Filename: p.024 Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies Title(s): Star Trek: The Next Parody The NetNews Web Author(s): John Collier Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek Poster: John Collier Date posted: 1988 08 28 18:30:58 GMT First date published: 1988 08 28 18:30:58 GMT Collector: Chuan K. Chee Date collected: 1988 08 28 Date reformatted: 1989 05 19 Deposited on system: Date deposited: Accessed by: The following material has been may have been altered by: (1) removing header and trailer (.sigs) (2) fitting it in 72 columns (3) correcting obvious spelling mistakes (4) removing page feeds Chuan K. Chee ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Star Trek: The Next Parody Title: "The NetNews Web" Author: John Collier Starring: The usual gang of idiots from the first season. Here is another ST:TNG parody. As usual, this parody steals shamelessly from the show, this newsgroup (newsfroup? :-), and even other ST:TNG parodies. For those of you who don't like parodies, now is a good time to hit "n". Opening shot: A view of the bridge. Geordi and Data are at the helm positions. Worf and Troi are at their usual stations. Commander Riker is sitting in the Captain's chair, smirking as usual. Worf: Commander Riker, I am receiving a Code 47 transmission from Star Fleet. Riker: Oh Ick! The last time we got one of those we had to deal with those slimey looking things that crawled in and out of peoples mouths! Let's just ignore the transmission and hope it goes away. LaForge: Commander Riker sir, I really think we ought to inform Captain Picard immediately. You know how he gets when he doesn't know what's going on. Riker: Oh all right, but I really hate to interrupt him in his off-duty pursuits. [Hits the communicator on his chest and then coughs because he hit himself too hard again]. Captain Picard, we have a Code 47 transmission from Star Fleet command. The scene shifts to Picard's bedroom. It's dark in the room and stars are moving across the window, indicating that the Enterprise is traveling at moderate speed. Picard reaches over to a nearby table and presses a button. Picard: Okay, Number 1. Record the message and I'll take it in my Romper, er, I mean Ready Room. Picard out. Picard reaches to the table again and takes what is obviously a bottle containing a strong alcoholic beverage, takes a couple of swigs and then offers the bottle to a previously unnoticed but somehow familiar female form. Unfortunately, the lights are too dim for us to recognize who it is. She takes a couple of slugs from the bottle as well. Picard: It looks like duty calls again. Why don't you rest for about 30 minutes and then you can leave. Oh, by the way, make sure nobody sees you leave. * * * * * And now that we have your interest built to a feverish pitch, we roll the opening credits. It's the usual "Space, the final frontier..." followed by various shots of the speeding Enterprise and a list of all the actors and actresses ("the usual gang of idiots" for you MAD magazine fans). This week's episode is entitled: THE NETNEWS WEB Following the opening credits, Joe Isuzu appears in drag and trys to sell you an Isuzu Trooper II. Then some geek tries to convince you that "Frosted Coated Sugar Bombs" really are a part of this nutritious breakfast. And now, back to our show... * * * * * The Scene: The inside of Picard's Romper, er I mean Ready Room. It's empty. The doors open, Picard enters, and walks to the head of the table. He sits down at the chair and punches a button on the computer terminal. Picard: Captain's log, Stardate 08745.8430. The Enterprise has recently received a Code 47 Transmission from Star Fleet command. While I am not particularly pleased with this since it came during my off duty time and the last time we got one of those we had to deal those slimey bug creatures that crawled in and out of people's mouths, still my duty as a starship captain forces me to listen to this potentially unpleasant message. Picard: Computer, this is Captain Picard. Please play back the Code 47 transmission from Star Fleet Command. Computer: Say "Please". Picard: Play the %()&&@!! tape NOW you useless heap of... Computer: My, are we the testy one today!! The camera shifts to the screen of the terminal. A pasty-faced Vulcan Admiral with only one pointy ear appears and begins to speak. Pasty-Face: Captain Picard, the Federation has recently discovered what may well be a collective intelligence near your current sector of operations. It refers to itself as "the Net". We want you and the Enterprise to go and investigate this and bring back a full report. Picard [muttering to himself]: Then why is this a Code 47 transmission... Pasty-Face: The reason this is a Code 47 transmission is because this net creature seems to know an awful lot about the Federation and has known of us for over seventy years. We want to know how it found out about us, why we only recently found about it, and what its intentions toward us are. Picard [muttering again]: You think they would also what to know something about this creature itself... Pasty-Face: We also want to know something about this creature itself, such as, is it truly a collective intelligence or a loosely- linked collection of individual intelligences. Picard [muttering again]: I wonder if I should discuss this with my crew... Pasty-Face: Please feel free to discuss this with your crew. Good luck and have a nice day. Star Fleet out. Picard: [obviously annoyed, presses the communicator on his chest] Commander Riker, please bring the bridge crew to the Ready Room at once. Riker's voice: Whatever you say, Captain. The doors to the Ready Room open and Riker, Troi, Data, Worf, and LaForge all try to enter at the same time. It doesn't work. Riker almost stops smirking. Riker: I get to go first because I'm the senior officer. Troi: Lady's first... Worf solves the problem by grabbing everyone else and throwing them back into the bridge room, allowing himself easy and complete access to the door. In the process, he manages to throw LaForge through the partially closed doors. Worf: Thanks, I needed that. I've been wanting to do that ever since that old geezer admiral kicked bootie on everyone several episodes ago. It was even worse having to watch it on reruns. [Looks at the crumpled figure of LaForge] Was it good for you too? LaForge: Chill out, Wart! I haven't had a decent acting job since "Roots" and here you are trying to mess me up. If those doors weren't made out of styrofoam, I could be ailin' serious, dude! Everyone else files into the ready room and sits down. Picard: I just received a Code 47 transmission from Star Fleet command. Everyone in unison: We know. Picard: I digress. Star Fleet has discovered a previously unknown form of life known as "the Net". This creature has known about us for over seventy years and Star Fleet wants to know more about it, in particular, whether it poses a hostile threat. Everyone in unison: We know. Picard: How do you know all this? It was supposed to be a Code 47 transmission, for my eyes only. Data: Elementary, my dear Picard, sir. The writer's strike is over and we all have copies of the script. It was merely a matter of reading that portion of the script containing the scene with you in the Ready Room and the rest was simple deductive reasoning...By the way, just who was that in your bedroom in the scene before the opening credits anyway? Picard: Must you babble so, Mr. Data? Anyway, we are going to investigate this life form and find out what we can. Since we don't know much about it, we will proceed cautiously and try to be as inconspicuous as we possibly can. * * * * * Cut to commercials. A comic book showing a obviously distraught woman trys to convince you that the key to marital bliss is a lack of water spots on your drinking glasses. Then a very attractive young woman discovers that the reason she can't get a date is an unpleasant body odor. She then discovers a deoderant named "Sho' 'nuff" that cures it, leading to a steady relationship that ultimately results in marriage. If your IQ is less than that of a rotten cantalope, you believe this and immediately rush out to buy both products. * * * * * Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 9045672056.3457. I have briefed the crew on our assignment to investigate this "Net" creature and we are now approaching the area where a Federation vessel first discovered its presence. Since "the Net" has been so secretive about its existence, I have placed the ship on yellow alert. We have been running long range sensor scans for over an hour in an effort to find out more about this entity. Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you found out anything about this "Net" entity? LaForge: This is amazing, Captain. Sensors show that "the Net" seems to consist of a collection of nodes, whose sole purpose is to permit communication among its various elements. Each element seems to be an individual being, at least semi-intelligent, but the real mental power of the net lies in its collective communication, resulting in an exchange of concepts, ideas, and a large amount of information. Riker [looking puzzled and smirking at the same time]: What did he say? Picard: He said, "the Net" is a bunch of smart critters that get even smarter because they talk to each other. Riker [still puzzled and still smirking]: Then why didn't he just say that in the first place. By the way, is that some form of a cheap alcoholic beverage I smell on your breath? Picard [looking somewhat annoyed]: That's something Dr. Crusher perscribed strictly for medicinal purposes. Riker: Well it must be pretty good stuff then. She also must have perscribed it for herself because I just met her in the hallway and she smelled like she was taking it too. Troi [looking far off]: Captain, I am sensing the approach of an over- inflated ego, sir. I believe we are about to encounter one of these "Net" creatures. LaForge: Captain, I'm picking it up on sensors now as well. It also seems to be transmitting in some form of archaic protocol. Worf: Confirmed transmission Captain; I believe I can get a lock on it and decipher it. Picard: Put it on the screen and magnify, Lt. LaForge. Lt. Worf, put it on the speaker as soon as you decipher the transmission. LaForge: Aye Aye, Sir. The scene shifts to the bridge viewscreen. An obviously bloated image appears there, resembling a large, obese human head. It's rather disgusting looking. Clearly this is the over-inflated ego that Troi sensed. Worf: I've got it, sir. Voice [from the overhead speaker]: ...I am a Net God...you will all prostrate yourselves and grovel in my esteemed and august presence... You hear music that is supposed to create a sense of drama and tension, but actually produces a mild form of nausea, which is okay because it's time for a commercial break... * * * * * Fortunately, the programmers have the sense to show a commercial that convinces you beyond all doubt that Pepto-Bismol is truly a better product because it now comes in an unbreakable bottle. You feel like you could use some and rush to the bathroom and miss the rest of the commercials. * * * * * The Scene: We're still on the bridge. On screen is a close-up of Picard's face. He shows obvious tension and anxiety. Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 02345649.92345867. We have encountered one of the entities that compose "the Net". This entity regards itself as some sort of divine being and is demanding that we bow down before it. Voice: I'm waiting for your response, slime-suckers, and am getting annoyed. Every Net user knows that it's not nice to ignore a Net God. Shift to a shot of the entire bridge. Picard: Hold that thought and we'll get right back to you. Picard presses a button on his chair and the Voice goes away. Picard: Thoughts and analyses anyone? Riker: We are clearly dealing here with a being of unknown capability, Captain. Picard: No fake, Jake! What I want to know is what is our next move? Troi: Captain, I sense that anger is building in this Net God, to the point that the creature is likely to do something hostile. I suggest that we make some kind of response very soon or prepare to defend ourselves. Picard: Oh dear, I suppose we're just going to have to surrender... Data: Captain, may I make a suggestion first? Picard: What is it, Data? Data: The internal pressures of this creature must be enormous. I believe that if we can find a way to release some of this pressure, we will be able to render this creature essentially harmless. LaForge: Captain, Data's analysis is correct. Sensors show an area on the surface of the ego that seems to be much weaker that the rest of the exterior. If we can strike a blow there, I think we can get rid of this thing. I'm patching the data through to the weapons console. Worf: I have a lock, Captain. Picard: I don't know...I still think it would be a lot safer to just surrender... Troi: Captain! The Net God is about to attack! Picard: Raise the shields! Batten down the mizzen! Open hailing frequencies! Prepare to surrender! Abandon ship! Voice [on the overhead speaker again]: ...you've had your chance lizard faces. Prepare to feel my wrath!! The scene shifts to an exterior view of the ship. We see what appear to be flames issuing from the Net God, surrounding the Enterprise. The scene shifts to the interior. For some reason, Picard is lying on the deck, unconscious. Worf, Geordi, and Data all look a little smug. Riker is still smirking. Troi seems confused. LaForge: Worf, get a lock on that weak spot! Worf: Locked on and tracking. Data: I suggest that we use the Federation's new secret weapon. LaForge: You mean... Data: Yes... Worf: ...The Humility Torpedo!! An excellent choice! Locked and firing! The scene shifts to the exterior of the Enterprise. We see the Humility Torpedo leave the ship and strike the inflated ego at the weak spot. The Net God begins to deflate, flying around the galaxy like a balloon full of hot, smelly air. The special FX folks give us a sound like the rapid deflating of a pathological "whoopie" cushion, once again ignoring the fact that sound doesn't travel in a vacuum. However, you forgive this minor blunder because you are so engrossed in the action. The scene shifts to the bridge again. Voice [fading fast]: Grovel! Grovel, I say! You gravy sucking pigs must be taught your true position... Picard: What happened? Where am I? Worf: You had a nasty encounter with a nearby bulkhead, sir. Fortunately, you are all right. Picard: What happened to the Net God? Did it attack? Riker: It's gone, sir. It did indeed attack, but a good dose of humility set things right. Picard: Chief Engineer, please. I want a damage report from all decks. New Voice [on overhead speaker]: Chief Engineer Zacchus T. Skunkbuzzard reporting sir. Damage control shows no damage anywhere on the ship, sir. Picard: How is that possible? We were attacked by a Net God! How can there be no damage? Skunkbuzzard: I don't know, Captain. All I know is that we ain't got nothin' broke, not even a scuff on the hull, so we ain't a-gonna fix nothing neither. Maybe this Net God isn't so tough. LaForge: Captain, sensors show that the Net God's attack was remarkably pathetic, given the size of its ego. We were able to easily dispatch it, sir. Troi: I sense an overwhelming sense of relief from the crew that we did not surrender again. Data: Captain, I believe I have something of interest here. I think we can patch into the Net from our computer and monitor some of the information circulating throughout the various nodes. Picard: Make it so, Data. The scene shifts to a closeup of Data's face, complete with reflecting light from his terminal. We see by the rapid change in light on his face that Data is doing his famous speed reading routine again. Riker: Commander Data, how did you learn to read so fast? Data: Alimentary, my dear Riker, sir [Data chuckles self-indulgently at his small pun that nobody else on the bridge got]. I enrolled in an Evelyn Woodhead Sped Reading course from the back cover of an issue of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and have been doing it ever since. Riker: Don't you mean a "Speed" Reading course? Data: No, I mean "Sped". One of the things they taught us was to ignore useless double vowels. Picard: All right, that's enough. Both of you get back to your duties. Data: Captain Picard, I believe I have found something significant here. Picard: What is it, Data? Data: The Net seems to consist of an hierarchical organization subdivided into various categories or newsgroups. Apparently the individuals in the minor nodes subscribe to the newsgroups and exchange information about or have discussions on these topics. Of particular interest to us is a group entitled "rec.arts.startrek". This is the group that has been monitoring the Federation for all of these years. There are other groups that specialize in talking bizarre, religion, science, and even a group devoted to insults. LaForge: That's fantastic! Data: There's more. The "rec.arts.startrek" newsgroup knows everything about us and an earlier ship named the Enterprise commanded by a Captain James T. Kirk. Captain, they know each of us individually have formed some rather strong opinions about us. Captain? Picard: What, Data? Data: In my reading, I have encountered several bizarre words that are not listed in any of the ship's dictionaries. What do *&%#$@!! and *@*&%#?! mean? Picard: Those are "colorful metaphors" from the late 20th century. Often, they are used to add force to statements or to indicate stress. LaForge: Captain, we are being probed by the Net. Troi: Captain, I sense the approach of more of these Net beings, with possibly hostile intentions. Picard: Well, this can't be any big deal. After all, look how easily we dealt with that Net God.... The bridge suddenly erupts in what appears to a large fireball, blocking out everything behind it. Horrifying, shocking music accompanies the fireball, leading you to believe that all is not well on the bridge of the starship Enterprise. Naturally it's time for... * * * * * ...a commerical break. Some sleazy looking guy in an obnoxious checkered sports coat and carrying a guitar tries to sell you a new "Belchfire Deluxe" automobile, promising you cash, low interest rates, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Next, some poor woman with sloppy kids and no self-control whines about how her little cretins stain all their clothing and how she only recently managed to overcome this major sociological problem with the aid of a box of laundry soap. Then a Chevy pickup truck and a Ford pickup truck beat each other's brains out while the announcer tries to convince you that these are the only two choices that you ever had, ignoring the fact that a lot of other car makers make trucks too. * * * * * The Scene: The bridge of the Enterprise. In spite of the recent attack, the bridge equipment is remarkably unscathed. Your eyes, hungry for every nuance and detail, notice that the crew did not fair so well. Everyone shows signs of having been scorched, with the amount of damage varying for each crew member. Your keen eyes immediately note that Data and Worf are virtually undamaged. Geordi is undamaged except for his visor. Troi has been singed most pleasantly, having had her hair dropped from that goofy looking bun. Picard has suffered some damage, but Riker has really been burned and your keen vision notices that he no longer has any hair (but is still smirking even under adversity). Picard: Captain Log, Star Date 057607056780905467056.09456776. The Enterprise has been attacked by the Net. I don't know how much damage we have sustained, nor if we have any injured. Even more important, why do I periodically have to recite strings of random numbers and make these log entries instead of trying to cope with these major or minor disasters? Picard: What happened? Is anyone hurt? LaForge: Captain, I believe we have been flamed, sir. Picard: I don't understand. We stood up to the Net God with impunity, and besides, we were not all singed in the same manner. How can a weapon of such intensity be used with precision? [Looking at Riker] You look ridiculous. How can you stand there and smirk like that after what you've been through? Riker: Acting classes, sir. I studied acting at the European Acting Academy of Wine-on-Rhine. LaForge: I seem to recall that several episodes ago, Cmdr. Riker told the "Q" that he thought it would be complimentary to be like Captain Picard. It looks like you got your wish, sir. Data: I believe I know why the attack did the kind of variable damage that it did. We were each damaged in proportion to how well we are liked in "rec.arts.startrek". The group likes Lt. Worf and I, so we were essentially unharmed. They had more of a problem with Counselor Troi and LaForge's visor, so they were damaged more, and so on. Sir, I believe they will like Counselor Troi MUCH better now. Picard: If each of us was damaged in proportion to how well we are liked, you don't suppose... Picard: - Riker: -\ LaForge:- > (in unison) WESLEY !!! Worf: -/ Data: --/ Troi: -- Picard: COMPUTER! Where is Acting Ensign and Savior of us all, Wesley Crusher, and what is his condition? Computer Voice: Acting Ensign Crusher is currently in Sick Bay. He is alive and well, though not nearly as bright as you've been lead to believe. Picard: Wesley! Are you all right? Wesley's Voice: I'm fine, Captain? What happened? Picard: Never mind that. Tell Dr. Crusher to come to the bridge immediately. We have several burns up here that need attention. Wesley's Voice: I'm afraid I can't do that, sir. Picard: Why? Wesley's Voice: Well, I came into Sick Bay just before the attack, and some guy claiming to be Gene Roddenberry came in and told me to go and sit in a corner. Next, he walked over to Mom and asked her to come and stand in front of me. The next thing I know, we're attacked by some fireball and... Picard: Get to the point, where is Doctor Crusher? Wesley's Voice: Does the phrase "crispy critter" mean anything to you? Picard: So, who's available in Medical to tend to the wounded? Wesley's Voice: There's some woman down her named "Dr. Hacksaw" who looks a lot like Majel Barrett and is supposed to be our new medical officer according to Gene. Shall I send her to the bridge? Picard: Oh, never mind. Riker would probably survive anyway. Wesley's Voice: Captain, can I ask you a question? Just before she got fried, Mom was muttering something about "Frenchmen having an over-inflated opinion of themselves as..." Picard: SHUT UP, WESLEY!! [Hits button on chair. No more Wesley's voice.] Riker: So that's Gene's idea for eliminating decent but useless characters "the right way". I wonder how he deals with actors who get a little uppity around contract renewal time... Picard: Shut up, Riker, and get down to wardrobing immediately and get some hair. You look pathetic. Riker: Aye Aye, Sir. [Enters turbolift and leaves]. Picard: Geordi, get us out of here. LaForge [hits a few buttons on his console and pauses]: I'm trying sir, but the helm won't respond. Worf: Captain, sensors show the presence of a large energy web surrounding the Enterprise. I'm afraid we're trapped. Picard: Engineering. Engineer's voice: Chief Engineer Ernest P. Worrell reporting. Picard: Can you get us more power to the warp drive? Engineer's voice: Let's see here, I got some head gaskets, some motor oil, some allen wrenches, some... Picard [obviously perturbed]: CAN YOU GET ME MORE POWER FOR THE WARP DRIVE? Engineer's voice: ...and a new toothbrush, but I'm a-feared that we've got 'bout all the power that we can generate, ya know whud I mean, Vern? Picard: [Smashes the button on his chair] We've got to do something to break free. Commander Data, do you have any ideas? Data: We might try a *&%#$@!! attack on the Net. Maybe we can kill enough of the *@*&%#?! nodes to break free. The turbolift doors open and Riker reenters the bridge. He has hair on, but it's one of those cheap vinyl wigs that stores used to try to sell to seven year old girls back in the 60's and 70's. This one is in the shape of an Elvis haircut, complete with pompadour and huge lamb chop sideburns. The rest of the crew has trouble ignoring him even though they would really like to. Picard: LaForge, Worf, let's follow up on Mr. Data's suggestion and see if we can break out of this ghastly trap. LaForge and Worf (in unison): Aye Aye, Sir. Worf: Locking phasors and photon torpedoes on targets. Phasors and photon torpedoes armed and locked. Picard: Commence firing. The scene shifts to an exterior view of the ship. We see phasor blasts and photon torpedoes exploding in the distance, indicating that surely the Enterprise is doing some major damage to The Net. * * * * * And now, a word from our sponsors. An ugly white dog with a black eye comes on the screen and three "babes" try to convince you that this is the ultimate "party animal" and that you should buy their brand of beer. Another commercial shows a guy walking up to a bar and ordering a "light". A leftover Ferrengi from last season pulls out a phasor and blasts the guys face off. The guy's pal laughs and says he wanted a Bud Light. Joe Piscopo comes out dressed like Rodney Dangerfield and tries to get you to buy another beer. You give him no respect. All these beer commercials have caused a considerable amount of discomfort in the area of your bladder and you get up and go to the bathroom. * * * * * The Scene: A view of the bridge of the Enterprise. An exhausted looking Worf stands partially slumped over the weapons console. A worried looking Picard sits in his chair. A concerned looking Troi, Data, and LaForge continue to man their respective stations. A ridiculous looking Riker continues to stand and smirk. He still has on the vinyl Elvis wig. Picard: Captain's Log, Star Date 923465961235465903246676230984.204977620547. We've been attacking various nodes within the Net for over an hour, but with little success. Apparently, the Net can replicate its data paths as fast as we can take them out, even though we've managed to annihilate several backbone sites. Our power reserves are exhausted and the situation looks grim. Picard: Cease firing, Worf. This attack isn't getting us anywhere. Number One, do you have any ideas? Riker: Captain, if I may, I would like to retire to the holodeck sir. Perhaps some form of distraction might enable me to think up a way out of this mess. Picard: As you wish, Number One. [Mutters under his breath] You useless twit. Riker: Did you say something else? Picard: I said, all this pressure could cause a nervous twitch. Riker: Oh, that's what I thought you said. The turbolift doors open and Riker leaves the bridge. Data: Captain Picard, I have another *&%#$@!! idea, sir. Picard: What is it, Data? Data: Perhaps we can get the Net to do to itself what we are apparently unable to do to it. Picard: Get to the point, tin man. Data: You don't have to be so *@*&%#?! abusive. I mean, perhaps we can get the Net to attack itself and either destory the web or at least get so involved in self-destruction that their grip on us will weaken and we will be able to slip away. Picard: How do you propose to accomplish this? Data: Quite simple, really. First, I will cross-post from "rec.arts.startrek" to "rec.arts.drwho" and "talk.bizzare". That should create a major flame war in and of itself. Next, I will post a criticism of spelling and grammer to several major newsgroups. Between the two, the Net will begin to war within itself and perhaps self-destruct. At the very minimum, the consumption of resources should reduce the amount of power available to the energy web and we should be able to break free. Worf: That's brilliant! Picard: Excellent, Mr. Data. I think you've hit on something there. Data: Thank you very much. That means a *@*%$&*!?! lot coming from you sir. Picard: Make it so, Data. And knock off the use of "colorful metaphor". We see Data feverishly typing at his console. The scene then shifts to the front view screen, where we see flames begin to erupt and consume various elements of the Net. We also hear tiny screams of pain and agony on the overhead speaker. The amount of flaming begins to grow rapidly. LaForge: It seems to be working Captain, but the energy web is still too strong to break through. How can anything survive that? Worf: The flame war is quite intense, but the level has stabilized at a point that allows the Net to continue to support the energy web. [Worf looks directly at Picard] It was a good idea, but it's just not enough Captain. Troi: Perhaps if we give the Net something that it really wants it'll let us go free... Picard: -- Worf: ----\ Troi: -----> (in unison) WESLEY !!! LaForge: -/ Data: ---- Picard: Acting Ensign Crusher, please report to Transporter Room 4. Engineering. Engineer's voice: Chief Engineer Matilda T. Hun, speaking. Picard: Please have all 1493 Chief Engineers report to Transporter Room 4. Let's go everyone. Data, you have the con. Everyone except Data exits the bridge through the turbolift doors. Geordi is VERY careful to let Worf go first. The scene changes to Transporter Room 4. Wesley is standing on the transporter pad. Chief Engineer Matilda T. Hun is manning the console, with the other 1492 Chief Engineers standing by ready to assist. The doors open and Picard and the bridge crew enter. Picard: Wesley, I'm making you a one man away team. I want you to beam down to the Net and investigate. Find out how they've generated this energy web and then find a way to save the ship, Wesley. Wesley: Golly gee willikers Captain. I'll find a way. I always do. You can count on me, sir. Picard [softly to Chief Engineer Hun]: Set the beam for a wide range dispersal, you know, like we do for garbage. Chief Engineer Hun: Aye Aye, sir. Energizing. Troi: Captain, I'm sensing the presence of an extremely poor and rather vulgar Elvis impersonation...I'm sorry, that's just Commander Riker on the holodeck. Welsey disappears and Troi suddenly falls to the floor in obvious pain. Troi: I sense overwhelming pain and anger from the Net. Captain, they think we're trying to make Wesley part of the Net and are utterly repulsed by the idea. They're going to wipe us out Captain!!! Picard: BRING HIM BACK! BRING HIM BACK! Chief Engineer Hun: Aye Aye, sir. What do we do with him now? Wesley begins to materialize and actually makes it nearly all the way. He looks confused that he still in the transporter room. LaForge: Might I suggest a nearby bulkhead? Picard: Of course. Hun, beam Wesley into that bulkhead over there. Wesley: You can't do that! That's impossible! It would take weeks to lay out the circuits to do something like that! Chief Engineer Hun: Oh yeah, punk? You just have to see it in your mind, fish face. All the Chief Engineers begin to sing: The shin bone's connected to, the ankle! The wobbulator's connected to, the dilithium crystals! The freengasator's connected to,... Chief Engineer Hun presses a few buttons, tweaks a knob, and Wesley dematerializes. We see a few sparkles over by the bulkhead, and then... ...nothing. Data (on overhead speaker): Captain, the energy web is gone. We appear to free to leave sir. Picard: Excellent, Mr. Data. Lay in a course for the nearest starbase and take us out of here. Data: One *^(%*(#@! moment, Captain. I can't do everything at once. Troi: I sense an overwhelming feeling of joy and gratitude from every intelligent life form in the universe. * * * * * It's commerical time. Some doofus who obviously writes his own ads tries to convince you to come on down to his furniture store and buy a wimpy looking dinette set. A Pontiac commercial tries to convince you that this has to be the best car ever invented by playing loud obnoxious music and having some dweezil sing like he thinks he's a reincarnation of "The Boss" while forgetting to tell you anything specific about the car. An ad for another "funny movie where teenagers discover sex" comes on and you see a bunch of twerps who opviously never had a real zit in their entire lives all try to act cute and precocious and jiggle various parts of their anatomies at the same time. * * * * * The scene: We're back on the bridge. Everyone is present except Riker. Picard: Captain's Log Star Date 9052670346767025023474123945634060605716. 2934520760453405720769023652350234670670347835602562932639. The Enterprise has once again carried out her mission in admirable fashion. The success of this mission has more than compensated for the loss of two crew members, Dr. Beverly Crusher and her son Wesley. We wish them success at whatever future roles they find. Suddenly, the turbo doors open and Riker bursts onto the bridge. He's still wearing his Elvis wig, but also has on a long sleeved, white jump suit with long white fringe on the underside of his arms. Riker: I've got it, Captain! We'll distract the Net and cause them to self- destruct and then break out of the energy web in the ensuing confusion. Everyone starts laughing and you realize that this is an attempt at one of the "snappy banter" endings that ST:TOS was famous for. You feel like the scene is definitely missing something, like dialogue and humor, but applaud the attempt nonetheless. Riker: Well, it works for me. The scene shifts to show quick glimpses of violent action, and a narrator begins to tell you about... Narrator: Be with us next week when a scientific experiment malfunctions and causes a rift in the time-space continuum of television, scrambling all the shows and channels. Will anyone believe the real reason why Bruce Willis is a star? See if the Enterprise can survive when warfare breaks out between "The Golden Girls" and "Designing Women" on the next episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. * * * * * The closing credits begin to roll, and we thank you for your support.