X-NEWS: spcvxa rec.arts.startrek: 164
Relay-Version: VMS News - V5.9C 19/12/89 VAX/VMS V5.3; site spcvxa.spc.edu
Path: spcvxa!njin!rutgers!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!mcsun!ukc!icdoc!sot-ecs!DS
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: Vaxtrek (and no apologies)
Message-ID: <11229.9002201145@henry.ecs.soton.ac.uk>
From: dsm89@ecs.soton.ac.uk (DS McGarry)
Date: 20 Feb 90 11:49:52 GMT
Reply-To: dsm89@uk.ac.soton.ecs
Sender: dsm89@ecs.soton.ac.uk
Expires: 22 Mar 90 00:00:00 GMT
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.2 PL13]
Lines: 1195

 VAXTREK !
+++++++++++

  I found this on a bulletin board. enjoy it if you haven't seen it
before .

>From asc189 Mon Feb 19 18:37:05 GMT 1990
Received: from webster.ecs.soton.ac.uk by gloriana.ecs.soton.ac.uk; Mon, 19 Feb 90 18:31:47 GMT
Message-Id: <18600.9002191835@webster.ecs.soton.ac.uk>
Received: from trice.ecs.soton.ac.uk by webster.ecs.soton.ac.uk; Mon Feb 19 18:35:48 1990
Date:     Mon, 19 Feb 90 12:45:26
>From: "AS Capstack" <asc189>
To: "DS McGarry" <dsm89>
Subject:  Vaxtrek!
Status: OR




Well I wish I could, but I can't claim to have written this but whoever
did deserves praise (and a months holiday in a nice padded room),
for yea surely he is the son of the Messiah known as Terry Pratchet.

Anyway read and enjoy.






-- Vax Trek V ----------------------------------------------------------------

                   VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
                   ----------------------------------------

These are the voyages of the VAXShip Enterkey..Its five cpu minute mission  to
seek out and destroy  all slightly dodgy  files...To boldly split  infinitives
where there's no grammar teacher to slap our wrists....

Captain's log, CPU Time: 3:45 point 31
--------------------------------------

Nothing much happening. Had quite a  nice chicken curry for breakfast.  Walked
about a bit. Went to  the toilet on deck 4.  Ignored a few insignificant  crew
members in red jerseys. Now  sitting on the bridge  writing this log, but  I'm
about to be interrupted by Scotty.

Scotty: "Scott to bridge..Scott to bridge.."

Jim: "Go ahead Mr. Scott.."

Scotty: "Cap'n Cap'n...the dilithium crystals canna take any more!"

Jim: "Alright alright you have permission to divert the power back to the main
      engines and disconnect my home beer making kit."

Scotty: "Thanks cap'n"

Jim: "Attention everyone, it's jersey colour allocation day today..."

Sulu: "Aw siiiir...do we HAVE to?? We always end up with same colour jerseys
       anyway..."

Jim: "Listen..this must be seen to be a democratically run ship...The plebs on
      the lower decks have  to believe the allocation  is fair otherwise  we'd
      have mutiny on our hands. Hence  the weekly jersey allocation game.  But
      of course we cleverly arrange it that they always lose, and end up  with
      the red ones."

Scotty: "So why do I get a red one?"

Jim: "Don't you see?..someone important has  to have one to make them  believe
      it's perfectly safe to wear a red one....but of course yours just LOOKS
      red.. it's really  one of  the yellow  ones with  a special  holographic
      colour refractor built in."

Spock: "It's perfectly logical....Captain"

Jim: "Shut up Spock, you pointy eared wierdo"

Spock: "As I am completely devoid of emotion, anger isn't something I suffer
        from...but I would warn you that if you persist in these insults  I'll
        kick your teeth in."

Jim: "You do value having a BLUE jersey Spock don't you?"

Spock: "Emmm....yes captain"

Jim: "Any more of your lip and you'll be allocated a red one...."

Spock: "sorry sir...won't happen again"

Lt.Uhura: "Sir,..is my red jersey really a yellow one like Mr.Scott's?"

Jim: "No...yours is a real red one....you get killed in the next episode.."

Lt.Uhura: "In that case I'll just resign from the show before the next
           episode. I can get another acting job easily."

Jim: "Fair enough...but how do you propose to get home?"

Lt.Uhura: "..But I thought..."

Jim: "I know..you thought we were in a studio set somewhere in Hollywood?"

Lt.Uhura: "..basically...yes.."

Jim: "..A  popular misconception....don't  worry  though...we meet  up  with a
      supply ship returning to earth in two episode's time."

Lt.Uhura: "...but i get killed in the next episode..it'll be too late"

Jim: "Hmm...Scotty..if we fed the output of the warp drive exciter windings
      into the main neutrino pulse modulator, reversed the polarity on the
      fusion reactor field, and plugged the pacman cartridge into the games
      console in the level 3 rec. room, would that allow us to make  episode 3
      happen before episode 2?"

Scotty: "No....but if we press this big orange button here...."

NEXT WEEK: Episode 3.

NEXT NEXT WEEK: Episode 2.

...you're a genius scotty...

Episode 3:
----------

Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:42 point 42
--------------------------------------
By a stroke of genius, Scotty has managed to make episode 3 happen before
episode 2, thus saving Lt.Uhura's life. We expect to rendezvous soon with an
earth bound supply ship, which Lt.Uhura will journey home aboard...thus avoiding
the untimely death which would have befallen her if she'd stayed on till
episode 2.

Jim:"Mr.Sulu..let me know when we hit the supply ship."

Spock: "Jim..."

Jim: "Quiet Spock!..can't you see I'm talking to Mr. Sulu?"

Sulu:"Be fair captain, my driving isn't THAT bad."

Jim: "Well try not to do so much damage this time....the Federation had to
write-off the last supply ship we hit, and you killed 500 crew members. It's
just as well they were all red jersey grade or you'd have been up for a
Federation Court Martial."

Sulu: "I've taken lessons since then...I can steer the ship fine now."

Spock: "Jim..."

Jim: "Shut up Spock...I'm still addressing Mr.Sulu..."

Sulu: "As I was saying...I've now realised that the secret of steering the
       EnterKey properly is to look where you're going...quite obvious really."

Spock: "Jim..I hate to interrupt your enthralling conversation with Mr.Sulu,
        but the fact that we are about to collide with a large planet might
        be of considerable interest to both of you."

Jim: "Hooooooooolllleeeeeeeeeeeee Sh** !!!!!"

Sulu: "..I beg your pardon?"

Jim: "Quick you fool!..slam on the brakes!..Scotty give us full reverse warp
        drive power!!!!"

Scotty: "The dilithium crystals canna take it captain..."

Jim: "Right!..activate the flashing red lights and start up the whooping sirens
        ...this is a red alert...we're going to have to attempt a crash landing"

Sulu: "Are you sure we can do that sir?"

Jim: "Yes you idiot...it's in the script. That big green button to your left
        that wasn't there last week lowers the undercarriage."

Sulu: "Oh!..so THAT's what it does...ok then..undercarriage lowered...we're
        going in....hang on to yer trousers...."


Frodo sat in his favourite chair by the fire, in his comfortable little
Hobbit hole at Bag End, sipping tea and enjoying a good smoke on his pipe..
It was finest grade pot from the eastern marches, and its full effect was now
coming over Frodo...Gandalf, lounging in the other chair, now looked like a
little pink fluffy elephant, which would periodically flap its ears and float
around the room. Gandalf meanwhile...who was also partaking of the evil weed
FELT like he was a little pink fluffy elephant that periodically flapped its
ears and floated round the room.

"Like heaveee man...what was that bang I just heard?", said Gandalf..suddenly
sitting bolt upright in his chair and straining to hear the commotion outside
the window.

"It's just the start of the percussion section.....you know..we're on the third
side now....", replied Frodo.

"I knew I should never have bought you Tales From Topographic Oceans...and that
bloody record player is an anachronism anyway...you should get rid of it.",
said Gandalf as he got up from his chair and staggered toward the small round
window.

"Oh bugger....it's that idiot Kirk again and his bloody starship...they've
crash landed right in the middle of Hobbiton.", exclaimed Gandalf with faint
signs of annoyance sweeping over his face. He straightened out his flares,
buckled his sandals and made for the door...with Frodo scurrying after in a
state of bemused excitement....

Episode 2:
----------

Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:50 point 42
--------------------------------------
We have crash landed on a strange little planet which wasn't on any of the
standard Federation star maps...or at least that's Mr.Sulu's excuse.
Until we either fix or replace the burned out dilithium crystals in the warp
drive unit we cannot take off.

Scotty: "You BASTARD!!"

Jim: "Pardon???!?"

Scotty: "You do it deliberately don't you?..you wreck my engines every episode."

Jim: "Calm down Scotty...I promise we'll get them fixed.."

Scotty: "..you've been taking a sneak look at the script again haven't you??"

Jim: "emmm...er...no of course not...I just get the feeling we'll get them
        fixed by the end of today's episode."

Scotty: "...and how do you propose to go about fixing them?"

Jim: "Well first of course we'll need a landing party...Any volunteers?"

Spock: "I'll come..."

Scotty: "...och ok I'll come.."

Jim: "Right let's go...we'll pick up a few red jerseyed guards on the way
        down..."

[10 minutes later, they stand outside the EnterKey on what appears to be
 a rough cobbled road]

Jim: "Hmmm..a road eh...a sign of civilisation....set your phasers to 'kill'.
        Give me a tricorder reading Spock."

Spock: "Atmosphere: breathable oxygen/nitrogen mixture..."

Scotty: "..I should bloody well hope so.....and anyway..Federation Standard
        Landing Party Procedure states that tricorder readings of atmospheric
        content should take place BEFORE we set foot on the planet"

Spock: "That's Federation bureaucrats for you....Someone should point out
        to them that it's only possible to take a tricorder reading once
        you're actually there..."

Scotty: "but...but...but what happens if the atmosphere wasn't breathable?"

Spock: "It always is...."

Jim: "Anything else on the tricorder Spock?"

Spock: "Yes I'm picking up some primitive radio frequency signals...
        ...here listen..."

[...it's a brand new dance now...come on baby..do the locomotion...]

Jim: "..primitive indeed..."

Spock: "I bet she's got nice legs though.."

Jim: "Spock!..what's wrong with you...that was Scotty's line..."

Scotty: "Never mind that...look!"

[Scotty points frantically at an angry crowd approaching...led by a tall
 white bearded old man in a funny pointed hat]

Jim: "Right ..guards...blast them first..ask questions later.."

[The two red-jerseyed guards step forward, arm their phasers and take aim...]

Episode 4:
----------
[...we left our heroes at the end of episode three (which was actually episode
two of course) in a bit of a predicament.
 Advancing towards them was a very angry looking crowd of natives led by
 a tall old man with a white beard and a funny pointed hat.
 Captain Kirk gave the order to fire on the advancing crowd before it
was too late....]


Captain's log, Star date 4:59.42 (entry made by outdoor battery operated log)
--------------------------------
We are completely surrounded by a VERY angry crowd of natives...Two of our
guards have just been blasted by the old man with the beard who seemed to
get rather upset when they first hit him with a couple of volleys of phaser
fire. Luckily he seems to have calmed down somewhat, and is approaching me
now..probably to parley....hold on he's getting very close and is still walking
at quite a pace.....umph!...

Gandalf: "Oh eck...sorry....eyesight's not s'good as it used to be..."

Jim: (picking himself up off the ground and dusting off the...err..dust..(for
        want of a better word)) "That's alright"

Gandalf: "What were those red things, by the way?....were they annoying you
        too?...I thought i better get rid of them before they did any harm"

Jim: "Those red THINGS were members of my......err....actually no...
        I DON'T know what they were....It IS lucky you blasted them...they were
        about to attack us all I think"

Spock: (in a confidential whisper) "Well done Captain...your diplomatic skills
        might be the best way to get around these savages"

Jim: "Why thank you Spock...come to my cabin later on when we get back to the
        ship"

Gandalf: "Stop muttering Kirk....I'm very angry with you"

Jim (spluttering): "How do you know my name!??!?"

Gandalf: "Remember the old man you used to use as phaser target practice
        when you were at Federation cadet school?"

Jim: "Emmm..yes...that was YOU?"

Gandalf: "Nope...I was his walking stick. I went through a bit of a phase
        in my early years....just research really...into the day to day lives of
        inanimate objects....but that's all irrelevant now. WHAT do you mean by
        disrupting the lives of these little people!"

Jim: "I'm sorry about all this trouble we've caused, but we crash-landed
        I'm afraid. Our engines are completely useless until we can either
        repair or replace our burnt out dilithium crystals..."

Gandalf: "Bugger that!...we want you out of here by teatime or else we'll
        have to take severe action!"

Jim: (glancing nervously at the two dead guards) "emm...right we'll do our
        best.."

Spock: (pointing at a small bearded person pushing a wheelbarrow)
        "I think we may be in luck Captain"

Jim: "Who is he?"

Gandalf: "Damn dwarf of course.....They're building what they call the
         very latest in large scale construction projects...the Hobbiton
         Megadrome....It's basically an urban bypass, conference centre,
         shopping mall and ring-road all rolled into one.....Groan...what
         am I doing..standing here nattering to you lot...I'm off...and
         I expect you to be gone by teatime remember!"

Scotty: "Look Captain!..in the wheelbarrow...Dilithium crystals!"

Jim: "Right...we'll play this strictly by the book...Spock, remind me of
        Federation standard code on opening friendly talks with alien
        lifeforms"

Spock: "Subsection 5, paragraph 39a, clause 1: Hail the alien lifeforms
        in a friendly and diplomatic manner."

Jim: "Oi!.Shorty!..Get yer backside over here with that wheelbarrow!"

Dwarf: (drawing a rather lethal looking axe from his belt) "Kryvh ne grok!"

Spock: "I think we have a communication problem here Captain..."

Jim: "Rubbish!..he understood me perfectly! He's becoming tiresome anyway.
        Go and dispose of him with your Vulcan death grip and we can swipe
        the Dilithium."

Spock: "I see a subtle flaw in that plan Captain... I fear I would not
        get close enough to administer the grip without my arms falling
        victim to the thrusts of his mighty weapon"

Jim: "..I love it when you talk dirty.."

Scotty: "I have a better plan.....we could all pretend to run off in sheer
        terror....he chases us...leaves the wheelbarrow...and Spock slips back
        to grab the crystals..."

Jim: "I don't think any 'pretending' will be necessary...but anyway it's a
      brilliant plan! ....ok..on the count of 3...1.2.3...RUN for it!"


[**** 20 minutes later on board the Enterprise ****]

Spock: "The new crystals are installed and the warp engines are now fully
        operational, Captain."

Jim: "That's all very well, but we've got a mad axe-wielding maniac of
        diminutive stature loose on the ship somewhere! He's already minced a
        troop of guards on deck 3..."

Spock: "How did he get on board?"

Jim: "He chased us all the way!..we didn't have time to shut the door behind
        us!....We'll have to forget about him till later....We have more
        urgent matters to attend to...like getting off this planet....What
        time do you make it Mr.Sulu?"

Sulu: "230x9.5.400.45 Fed-secs, sir"

Jim: "Give me that in English, Sulu"

Sulu: "About teatime, sir"

Jim: "Hit the gas pedal Sulu!..NOW!!"

Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"

Spock: (Thinking quietly to himself): Hmmm, I'm sure there's something in
        the Federation Code of Practice about not using warp drive in
        populated areas.....ah, what the hell........
        Ho hum.....eh?...That's funny...I seem to remember Lt.Uhura being
        taller...and dear oh dear, that beard doesn't suit her at all....

Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling
episode....and remember...In Space..No One Can Hear You Being-Sliced-Neatly
In-Two-By-A-Slightly-Upset-Axe-Wielding-Dwarf.

Episode 5:
----------

Captain's Log Stardate 3.1415927
--------------------------------
We are cruising at warp factor 3 in a previously uncharted corner of the
galaxy and...

Spock: "Excuse me for interrupting Captain, but must you use such simplistic
and inaccurate language? The word "corner" just has no meaning in relation
to the concepts of space and time, indeed it is even theorised that the words
space and time themselves are ultimately just labels for indescribable
and poorly understood deeper concepts."

Jim: "....You do the damn log then smarty.."

[**** BUMP !!! ****]

Jim: "..What the..."

Sulu: "Captain!..We've stopped dead!"

Jim: "Not AGAIN!...what have you hit THIS time....Yawn...Bring up
the forward view on the screen."

Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"

Jim: "I don't believe it.....I just DON'T believe it..."

Spock: "...highly illogical.."

Sulu: "It would appear to be a large...wall..in fact..two large brick
walls...meeting at approximately 90 degrees to each other....."

Spock: "Groan..."

Jim: "Ok Spock, you're fired."

Spock: "But Captain!"

Jim: "No butts....you're off at the next Federation Starbase"

Spock: "Wait...this CAN'T be right...let me try something..."

[Fiddles with various scanner controls...]

Spock: "There! The scanners indicate the presence of 3 Klingon ships
        behind the walls...It's obviously just an image thrown up by
        their cloaking device."

Jim: "Klingons!..I might have known....but how can a holographic image
        from a cloaking device actually feel solid?...we did get quite a
        thump when we hit it after all..."

Spock: "Ah....good point"

[There is an explosion on the forward viewer and a gaping hole appears in
 one of the walls...through which 3 Klingon battlecruisers emerge...]

Spock: "Bang goes that theory..if you pardon the pun"

Jim: "This is getting silly....who's writing this week's episode?"

Sulu: "Scanners indicate that it's the same writer as for the other
        episodes"

Jim: "Ok...we'll trust that he can get us out of this convincingly...
        Anyway....Uhura...open all hailing frequencies and make contact
        with the Klingon vessels"

Uhura: "Aye aye sir..."

Jim: "...and one other thing Uhura....get that beard seen to"

Uhura: (Standing up suddenly brandishing a phaser) "Grrrrr! Ok I've had
        enough of you Kirk......All of you...over there..and get your hands up"


Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling
episode....

SPECIAL OFFER: Get your own Tricorder, just like Mr. Spock's, for only
                2 pounds 99p, from:

                Starship Enterprises,
                Mr.Spock's *Official* Tricorder Offer,
                PO Box 42,
                Pythagoras Street,
                Planet Vulcan.

Episode 6:
----------

Captain's Log Stardate 42.424242
--------------------------------
We are being held at gunpoint by an impostor who was posing as Uhura, and
to make matters worse, we are confronted by three Klingon battlecruisers..

Uhura: "Oi! what do you think you're doing! Get back over there and keep
        your hands up!"

Jim: "I was just doing my Captain's log"

Uhura: "I'll DO you if you don't watch it Kirk"

Spock: "Little man, if he DOESN'T do the log then Starfleet Command will send
        out a patrol ship to look for us. And then we'd be rescued, you'd be
        caught, hung, and then given a fair trial. You wouldn't want that
        would you?"

Uhura: "As long as you didn't put anything in the log that might arouse
        their suspicions..."

Jim: "Oh no no, nothing of the sort....Just the usual stuff about the
        engines, the crew, the ship in general really."

Uhura: "...Nothing about me?"

Jim: "Nope...it completely slipped my mind that you were here actually.."

Uhura: "Hmm..alright then...but check with me next time you want to do
        anything."

Jim: (whispering) "phew!...that was a close one Spock....how long till
        Starfleet get here with the heavy artillery?"

Spock: (whispering) "3.4212 hours approximately Captain"

Jim: "Damn...how can we hold out here for over 3 hours?...I feel like I need
        to go and powder my nose already..."

Checkov: "Here Captain, you can use mine" (producing a make-up set from his
        handbag)

Jim: "Groan...Checkov...you must learn not to translate everything literally
        into Russian...when I say I want to powder my nose I mean...oh
        forget it......."

Uhura: "Look you lot!..Stop muttering...just keep your hands up, and keep
        quiet!" (fiddling with a few switches on the communications panel)
        "Purple Hamster calling Klingon battlecruisers, come in please...
        Purple Hamster to Klingon battlecruisers..."

["This is Brown Envelope to Purple Hamster...we read you loud and clear.."]

Uhura: "I have the crew at gunpoint....please come aboard.."

Jim: "Why the dirty little!!....He's a Klingon agent..."

Uhura: "Very observant of you Kirk...."

Jim: "What are you after ...you..fiend!"

Uhura: "For many years the Klingons have been trying to capture a Federation
        Starship...and at last we have succeeded..."

Spock: "...The Federation's greatest technical secrets are incorporated
        into its starships.....they'll find out the secret of the warp drive
        system.......how our weapons work....how our transporters work..."

Uhura: "Bugger all that.....we want to find out how to make our doors
        go 'Sheesh'"

Jim: "How do you know OUR doors go ...'Sheesh'?"

Uhura: "It's no use pretending Kirk, we have evidence...It took us many years
        to find out, but our greatest scientists
        built a new sensor device that could be used to detect the door
        noises on nearby starships..."

Spock: (whispering to jim) "..very ingenious....but also extremely pointless..
        ...Typical of the Klingons really....they've a lot to learn...
        ..and it has a lot to do with why we got our own TV series and they
        didn't..."

Uhura: "Shut up.....and stand at attention...prepare to salute Commander
        F.J.Trouserpress of the Imperial Klingon battle legion..."


[Trumpet fanfare, as the main doors to the bridge open.....]

Episode 7:
----------

Captain's Log Stardate 42.5
---------------------------
..well...the entrance of Commander Trouserpress WOULD have been pretty
impressive had he not tripped on the steps and broken his neck. Some Klingon
guards have just arrived to stretcher him away, and it looks as if our
impostor Uhura has assumed control of the Klingon boarding party. They seem
to be taking apart the ship piece by piece in search of the door Sheeshing
mechanism, but hopefully we can stall them long enough to prevent them
finding it before the Federation rescue ship saves us.

Uhura: "Kirk? You doing that Captain's Sod thing?"

Jim: "It's a LOG ....and YES I am doing it!"

Uhura: "Good...but remember..no funny business...and no mention of anything
        out of the ordinary"

Jim: "Yes yes....don't worry.."

Uhura: "By the way, Kirk, if you don't tell us where the door sheeshing
        mechanism is hidden we'll start systematically beaming members of
        your crew into deep space."

Jim: "You fiend....you'll never get away with this!...and a triple fanged
        swamp Norgoid from the planet Barf couldn't drag the information
        out of me..."

Uhura: "..sorry...did I not mention that you'd be the first to be beamed?"

Jim: "..Ah....It's under the cistern in the toilet complex on deck 3b"

Uhura: "I knew you'd come round to my way of thinking Kirk.....Guards!..watch
        them carefully til I get back."

[The Uhura impostor leaves the bridge, leaving two Klingon guards to keep
 an eye on the Enterprise crew members]

Jim: "That should give us some breathing space....let's see now..236 cubicles..
        at 1 cistern per cubicle...that's 235 cisterns...and at say 1 minute
        to search each one...that makes..."

Spock: "Excuse me Captain...shouldn't that be 236 cisterns?"

Jim: "Should it?"

Spock: "Well usually it has been my experience that 236x1 is 236, thus since
        there are 236 cubicles, with 1 cistern per cubicle, that must mean
        there are 236 cisterns"

Jim: "Are you sure you can do it that way?...I remember actually counting
        all the cisterns one day, just in case it might come in useful, and
        I'm pretty sure there were 235.....though I suppose I could have
        miscounted......"

Spock: "....yes well let's just say that if Uhura searched every one it would
        take something approaching 4 hours...but you really have to take into
        account that on average he really only needs to search half of them..
        indeed..we might be unlucky and he might find it straight away..."

Jim: "Basically you're saying we have a completely indeterminate amount of
        breathing space.....ok let's make the best of it...Spock, remind me
        of Federation Standard Code on Dealing With Klingon Boarding Parties"

Spock: "Look it up yourself...there's the manual.."

Jim: "Spock!.That's an order!"

Spock: "Listen...I'm not here to act as a walking library for you, just
        because you're too lazy to pick up a book and read it for yourself..
        The Vulcan mind is for higher things...I didn't want to be a ship's
        Science Officer anyway....I wanted to be a lumberjack...striding
        through the forests of British Columbia...the maple, the larch..
        the mighty Scots Pine!...."

Jim: "Hold him down!...he's taken one of his funny turns...."

[They all leap on top of Spock and pin him to the floor....]

Spock: [muffled under a pile of bodies] "...I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK..."

Bones: "Keep him still while I administer the injection!"

Spock: "....I wish I'd been a girlie..just like my dear papa......."

Bones: "He should be out cold for about ten minutes, but hopefully when he
        wakes up he'll be back to normal..."

Scotty: "By the way, Dr.McCoy, where did you appear from?"

Bones: "I've been here all the time...I just haven't had any lines for
        quite a while."

Scotty: "Me neither...do you think they're trying to write us out of the
        series?"

Jim: "Quiet you two...the Klingon guards are watching us suspiciously.."

Scotty: "Maybe if we created a commotion over here as if one of us was
        going seriously mad, they'd come over and we'd jump up and disarm
        them..."

Jim: "Damn...damn damn damn...."

Bones: "What is it?"

Jim: "We did that bit all wrong....Scotty should have said his last line BEFORE
        Spock went cuckoo"

Bones: "We'll have to think of something else then....emmm...."

Checkov: "I have an idea Captain"

Jim: "Oh shut up Checkov, can't you see we're trying to think!"

Checkov: "But it might just work"

Jim: "Checkov, be QUIET!.....Now Bones, how about if we all started singing
        and dancing? They'd come over to see what we were doing, then we'd
        jump on them."

Bones: "They weren't very interested in the commotion Spock caused...so I
        reckon they've been warned about any such tricks we might play..."

Jim: "Oh alright Checkov....out with it!"

Checkov: "This is a bit of a long shot Captain, but why don't we just blast
        them with our phasers?"

Jim: [Sarcastically] "VERY clever Checkov....and I suppose if YOU boarded an
        enemy ship and took its crew prisoner, you'd let them keep their
        weapons?"

Checkov: "....THEY did...."

Jim: "Don't be stu...uh!......I DON'T believe it!"

Checkov: "Can I fire first then?"

Jim: "No, I'll shoot first.....ready?...set phasers to kill.....fire!!"

[The two Klingon guards are instantly vapourised...along with a good deal of
 very essential, and very expensive communications and sensor equipment
 in the panels behind them...(This has no significance to any future turn in
 the story..I just thought I'd mention it to show you that we're not skimping
 on the special effects)]

Jim: "Right!...to the turbolift!"

[They all leap across the floor and make for the double doors at the back of
 the bridge..]

[Sheesh...]

[aaaaaaaaaaargh!!]

Find out next week what they found in the turbolift....was it Spock's
used underwear? Was it Scotty's pet haggis? ....Can you stand the suspense?
Can I think up something convincing?....Will Bones and Scotty get more lines
to say?......Just tune in next week and all will be answered....

Episode 8:
----------

[Sheesh..]
[Aaaaaaaargh!]
....forgetting that the turbolift would not actually BE there at bridge
level, they all charge through the door and fall down the lift shaft...
....luckily only about 16 feet down, they meet the lift coming up,
and land with a resounding OOOOOMPH! on something soft...

Jim: "What the..."

Scotty: "...where did all these jerseys come from??!!?"

Jim: "...your guess is as good as mine Scotty......wait a minute..they're all
        yellow or blue....this is VERY suspicious.."

Bones: "ah!....so it's true...."

Jim: "What is?"

Bones: "I've been hearing rumours that there's an illegal black market on the
        lower decks, dealing in non-red jerseys......but up till now I hadn't
        given it much credence."

Checkov: "That's a big word Dr.McCoy.."

Jim: "Shut up Checkov... I bet those two new Italian crew members, Nickedyatelli
        and Videonasti have got something to do with it......Damn suspicious
        pair of characters they are....hanging around the rec. rooms with their
        dark glasses and their violin cases."

Bones: "..yes but I wonder where they got all these jerseys from..."

Jim: [Holding one up for close examination] "ha!...by the look of them,
        they've knitted them themselves........How on earth they expect ANYONE
        to think they'll pass as real jerseys I don't know.."

Scotty: "Cough..."

Jim: "What's the matter Scotty?..."

Scotty: "uh...oh..nothing cap'n..." [fiddling frantically with some loose ends
        of wool from his own jersey....which interestingly is yellow today
        rather than his usual red.]

Bones: "Sssh!...listen...Uhura has returned to the bridge..."

[There is some cursing and swearing from below.....followed by an "aha!",
 followed by the sound of an unconscious Vulcan being kicked by someone
 posing as a starship's communications officer in a red dress with a very short
 skirt.]

Spock: "...oooooooer....what the...uuugh...get your hands off me you evil little
        man!"

Uhura: "Where are your comrades, fool??!"

Spock: "Comrades?...ah so that's it..you're some kind of pinko commie marxist
        aren't you?"

Uhura: "What!?"

Spock: "It won't work you know...it all depends on properly integrating the
        original class ridden social structure into a single party state where
        absolute individual equality is the ideal. However, in order for this
        to have some degree of control, someone has to be a leader, thus
        immediately destroying the original founding principle of equality.
        Mind you, past cases show categorically that this form of government
        wins you more medals at the Olympic games."

Uhura: [Waving his phaser menacingly] "Look...I've had just about enough of you
        ...anyway I've found what I was looking for...."

Spock: "...what? the door sound mechanism?"

Uhura: "..Yes...though I must admit I'd have thought the Federation's
        technology was a BIT more advanced than an old battery operated tape
        recorder stuffed under a lavatory cistern...."

Spock: "Yes well, admittedly it's a bit 'low-tech' but we like it"

Uhura: "Well I can't stand around all day wasting my time with you...I'm off"

Spock: "You mean you're leaving?..."

Uhura: "...that's USUALLY what one means when one says 'I'm off'...rather than
        'I'm decomposing and smelling quite badly'...obviously from the context
        you can tell I didn't mean the latter."

Spock: "..Oh I dunno..."

Uhura: "....Just for that I'm going to make sure this ship and all crew on it
        are blown to smithereens as soon as I beam back on to the Klingon
        flagship."

Jim: "Hold it right there..." [Throwing a spare phaser across to Spock]

Spock: "Well done Captain.."

Jim: "Now drop your weapon Uhura.....and CAREFULLY put the tape recorder on the
        floor...then raise your hands above your head"

Uhura: "grrr.."

Checkov: "It's just like in the movies.."

[Suddenly three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the
 bridge...]

1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the
        Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of
        Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Universe."

Jim: "...emm..shouldn't that be 'Nobles'?"

1st Being: "..well..no actually..'Nobless'...it's a bit embarrassing really"

Jim: "Look..we're a bit busy at the moment..." [consulting a small black book]
        "...could you come back in the next episode?"

1st Being: "2 o'clock, next Wednesday?"

Jim: "Yes...we should be able to fit you in about then...I'll make a note of
        that...see you then"

[The three globular beings vanish as interestingly as they arrived..]

Jim: "Right where were we?"

Checkov: "We were about to lock up this impostor in the brig until we get
        to a starbase where he'll be tried for spying, hijacking, and
        treason."

[There is a flash...and a puff of thick smoke...When the smoke clears, a small
        pile of ash lies on the floor where Uhura once stood]

Jim: [re-holstering his phaser] "..Honestly...I just CAN'T be bothered with
        damn formalities.."


Will Spock be awarded an honorary degree in Politics and Social Studies?
Will Nickedyatelli and Videonasti get their knitting patterns sorted out?
Will Jim get a chance to do his log?

*******************************************************************************

                       VAX-Trek II-The Search For Spock
                       ================================
                   (Ed. May I suggest SEARCH *.* Spock ???)

These are the voyages of the  VAXship Enter-Key...It's 10 CPU minute  mission-
To seek out and destroy new files and new subdirectories...to boldly go  where
no diskhead has gone before...

Captain's log: CPU Time 00:09:50:45
-----------------------------------
After a  surprise attack  from a  Plingon Installed  Image, the  Enter-Key  is
drifting damaged and powerless in virtual  address space. A direct hit on  the
main kernel  mode  drive unit  has  corrupted the  stack  pointer...and  until
Scottie can find a way of fixing it we are a sitting duck for further  Plingon
attack. To  make matters  worse, our  allotted CPU  time will  run out  in  10
seconds.... so time is of the essence.

Captain's log: CPU Time 00:09:55:34
-----------------------------------
Our hopes were raised when Scottie discovered $ADJSTK in the system  servicing
manual. Theoretically it SHOULD have let  him re-adjust the stack pointer  and
re-activate  the  kernel  mode   drive....but  all  it   did  was  link   in a
joystick/games paddle driver to the IO  ports. After this set-back Scottie  is
pursuing  other  avenues   of  investigation.......again...time   is  of   the
essence...


Scottie:"Mr. Scott to bridge...Mr. Scott to bridge..."

Jim:"Yes Scottie..what is it?...by the way..all that 'Mr. Scott to bridge'
     nonsense isn't necessary when you're standing next to me!"

Scottie: "Emm..Sorry Cap'n...I've had a thought Cap'n....If only we were
          aboard a detached-process vessel..we would  at least have more  time
          to sort out this problem..."

Jim: "But we ARE Scottie....However..Direct orders from Starfleet Command  have
      limited even detached-process vessels to the 10 CPU minute limit"

Scottie:"Damn....never mind...I think I may have a solution...if I can somehow
         re-route the primary output from the di-lithium diskpacks through the
         DEBUG utility then I think it might just generate enough power to get
         us out of this situation.."

Jim: "Get to work on it right away Scottie!"

Scottie: "Aye Aye Cap'n......emm..but there is ONE small problem...We'll need
          to jettison excess weight in order to make it....I calculate that if
          we jettison the 11/44, and 300 crew members we might just make it."

Jim: "Mmm...ok Scottie...Jettison all the ones that wear red  jerseys...except
     of course you and Lt. Uhura.."

Scottie: "Aye Aye Cap'n"


Captain's log: CPU time 00:09:59:55
-----------------------------------
CPU Time is  rapidly running  out...Mr Scott  is close  to a  solution to  the
problem but it may be too late. I have given orders to Uhura to open a  DECnet
link to Starfleet Command informing them of our situation.


Scottie: "Mr. Scott to bridge...I've done it Cap'n!"

Jim: "Well done Scottie!!..."

Scottie: "I've re-activated the kernel mode drive...the di-lithium diskpacks
          are over-heating a bit but she  should give us at least half  normal
          power...enough to make it to the nearest Starbase..."

Jim: "You're a genius Scottie...."

Scottie: "Thank you Cap'n....Mr. Scott out."

Jim: "Helmsman...Take us home...Page fault factor 3"

Sulu: "Aye Aye Cap'n"

Jim: "By the way...does anyone know where Spock is?"

Sulu: "We were supposed to be searching for him weren't we?"

Jim: "Woops...So we were!...Never mind, we'll do that in the next episode"

*******************************************************************************

In the beginning there was a void.....a dark, absolute void...a place of
utter emptiness....
..and it was pretty quiet as well....
THEN...suddenly ....out of the blue came a voice....

Space.....The final frontier...These are the voyages of the Starship
Enterprise....It's five year mission, to seek out new life and new
civilisation....to boldly go where no man has gone before...

then something indeterminate flashed past at huge speed...yes..it was
vax trek part 15....

    ___-___  o==o=======  . . . . .             "Shuttle craft to
 =========== ||//                           Enterprise:..WAIT!!"
         \ \_|//__                         <=
         #_______/

        "Sulu, it's those 142 red jerseyed guards..
         Give us warp factor 6...NOW!"


                Star Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
                ----------------------------------------------

Episode 7
---------

[The two guards push Scotty and Sulu into the detention cell]

1st Guard: "Now you two behave yourself"

2nd Guard: "Yeah...no funny business"

[They switch on the invisible force barrier and walk off down the
corridor]

Scotty: "WHAT are we going to do now?!!"

Sulu: "I dunno...we've got big probs....If we don't get out of here
soon then we'll have no chance of stopping it all happening
again....and I don't fancy another trip through that black hole."

Spock: [who has just appeared in the corridor] "Your worries are over
gentlemen"

Scotty: "Spock!..how did you get off the bridge?"

Spock: "I was inside the computer cabinet remember?..Well I heard all
the commotion on the bridge...so I crawled through one of the
ventilation ducts...which came out just along the corridor there....
Incidentally, that duct is alive with tribbles...I thought we had
eradicated them?"

Scotty: "Aye....I thought I had beamed the whole kit and kaboodle over
on to that Klingon starship.....but obviously some must have got
away.........Anyway...can you get us out of here?"

Spock: "Well it's a bit tricky...the force field will only come down
if I enter the correct combination on the keypad.....Alternatively I
could take a more brute force approach..." [producing a soldering
iron, he proceeds to remove the force field control panel and re-wire
its innards in a reasonably destructive manner..]

Sulu: "Hurry Mr.Spock...I don't think we have much time..."

Spock: "Almost there.......almost there...just one more b"
[At that moment Spock suddenly dematerialises, with a bemused look on
his face]

Sulu: "Damn!....we're going to be too late!.....and the force field is
still up..."

[Scotty charges at the force barrier.....and BOINNNNNGGGG!..bounces
off and hits the far wall of the cell...]

Scotty: [Looking a bit dazed] "....it's no use...well never get ou..."

[At that moment there is a huge explosion from the force field control
panel which showers bits of invisible force barrier all over the cell
and adjoining corridor...]

Sulu: [spitting out fragments of force field] "wow!...I've never seen
an invisible force barrier explode like THAT!...."

Scotty: "Pretty impressive I must say....and eminently conceptual.."

Sulu: "Anyway..let's go!....I want to stop off at my cabin round the
corner first though..."

Scotty: "Eh? .."

[Sulu dashes into his cabin and emerges holding a bottle of vegetable
oil and a fencing sword...]

Scotty: "Ah!...I see...."

[As they charge down the corridor Sulu discards his jersey and empties
the contents of the bottle over himself......Two guards coming round
the corner are so startled that the starfleet insignia drop off their
jerseys in sheer surprise....and by mere reflex action their phasers
are flicked to 'kill' and two lethal bolts are unleashed after the
rapidly departing Sulu and Scotty...]

Scotty: "..In the name o' the wee man!...that was CLOSE!"

Sulu: "Too right!...keep running!"

Scotty: "Wait a minute..!!...we passed that same corridor just a
minute ago!..We must be going round in circles..."

Sulu: "...Don't worry....I think it has something to do with the
budget for the film set..."

Scotty: "Ah!..ok..."

Sulu: "There's the turbolift door up ahead!.."

[They jump into the lift...]

Scotty: "Bridge"

Lift: "Bridge what?"

Scotty: "Please!"

Lift: "That's better....Now a few manners don't hurt do they?"

Scotty: "Grrr...I wish these lifts came under my jurisdiction in the
Engineering section...I'd soon FIX them..."

Lift: "I heard that..."

Sulu: "Are we at the Bridge level yet?"

Lift: "Yes...You can get off now...and good riddance.."

[The turbolift doors open and Scotty and Sulu step on to the Bridge]

"SURPRISE!!!!!!": shouts everyone on the Bridge.

Jim: [..wearing a party hat, steps forward and hands a present to Sulu
and Scotty..] "Happy birthday!.."

Scotty: "Why, you rotten..." [the grim look on his face slowly turning into
a smile..]

Jim: "Sorry about all the hassle we put you both through...but the only
way we could keep you off the bridge while we prepared everything was to
lock you up..."

Sulu: "What about those aliens?...and how did you know Scotty and I had the
same birthday?"

Jim: "questions questions!!....come and enjoy the party...it IS for you
after all....here, have a sausage roll....but PLEASE..put that sword away
first!"

[They all laugh jovially....and the party goes on into the night...which is
a bit of a strange thing to say considering the ship is in deep space where
day and night have no meaning...but I think you know what I mean..]

                   *****A NEW ADVENTURE STARTS SOON!!! *****

What were Scotty and Sulu's presents? What happened to the strange
globular aliens?...How did Jim know that Scotty and Sulu had the same
birthday?..DO they actually have the same birthday?..or was it just a
cheap attempt at a coherent ending to a floundering episode?

All these questions...and many more.. won't be answered in the next thrilling
installment....



***************************

here you are then if it'll keep you happy!


===========================================================================
   ___                :  Fred The Pious (Cleric )
 //  /\       ___     :  dsm89@uk.ac.soton.ecs
/    | |     //  \    :
\_\  \/     //-\  |   :  'Life - Who needs it '
  /__ \    //   \ |   :  
 {   )  \ //     \|   : DISCLAMER : Ignore anything that I say -
 {    \  //           :             I'm Completely mad (ho hum).
The Grim Reaper Cometh:
===========================================================================