X-NEWS: spcvxb news.groups: 18613 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0 13.10.90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!usc!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!cis.ohio-state.edu!pacific.mps.ohio-state.edu!linac!att!cbfsb!cbnewsf.cb.att.com!forbes Newsgroups: news.groups Subject: Usenet Olympics opening ceremonies Message-ID: <1991Aug24.020145.14614@cbfsb.att.com> From: forbes@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (michael.s.forbes) Date: 24 Aug 91 02:01:45 GMT Sender: news@cbfsb.att.com Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories Keywords: 1991 Usenet Olympic Games Lines: 183 The Usenet Sports Programming Network presents: \\ \\ \\ //// //// //// \\\\\\ \\\\\\ \\\\\\ //////// //////// //////// (________) (________) (________) The 1991 \ / \\ \ / \\ \ / \ / //// \ / //// \ / Usenet Olympic Games \ / \\\\\\ \ / \\\\\\ \ / || //////// || //////// || || (________) || (________) || || \ / || \ / || || \ / || \ / || \ / \ / || || || || || || || || Brought to you by DuPont Chemical, the makers of napalm. [Title sequence: Computer generated athlete-type graphics whiz by as Olympic trumpet music blares in the background. Fade slowly to a camera shot of USPN studios; the announcer voice-over begins as the studio lights come up:] Don Pardo: >USPN presents live coverage of the 1991 Usenet Olympic Games! >We take you now to Bryant Gumbel at USPN Olympic Headquarters in >Atlanta, Georgia. [Fade in to Bryant sitting at a desk, with an array of TV monitors showing the Usenet Olympic logo (five flaming torches) in the background.] Bryant: >Thank you, Don, and welcome to the 1991 Usenet Olympic Games. >USPN is proud to present the ultimate pinnacle of net competition, >and will be bringing you up-to-the-minute coverage of all the >major news and events as they happen, where they happen. > >Our staff of reporters and correspondents has been in preparation >for several months, as have the competitors arriving here today. >We have participants from over 78 newsgroups in the Olympics, in >events ranging from synchronized flaming to the marathon. > >Our coverage will begin with the opening ceremonies, which are >already in progress. We take you now live to Wolf Blitzer, >standing by at Spafford Stadium. [Fade to a 'sky-cam' shot from high above the stadium.] Wolf: >Thanks, Bryant. This is Wolf Blitzer, reporting to you live from >the opening ceremonies of the Usenet Olympic Games. You're seeing >the stadium as it appears from the Usenet Blimp, hovering high >above the ceremonies, and as you can see most of the teams have >already entered the stadium. [Cut to Wolf Blitzer on the reviewing stand; he is wearing a flak jacket and carrying a gas mask.] >We're looking forward to an exciting, event-driven Olympics here >at Spafford Stadium, and you can feel the anticipation in the air. >Now entering the stadium is the news.admin team: [A group of harried-looking sysadmins walks onto the track, circles the stadium as quickly as possible, and takes its place among the already assembled teams. The audience applauds lightly.] Wolf: >News.admin isn't an energetic team, but they've got a lot of power >in some of the voting events. Ah, here comes the alt.flame team: [A band of angry-looking college freshmen carring blowtorches enter and look around the stadium as if daring anyone to post anything. After a tense interval, they settle into place.] Wolf: >As might be expected, alt.flame took home several gold medals in >the track and flame events last year, and are expected to repeat >that performance here at the 1991 games. But there are a lot of >loose cannons among the alt.flamers, and they tend to work against >each other in the team sports. [Several tall, narrow lights appear on the playing field, and the rec.arts.startrek team beams into the stadium. The team is equally divided between redshirt Security guards and Starfleet Admirals.] Wolf: >One of the biggest teams in the Usenet Olympics, rec.arts.startrek >fields competitors in almost every event. Bryant cuts in: >Wolf, haven't there been reports of some bad blood between r.a.st >and one of the other groups? Wolf: >Yes there have, Bryant, and here comes the "other group" now: [The rec.arts.sf-lovers team, brandishing everything from swords to lightsabers, enters the stadium. Many of the r.a.st athletes put their hands near their phasers, and the r.a.sf-l team responds with glares and similar hostility.] Wolf: >You can see there's no love lost between these two teams, Bryant. >After the fiasco at the Badwill Games, where an apparent r.a.sf-l >gold medal in Group Reorganizing was wiped out by r.a.st protests, >there's been nothing but hatred between these two newsgroups. > >And that's the last of the teams entering the stadium. Here comes >the torch-bearer, preparing to light the five torches in the logo >and officially open the Usenet Olympics: [Kent Paul Dolan enters, carrying a flamethrower set on "medium". He jogs about a quarter of the distance around the track, holding the nozzle above his head, and then sees the r.a.st team: ] Kent: >YOU! >You ruined >my beautiful >r.a.sf-l >reorg! > >You're all >a bunch of >morons! > >Take this! [Kent sets the flamethrower on "eat flaming death" and fires into the r.a.st group, toasting several redshirts. The r.a.st team responds with phaser fire, temporarily stunning Kent; alt.flame and r.a.sf-lovers immediately jump into the fray...] Wolf: >Um, it looks like we've got a commotion on the field... [Phasers, swords, lasers and fire lizards duke it out on the field, as the r.a.sf assortment plows into r.a.st. Again, several of the redshirted Security men are killed, but none of the Admirals are even injured. Players from rec.arts.drwho quietly begin stunning some of the isolated players with sonic screwdrivers.] Wolf [putting on his gas mask]: >Bryant, it's pandemoneum here; I don't know how much longer we can >stay on the air... [Mutant X-men rejects from rec.arts.comics begin fighting on both sides, and the alt.flamers start torching each other. A news.admin player quietly begins typing on a nearby portable computer, and the rec.arts.startrek.info team vanishes!] Kent [recovering]: >You haven't >heard the >last of me! [Suddenly a bronze dragon appears in the air above the stadium, and begins chewing firestone from its rider's pouch. Simultaneously, a Klingon Bird of Prey uncloaks and locks on the nearest target...] Wolf: >We're out of here! [goes off the air] [The camera returns to the USPN studios. Scenes of great violence and carnage are visible on the monitors behind Bryant.] Bryant: >Once again, violence has disrupted the opening ceremonies of the >Usenet Olympic Games. This marks the third straight year that the >games have been marred by pre- and post-event flaming, but it's >the first time anything has happened this early. > >We'll continue our coverage of the 1991 Usenet Olympic Games with >the opening track and flame events, the Rambling Post and the >Controversial Topic. Stay tuned to USBN for exclusive interviews >and more excitement as we cover the 1991 Usenet Olympics. [To be continued...]