X-NEWS: spcvxb news.groups: 18974 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0 13.10.90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!ub!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!cis.ohio-state.edu!pacific.mps.ohio-state.edu!linac!att!cbfsb!cbnewsf.cb.att.com!forbes Newsgroups: news.groups,rec.arts.sf-lovers,rec.arts.startrek,talk.bizarre,alt.flame Subject: The Usenet Olympics: Judgement Day Message-ID: <1991Aug29.012923.28507@cbfsb.att.com> From: forbes@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (michael.s.forbes) Date: 29 Aug 91 01:29:23 GMT Sender: news@cbfsb.att.com Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories Keywords: The 1991 Usenet Olympic Games -- exclusively on USPN! Summary: You were expecting "Bride of the Usenet Olympics Coverage", weren't you Lines: 167 Xref: spcvxb news.groups:18974 rec.arts.sf-lovers:32832 rec.arts.startrek:45817 talk.bizarre:32465 alt.flame:22188 The Usenet Sports Programming Network presents: * @ @ * |___ | O | ________________________________________| /|___ '--+--' _______________________________________/| //|_____ | ________________________________________/_| /// | ///| /// / \ ___. @-_ /// /// / \ -----+-o /// /// ---' / /// /// @ /// /// Exclusive Coverage /// /// /// /// of the /// /// /// */// Heavyweight Flaming Championships */// |_/__________________________________________________|// |____________________________________________________|/ |____________________________________________________| | | Brought to you by the Second Law of Thermodynamics. Vin Scully: >Hello and welcome once again to the 1991 Usenet Olympic Games. >We're here at the Bill Gates Taj Mahal Plaza, preparing for the >final afternoon in the Heavyweight Flaming competition. Sugar Ray Leonard: >It's been a punishing afternoon here in the qualifying rounds, >with several posters hospitalized for severe burns. The surprise >upset of the day was the rec.sport.hockey tag team, finished off >in one round by rec.guns. Vin: >Yes, we're down to the best of the best here in the final rounds, >and there's no telling which one of these athletes is going to be >our champion. Sugar Ray: >Here come the finalists. Wearing the red trunks is "mathew" of >alt.flame, with an incredible 8-0 record in the preliminary bouts. >mathew's got a great ability to duck issues and dodge facts, and >he's one of the best on the alt.flame team. Vin: >In the dark blue trunks is Gym Z. Quirk, of rec.arts.startrek. >Quirk was a late entry in this competition, but racked up a 5-0 >record to advance into the finals. Sugar Ray: >And the first round is about to begin... mathew: >Your stupid! Gym Z.: >You're acting like a child. mathew: >Shut up! Gym Z.: >Isn't there a rule against freshmen getting accounts? Vin: >Wow! These fighters aren't pulling any punches here in the early >rounds. Can they keep this up for the entire fight? Sugar Ray: >I don't see how they can, Vin. They're both in prime condition, >but there's no way that can maintain this level of ferocity. mathew: >Eat sh*t and die! Gym Z.: >I'm going to have a word with your sysadmin. Vin: >And there's the bell to end the first round! I don't know how the >judges are going to score this see-saw battle. Sugar Ray: >Vin, I wouldn't be surprised if these two kept going until one of >them was disconnected or dead. They don't care about the score. Vin: >You may be right. There's the bell for the second round... We interrupt this program for a . . .__ .____. . . | | | | | | \ | | | '-. |----' | \ | | | | | | \ | '____' ___/ | | \| // // // \\\\ \\\\ \\\\ ////// ////// ////// (______) // (______) // (______) \ / \\\\ \ / \\\\ \ / \ / ////// \ / ////// \ / || (______) || (______) || || \ / || \ / || \ / \ / || || || || S P E C I A L R E P O R T Don Pardo: >We take you now live to Bryant Gumbel at USPN Olympic Headquarters >in Atlanta. Bryant: >We're breaking in on our regular coverage to give you this update >from the Usenet Olympic Village. Peter? [A graphic of Usenet Olympic Village appears, with a photo of Peter Arnett at the top right. The caption at bottom of the screen reads: "Voice of Peter Arnett"] Peter: [with machine gun fire in the background] >Bryant, fighting has broken out once again here at the Usenet >Olympic Village. Details as to the cause of the fighting are >sketchy at this time, but it appears to have been a minor breach >of etiquette by one of the misc.test athletes. Bryant: >Peter, your own safety comes first. Get out of there. Peter: >It's too dangerous to move around, Bryant. There's no telling >what might happen if we went out on the streets, and it also might >cost us several points in the ratings. Bryant: >True. What can you see from where you are? Peter: >Both rec.arts.startrek and rec.arts.sf-lovers appear to be trying >to travel into the past, in an attempt to destroy the other group >before it comes into existence. Flickering images of the TARDIS, >the Guardian of Forever and an Infinite Improbability Drive are >appearing and disappearing around the village, as several of the >buildings and landmarks either change shape or cease to exist. > >Bryant, we-- Bryant: >Peter? Peter, can you hear us? What's happening? Kent: >Hahahahaha! >I'm a >net.god! [Stay tuned...]