From: IN%"JOE@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU" 2-DEC-1991 15:28:52.33 To: IN%"terry@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU" CC: Subj: New Cookies Received: from SPCVXA.SPC.EDU by SPCVXA.SPC.EDU (PMDF #12025) id <01GDN51U2EN4934S93@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU>; Mon, 2 Dec 1991 15:28 EDT Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1991 15:28 EDT From: JOE@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU Subject: New Cookies To: terry@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU Message-id: <01GDN51U2EN4934S93@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU> X-Organization: St. Peter's College, US X-VMS-To: IN%"terry" X-News: spcvxb alt.startrek.creative:1377 From: sfnet@oliveb.atc.olivetti.com (Steven Ellis) Subject:Parody: Star Trek THE NEW GENERATION (repost and corrections) Date: 2 Dec 91 15:36:47 GMT Message-ID:<76310@oliveb.atc.olivetti.com> Appologies for the repost, but I discoverd that several of the best episodes were missing. Plus Jon has been hard at play producing more. Thus Season 3 onwards will appear in a future post. Enjoy... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A friend of mine has written several seasons of Next Gen synopses under the premise that former Doctor producer John Nathan-Turner was producing them. (Hence any JNT references). I thought many of the people on USENET would enjoy reading this though many of the tales relate to recent events at York University where he studies history, (such finiding a working phone, the University's excuse for a library, and trying to open a tinned Steak and Kidney pie). I am afraid I cannot vouch for his present state of mental health (I'd guess his History is getting him down a little), but I certainly have had problems staying on my chair whilst reading the below. If you want any more e-mail me (see below) or Jon. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Jonathan Burt University of York (UK) Internet - JEB2@vaxa.york.ac.uk Janet - JEB2@uk.ac.york.vaxa The article below can be transmitted by any electronic means, and you may hold one personal electronic and printed copy. You also may make fun, flame, have raucous laughter, comment about, not understand, or just be plain bitchy about the whole thing. I don't care, I only did it for my friends, even if they didn't like it I enjoyed making it all up. Anything better than doing my History Degree. (Well almost anything). (c) November 1991 J.Burt "STAR TREK - THE NEW GENERATION" - Trekking as it has never been known before. The cast of "Next Gen" have been persuaded to take up their roles once more for an extraordinary new series based upon the old, but taking the concept much further. A new team of producers and writters has been employed to bring to your screens a fantastic run of classic "Trek" episodes, the like of which you will never have seen before ... Origonal Ideas (well almost origonal) Jonathan Burt "Dworf", Peter Richards co-writer providing the origonal inspiration. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Season One of 'Star Trek - The New Generation' 1:01 DEAD AGAIN AGAIN - Keleyr returns through the body of the mysterious Dr Selar, much to the delight of Worf. 1:02 SOMEONE ELSE'S BABY - Beverly realizes she is pregnant - and by Will Riker, at the time when Odan was occupying his body in 'The Host'. Much moral and emotional complications ensue. 1:03 AMNESIACS - The entire Enterprise crew lose their memories due to a space phenomenon. Only Guinan is unaffected. Can she prevent the nearby Romulan vessel from opening fire? 1:04 A VERY QUEER CASE - Q has a laugh by inverting all the crews' sexual tendencies - will the romance between Picard and Riker blossom, or that between Troi and Guinan? And can Data, who is not affected, persuade Q to return things to normal? 1:05 TRANSMOGRIFICATION - To Worf's delight, Dr Selar's body, in which the mind of Keleyr now resides, starts to change to resemble the late Klingon ambassador. 1:06 THE DIET - Riker is now so fat that the turbo lift refuses carry him. With Troi's help the first officer goes on a diet. 1:07 CHIEF ENGINEER'S LOG - A day in the life of Geordi. However, today, things are not so mundane, as he spends it in bed with his bird, Christine. 1:08 THE BATTLE (PART II) - A remarkable follow up to the first season tale "The Battle". The Ferengi, led by the escaped villain Amster, return to wage war on the Enterprise, whom they blame for the destruction of their planet, Ferengus 1:09 THE BOUGH IS NOW THOROUGHLY BROKEN - A one-off with Wesley returning to negociate with exciting race from 'When the Bough Breaks'. He must supply them with genetic material for reproduction before their ozone layer decays completely. 1:10 MIND TORTURE - Picard suffers a post traumatic break down as a result of seeing a photo of the Borg. Troi's efforts to counsel him go wrong and the Captain must face the evil inside. 1:11 BACK UP YOUR FILES - The Enterprise is crippled when the computer goes mad and assumes a male voice and wants endless sex with Riker. Fortunately Data can tap into the files to retrieve the emergency back up system. 1:12 THE IVORY TOWER - Lt Barclay and Riker indulge in a holodeck fantasy whereby Riker is the handsome prince and his dream girl the helpless princess stuck in a tower from whence the prince must rescue her. However obstacles such as the photon torpedo firing giant stand in the way. 1:13 I, WORF - A further power struggle on Klingon Homeworld forces Worf to return home, where he stands to be leader. A lot of back stabbing ensues, and Worf is beamed up tragically ill. Can Dr Crusher, still reeling from having Riker's baby, save him? 1:14 REJUVENATION (PART I) - Data and Picard take Mr Spock's evil twin, Mr Spick, to visit his brother on Romulus. While the brothers talk about their father, Sarek who is once more gripping Picard's mind, the two Starfleet officers decide to look up their old enemy Sela. Finding her address from the Romulan telephone directory, they arrive at the house, only to find an eldery Tasha Yar - Sela had lied in "Redemption part II" and in fact her mother still lives on Romulus! 1:15 REJUVENATION (PART II) - Data, since he cannot age himself, adjusts quickly to Tasha being so old and immediately attempts to profess and make love to her. Unfortunately Tasha has long since passed the menopause and is old that she isn't interested in Data's intruging appendages. Sela arrives with a bunch of guards and the trio are beamed to the Enterprise by Riker (The Enterprise has borrowed a Klingon cloaking device for the mission). In revenge, Sela kills Mr Spick and puts Mr Spock in gaol (thus leaving things open for a sequel). 1:16 REJUVENATION (PART III) - Tasha is so ancient that she needs a wheelchair to sit at tactical - Worf is not pleased at being demoted. Tasha continues to be confused about Data's amorous advances, but Guinan sorts things out by explaining to Data that this Tasha never experienced the events of "The Naked Now". Data is so concerned that he perfects a device which turns back the years - Riker loses his pot belly, Picard gets back his hair and Tasha becomes young once more. She is so grateful that she sleeps with Mr Data to express her thanks. Data, in this classic episode, is thus confused by human emotions once more. 1:17 LIBIDO - At first, all is happy on board the Enterprise. Then Picard realizes he is losing hair from other parts of his body, and Riker, who has been spending a break with Deanna, realizes that he is losing something even more important. The consequences are so drastic that even Troi is stunned into silence, Guinan can't stop laughing, and Riker must turn to the only sober member of the crew on the matter Data, who offers to lend him his on special occasions. What can be the explanation for these mysteries? 1:18 THE BEST OF BOTH MR HOM'S (Written by Edward J Lord): It is time for the annual visit of Lwaxana Troi to the Enterprise. However, shortly after beam up, another Mr Hom appears and strikes down O'Brien. Disruptions continue on the Enterprise, until Geordi and Worf track down the offending Hom. (JNT: It was about time the series focussed on this great and underused character, who is seen to have much more depth than previously supposed in his touching scene with his alter ego, who is known in the episode as Mr Hum) 1:19 ENSIGN RO HO - Christmas time on board the Enterprise. Ensign Ro dresses up as Santa Claus and goes ho-ho when the crew reveal some interesting secrets and hang-ups through their requests for Santa to fill their stockings. 1:20 THE BINDING - Worf presides at a touching ceremony in which Data implants the necessary bits and pieces to Riker and Picard which had been lost in 'Libido' 1:21 DRUNK TO EXCESS - The Romulans are so annoyed with Mr Spock's constant interjections about logic that they return him to the Enterprise. Picard invites them over for a peace making party and they party to excess with wine Picard's brother has sent him. Meanwhile, Data and Tasha and Riker with Troi journey for romance into the holodeck. 1:22 A ROMULAN TALE - After they've all recovered from the party (see: "Drunk to Excess", Tasha, now returned from her romantic trip with Data on the holodeck, tells both the crew and their Romulan guests about the awful fate of the Enterprise C and her subsquent battle for survival on Romulus. 1:23 HAVE CONDOMS, WILL SELL - The Enterprise condom machine runs out. In a desperate situation, Picard hails a passing Ferengi ship. It transpires that they, indeed, have a few gross of the required item. Due to frantic demand, Picard is forced to negiotate a job lot. Unfortunately much frustration ensues when it becomes known that Ferengi condoms were made for Ferengis and not for humans. 1:24 THE FOOL - Riker takes command as Picard is recalled to Earth to account for being ripped off by the Ferengi. Due to his good relationship with Commander Padlock, in charge of a nearby Romulan vessel, Riker gets a few boxes of Romulan condoms in exchange for some more wine. Unfortunately he is far too late ... 1:25 POPULATION EXPLOSION - Because of some unusual properties inherent in Ferengi condoms, all the women on the Enterprise give spontaneous birth to bouncing baby boys. Can Riker cope? Dr Crusher's earlier experiences ("Someone Else's Baby) help her manage and she assists Troi, now the mother of Riker's first son. Worf and Selar are delighted; so is Geordi, although Christine is not too pleased. Only Data and Tasha feel left out, and so Data begins some interesting experiments to correct a fault in his fluid mechanisms. 1:26 HALLEUJAH, JESUS! (PART I) - The Enterprise, now under the command of Captain Riker, takes back on board the disgraced Ensign Picard and warps off to the centre of the Universe to interview God (see "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier"). Mr Spock comes on board to help out. Unfortunately when they get there they find that the Holy Trinity are having a clamp down on sexual immora- lity and are not best pleased with the Ferengi Condom Scandal. They threaten to bring a punishment the Enterprise will not enjoy ... Season Two of 'Star Trek - The New Generation' 2:01 HALLEUJAH, JESUS! (PART II) - Picard wins his way back into favour by saving the Enterprise. He lectures God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit on the values of logic and the illogic nature of destroying the Enterprise. This speech, much assisted by Mr Spock, last 40 minutes and bores God into letting them all go. 2:02 DAY OF THE FERIFFIDS - The Ferengi have grown a space spore which is fatal to humans. Can Riker phaser the lethal plants out of the space lanes before it is too late? 2:03 THE BOOKCASE - Riker reorganizes the Enterprise's chaotic library. 2:04 NO-HOPER - Inexplicably Wesley has failed all his academy exams and has taken to drugs to compensate for his feelings of inadequacy - especially after his girlfriend has made some choice comments. Riker, with Lt Comm Picard at his side, warps right back to Earth to investigate and uncovers a snide plot aimed at deflating Wesley's ego. 2:05 ADMIRAL ON THE BRIDGE - The Enterprise receives a state visit from an old friend - no less than Admiral James T. Kirk! Despite the fact that he is 135 years old, Jim Kirk still finds the energy to pinch Troi's bum, fondle "Bones" Crusher, have passionate sex with Tasha and fight Data in a lover's feud. Real trouble, though, begins when the Admiral overrules Captain Riker when Romulan Commander Padlock's ship drops by to take on emergency rum rations. Can Riker prevent Kirk from saying those dreaded words - "Fire all phasers"? 2:06 PLAGUE SHIP OF MONTANA - Doctors Selar and Crusher must learn a thing or two about quarantine procedures when the Enterprise inadvertently crashes into a Montanan Plague Ship, upon which all hands are dead. The infection spreads all round the Enterprise, and the survival of a thousand rests on Keleyr, whose knowledge Dr Selar can tap into. An antidote is found, but too late to save 106 crew - including Lt Commander O'Brien. 2:07 FUNERALS - Captain Riker promotes Picard to full Commander to help with the funeral arrangements. Unfortunately the torpedo bays cannot cope with so many coffins needing to be fired out into space and break down. Much chaos ensues as Geordi attempts to repair the systems. Not the best of times for the Cardassians to attack in part of their plan to take over the Universe. 2:08 CIRCUMSION - In a touching Klingon ceremony, Worf must circumsize his son Alexander with the fearsome weapon he used to kill Duras in 'Reunion'. The boy's mother, Dr Selar/Keleyr, being a Vulcan, half human and half Klingon, is not so keen on the idea, pointing out the drastic consequences if Worf should slip. 2:09 CHILDREN - A quiet episode consolidating the new family aspects on board the Enterprise and to allow the crew to recover from recent hectic events. Worf suggests they all go to Disneyland, a place he liked as a boy. So off they warp. Beaming down with the surviving offspring (most were killed by the plague) Captain Riker determines to have a nice time. He meets Mickey Mouse, Troi dances with Donald Duck, Wesley falls in a pond, and Picard strikes a bizzare relationship with Pluto the Dog. Meanwhile on the Enterprise, Tasha is sulking after the latest failure with Mr Data. 2:10 THE SKULL - Warping through space at half impulse, the Enterprise meets a terrifying new race, driving a ship shaped like a skull. It locks on tractor beams, but Riker, by rotating shield frequencies and ordering all engines to reverse, manages to fly his ship away. However, as Guinan warns, the Skulls will probably not stop there. They know where they are, and they will be coming ... 2:11 OLD BOOT - Riker discovers one of his old boots is missing. Worf must lead a full security investigation, but cannot find the missing articles. In the mean time a strange howling noise is heard along the Enterprise's corridor. Despite intense inquiries, Riker and Picard cannot ascertain what is going on. This episode leads into the next classic ... 2:12 HOUND OF THE RIKERS - Data, fascinated by Sherlock Holmes, finally leaves Tasha alone long enough to compare the features of 'Old Boot' to the detective's greatest case. Donning deerstalker and pipe, Data with Commander Picard as Dixon Hill sets out to solve the mystery. They are only just in time to save Captain Riker from a savage attack by a hologrammatic dog, controlled by an ancient Sulu who had stowawayed on the ship to extract revenge for getting so old. All is solved, and Sulu is made young again by being put into Mister Data's rejuvenation machine (see 'The Rejuvenation part III') 2:13 DISMEMBERMENT - Dr Maddox ('Measure of a Man') finally persuades Data to let him take him apart in the hope of reanimating his daughter Lal ('The Offspring'). Despite tearful protests from Data's girlfriend, Tasha Yar, the operation goes ahead and succeeds in reactivating Lal. There are many touching scenes as Lal greets her friends amongst the crew - but her father still lies in pieces in the operating theatre. 2:14 DATA THE RIPPER - Dr Maddox reassembles Data, but omits to say he made a bit of bodge up of the job. When Data arrives on the Enterprise, his return coincides with the start of a series of grisly murders. Who can the psychotic murderer be, and why has Data developed a twitch? 2:15 LAL, LAL BABY - All is sorted out when Lal realises that the murderer is not Data but his brother Lor, who has mysteriously invaded the Enterprise. Lor is restrained by Worf and handed over to Dr Maddox for punishment for his horrendous crimes. 2:16 AND FOR STARTERS - Captain Riker is cooking for himself again - but a Fray Bentos can of steak and kidney pie defeats his can opener, and it looks as though starvation is on the menu. 2:17 GEORDIS - The holodeck goes wonky and starts churning out thousands of Geordis. The crew is threatened when the Geordis start to breathe too much oxygen. Captain Riker is faced by a dilemma - do the Geordis constitute a new species, and can he phaser them all without getting the real Geordi? (JNT (Producer of 'Star Trek - the New Generation'): "This is a fantastic episode for Levar Burton, who plays literally thousands of roles here. Geordi had been very underused earlier in the season, and we hope this will make for it) 2:18 ORANGEJUICE - Now it is the turn of the food dispensers to go wrong. The Enterprise is flooded by Orangejuice and the crew are in danger of drowning if Captain Riker cannot drink enough of it in time. 2:19 DWORF - Mysterious machine failures continue. In a transporter cock-up Worf and an away team return to the Enterprise only half size and Dr Crusher is unable to stop them shrinking steadily, while Selar/Keleyr is too upset to be of assistance. Meanwhile the Geordis who have put the rest of Engineering out of a job investigate the breakdowns. 2:20 HIV POSITIVE - A war with the Romulans is narrowly avoided as Captain Riker uses his mediatory skills to defuse an explosive situation. This was caused by the transmission of the AIDS virus to the Romulan race by an Enterprise crewmember during an illict sex session. 2:21 TELEPHONE CALL - Worf, still half size, runs out of patience with the Enterprise's telephones. Every time he tries to ring his parents to tell them of his unfortunate plight, he finds the phone is either broken, engaged, out of use, or occupied. Finally in a Klingon rage, Worf smashes them all up. He is becalmed up security officer Tasha Yar and the first officer Picard lets Worf use his own private phone to make the call. JEB (Executive Producer on 'Star Trek - the New Generation'): "This definitely mirrors my own frustration with the telephones where I work." 2:22 QUESTIONS - Q returns, and at last we witness the confrontation between Guinan and the mysterious episode. As the producer commented "This is a classic piece of writing, and at last we ask a lot of questions about the relationship between Q and Guinan. Admittedly we don't answer any, but this is deliberate. Not answering questions helps to weave a lovely tapestry of mystery which we are so keen to build up in this series, and always leaves the way open for a sequel should we see fit." 2:23 WHERE NO SKULL HAS GONE BEFORE - As Guinan had predicted, the Skull is back. However, in its usual curiously cringing manner, it has come to make peace. Negiotations however are upset by the arrival of a space cloud, wishing to revenge itself upon the Skulls who are an ancient enemy due to persistent efforts to make contact. Captain Riker is faced with a dilemma - to protect Skulls or keep the Prime Directive. The producer: "We hadn't done a PD story for a while, and this is the best yet!" 2:24 DELETING FILE SPACE - More mechanical break downs. This time it is Data who goes wrong and almost flies the Enterprise into the Black Hole of Tartarus. Dr Crusher can do little for the second officer; meanwhile Picard is annoyed to get blackcurrant squash instead of Earl Grey Tea out of the continually malfunctioning food dispenser. When Data wakes up, his memory is lost. He doesn't recognise Tasha, and has to go back to basics. 2:25 RO-BOT - Mysterious mechanical hands pull switches in a mysterious cubed shaped ship. On the Enterprise, Ensign Ro immediately goes bonkers and steers the ship hard a starboard at warp nine. When Worf and Tasha finally overcome Ro, the Enterprise is isolated, in a distant part of the galaxy, and Ro is found to be a robot, controlled by outside influence. But who can it be? 2:26 BORGDOM - Riker hardly has time to consider the problem before the Borg warp into view and demand, as usual their surrender. Riker sends Picard over with Geordi to check out the Borg ship while he does the usual things like rotate shields and reverse engines. Once there, one or two of the Geordis find a machine breaking device the Borg used on the Enterprise to sap morale and bring to the confrontation. Fortunately the Geordis work out how to turn it on the Borg, who being part machine, break down themselves. They are just in time to save the Enterprise, again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well did you like it?? There are more on their way to you... Steven... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | Reality is a strange and often dangerous place, visitors beware | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Steven Ellis |`If you were happy every day of you life, you | wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game- steven@XDML2.ico.olivetti.com | show host.' -- Winona Ryder "Heathers" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------