Filename: p.020 Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies Title(s): Star Trek: The Next Generation Episode 22: A Galaxy Far, Far Away Author(s): Seth R. Meyer Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek Poster: Seth R. Meyer Date posted: 1988 12 17 19:29:46 GMT First date published: 1988 03 ?? Collector: Chuan K. Chee Date collected: 1988 12 19 Date reformatted: 1990 01 08 Deposited on system: Date deposited: Accessed by: The following material has been may have been altered by: (1) removing header and trailer (.sigs) (2) fitting it in 72 columns (3) correcting obvious spelling mistakes (4) removing page feeds Chuan K. Chee ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ============================================================== ================================================================== ========== ========== =========== Star Trek: The Next Generation =========== ============ ============ ============ Episode 22 ============ ============ ============ =========== A Galaxy Far, Far Away =========== ========== ========== ================================================================== ============================================================== ============================================================================ Scene 1: -------- Picard: Captain's log, 43258.2...While playing with our warp engines, Wesley has warped us into yet another unchartered region of our galaxy. Data: Sir, if we were to travel at warp nine, back to Earth, it would take 2 months, 2 weeks, 13 days, 35 hours, 64 minutes 92 seconds, 10 millise... Riker: Data!... Data: Yes, sir? Riker: How did you make it through the academy without being able to simplify somthing as simple as time? Data: Cheat, fudge, lie, brown-nose, copy, sneak, conce.. Riker: Data... Geordi: Data, you could of said 2 months, 4 weeks, 11 hours, 5 minutes, and 34 seconds. Wesley: No sir. Its 2 months, 5 weeks, 12 hours, 5 minutes, and 32 seconds. Geordi: Are you sure? [Wesley nods..] Worf: Captain. There is a small spacecraft approaching. Picard: Lt. Yar, open hailing frequencies. [pause] Tasha? Worf: Respectfully speaking, sir, but she is dead. Remember the incident with you sending her out in the shuttle-craft? A shame. She was a *strong* woman. Data: [to himself] ...and also sexually stimulating. Picard: [scratching bald head] Oh...right! Worf open hailing frequencies. This is Captain Jean-Luc Pica... Worf: Hailing frequencies open *now* sir. Picard: Oh... This is Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Enterprise. Identify yourselves! Voice: <> Picard: We haven't met an alien race that didn't. Voice: <> Picard: Hi-per-who? Voice: <> Picard: Hold on a sec, willya? [signals to Worf, who shuts off communications. He looks up at ceiling and proceeds to talk to it:] Picard to Engineering! Chief Engineer 31: Tyler here, go ahead Captain. Picard: [still yelling towards ceiling] Do we have 'hyperdrive'? Chief Engineer 31: Hold on, sir. [pause] Of the Engineers on the ship, 34 say 'no' and 33 say 'yes'. Picard: [yelling towards ceiling] Thank you. [looks at bridge crew.] Anyone have any suggestions? Riker: Yes, we have hyperdrive. Geordi: No, there ain't no thing. Data: I do not believe we have hyperdrive, sir. [Everone looks at Worf] Worf: With all due respect, I could care less. Picard: What about you counselor? Troi: I feel a disturbance in some force around us. Picard: Nevermind, counselor. [looks at bridge crew] What should I tell them? Wesley: Sir, I've been reading some manuals on the Enterprise, and it does not have anything called 'hyperdrive'. Picard: Very good, Wesley. Maybe you'll get into the academy some day. Now shut up! Worf, open frequencies. [In a louder voice..] No, we do not ha... Worf: Hailing frequencies open, sir. Picard: ..ha-ha-have...ahem! No, we do not have hyperdrive. Voice: <> [puzzled, looks at everyone on bridge who exchange puzzled glances. Everyone looks at Wesley who nods 'yes'. The rest of the bridge nods.] Picard: Uh, yes, we have a tractor beam. Wesley, activate tractor beam. Wesley: Aye-aye skipper! Tractor beams are my specialty! Picard: Shut up, Wesley! ======================================================================== Scene 2: -------- [In Transporter Room 3] Picard: What is it Riker? You have that stupid grin on your face again. Riker: Oh nothing sir... just thinking. Transporter Chief: Ready to beam them up, sir. Picard: Make it so. {bbbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzztttttttttttt} [Four figures appear. Two are male, one female, and one is animal-like.] First man: Whoa! Neat way to travel. I'm Han Solo, This is Luke Skywalker... Luke: ...Hello... Solo: ...my fiance, Princess Leia... Leia: [to Solo] ...fiance!? You've got to be kidding!?!... Solo: ...and my companion Chewbacca. Say 'hi' Chewie. Chewie: GRRRRRGGG! RORWROWROOO! Picard: I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and this is my first officer Riker. [Riker grins and nods] Picard: Welcome aboard the Enterprise. ============================================================================ Scene 3: -------- [Bridge turbolift doors open. Picard, Riker, and the strange crew step onto the bridge.] Picard: ...and this is our bridge. Solo: Whoa! It's huge. [Chewbacca stands ominously over data] Data: Excuse me, sir, but you're shedding all over my console. Chewie: ARRRGGG! Solo: Easy, Chewie. Picard: Solo. There are *no* animals permitted on the bridge... [Chewbacca grabs Picards neck and lifts him three feet above the ground] Picard: [choking] ...so I don't think you'll have to worry about Chewie getting fleas. [He falls to the ground, rubbing his neck] Worf: Captain, I suggest you look at the viewscreen. Picard: It looks like a small moon. Troi: I sense a feeling of many, many minds. Data: There are no records of any such moon. Solo: That's not just *any* moon. {suspenseful music} Geordi: There are definite life forms on this moon. Solo: Endor! [Everyone on bridge exchanges puzzled glances] Riker: In who? Solo: Endor! That moon of Endor has Ewoks on it. Picard: Who walks? Solo: [getting frustrated] Ewoks! Furry animals creatures. Chewie: AAARRRGG! Solo: Sorry; *little* furry animal creatures. Riker: Tribbles? Luke: [finally speaking, interrupting] I sense a great disturbance in the force. I believe we're in danger. Worf: [murmuring to himself] Not *ANOTHER* Betazoid. Troi: I agree. We *are* in danger. [Luke and Troi stare at each other] Luke: Are you a jedi, like my father? Troi: No I never heard of a jet-aye. Are you Betazoid, like my mother? Luke: Not that I know of. Worf: [interrupting] Approaching another moon of endor. Riker: Full stop, Geordi! Geordi: Aye, sir. Leia: Oh no! Chewie: AAARRRGG! Wesley: Oh neat! That's a self propelled ion-powered armed battle-station! Picard: Shut up Wesley! Wesley: But... Beverly: [Over intercom] <> Picard: [still looking at viewscreen] Picard here. Doctor, this better be important. We might have a crises on our hands. Beverly: <> Picard: Not *now* Doctor. Picard out. Luke: You shouldn't be so hard on the boy. He is quite correct. That *is* a battle station. =========================================================================== Scene 4: -------- Data: We are being pulled towards the station. Picard: A tractor beam? Wesley: Duh... Solo: Oh no...tie fighters!! Riker: Geordi, shields and deflectors up! Geordi: Shields and deflectors up, sir. [Blasters fire from the tie-fighters, hitting the Enterprise in various areas] Picard: [yelling at ceiling] Picard to Engineering! Chief Engineer 43: <> Picard: Damage report! Chief Engineer 43: <> Picard: Shields down 75%?!? Chief Engineer 43: <> Picard: Oh...thanks. Picard out. Geordi, fire warning shots. Let them know what we're capable of. Luke: [aside to Solo] Have you figured out who does what job here? [Solo nods 'no'] Geordi: Torpedo's away, sir. {pftttt...pftttt...pftttt...pftttt...pftttt...pftttt...pftttt...pftttt} [seconds later...] {kabloom...kabloom...kabloom...kabloom...kabloom...kabloom...kabloom} Solo: [thinking to himself] (1...2....3...4...5...6...7...huh? I thought they fired eight torpedos?) Data: All torpedoes have hit the battle-station. Worf: Tractor beam has stopped. Riker: Geordi! The captain told you to fire warning shots! Report! Geordi: [smiling coyly] What do you expect from a blind man? Luke & Troi: I sense great anger. Data: Space station turning and scanners detect it powering up. Worf: Shields and deflectors are at 100%, sir. Picard: Any suggestions? [The Death Star fires its death beam, a beam powerful enough to destroy a planet. The ship quakes violently] Picard: Worf, Damage report! Worf: Shields are down to 48%. Sir, we cannot take another shot. Picard: Worf send the following in all languages and in all frequencies: "We surrender." =========================================================================== Scene 5: -------- Worf: Tie fighters breaking up and another small vessel approaching. Data: Its docking now in shuttlecraft bay 4. Picard: Riker, Troi, Solo; come with me. [enters turbolift] Computer: Location? Picard: Shuttlecraft Bay. Computer: Number? Picard: Four. [doors slide closed and seconds pass] Picard: Does either of you know what we're up against? Troi: I sense a very powerful mind. Solo: His name is Darth Vader. Picard: That's interesting. Luke and Leia called him 'Dad'. Riker: It might be some sort of deception on their part. Troi: ...or they might think that he really is their father. Picard: [sarcastically to Troi] Such mistakes are known to happen... [turbolift doors open, conveniently after the conversation has been completed.] Vader: hauu--chua, hauu--chua {sound effects of Vader breathing} Picard: I demand to know why you have fired on our ship! Vader: You demand? [Vader looks at Picard, who begins to choke from some mysterious cause] Solo: You scum! [firing several blaster shots at Vader, who deflects them with his hand] Riker: Let me try with a man's weapon. [Riker fires a phaser shot, which Vader attempts to stop with his hand, but fails, as the phaser shot makes a hole through his hand] Vader: ARG! Troi: Stop this violence! Vader: Something different about you little lady. The force is strong within you. You have potential. Hmmm... But first... [takes out light sabre] wouzzzzz...crackle [Vader aims light sabre at Riker, and is about to strike him, when the sabre is disarmed, and he falls to the ground] Vader: AAAEEII!! Riker: [breathing heavily] Thanks Captain. Picard: I did nothing. Counselor? Solo? Troi: I don't know, sir, but he had something devious in mind for me. [Solo simply shruggs his shoulders] Picard: [yelling at ceiling] Picard to Dr. Crusher, medical emergency! Shuttlecraft Bay 5! Solo: Four Picard: [yelling at ceiling] Make that Shuttlecraft Bay 4. Picard to bridge. Data: <> Picard: Report! Data: <> Picard: [still yelling at ceiling] Go ahead, Wes. Wesley: <> Picard: [yelling at ceiling] Look, Wes. Don't disturb me with trivial stuff like that. Just find some dilithium crystals to play with and leave me alone. Picard out. Solo: Picard! He deactivated Darth Vader! Wesley saved your first officer's life! [suddenly, Q appears] Q: So. You still deny calling yourself a savage race. [Solo fires a few blaster shots at Q, who dies] Picard: I didn't think you could shoot him! Riker: Well, if you recall, Q did freeze Lt. Torres when he was about to stun him. Troi: He therefore could be shot, because I had *sensed* a brief feeling of fear eminating from him. Solo: [aside, to Picard] Are you sure she's not a jedi? Picard: I don't believe it! Riker: Sir? Picard: We actually figured something out without the help of Wesley! Troi: Well you've done that before. Recall in the episode called 11001010? Riker: No, I think it was called 10101010. Picard: [once again, yelling at ceiling] Picard to bridge! What was the episode with the binars? Geordi: <<11101001?>> Worf: <<201?>> Data: <<11001001>> Wesley: <> Data: <> Picard: [yelling at florescent lights] Thanks, all. It's 11000110, [thinking that Wesley must be right] Troi. I was there, so I know. Riker: Yeah, but the only reason we figured it out was because we were pressed for time in 10110001. Now, we are not pressed for time. Troi: With all our attention on the binar episode, we should be more attentive to the new ship approaching. Solo: Oh No! It's the Emperor. =======================================================================