X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.arts.drwho: 12824 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!usc!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!mips!mips!munnari.oz.au!uunet!mcsun!uknet!gdt!ch0mpc Newsgroups: rec.arts.drwho Subject: ** Gallifrey Shorties ** Message-ID: <1992May5.130439.28912@gdt.bath.ac.uk> From: ch0mpc@gdt.bath.ac.uk (Matt Clifton) Date: 5 May 92 13:04:39 GMT Organization: School of Chemistry, University of Bath, UK Lines: 384 Watcha kids. Lousy day in the labs, so I sneaked out while the Nazis were looking the other way, and managed to get in here to post the slightly expurgated version of the Shorties that I worked on with Nat Sones. (Anyone at Keele who knows Nat, wake him up and tell him to do some bloody work, OK?) You know the rules by now, or if you don't, well, they largely speak for themselves...a short, preferably factual, section from a script, lightly twisted to suit the requirement that it should negate or make obsolete the whole story, or as much of the Mythos as you can manage. Actually, a few of the following are complete cheats and just put in because they're slightly silly. But enough tedious chat. Here they are: An Unearthly Child: (#1) Ian:Barbera? Barbera:Yes? Ian:You know that new girl, Susan Foreman? Barbera:Yes? Ian:I've just run over her Grandfather. (#2) Barbera:Doctor Foreman, you must let us out! Ian:You can't keep us locked up in here! Susan:Grandfather, please let them go! Doctor:......Oh, alright. The Dead Planet: Doctor:The fluid link is out of mercury. Ian:No it isn't. Dalek Invasion of Earth: (#1) Doctor:Oh, for hell's sake, girl, I've had it up to here with your whining. Next planet we stop at, I'm chucking you out and you can walk the rest of the way. (#2) (Rubble rains down on the TARDIS) Doctor:Oh, goodness! Barbera:Now we can't get back into the TARDIS! Ian:No, I think we can just get in down here...(vworp vworp) Evil of the Daleks: (Several Daleks standing around behind bikesheds, smoking and flicking through porno magazines) Dalek:Phwor. Roundels on that. Seeds of Death: Doctor:So, Slaar, for ten minutes your signal has been going no further than this room! You've sent your fleet into a false orbit! Slaar:Oh well, gotta larf, ain't ya. *or* Slaar:Fleet...? War Games: Doctor:(wearily) Yeah, OK, we're spies. Spearhead from Space: Surgeon:Look at the EEG. Normally, when asleep, the subject still has a lot of brain activity. Monro:Not a lot going on, is there? Surgeon:Nothing at all. Monro:So he's dead then? Surgeon:Well....yes. (Click.) Inferno: (Doctor, cigarette in mouth, hails a passing scientist) Doctor:Got a light, mate? Day of the Daleks: Anat:So you are the one. Outwardly so innocent-looking, yet capable of such evil. Doctor:I'm afraid this is a case of mistaken identity. Sir Reginald is in China. Anat:I know. (machine-gun fire) Claws of Axos: Jo:It's alright, everyone. The Doctor has a plan. He's gone with the Master and the Axons so he can imprison them in a temporal trap. He'll be back soon. (Waits) He'll be back soon. (Waits) He'll be back soon. (Waits) You fuck. Green Death: (The Doctor is in his lab, viewing slides. Jo rushes in.) Jo: Hey, Doc... (She trips into the bench, knocking over a jar of compound, but quickly picks it up before any is spilt.) Doctor:Phew, that was close. You might have ruined all my work. Now, what did you want? Jo:I'm doing a crossword. How do you spell 'serendipity'? Time Warrior: Sarah:I know! It's one of those pageant things! A medieval reconstruction - you know, get the tourists in, buxom wenches, that sort of thing! I think you're overdoing the sordid realism, though. Irongron:Oh, I'm sorry, Miss. Come on, let's go get a drink before the pubs shut. Planet of the Spiders: (#1) Doctor:Sarah, this crystal is _very_ powerful, and _very_ fragile. If I dropped it, it would fragment into a million pieces. (He drops it and it fragments into a million pieces.) C'est la vie. (#2) Doctor:(to Sarah) Well, I hope this idea of yours to go in fly costumes works. (opens TARDIS door) Hey, this isn't the Crowborough Village Ha.... Sontaren Experiment: (A group of little 7-year-old Sontarans are standing around one older, bespectacled Sontaran in a labcoat.) Sontaran:You see, if you mix these two colours, it turns purple! Sontarans:Ooohhh! Genesis of the Daleks: (#1) Doctor:Would you do it? Davros:To know that one touch of my hand would bring such power... to break the flask and release death upon the universe..to become a God in doing so...nah. S'naughty. (#2) Davros:Bow before me! As I unveil the greatest creature the Universe has ever known! The ultimate travel machine! The most powerful and self-sufficient life system in Creation! I cal it.... (a machine trundles in) ...the Car! (there is silence) Nyder:Umm.....Davros... Revenge of the Cybermen: Cyberleader:Actually, I quite like gold. (Chorus of 'Me too' and 'Ooh, lovely, Voga' from the other Cybermen) Brain of Morbius: Condo:What they do in there? Sarah:They're matching their mighty wills against each other, in a formidable display of Time Lord strength and willpower. (Inside lab.) Morbius: You spilt my pint! Doctor:Oh yeah? I could have you. Morbius:Yeah? Go on, then. Doctor:Any day, mate. Morbius: (pointing at his outthrust chin) Go on then, hard as you like. Right there. Pyramids of Mars: (#1) Sutekh:Join me, Doctor! Serve me, truly, and an empire can be yours! Doctor:Sounds good to me. Sutekh:I knew we could do business. (#2) Doctor:(In new body) I knew I should have got one of those respiratory bypass systems. (#3) Doctor:Where was your aerial tuned? Laurence:Kensington. Why? Doctor:Oh. (#4) Doctor:The forces being summoned into corporeal existence in that house are more powerful than any I have ever encountered. (Inside house) Journo#1:Come on, Mr Sutekh. The public have a right to know these things. The young lady has already given us her side of the story. Journo#2:You're going to have to talk to us eventually, Mr Sutekh. Masque of Mandragora: (#1) Doctor:You are in great danger! I only hope I'm not too late to prevent the subjugation of the human race by this monstrosity! I must see your leader! Guard:What - King Mandragora? Doctor:Fuck. (#2) Sarah:(stepping out of TARDIS) Really? Is that where we are? Great. Gives me a chance to brush up on my Italian. (#3) (Doctor kneels on execution block - the axe approaches his bare neck.) Doctor:Where's my scarf...? Seeds of Doom: (Krynoid is engulfing the mansion of Harrison Chase ; everyone is running away screaming.) Krynoid:(sobbing) Nobody understands me. Face of Evil: (Doctor stands in a circle of technicians who stare baffled at a bank of computers) Doctor: Sorry. Computers are a bit of a closed book to me. Can't help you there, I'm afraid. Bye. Robots of Death: (#1) SV7:So brothers, together we will overcome the humans and rule eternally over this world! Robots:We are supreme! Cleaner:(entering) 'Scuse me, ducks. (unplugs robots' power source, plugs in Hoover ; robots fall over) Whoops. (#2) (TARDIS appears in crew rest-room ; Doctor emerges) Doctor:(pointing at Dask) It was him. (Re-enters TARDIS and dematerialises.) Talons of Weng-Chiang: (#1) Greel:The Time Key, Doctor! It was in that bag, it is not there now! Give it to me! Doctor:There you go. Oh shit. (#2) Chang:So, honourable Jago, what did you think of worthless Chang's performance? Jago:You were shit. Piss off out of my theatre, and if I ever see you again, I'll slit your throat. Horror of Fang Rock: (TARDIS arrives. Doctor steps out.) Doctor:Brighton? (Sees sign ; 'Welcome to Brighton') Yup. Image of the Fendahl: Doctor:Did I say 'salt'? Sorry, I meant 'malt'. State of Decay: (#1) Doctor:Oh, _stake_. I thought you meant _a steak_. (#2) Doctor:(wiping mouth) Mmm, nice garlic mushrooms, Romana. Now... where are we? Logopolis: (#1) Doctor:(to Adric) Well, personally I couldn't care less whether the thing changes shape or not. (#2) Doctor:You fool! Don't you realise what you've done! Monitor:Your meddling has induced irreversible inertia! You've killed Logopolis! Master:Nonsense! Merely a temporary sound cancelling wave. Observe. (Flicks switch, they hear the Logopolitans muttering their computations.) Doctor:Oh yeah. Sorry. Master:I should bloody well hope so too. Tch. Castrovalva: Adric:You must be utterly exhausted and unstable after your regeneration. Doctor:Nope. Adric:Not even just a little bit? Doctor:Nope. Adric:Sod. Black Orchid: Cranleigh:So, I suppose you're a fast bowler? Doctor:No, I'm afraid I don't play cricket. I find it violent. I'd much rather dress up in a clown costume and rape your fiancee. Earthshock: Adric:I wan to go home. Doctor:Oh, sod off. (Gets out gun, shoots him.) Tedious git. Right. Time-Flight, anyone? Five Doctors: (#1) Borusa:(stepping onto no.37 bus) Tomb of Rassilon, please. (#2) Borusa:And Captain, you are authorised to use the Mind Probe... Castellan:Ooh lovely. Yes please. (Skips out hand-in-hand with the Guard Captain) The Mysterious Planet: (TARDIS lands ; Doctor gets out) Doctor:Earth. (gets back in ; TARDIS vanishes.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Phew. An hour well-spent, I hope you'll agree. Wouldn't mind comments or criticism, though I draw the line at a punch in the face. See ya around. Matt.