X-NEWS: spcvxb news.groups: 19059 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0 13.10.90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!usc!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!cis.ohio-state.edu!pacific.mps.ohio-state.edu!linac!att!cbfsb!cbnewsf.cb.att.com!forbes Newsgroups: news.groups Subject: Usenet Olympics: The Undesired Country Message-ID: <1991Aug29.234637.4083@cbfsb.att.com> From: forbes@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (michael.s.forbes) Date: 29 Aug 91 23:46:37 GMT Sender: news@cbfsb.att.com Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories Keywords: 1991 Usenet Olympics coverage -- exclusively on USPN! Summary: The spectacular conclusion! Lines: 260 Mail: >This is great! Could you send me the Opening Ceremonies? Scott: >...please... Mail: >Is there a "Day 1" to match this "Day 2"? Scott: >...I've got to rest... Mail: >"Son of" is hysterical! Where can I ftp the other four parts? Scott: >[thud] Mailer Daemon: >you have new mail. >you have new mail. >you have new mail. . . . The complete set of seven (!) Usenet Olympics posts are now on their way to rec.humor.funny, where I *deeply* hope they will be posted. If not I'll begin trying to mail them out, but that job will take weeks to complete. If I can, I'll find an FTP home for them. Thanks to all those who wrote in with praise, suggestions for events, recommending people to include in the Games, etc. You will be receiving discount passes to future Usenet Olympic events, and a free membership in the Usenet Olympics Booster Club... ;-) ==== Scott Forbes AT&T Network Software Center =---==== forbes@toolserv.att.com #include =-----==== ==---===== "In these days of dreadfully inadequate scientific knowledge among ======== the general public, we do not need you to compound the problem." ==== -- from a letter to the Chicago Tribune The Usenet Sports Programming Network presents a: . . .__ .____. . . | | | | | | \ | | | '-. |----' | \ | | | | | | \ | '____' ___/ | | \| // // // \\\\ \\\\ \\\\ ////// ////// ////// (______) // (______) // (______) \ / \\\\ \ / \\\\ \ / \ / ////// \ / ////// \ / || (______) || (______) || || \ / || \ / || \ / \ / || || || || S P E C I A L R E P O R T Jane Pauley: >We're here at the site of the Usenet Olympic Village, or I should >say the *former* site of the village, because it's no longer here. >In its place is a single building, apparently named "net.kent". Kent [in a booming voice that echoes across the village]: >It's mine! >All mine! >Bow, scum! >Hahahahaha! Jane: >All of the athletes here at the Olympic Village have been changed >into mindless zombies, worshipping Kent as a net.god. We can't >begin to measure the extent of the damage, Bryant. Bryant: >With us now in the studio is Douglas Adams, science fiction writer >and author of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Mr. Adams, >Kent used your fictional invention to destroy all of Usenet; >doesn't that make you something of an accessory to this disaster? Douglas: >Well, er um, I wouldn't exactly put it that way, Bryant. That is, >I, er, don't think the damage is permanent. Bryant: >What do you mean? Douglas: >Well, the Guardian of Forever is a peculiar sort of time machine, >not the well-behaved sort that most authors make up. Whatever >changes are made in the past don't affect Star Trek crew members >who happen to be standing in the Guardian's vicinity. Bryant: >Our listeners are laymen, Mr. Adams. Get to the point. Douglas: >Well, if the rec.arts.startrek team goes back and kills off a >certain 14th century leper, everything will change back to >exactly the way it was before all this began. Bryant: >What!? What does a 14th century leper have to do with Usenet? Douglas: >Look, I didn't write it. Talk to those '60s screenplay hacks. Jane: >Bryant, he may be right: Something's happening here... Kent: >Noooooooo! [With an excess of bad '60s TV special effects, the Usenet Olympic Village returns to its place. Kent turns into a bowl of petunias.] Kent: >Oh no, >not again! Bryant: >What a relief. Well, that about wraps it up for the 1991 Usenet >Olympic Games. From all us here at USPN, thanks for watching, and >tune in next February for the 1992 Games! \\ \\ \\ //// //// //// \\\\\\ \\\\\\ \\\\\\ //////// //////// //////// (________) (________) (________) The 1991 \ / \\ \ / \\ \ / \ / //// \ / //// \ / Usenet Olympic Games \ / \\\\\\ \ / \\\\\\ \ / || //////// || //////// || || (________) || (________) || || \ / || \ / || || \ / || \ / || \ / \ / || || || || || || || || have been brought to you by: Scott Forbes and the following good sports from various newsgroups: Mike "Vidiot" Brown Peter da Silva Jim Griffith Tim Lynch Ryan Mathews "mathew" Jay Maynard Roger Noe Leanne Phillips Gym Z. Quirk Eric S. Raymond Subrata Sircar Dean Yu Kent: >You think >you can >get away >with this? Peter da Silva: >Don't worry, Kent, it makes good fertilizer. With apologies to: Bryant Gumbel Wolf Blitzer Don Pardo DuPont (Dow made napalm) the works of Anne McCaffrey Peter Arnett Chris Berman anyone remotely associated with Star Trek Marv Albert Bernard Shaw The Usenet Oracle Bob Eucher Emil Jacobs the PLO Willard Scott Arthur Kent Cliff Stoll George Lucas Brent Musberger Warner Brothers (the "diving into a glass" bit) Subrata Sircar (not "Sincar") Vin Scully Sugar Ray Leonard Jane Pauley Douglas Adams Gene Spafford Chuq von Ruspach Richard Stallman Guy Steele Bill Gates Atlanta, Georgia ESPN CNN Kuwait ...and an obscure cartoon from my childhood called "Zoolympics" The author wishes to thank: AT&T for continuing to employ him in spite of all this The Usenet Olympics will return in: Usenet Olympics II: The Wrath of Kent or CFV: rec.arts.sf-lovers grand reorganization Filmed on location in news.groups This is a work of parody. Any similarity between people and events in real life is deliberate, intentional, and meant to be funny. Matthew Broderick: > > > >You're still posting? > > > >The vote's over! > > > >Go home!