to warn you that of
the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
					-- Mort Sahl
%%
If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream and
never be our destiny.
					-- Ren'e de Visme Williamson
%%
If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you should join

		THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF

The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who don't
allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.  In addition to
creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following beliefs have been
certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:

    --	That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which UFOs
	come.
    --	That pi equals precisely 3.000.
    --	That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
    --	That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared the
	circle.
    --	That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
    --	That pi equals precisely 22/7.

Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were done in a
Hollywood special effects studio.  These will be the subject of a forthcoming
Papal Bull...
%%
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the
whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
%%
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
%%
If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
					-- W. C. Fields
%%
Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
					-- Robert Burton
%%
Incest: Sibling revelry.
%%
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
%%
"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.  The Greeks
never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital lies."
					-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
%%
Jesus died for your sins.  Make it worth his time.
%%
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
%%
Kasha: Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one problem
with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?  *_I* know what
they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't help *___you* much.
				-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
Kill a commie for Christ!
%%
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, all
will end as doves.
%%
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
%%
LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!

So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
%%
... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are.  On one side, you have
George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
of the Republican Right.  For example, they had him make a speech oozing
praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
in the 1980 New Hampshire primary.  But when the Right held a big tribute for
Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
around his neck.
				-- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
%%
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you
get fucked.
%%
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
%%
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't fruits
and nuts is flakes.
%%
Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
%%
Mathematicians do it in theory.
%%
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
%%
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
%%
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
%%
Megaton Man:	"LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on ME,
		waiting for ME to make my move!"

(from below):	"Move your ASS, Fat-head!"

Megaton Man:	"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
%%
Missionary Position:
    The missionary on top.
%%
Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the
instructions were printed on the heel.
%%
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
    Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it stays up as
    long as you don't fuck with it.
%%
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around with his
head stuck up his ass.
%%
My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of saying
except in a desperate case.  It is like saying, "My mother, drunk or sober."
					-- G. K. Chesterton
%%
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family,
it seems, begins where yours left off.
					-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
%%
		My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.

	On a bad trip
	When the cops come
	When I lose my head
	I simply take more of my favorite drugs
	And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
%%
Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron... seems he's making it hard for everyone
but her.
%%
		NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a short-term
removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her promptly to avoid
extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of our "Big John" doll.)
%%
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether she
will or will not be a mother.
					-- Margaret H. Sanger
%%
Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
					-- Woody Allen
%%
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
%%
Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
%%
O'Riordan's Theorem:
    Brains x Beauty = Constant.

Purmal's Corollary:
    As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes to
    zero.
%%
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
%%
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
	They argued all night
	Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
%%
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly
south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold, the
sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short
time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard
almost frozen.	A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the
sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his
wings.	Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing.  Just then, a large
Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom
cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
%%
One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout were
flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the
parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
revolution, my life must be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then
Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
world safe for democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you
are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that there
is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The Pope looked
kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive life, my
son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands."  "That's very kind
of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just
jumped out with my knapsack."
%%
"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles to
San Diego.  We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some virtually
empty.	They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded and the
empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other.  Obviously many beach-
goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that people won't go
to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous
waste of our natural resources and our taxes."
					-- Ronald Reagan
%%
One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists.	But it has occurred to
me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
			-- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
			   Life in the Universe"
%%
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look at
the other guy's.
					-- Hal Hickman
%%
Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for
sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over
from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been on the team for three
seasons now, but the males still don't trust her.  They know, deep in their
souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
ever considering whether there were men on base.
					-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%%
"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a continuous
stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national emergency...
Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we did not blindly
rally behind it  by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.  Yet, in
retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never to have
been quite real."
					-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
%%
    Overheard in a bar:

Man:	Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!
Woman:	No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now.
%%
People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world citizens are
fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
					-- Norman Cousins
%%
Physicists do it with charm
%%
Politicians do it to everyone.
%%
Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this;
Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
Stop, traveler, and piss.
		-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
%%
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
%%
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still
come out ahead.
%%
Q:  How do you play religious roulette?
A:  You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by
    lightning first.
%%
Q:  How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard?
A:  If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
%%
Q:  How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an
    airline stewardess?
A:  A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."  A schoolteacher says: "We're going
    to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline
    stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath
    normally."
%%
Q:  How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
    screwing began.
%%
Q:  How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
%%
Q:  How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
A:  As much as he wants.
%%
Q:  If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?
A:  A fur coat.
%%
Q:  What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A:  Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
%%
Q:  What is "SMOORPLAY"?
A:  It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
%%
Q:  What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
A:  A cheese grater
%%
Q:  What's Jewish foreplay?
A:  Two hours of begging.
%%
Q:  Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
A:  Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
%%
Q:  Where does virgin wool come from?
A:  Ugly sheep.
%%
Q:  Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A:  So she can moan with the other!
%%
"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange
for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday.  Mannis feels he must devote more
time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent
statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to Nazi Martin Bormann.  A
spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are weighing the odds of a slander
suit.  Mayor Koch could naturally be reached for comment, but we chose not to
listen."
					-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
%%
Randel: A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology for
farting at a friend.
			-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
			   Preposterous Words
%%
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only sissies
liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's changed.  You
think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow out of it.  We just
grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up liking pussy for liking girls.
Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with the other.
					-- Jules Feiffer
%%
Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
%%
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
	But a fullback from State
	Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus
%%
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
	"Try as hard as I can,
	I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
%%
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
%%
Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
%%
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... the other eight are
unimportant.
					-- Henry Miller
%%
Sex is the poor man's opera.
		-- G. B. Shaw
%%
She asked me if I loved her still.  "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had you
any other way."
%%
She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
candidates for president.
			-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
			   Elizabeth Gould Davis
%%
... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our
standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the 1950s, when I
started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just
about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's
breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate
shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit than
many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
					-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%%
Sooner or later, generals will own you.
%%
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
%%
Statisticians probably do it.
%%
Subpoena: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ or
penis.	Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
%%
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
			-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
			   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
			   Association
%%
Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life.	People know that if you'll eat
that stuff, you'll eat anything.
%%
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he forgets?
%%
Taxes should hurt.  I just mailed my own tax return last night and I am
prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
					-- Ronald Reagan
%%
The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled at by
people with short haircuts and tiny brains.
					-- Dave Barry
%%
    The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't just say it's
pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these primitive African tribes
that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have to go around
largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui
mali," which means, "If you think you can catch a wildebeest in this climate
and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach front property in
the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
    So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes
color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding one
rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever.  But if
National Geographic were to publish an article entitled "The Girls of the
California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would
call it pornography.  But others would not.  And still others, such as the
Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest
naked.
					-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%%
The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
from the food it produces.
%%
    The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You claim," he
jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in his hand. But is
it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"

    "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but not much good
in a fight."
%%
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus has
the pricks on the outside.
%%
...The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil out of
Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
					-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
%%
	The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint

My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
	I'm covered with sweat,
	And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
%%
The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been putting
his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
%%
THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY.  One important reason we have a Defense
Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates jobs,
whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't know what
they'd do with it.  Probably put it in open trenches and set it on fire.  The
MX will create an especially large number of jobs because of the number of
warheads it carries.  It carries a total of 10 warheads.  This creates a great
deal of employment, because you have your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters,
your Persons Who Tap the Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them
All Snugly Into the Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing
Soothing Cassettes by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have
Any More Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc. We are
talking about a lot of jobs.
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
		   Political Fallout"
%%
The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
%%
The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a
buying trip.  As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
with a beautiful young lady.  However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.  He took out a
pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi.  She smiled, nodded her
head and they went for a ride in the park.  Later, he drew a picture of a
table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
dinner.  After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They
went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.
It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture
of a four-poster bed.  He was dumbfounded, and has never be able to understand
how she knew he was in the furniture business.
%%
The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a chance to
prove it.
%%
The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around in front
every time you want to kiss her.
%%
The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we currently
have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very old.	The Defense
Department can't even remember where half of them are.  Insects have built
nests in them.	People have built houses directly over the silos.  What this
means, of course, is that if we ever needed them to help obliterate all human
life on the planet, they could be a real embarrassment.  I mean, maybe YOU'RE
comfortable with the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you
barging over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners are not.
			-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
			   Political Fallout"
%%
The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a dishonorable
discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick and I can wash it as
fast as I want!"
%%
	The Split-Atom Blues

Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
    Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
But if you split those atoms fine,
    Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!

Gimme zits, take my dough,
    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
Call the devil and sell my soul,
    But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
		-- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
%%
The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity.
					-- Ronald Reagan
%%
The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, whom
he assumes to have perfect vision.  Each tends to ascribe to the other side a
consistency, forsight and coherence that its own experience belies.  Of course,
even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the
room.
					-- Henry Kissinger
%%
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody
and still nobody likes him.
					-- Jim Samuels
%%
"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
%%
"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
					-- Humphrey Bogart
%%
The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis".  This is true in almost
fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have attempted
to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged down in silly puns
about "standing erect".
			-- Donald Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
	Them Toad Suckers

How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!

Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.

Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!

Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!

How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
		-- Mason Williams
%%
There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America have been
in a position of trying to stop them.  With all the wealth of America, with
all of the military strength of America, those revolutions are revolutions
against a form of political and economic organization in the countries of Asia
and the Middle East that are oppressive.  They are revolutions against
feudalism.  [1952]
				-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
%%
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
%%
"There is a God, but He drinks"
		-- Blore
%%
There once was a fiesty young terrier
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
	He'd yip and he'd yap,
	Then leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
%%
There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
	One was even so brave
	As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
%%
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
	Till a prince from Peru
	Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
%%
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
	It was not the size
	That cause such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
%%
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
	Concave and convex
	It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
%%
There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
	Till a Spanish grandee,
	Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
%%
There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
	That in spite of high station,
	Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a "k".
%%
There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
	For even with Venus
	His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
			   h
			   i
			   s
			   .
%%
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
	She said with a yell,
	As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
%%
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
	She said, "It's a sin,
	But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
%%
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
	From the love-making frock
	(With the proper sized cock)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
%%
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
	There was never a sound
	For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
%%
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
	But you knew from the view,
	As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
%%
There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
	At least so I thought
	Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
%%
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
	The dress caught on fire
	And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
%%
There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
	For it tickled her bum
	And caused her to come
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
%%
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
	She said to her beau
	"Just look at me Joe
I think I've discovered one more way."
%%
There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
	His wife was a bitch,
	And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
%%
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
	And he wouldn't have been
	If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
%%
There was a young man of St. John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
	But the loyal hall porter
	Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
%%
There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
	She said with a grin,
	"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
%%
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
	When he got into bed,
	The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
%%
There were the Scots
Who kept the Sabbath
And everything else they could lay their hands on.
Then there were the Welsh
Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
Thirdly there were the Irish
Who never knew what they wanted
But were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English
Who considered themselves a self-made nation
Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
%%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
	Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
%%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
	Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
%%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
	Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
%%
There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter
and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
					-- Billy Joel
%%
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
					-- David Mairowitz
%%
This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
actual emergency, you would have known it!
%%
This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
%%
This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.  So I'll put
"di-dah" for the filthy words:

	Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
	Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
		di-dah di-dah di-dah?
		Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
	Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
%%
This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personnel to
various situations.

You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in the
plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and egg salad
sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your sphincter
loses control and you break wind, causing the glass bookcase doors to shatter
and a secretary to pass out.

YOU SHOULD:

(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
%%
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
%%
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
%%
Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
					-- Gore Vidal
%%
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod         And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
Did groove and trip out at the pad:	The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,	Crept past the hippies getting balled
And the Radcliffe undergrad.		And doffed her miniskirt.

"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son!     One, two!  One, two!  And through
The looks that melt, the claws that		and through
	catch!				The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun	He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"            And went galumphing back.

He took his venerable staff in hand:	"And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
Long time the cool young stuff he	Come to my arms, my horny boy!
	sought --			O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
So rested he among the spree		He cackled in his joy.
And paused to smoke some pot.
					'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
					Did groove and trip out at the pad:
					All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
					And the Radcliffe undergrad.
%%
	Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
	All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
	"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
room, and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
	"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
%%
Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the opposite.
					-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
%%
Virgin: An ugly third grader.
%%
War is menstruation envy.
%%
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
%%
We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
					-- James Watt
%%
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for
masturbation.
					-- Lily Tomlin
%%
We should declare war on North Vietnam.  We could pave the whole country and
put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas.
					-- Ronald Reagan
%%
WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT.  The MX is really [Don't
tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-reduction talks
with the Russians.  See, we have a problem with the Russians.  They look at
our leaders and they see, for example, George Bush, who is really a fine and
brave man but who happens to have this unfortunate physical characteristic
whereby when he talks he sounds as though he just inhaled a helium party
balloon.  If he ever becomes President, the Russians will deliberately create
nuclear crises just so they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments
and listen to George talk.
			-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
			   Political Fallout"
%%
Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator.  Now, I had my
tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco.  Surely you can
imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
%%
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes,
just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).	Anyway, he just felt so good, he went
out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF
ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You
are of course, no one is mightier than you."  A little while later this tiger
confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF
ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but
manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
jungle."  The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"  Well, this elephant grabs
the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again,
and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally
throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and
looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer,
you don't have to get so pissed."
%%
What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires.
%%
What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry Ford?

Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
%%
When God created man, She was only testing.
%%
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
					-- Charles Merrill Smith
%%
When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen.
		-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
%%
When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's rule
of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
%%
    When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation, the
young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she
could resume her sex life.  "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the
stunned surgeon.  "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a
tonsillectomy!"
%%
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
	She explained, "They are flat,
	But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
%%
"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it so
that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the time he
wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
%%
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
					-- G. Gordon Liddy
%%
Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them then she
isn't good enough for you.
%%
Women Unite!  Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
%%
Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
					-- Graffito in a women's restroom
%%
Women's Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
%%
Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.	When he left the White
House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
					-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
%%
You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the wording:
"Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" (unless her name is
not "Miss Brown").  If you do not know a person's age, ask for a driver's
license and a major credit card.  If you are introduced to a member of a
minority group, use the "high-five" style handshake, followed by a remark
designed to show you don't mind a bit, such as "I see you are a (name of a
minority group)!  Good!"
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%%
You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
uncontrollable desire to pick your nose.  Since this is definitely a no-no,
you:

(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion, bury
    your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th joint.

(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize to the
    one who makes his nose bleed first.

(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, blow
    your nose on your sock.
%%
You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.  Just suppose your
girlfriend gets the munchies!
%%
You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
					-- Frederick B. Artz
%%
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your
friend's nose.
%%
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
get back inside.
		--  Heathcote Williams
%%
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and tell
your boss that nobody but whores and football players live there.  He mentions
that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:

(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your name.

(b) Ask what position she played.

(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
%%
You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this proposal
will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your proposal your
supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into your coffee.  You:

(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.

(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.

(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" basket.
%%
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
hands for masturbation."
					-- Lily Tomlin
%%
