%%
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the
molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with Haeckel,
the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence
is proved by the condensation or precipitation.... A fifth theory is held
by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than
the others.
					-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
 ...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
smell.
					-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
	In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the
last resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened
but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
					-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
					-- Andrew W. Mathis
%%
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
					-- Roy Santoro
%%
Main's Law:
    For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
%%
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
%%
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
	It's on the other side.
%%
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
    1.	Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
    2.	A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
    3.	There are two types of dirt:  the dark kind, which is attracted to
	light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.
%%
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
					-- Noelie Altito
%%
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
					-- Marguerite Emmons
%%
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
    The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to.....
    to........ uh..............
%%
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
%%
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
%%
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means.
%%
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
%%
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
%%
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
%%
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
%%
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
%%
For a good time, call 642-9483
%%
To be is to do.
	-- I. Kant
To do is to be.
	-- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
	-- F. Flintstone
%%
God is Dead
	-- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
	-- God
Nietzsche is God
	-- Dead
%%
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
%%
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
%%
Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
%%
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
%%
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
%%
How doth the little crocodile
    Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
    On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
    How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
    With gently smiling jaws!
%%
This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
please use the program "randchar".  This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
more profound than THIS program has ever been.
%%
This fortune intentionally not included.
%%
Speak roughly to your little boy,
    And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy
    Because he knows it teases.

	Wow! wow! wow!

I speak severely to my boy,
    And beat him when he sneezes:
For he can thoroughly enjoy
    The pepper when he pleases!

	Wow! wow! wow!
%%
	"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise.'"
					-- Lewis Carroll
%%
Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
    Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
    Et le m^omerade horgrave.
%%
Es brilig war.	Die schlichte Toven
    Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
    Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
%%
	"I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said
	Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't --
till I tell you.  I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
	"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
objected.
	"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
	"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
so many different things."
	"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
that's all."
					-- Lewis Carroll
%%
Oh, when I was in love with you,
    Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
    How well did I behave.

And now the fancy passes by,
    And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
    Am quite myself again.

		-- A. E. Housman
%%
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
wholly unconcerned with what _d_o_e_s exist.  Indeed, the banality of
existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.	They were all,
one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
different way......
					-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%%
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
%%
He:   Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
She:  What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
					-- Walt Kelley
%%
Look out!  Behind you!
%%
If all be true that I do think,
There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.
%%
Ginsberg's Theorem:
    1.	You can't win.
    2.	You can't break even.
    3.	You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
    Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is
    based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem.  To wit:
	1.  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
	2.  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
	3.  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
%%
Ehrman's Commentary:
    1. Things will get worse before they get better.
    2. Who said things would get better?
%%
Rule of Feline Frustration:
	When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
	content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
	bathroom.
%%
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
	There's always one more bug.
%%
Harris' Lament:
    All the good ones are taken.
%%
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
				-- Harry S. Truman
%%
Law of Procrastination:
	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
	there is nothing important to do.
%%
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
    The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time.
    The last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
%%
Weinberg's First Law:
    Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
%%
Weinberg's Second Law:
    If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
    the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
%%
Pardo's First Postulate:
    Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Arnold's Addendum:
    Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
%%
Katz' Law:
    Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have
    been exhausted.
%%
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
    Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
%%
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
	No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
	legislature is in session.
%%
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
	Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
	be out of a job.
%%
Romeo:	  Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
Mercutio: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door;
	  but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
%%
    "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering voice.
    "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of course, of
an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter
here.  They are lines of a verse long known in Elven-lore:

    "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
    Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
    Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
    This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
    The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
    The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
    If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
    If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
%%
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
because we are not the person involved.
					-- Mark Twain
%%
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
		-- A. E. Housman
%%
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
		-- Su Tung-p'o
%%
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they  put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
					-- Stanislaw Lem
%%
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
corners as bodies of a lower grade....
					-- Stanislaw Lem
%%
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
%%
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
	-- Frederick Winsor
%%
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
	He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
	Must be a pacifist.

	What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
				-- Arlo Guthrie
%%
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
				-- Ogden Nash
%%
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
					-- Walt Kelly
%%
Democracy is also a form of worship.
It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
				-- H. L. Mencken
%%
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed
that all had these things in common:
    1.	They all had moderate appetites.
    2.	They all came from middle class homes
    3.	All but two of them were dead.
%%
Fats Loves Madelyn
%%
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
					-- Art Hoppe
%%
There's little in taking or giving,
    There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
    Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
    The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
    And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
    And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
    Would you kindly direct me to hell?
			-- Dorothy Parker
%%
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
			-- Dorothy Parker
%%
	THEORY
Into love and out again,
    Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
    Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
    All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
    Someone dropped me on my head?
					-- Dorothy Parker
%%
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
    And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
    And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
    Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world --
    And I wish I'd never met him.
%%
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
    And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
    And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
    As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
    And I wish he were in Asia.
%%
My love runs by like a day in June,
    And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
    In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
    Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
    And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
%%
If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
			-- Dorothy Parker
%%
The Abrams' Principle:
	The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
%%
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
%%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
					-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Please ignore previous fortune.
%%
Are we not men?
%%
Please take note:
%%
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
					-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
%%
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
%%
United Nations, New York, December 25.	The peace and joy of the Christmas
season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
every persuasion.
   Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
world.
					-- Isaac Asimov
%%
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
					-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%%
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
%%
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was
in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
%%
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
%%
Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
%%
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.  The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
%%
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.
%%
Did you know....

That no-one ever reads these things?
%%
Hark,Hark,the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
	From "The thirteen clocks"
%%
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
%%
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
					-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
$3,000,000
%%
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
%%
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
%%
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
%%
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
%%
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
%%
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
%%
Those who can't write, write manuals.
%%
Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!  Just type
in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:

Name	#
%%
You might have mail
%%
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
take a bath...
%%
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
%%
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
was propounded to me by my father:
    "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
    I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
gave up.
    "A herring," said my father.
    "A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
    "So hang it there."
    "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
    "Paint it."
    "But a herring isn't wet."
    "If its just painted its still wet."
    "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "a herring
doesn't whistle!!"
    "Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it hard."
					-- Leo Rosten
%%
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
					-- Yiddish saying
%%
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
	(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
%%
	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
	"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
%%
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
					-- W.C. Fields
%%
There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
					-- Mark Twain
%%
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
%%
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
%%
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
%%
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot
today.
%%
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
%%
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the
first and last month in advance.
%%
Stay away from flying saucers today.
%%
Succumb to natural tendencies.	Be hateful and boring.
%%
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
%%
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
%%
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving
to a new town.
%%
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
tomorrow!
%%
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
%%
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
%%
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
%%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
%%
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
					-- Jerome Lettvin
%%
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
writing.
					-- R. Geis
%%
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
					-- D. J. Hicks
%%
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
%%
Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
%%
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
%%
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
%%
Screw up your courage!	You've screwed up everything else.
%%
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
%%
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
%%
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
%%
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
%%
	The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in
twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.

	Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
and equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."

	"How?" demanded Fafhrd.

	Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
				-- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
%%
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
%%
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
%%
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
%%
Vote anarchist
%%
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
%%
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
%%
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
%%
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
%%
Condense soup, not books!
%%
The world is coming to an end!	Repent and return those library books!
%%
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersey.
%%
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
%%
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
%%
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
%%
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
%%
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
%%
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
%%
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
%%
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
%%
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
    Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?

Gandhi:
    I think it would be a good idea.
%%
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
%%
"All flesh is grass"
		-- Isiah

Smoke a friend today.
%%
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
%%
George Orwell was an optimist.
%%
Chicken Little was right.
%%
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
%%
Dallas still lives.  God must be dead.
%%
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
%%
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra! Ra! Ra!
%%
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
%%
Time is nature's way of making sure everything doesn't happen at once.
%%
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
%%
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
					-- Salvador Hardin
%%
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
%%
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from
the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone loaded
Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
%%
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
%%
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
%%
Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
%%
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
%%
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
%%
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.	They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
					-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
God is a polytheist
%%
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
%%
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
%%
	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
	"Diet."
%%
"Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
%%
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters picnic.
%%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
					-- Albert Einstein
%%
    "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if
it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
					-- Lewis Carroll
%%
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
					-- Hawkwind
%%
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
%%
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
	When told this was so,
	He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that
 I can."
%%
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
%%
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
					-- Lily Tomlin
%%
God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
%%
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
					-- Albert Einstein
%%
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
					-- Clint Eastwood
%%
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the m"obius strip;
	The strip revolved,
	The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
%%
... And malt does more than Milton can
to justify God's ways to man
					-- A.E. Housman
%%
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE

	Oh, dear, where can the matter be
	When it's converted to energy?
	There is a slight loss of parity.
	Johnny's so long at the fair.
%%
PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)

Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
%%
IBM had a PL/I,
	Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
	It was a total loss.
%%
System/3!  System/3!
See how it runs! See how it runs!
	Its monitor loses so totally!
	It runs all its programs in RPG!
	It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!
%%
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
%%
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
It used to point to me,
Now I'm protecting it.
It was the reader's CONS
That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
%%
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!

100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
%%
'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrave.

"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
%%
The Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences:
    Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
%%
	"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on
the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an
infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
information in the first place."

					-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
%%
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
coughing."
%%
Adult: One old enough to know better.
%%
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
					-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
					-- La Rouchefoucauld
%%
"An American is a man with two arms and four wheels".
					-- A Chinese child
%%
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
					-- Mickey Mouse
%%
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
%%
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
					-- Don Quinn
%%
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
					-- Mark Twain
%%
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
%%
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
%%
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
					-- Fred Allen
%%
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
%%
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
%%
Christ:  A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
%%
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere."
%%
Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.
%%
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
					-- H. L. Mencken
%%
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
					-- H. L. Mencken
%%
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching
his breath is called the listener.
%%
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
eat.
					-- John McNulty
%%
Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
%%
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
					-- G. B. Shaw
%%
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
					-- Senator Soaper
%%
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
					-- Bellamy Brooks
%%
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
%%
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
					-- F. P. Jones
%%
"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"
					-- Macy's
%%
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
%%
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
%%
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
					-- Oscar Wilde
%%
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
		-- Maxwell Smart
%%
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
%%
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
	While her lover lamented
	The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
%%
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
		-- Bert Whitney
%%
Silverman's Law:
	If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will
%%
Hindsight is an exact science.
%%
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
%%
Naeser's Law:
    You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
%%
The Third Law of Photography:
    If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when
someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.
%%
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
	it wasn't worth doing.
%%
Conway's Law:
	In any organization there will always be one person who knows
	what is going on.

	This person must be fired.
%%
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
doing.
%%
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
%%
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%%
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%%
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
	1.  If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
	    once.
	2.  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
	    points.
%%
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
	Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
	reject the proposal.
%%
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
%%
Horngren's Observation:
	Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
%%
Hanlon's Razor:
	Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
	stupidity.
%%
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
%%
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
%%
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
	If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
	$19.95.
%%
Van Roy's Law:
	An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
%%
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
%%
Colvard's Logical Premises:
    All probabilities are 50%.	Either a thing will happen or it won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
    This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.

Grelb's Commentary:
    Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
%%
	"The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out."
Computer Translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak"
%%
A Law of Computer Programming:
	Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
	will find the programmers cannot write in English.
%%
Turnaucka's Law:
	The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
	electrical cord.
%%
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
%%
Eleanor Rigby
    Sits at the keyboard
    And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal,
    Finding some code
    That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
%%
The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.
					-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
%%
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
					-- Adlai Stevenson
%%
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
%%
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
					-- Jules de Gaultier
%%
Ingrate: A man who bites, the hand that feeds him, and then complains
of indigestion.
%%
Justice: A decision in your favor.
%%
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
%%
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
%%
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
%%
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
%%
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
					-- Mark Twain
%%
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
					-- Oscar Wilde
%%
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
%%
The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune.
%%
Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
					-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
					-- Anatole France
%%
Hi! How are things going?
	(just fine, thank you...)
Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
	(you just asked one...)
Well, how about one more?
	(one more than the first one?)
Yes.
	(you already asked that...)

[at this point, Alphonso gets smart...	]
May I ask two questions, sir?
	(no.)
May I ask ONE then?
	(nope...)
Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
	(yes, you may.)
Sir, how may I ask you a question?
	(you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
	 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
	 number plus two {one for the current question, and one for the
	 next one)
Sir, may I ask nine questions?
	(go right ahead...)
%%
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)

  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie	36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water				 2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar		 2 tablespoons lemon juice
  Grated rind of one lemon		   Butter or margarine
  Cinnamon

Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.	Break
RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
juice and rind.  Cool.	Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
crust.	Trim and flute edges together.	Cut slits in top crust to let
steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.

				-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
%%
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
					-- Voltaire
%%
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
%%
The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
%%
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
headed.
%%
The United States Army;
194 years of proud service,
unhampered by progress.
%%
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
%%
God is an atheist.
%%
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
%%
Cleveland still lives.	God _m_u_s_t be dead.
%%
Ocean:	A body of water occupying about two-thirds of
a world made for man -- who has no gills.
%%
Occident:  The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
It is largely inhabited by Christians,	powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
principal industries of the Orient.
%%
"I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
watch him have another."
%%
	I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay
dead that scares the daylights out of me.
					-- R. Geis
%%
	History has the relation to truth that theology has to
religion -- i.e. none to speak of.
					-- Lazarus Long
%%
 ...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
bridge.
					-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
%%
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
	So he built him some chicks
	Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
%%
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
licentious, dirty bum!!
%%
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
can't happen."
		-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
%%
"If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a
candidate."
					-- Jerry Dreshfield
%%
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.
%%
"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
%%
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
_H_A_D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
qualified for!
					-- Michael Cain
%%
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
learned to walk.
					-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%%
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
the first time.
					-- Alfred E. Wiggam
%%
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
all will end as doves.
%%
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he
forgets?
%%
All things dull and ugly,
   All creatures short and squat,
   All things rude and nasty,
   The Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons,
   Each little wasp that stings,
   He made their brutish venom,
   He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous,
   All evil great and small,
   All things foul and dangerous,
   The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet,
   Each beastly little squid.
   Who made the spiky urchin?
   Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
   All pox both great and small.
   Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
   The Lord God made them all.
		-- Monty Python
%%
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
%%
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
place to shift.
%%
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
%%
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
%%
Hackers do it with bugs.
%%
AI hackers do it with robots.
%%
AI hackers do it robotically.
%%
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
%%
Mathematicians do it in theory.
%%
Statisticians probably do it.
%%
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
%%
Physicists do it with charm
%%
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
%%
Politicians do it to everyone.
%%
Test makers do it sometimes/always/never.
%%
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
%%
Communists do it without class.
%%
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
%%
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
%%
