X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.humor.funny: 3003 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.1B7+SPC1,2 05/22/93 VAX/VMS V5.5-2; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb!uunet!news2.uunet.ca!xenitec!looking!funny-request Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: 50 Ways to Kill an Ensign Message-ID: From: polowin@chem.queensu.ca (Joel Polowin) Date: Sat, 10 Jul 93 4:30:02 EDT Keywords: chuckle, original, parody Approved: funny@clarinet.com Lines: 46 Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign (Lyrics: Joel Polowin. Music: Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover") The problem is something 'bout your clothes, she said to me The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, "I'm Security!" And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you'll get to see There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign He takes a landing party down to find what's going on A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along And then before you know it - the `expendables' are gone There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign Fifty ways to kill an ensign Just step on a rock, Jock Get thorns from some plants, Lance A Horta can spray, Ray Just listen to me Clouds drink up your blood, Bud Computers can kill, Bill You could lose all your salt, Walt Kirk gets away free... She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves Not ev'ryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse But then of course, you must recall - they sometimes suffer WORSE There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign Just tell him, "I'm not stupid and I'm not expendable I'm not going!" Tell him that he's a Denebian slime devil And he's overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial He'll find a new way to kill an ensign Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign ---------- Permission granted to use or distribute this text for any non-commercial purpose, so long as its content is not altered and this note is appended. I'd appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it is printed: Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St. / Kingston, Ontario / CANADA K7L 4A9 . E-mail: polowin@silicon.chem.queensu.ca, polowin@chem.queensu.ca, polowinj@qucdn.queensu.ca, Joel.Polowin@p4.f107.n249.z1.fidonet.org -- Selected by Maddi Hausmann. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com. Sponsored by ClariNet Communications Corp. If you post instead of mailing, it screws up the reply-address sometimes. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.