%%
IBM-Compatible - Not fully IBM-compatible.
%%
Fully IBM-Compatible - Somewhat IBM-compatible, but won't run BASIC programs.
%%
100% IBM-Compatible - Compatible with most available hardware and software,
        but not with the blockbusters IBM always introduces the day after
        tomorrow.
%%
Lap-top - Smaller and lighter than the average secretary.
%%
Portable - Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.
%%
Transportable - Neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm system.
%%
Hard Disk - A device that allows naive users to delete vast amounts of data
        with a few simple commands.
%%
Mouse - A peripheral originally named "veriform appendix" because of its
        functional resemblance, renamed for its usefulness as a cat toy.
%%
Printer - An electromechanical paper-shredding device.
%%
Modem - A peripheral used in the unsuccessful attempt to get two computers to
        communicate with each other.
%%
Network - An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to
        corrupt, trash, or otherwise cause permanent damage to useful data.
%%
Documentation - A perplexing linen-bound accessory resorted to only in
        situations of dire need when friends and dealers are unavailable,
        normally only employed as a decorative bookend.
%%
User-friendly - Supplied with a full color manual.
%%
Very user-friendly - Supplied with an on-disk and audiotape tutorial, so the
        user needn't bother with the full color manual.
%%
Extremely user-friendly - Supplied with a mouse so that the user needn't bother
        with the on-disk and audiotape tutorial, the full color manual, or the
        program itself.
%%
Easy to learn - Hard to use.
%%
Easy to use - Hard to learn.
%%
Easy to learn and use - Little to learn, less to use.
%%
Powerful - Hard to learn, dangerous to use.
%%
Menu-driven - Easy to learn, tedious to use.
%%
Copy-protected - 1) A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates from
        STEALING software and legitimate customers from USING it.
                 2) A means of distinguishing honest users from thieves by
        preventing larceny by the former, but not the latter.
%%
Warranty - An unconditional guarantee that the program purchased is actually
        included on the disk in the box.
%%
Version 1.0 - Buggier than Maine in June, eats data.
%%
Version 1.1 - Eats data only occasionally, upgrades free to avoid litigation
        by disgruntled users of Version 1.0.
%%
Version 2.0 - Version originally planned as the first release [except for a
        couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go away], no free
        upgrades or the company would go bankrupt.
%%
Version 3.0 - The revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt.
%%
Now available - Available any day now.
%%
Available soon - Should be out within a year.
%%
Available May 1st - Version 1.0 may ship to dealers August 1st.
%%
Standard - Similar to something else on the market.
%%
Backup - The duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make.
%%
Spreadsheet - A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide
        variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate
        assumptions.
%%
Word Processor - Software that magically transforms its user into a professional
        author.
%%
Business Graphics - Popular with managers who understand neither decimals,
        fractions, Roman numerals, nor PI but have more than a passing
        acquaintance with pies and bars.
%%
Database Manager - A program that allows the user to manipulate data in every
        conceivable way except the absolutely essential one he or she conceives
        of the day after entering 20 Megabytes of raw data.
%%
Integrated Software - A single product that deftly performs hundreds of
        functions the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-dozen he
        uses constantly.
%%
Windows - A method of dividing a computer screen into two or more unusably tiny
        portions.
%%
