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Subject: Parody (1st in an occasional series)
Message-ID: <1990Feb22.004653.13425@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu>
From: lis@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu (Elisabeth Riba)
Date: 22 Feb 90 00:46:53 GMT
Organization: Brandeis University Computer Science Dept
Lines: 100

k-  Ah... hello Mister Spock.
s-  Good day, Captain.
k-  Are you an avid baseball fan?
s-  Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of 4
    sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to knock the sh*t
    out of the object amidst loud verbalisations of 'Hurrah' and
    'Knock 'em on their *ss.' Is this correct?
k-  Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the base-
    ball teams from old Earth.
s-  Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history... perhaps I may be
    of assistance.
k-  That's the idea.
s-  Very well... proceed.
k-  Alright... who's on first.
s-  I am unable to determine who is on first without proper informa-
    tion concerning the team and year, sir.
k-  So?
s-  Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the
    accuracy.
k-  No... who's on first.
s-  I do not know.
k-  No... he's third base.
s-  Who is?
k-  No... he's first base.
s-  Who is?
k-  Correct.
s-  Who is correct?
k-  Sometimes.
s-  Who is sometimes?
k-  No... who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with sometimes' iden-
    tity.
s-  Who's identity?
k-  No... him I know... he's first baseman.
s-  Who is?
k-  Right.
s-  Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.
k-  What.
s-  I said the second baseman.
k-  What.
s-  This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory disfunc-
    tion, sir. Now, as I asked... who is the second baseman?
k-  No... you didn't ask that, and who is the first baseman.
s-  I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir.
m-  Dammit, Spock! You messed up the whole setup there!
s-  Forgive me Doctor... I am not a comedian.
m-  Obviously.
s-  That much is certain.
m-  Just get back to the skit.
s-  Very well. Captain... I ask you... politely... who is the second
    baseman.
k-  No... who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.
s-  That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sen-
    tient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not
    what. Who is the second baseman, not what is the second baseman.
k-  Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and what is the second
    baseman.
s-  That statement is most illogical.
k-  Okay... wait a minute. We'll get Scotty... he's Irish... he must
    love baseball. Oh Mister Scott...
sc- Aye, Cap'n?
k-  Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.
sc- Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!
k-  You see, Spock?
s-  Yes... Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Alright, Mis-
    ter Scott... who is the second baseman?
sc- Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be what you're talking about!
s-  I know that be what... er... is what I'm talking about. I am very
    intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about.
sc- Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field event!
s-  What has this got to do with field events?
sc- Ach! No! What's the second baseman!
s-  Again, I note that a person should be referred to as 'who' and not
    'what' Mister Scott.
sc- Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!
s-  What you are saying is most illogical.
sc- Ach! No! What's a real bright fella!
s-  Who is a 'real bright fella' Mister Scott?
sc- No! Who... now he's a real dope, sir!
s-  Who is?
sc- Right!
s-  You are relieved, Mister Scott.
sc- Aye, sir.
s-  Sir... this is most illogical, and I am no longer interested in
    learning who the second baseman is. I am also growing impatient.
k-  No... who's the first baseman.
s-  Very well sir. Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are.

Spock leaves.

k-  Sh*t! Whoever! I forgot about him! Wait... I don't remember a who-
    ever on the team...

Meanwhile...

s-  I am so good sometimes. Good night, whoever you are...
-- 
Universicon IV--March 24, 1990    | Lady Lis
Brandeis U, Waltham, MA  10am-5pm | ~~~~~~~~
Mike Gold, Peter David, Bill Mumy | a.k.a. Elisabeth Anne Riba
Elliot S! Maggin, and much more!  |        lis@cs.brandeis.edu