X-NEWS: spcvxb alt.folklore.computers: 17403 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!cs.utexas.edu!qt.cs.utexas.edu!yale.edu!ira.uka.de!uka!irau38!hanssgen Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Computer Songs & Poems [part 1/5] Message-ID: From: hanssgen@ira.uka.de (Stefan Haenssgen) Date: 18 Dec 91 14:55:26 GMT Followup-To: alt.folklore.computers Organization: University of Karlsruhe, FRG Keywords: none at all NNTP-Posting-Host: irau38.ira.uka.de Lines: 988 ***BEGIN PART 1*** COMPUTER SONGS ============== (Song and poem parodies with computer related subjects) collected & reformatted by Stefan Haenssgen The entries are formatted as follows, seperated by "@"s : Title : The title of the parody Original : The title of the original Group : The one(s) who performed the original Author : Author of the parody Info : Additional Comments by the Author Song : The Parody itself I'd like to thank the following people for their contributions (in alphabetical order) Nelson Bishop Tony Duell Axel Eble Uli Fraus Andreas Gustafsson Evan Kirshenbaum Adrian Mariano Ove Ruben R Olsen Boas Simon Ignatios Souvatzis Russell Street The Unknown User Martin Welk Alan Winston And here we go: @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : 0x0d2c Original : ? Group : ? Author : Bill Mitchell Intro : Song : 0x0d2c ------ May all your signals trap May your references be bounded All memory aligned Floats to ints be rounded Remember.... Nonzero is TRUE ++ adds one Arrays start with [0] NULL points to none For octal use zero 0x means in hex use = to set and == for a test Use -> for a pointer a dot if it's not ?: is confusing use this a lot a.out is your program there's no 'u' in foobar and char (*(*x())[])() is a function returning a pointer to an array of pointers to functions returning a char @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : A Better Model Original : A Modern Major-General Group : Gilbert and Sullivan Author : Steven Levine at Apollo Computer Intro : Song : A Better Model ============== by Steven Levine at Apollo Computer Submitted by "Spam" Sung to the tune of "A Modern Major-General" by Gilbert and Sullivan I've built a better model than the one at Data General For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. Chorus: His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting, His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting, His disk drive has capacity for variable format-formatting. I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral I've built a better model than the one at Data General. Cho: Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral He's built a better model than the one at Data General. The IBM new home computer's nothing more than germinal; At Prime they still have trouble with an interactive terminal; While Tandy's done a lousy job with operations Boolean, At Wang the byte capacity's too small to fit a coolie in. Intel's mid-year finances are something of the trouble sort; The Timex Sinclar crashes when you implement a bubble sort. All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spent their money well; And need I even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell? Cho: And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell? And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell? And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honey-Honeywell? By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitive I've brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive. In short, for input vegetable, animal, and mineral I've built a better model than the one at Data General. Cho: In short for input vegetable, animal, and mineral He's built a better model than the one at Data General. In fact when I've a floppy of a maximum diameter, When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter, When I can point to registers and keep their current map around, And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound, When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering, And when I can afford to use a hundred K for buffering, When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate, You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate. Cho: You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate, You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate, You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission-mission rate. Though all my better programs that self-reference recursively Have only been obtained through expert spying, done subversively, But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral, I've built a better model than the one at Data General. Cho: But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral, He's built a better model than the one at Data General. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : A is for Apple Original : A is for Apple Group : Traditional Author : Douglas Spencer Intro : Song : A is for Apple by Douglas Spencer Computer Systems Administrator, Anderman and Co Ltd A is for APPLE who sent us our Macs, D is for DEC, and they sold us a Vax. C is the language in which we write source, and B is our sort, which is BROKEN, of course. E is an ERROR when code is compiled, F is a FORK for creating a child, G is the GETTY that sits on the line, and H is a HANGUP whic:^?{^Zo^?{bD^]NO CARRIER I is the INTERCONNECTION of kit, J is the JOY when the cables all fit. K is for KERMIT, to copy a file, and L are the LINES that we drop all the while. M is the MODEM we use from our home, N are the NIGHTS which we spend on the 'phone, O is the OUTPUT we get from the host, and P are the 'PHONE BILLS we get in the post. Q for SIGQUIT makes our process abort, R is the REASON sigquit should be caught. S is the SIGNAL we catch and ignore, and T is the TRAP which we miss, and dump core. U is for UNIX -- I hope that is clear, V is the VISUAL editor here. W stands for the WINDOWS we use, and X for the windowing system we choose. Y is for YACC, quite a specialist tool, Z for the snores from the programming pool. Written while waiting while dinner was cooking @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Addicted To Vi Original : Addicted To Love Group : Robert Palmer Author : Chuck Musciano Intro : After thinking about that poor wretch who has become addicted to vi, I was inspired to compose the following ditty, sung to the tune of "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer. As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women, all of whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing sinuously. Song : Addicted To Vi (with apologies to Robert Palmer) You press the keys with no effect, Your mode is not correct. The screen blurs, your fingers shake; You forgot to press escape. Can't insert, can't delete, Cursor keys won't repeat. You try to quit, but can't leave, An extra "bang" is all you need. You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"-- Oh yeah? You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die You know you're gonna have to face it; You're addicted to vi! You edit files one at a time; That doesn't seem too out of line? You don't think of keys to bind-- A meta key would blow your mind. H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed? Expressions must be a Joy! Just press "f", or is it "t"? Maybe "n", or just "g"? Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"-- Oh yeah? You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die You know you're gonna have to face it; You're addicted to vi! Might as well face it, You're addicted to vi! You press the keys without effect, Your life is now a wreck. What a waste! Such a shame! And all you have is vi to blame. Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"-- Oh yeah? You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die You know you're gonna have to face it; You're addicted to vi! Might as well face it, You're addicted to vi! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : The Alternative Wall Original : The Wall Group : Pink Floyd Author : ? Intro : Here's a set of pseudosongs which is the result of several long drunken nights talking on a bulletin board between London & Aberystwyth (220+ miles apart)... circa 1988. Song : The Alternative Wall:- Established by:- Anarchy, Atropos, White, Roadrunner>>>++>>, & Giant Hogweed. Nobody On --------- I got keyboard corns on my fingers, I got a Ethernet Pad for a brain, I got a VDU to prop up my mortal remains. My programs always fail, I got a strong urge to MAIL But I got no-one to MAIL to, MAIL to, MAIL to.. Oh, babe, when I send down the phone, There's still nobody on... The Alternative Wall, Part Two. Does anybody here remember DEC? Remember how the manual Was useless to me In every way. UNIX, what has become of you? Can any other O/S be quite as slow as you... The Alternative Wall, Part Three. The Trial --------- Good Morning, ROOT, your honour, The dump will plainly show the user who now stands before you Was caught red-handed in the system Crudely hacking in a truly vicious nature This will not do! CALL THE LOGFILE! "I always said he'd come to no good didn't I, ROOT, your honour, If they let me have my way I'd have him banned from the VAX! But my hands were tied, The bleeding hearts and artists Not to mention the Dave Prices Wouldn't let me throw him off!" -- Dedicated to Atropos The Wanderer. The Alternative Wall, Part Four. The UNIX Login Software ----------------------- Is there anybody out there? (repeat ad nauseam) The Alternative Wall, Part Five. One of My Hacks --------------- Log onto the system On that lurid green screen You'll find there's no response! Don't look so frightened, this is just a passing crash, One of my bad hacks! Would you like to watch TV, Well, that's no use to me I want to watch you squirm As you try to get logged on! Do you want to call the OPS, Do you think it's time I stopped? Why are you running away? The Alternative Wall, Part Six. Filled Up Spaces / What Shall We Do Now? ---------------------------------------- What shall we use to trash The filled up spaces on the archive tape? How should I hack and leave no traces, How shall the system completely fall? The Alternative Wall, Part Seven. Uncomfortably Numb ------------------ Hello, is there anybody on here? I'm here but can you see me? Is there anyone at home? C'mon now, I hear that MIST is down, I can ease the pain, maybe bring it up again. Relax, I need some information first, Just the basic facts, have you hacked the system Snurt? There is no shell, your call is clearing, The distant chips smoke on the breadboard, You are only coming through off pads, Your fingers move but I can't see what you're typing. When I was a child I caught a virus, My filebase swelled just like two balloons Now I've got that feeling once again, I can't explai(core dumped), you would not understand, This is not how I am. I have become uncomfortably numb. The Alternative Wall, Part Eight. In a Flash ---------- So ya Thought ya Might like to Go to the show To feel the thrill of board hacking, That luminescent glow. I've got some bad news for you, sunshine OPS not around, 'cos Node 5 is down, And they sent us along, they've gone to the bar, And we're going to find out who you guys Really are. Have we got any oppos on the system tonight? Grep 'em up against the wall. There's one on Bullet, He don't look right to me, Grep him up agaist the wall. That one's called Badger, And that one's Tyrone, Who let all this riffraff on their own; There's one smoking a joint and Another with sandals? If I had my way I'd have all of you shot. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Another Glitch in the Call Original : Another Brick in the Wall Group : Pink Floyd Author : Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM Intro : Song : Another Glitch in the Call ========================== (Sung to the tune of a similar Pink Floyd song.) (Contributed By Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM) We don't need no indirection We don't need no flow control No data typing or declarations Hey! You! Leave those lists alone! Chorus: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. We don't need no side effect-ing We don't need no scope control No global variables for execution Hey! You! Leave those args alone! (Chorus) We don't need no allocation We don't need no special nodes No dark bit-flipping in the functions Hey! You! Leave those bits alone! (Chorus) We don't need no compilation We don't need no load control No link edit for external bindings Hey! You! Leave that source alone! (Chorus, and repeat) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Another One Original : ? Group : ? Author : ? Intro : Not quite the usual parody, but nice for all UNIX fans among us :-) Song : better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | egrep 'bad|good' for (goodness sake) { be good } better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | grep bad || good for (goodness sake) { be good; } @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : A Time for DWIM Original : A Time for Us Group : theme song from Romeo and Juliet Author : Guy L. Steele Jr. Intro : Song : A Time for DWIM [to be sung to the tune of A Time for Us (theme song from Romeo and Juliet)] A time for DWIM There'll never be; No clever code This losing mode Can UNDO for me. This "golden hope" (To be denied) Could never Correctly fix the bugs my programs hide. A way for bugs There'll never be To fix with generality. So to this DWIM Let's say farewell; The crocks therein Prove it can't win And ring its knell: Do What I Mean Is just a ruse -- It really Means only: Fix How Teitelman doth Lose! -- The Great Quux (with apologies to Rota, Kusik, and Snyder) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : BBN Superlisp Original : Jesus Christ Superstar Group : from Jesus Christ Superstar Author : Guy L. Steele Jr. Intro : Song : BBN Superlisp [to be sung to the tune of Jesus Christ Superstar] Every time I look at you I don't understand Why you think "Do What I Mean" is so cool and grand; You'd have managed better if you'd thought it through, Why'd you pick such an awkward way your bugs to undo? Your hairy feature will not be the last revolution, It's clear "Mean What I Do" is the ultimate solution! Don't you get me wrong, Don't you get me wrong, Don't you get me wrong, now, Don't you get me wrong, I only want to hack, I only want to hack, I only want to hack, I only want to hack. BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end! BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end! BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this? BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this? Tell us what you think about your friends at the top, Who d'you think besides yourself's the pick of the crop? Is LISP 1.5 where it's at? Is it where you are? Does Stanford's LISP have features too or is that just PR? Do you have the breakpoint scheme that MACLISP is known for, Or is that just the kind of kludge the user's on his own for? Don't you get me wrong, Don't you get me wrong, Don't you get me wrong, now, Don't you get me wrong, I only want to hack, I only want to hack, I only want to hack, I only want to hack. BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end! BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end! BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this? BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this? -- The Great Quux (with apologies to Rice and Webber) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Berkeley 4.3 Original : Yellow Submarine Group : Beatles Author : Jim Finnis Intro : [fragment] Song : In the RAM where I was forked, lived a ROM, who sailed the C... And he told, me of his life, in the Berkeley, 4.3... We all live in the Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3. We all live in the Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3. ((c) White the Wizard productions Ltd, 1987) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Boot It Original : Beat it Group : Michael Jackson Author : ? Intro : Song : Boot It You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead, Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed, The system just crashed, but don't lose your head, Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT. Better think fast, better do what you can, Read the manual or call your system man, Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan, So BOOT IT, Get the system manager to BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Even though you'd rather shoot it. Don't be upset, it's only some glitch. All that you do is flip a little switch. BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Get right down and restitute it. Don't get excited, all is not lost. CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it... You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two, The system says your jobs at the head of the queue, Right then the thing dies but you know what to do, BOOT IT. You always get so worried when the system runs slow, And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low, But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know) So BOOT IT, Call the local guru to BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Go ahead re-institute it. If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf, But if you are, it'll do itself. BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Then go find the guy who screwed it! Operating systems are built to bounce back, Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack. BOOT IT, BOOT IT @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Both Ways, Now Original : Both Sides, Now Group : Joni Mitchell Author : Guy L. Steele Jr. Intro : Song : Both Ways, Now [to be sung to the tune of Both Sides, Now] Decimal digits in a row, Just set the dials and let 'er go. The ENIAC was grossly slow -- I used to code that way, But then this Fortran came along; I danced and sang a happy song: So natural -- what could go wrong? I little knew, that day! I've looked at Fortran both ways, now, At II and IV, and still somehow, It's rows of numbers I recall; I really don't know Fortran at all. Fortran IV is real good stuff, But business hackers have it tough; For them this Fortran's not enough -- Then Cobol saved the day! But now I sing a sad refrain; This Cobol loss is no one's gain, And writing programs is a pain (I get writer's cramp that way!) I've looked at Cobol both ways, now, I code in it, and still somehow, It's FORMAT statements I recall; I really don't know Cobol at all. Cobol will for business do; Accounts and payroll make it through (And bills for zero dollars too -- I get them every day!) But those who hack symbolic frobs Cannot make do with Cobol jobs, And now I sing through anguished sobs, But Lisp is here to stay. I've looked at Lisp code both ways, now, At lambda forms, and still somehow, It's Cobol statements I recall; I really don't know Lisp at all. -- The Great Quux (with apologies to Joni Mitchell) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : The Boys of HP Original : The Boys of Summer Group : Don Henley Author : Adam Sah Intro : This reminds me of something we printed here in C.S. Major Magazine regarding our beloved Hewlett-Packard 300 Series... Song : The Boys of HP (sung to the tune 'The Boys of Summer' by Don Henley) -------------- (csfs1 = Comp. Sci File Server 1) Nobody in the room no cursor on the screen I feel it in the air 'csfs1 not responding' empty disk, empty screen, the server goes down alone I was logged into my account and I know you have no phone. I can see it the workstation's collecting dust You've got your 'console long:' and your blank screen, baby. And I can tell you I'll never get my source by dawn once the boys from HP have gone. I'll never forget those night. I wonder if I ever got to sleep? Remember how you made me crazy Remember how _you_ made _me_ scream? I don't understand what happened to my source If I can't ever get it back, I'm sure you have no remorse. I can see it the system crashing on me you've got your pinstriped suit and your corporate paranoia, baby. And I can tell you my love for this will still be strong after the boys of HP have gone Out in the corridors I saw a bunch of lost programmers A little voice inside my head say, "Don't buy more, you should never buy more" I thought I knew where my source was What did I know? Those servers are gone forever, I should just let them go, but- I can see it- your drives eating my work You've got that salesman's pitch and your demo running baby. and I can tell you- my love for CS will still be strong even after the boys from HP have gone. (c) 1991 by Adam Sah @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : CRASH! goes the System Original : POP goes the weasel Group : ? Author : ? Intro : Here's one my father wrote some years ago. It used to hang on the door to the computer room in building 2 at Goddard Space Flight Center (NASA). Song : CRASH! goes the System Two specks of dust on a Winchester disk No use to hope you missed them That's the way computing goes-- CRASH! goes the system. Go exchange the circuit boards Try and use your wisdom No way will you catch that bug-- CRASH! goes the system. Our pride and joy has features galore It takes a day to list them And none of them can be used any more-- CRASH! goes the system. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : CRAY-S's coolant Original : Octopusse's Garden Group : Beatles Author : aem@aber.ac.uk (Alec David Muffett) Intro : [fragment] Song : I'd like to be under the sea, in a CRAY1-S's coolant in the shade This freon gas will freeze my ass, in a CRAY1-S's coolant in the shade... @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Cycles For Nothing Original : Money For Nothing Group : Dire Straits Author : Matt Crawford Intro : Song : Cycles For Nothing (i want my i want my i want my X-MP!) Now look at them yo-yo's that's the way you do it You run the fortran on the X-MP That ain't hackin' that's the way you do it Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free Now that ain't hackin' that's the way you do it Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb Maybe Monte Carlo on a three-quark system Maybe design a little neutron bomb We gotta install microwave uplinks Custom fuzzballs for everyone We gotta link up DDS circuits BERT and loopback tests to run See the kid professor with the blue jeans and the necktie Yeah buddy that's his own hair That kid professor got his Nobel prize now That kid professor he's a millionaire We gotta install microwave uplinks Custom fuzzballs for everyone We gotta link up DDS circuits BERT and loopback tests to run I shoulda stuck to writing in fortran I shoulda kept that old 029 Look at that output, he got it stacked up to the ceilin' I bet he ain't read one line And in there, what's that? A hundred postdocs? Bangin' on the keyboards like some chimpanzees That ain't hackin' that's the way you do it Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free We gotta install microwave uplinks Custom fuzzballs for everyone We gotta link up DDS circuits BERT and loopback tests to run by Matt Crawford @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : The Day Bell System Died Original : American Pie Group : Don Mclean Author : Lauren Weinstein Intro : Greetings. With the massive changes now taking place in the telecommunications industry, we're all being inundated with seemingly endless news items and points of information regarding the various effects now beginning to take place. However, one important element has been missing: a song! Since the great Tom Lehrer has retired from the composing world, I will now attempt to fill this void with my own light-hearted, non-serious look at a possible future of telecommunications. This work is entirely satirical, and none of its lyrics are meant to be interpreted in a non-satirical manner. The song should be sung to the tune of Don Mclean's classic "American Pie". I call my version "The Day Bell System Died"... ***END PART 1*** -- ,-----,------,--,--, / / / / / Stefan Haenssgen, Comp Sci, Uni Karlsruhe, Germany / ---/-, ,-/ / / / / / / / / haenssgen@ira.uka.de or uk0w@dkauni2.bitnet /--- / / / / / / / / / / / / / "Use the SOURCE, Luke!" (Return of the RedEye Nights) '-----' '--' '--'--' "I feel a great disturbance in the SOURCE"