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Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 12:56:30 -0500
From: "Amato, Donna (CTG)" <DAmato@Cahners.com>
Subject: Texan Style.......This is funny
To: 'Anthony Russo' <russo_a@spcvxa.spc.edu>,
 'AnnMarie Amato' <ANNMA10@aol.com>, 'Linda Menzel' <menzell@wclabs.com>
Message-id: <690A38048939D21194F200805FFE656A07EE663B@exchange.sec.rtgint.com>
MIME-version: 1.0
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Original-recipient: rfc822;russo_a@spcvxa.spc.edu

Subject: Chili<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns =
"urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
 
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East  Coast:
 
  "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to
do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking  directions to the
beer wagon when the call came.
 
The other two judges, who are Native Texans, assured me that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy.  Besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted.  Here are the scorecards from the event:
 
 
Chili # 1:  Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE #1:  A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.
JUDGE #2:  Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.
FRANK:     Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
 
 
Chili # 2:  Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE #1:  Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE #2:  Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK:     Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers
when they saw the look on my face.
 
 
 
Chili # 3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE #1:  Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.  Needs more beans.
JUDGE #2:  A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano.   Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting shit-faced.
 
 
 
Chili # 4:  Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE #1:  Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE #2:  Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK:     I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it.  Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;
that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
eating.
 
 
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE #1:  Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable  kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE #2:  Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.  Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement. 
FRANK:     My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four  people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Fuck those rednecks!  
 
 
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE #1:  Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE #2:  The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK:     My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally.  I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!  
 
 
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE #1:  A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE #2:  Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment.  I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably. 
FRANK:     You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the fucking
pin, and I  wouldn't feel a damn thing.  I've lost the sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.   My shirt is covered
with chili,  which slid unnoticed out of my fucking mouth.  My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt.  At least during the
autopsy they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing, it's
too painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the fucking 4inch hole in my stomach.
 
 
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE #1:  A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE #2:  This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of  himself.   Not sure if he's going to
make it.  Poor Yank. 
FRANK:     --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)