R O M A N A ' N D A V E starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman Written by: Tom Golden EPISODE 1: FIRST TIME IN ROMANA'S NEWLY-BUILT TARDIS ROMANA: David, you may travel with me, but BE CAREFUL. There is a lot of technical equipment in my Tardis that is quite dangerous when misused. DAVE: Wouldn't be G.E. equipment by any chance, would it? Those stinking weasels have their grubby paws everywhere. Hey Romana, what's this button do--HOLY...GEEZ...WHOA...well I'm sure that the kids watching got full value for their entertainment dollar, er, pound, that time. And, I got a perm to boot. Is it dollars or pounds, by the way? ROMANA: Pounds. David, DO shut up and SIT DOWN. DAVE: You know, Time Lady, you're not only a mega-intelligent super being, I'm proud to say that you are one FABulous babe. And I'm not really into aliens -- although I did have Nastassia Kinski on my show once. Just kidding, just kidding. Geez, nobody can take a joke. Can you regenerate into, say, Teri Garr or something? ROMANA: (Ignoring him) David, make yourself useful. Come over here and watch this screen for me while I adjust our coordinates. DAVE: Hey! Are we going to see a clip from next week's episode? ROMANA: (To herself) (sigh) A chronic hysteresis is too good for him. DAVE: (eyeing the dematerialization lever) Well, what have we here? Folks, I just want you to know that this is a REAL Tardis because if it weren't, could I do this with it? (Pulls lever back and forth) ROMANA: David...NOOOOO!.. TARDIS DEMATERIALIZES...ELVIS APPEARS BRIEFLY AND DISAPPEARS... TARDIS REMATERIALIZES IN DARK FOREST ROMANA: ...you STUPID, American pseudo-chat show GIT! Stop grinning like a JACK-O-LANTERN and GET AWAY from the CONSOLE! Who knows WHERE we've ended up because of you! ROMANA SURVEYS THE CONSOLE OF HER TARDIS. SHE SCRATCHES HER HEAD AND BITES HER LIP. ROMANA: Right...where are we...looks like Thertirok VI-H. A planet teeming with people whose intelligence rivals the brightest twelve-year-olds on Earth. You're lucky we didn't land anywhere where you'd have trouble coping. Now, you wait here while I go out and have a look 'round... ROMANA OPENS DOORS AND EXITS TARDIS, LEAVING DAVID ALONE IN THE TARDIS DAVE: Well, Romana, since we are in a lull in the action, and we are in a lull because you missed the rehearsal, I just want you to know that, you've GOT to stop missing the rehearsals, I'd like to take a moment and bring out this week's guest monster...Paul Schaffer. Paul, why don't you take a swipe at the Time-babe for the cameras while I go over to my side of the Tardis -- let's all give him a round of applause. ROMANA SCREAMS AND RUNS BACK INTO TARDIS. AS SHE TRIES TO SHUT THE DOOR, A LARGE SCALY HAND WITH LOTS OF GARISH LAS VEGAS ENTERTAINER-STYLE JEWELRY GETS CAUGHT IN IT. ROMANA BRIEFLY RELEASES THE DOOR, ALLOWING THE HAND TO PULL BACK. THE DOOR CLOSES. DAVE: Romana...PAUL doesn't miss rehearsals. Wasn't that realistic? Hee hee hee. By the way, how are we doing on time? ROMANA: (to herself) Calm down, Romana, having him here means I won't have to regenerate into Meryl Streep...think ratings...ratings... ratings...(pauses) David, I am a Time Lady...time is NOT one of our problems. DAVE: Tell that to Pat Sajak -- I hear they're shrinking his show to 15 minutes...it'll be so fast-paced it'll be over before viewers can switch to Arsenio. ROMANA: RIGHT! I've had enough! I'm regenerating RIGHT NOW into, who was it...yes, CHER! Yes, she'll sort you RIGHT OUT! (Closes eyes tightly and concentrates) DAVE: Aw, don't go away mad! I treat everybody this way. I'm just having fun with you. Here, have some Late Night Fish Sticks and Doctor Who brand Jellybabies. And remember, I'm just here to ensure that Lionheart makes money on the deal. Other than that, it's YOUR show. OK? ROMANA: (Opens eyes, realizing defeat at the hands of market forces) Yes, I know -- I'm sorry. And you ARE a more realistic American than that girl the Doctor told me about...what was her name...Peri? DAVE: Was that the Eurobabe with the enormous-- ROMANA: David, this is a children's show! DAVE: VOICE! I was going to say VOICE. Boy, you really have a low opinion of me. I am miffed...nay, PEEVED. ROMANA: (Sarcastically) I'm sure you had her voice in mind. (Aside) I wonder if I still have the Doctor's Velcro scarf...if I could just wrap it over his mouth a few times...maybe when I have time...Or better yet, a whole WALL of Velcro -- wrap it around him and then hang him up on a wall of the Tardis... DAVE: (Wandering out of the control room and into the Tardis interior) I am really PEEVED at this point. PEEVED. PEEVED. What a wimpy, weaselly kind of word. Y'know, TARDIS sounds like a disease where you're always late...'Yes sir, I was late because I'm suffering from TARDIS...' (voice fades into background) ROMANA: Oh for a sonic screwdriver aimed through his ear and into his brain... NEXT TIME: DAVE MEETS THE BLACK AND WHITE GUARDIANS (But only if enough of you like this pilot episode! :-) ) - Tom Golden tgolden@cup.portal.com ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom Golden EPISODE 2: DAVE MEETS THE BLACK AND WHITE GUARDIANS OUR STORY SO FAR: Dave accidentally causes Romana's new Tardis to materialize on planet Thertirok IV-H. Romana checks out the surroundings, only to be chased back into the Tardis by a guest monster hand (played by Paul Schaffer). Dave serves fish sticks and jellybabies for dinner. THE NEXT MORNING -- ROMANA IS BUSILY PULLING OUT AND REPLACING BURNT-OUT CIRCUIT BOARDS FROM THE CONTROL CONSOLE... DAVE: (Entering the control room, yawns) Y'know, this Tardis of yours would be a whole lot nicer if there were signs pointing to where the can is. I must have spent half the night looking for it. ROMANA: (Uncomfortably) Male humanoid... hmmm... Down the main corridor, once to the left, once to the right, then two more lefts and another right -- I presume you found it? DAVE: LEFT off the main corridor? I went right, right, left, left, left, then kind of diagonally and then left...the room LOOKED like a bathroom... ROMANA: Oh NO, the ZERO ROOM! DAVE: Well I guess it's the ONE and TWO room now...(grins sheepishly) sorry. ROMANA: I guess I'll just have to jettison it from the architectural configuration... (sigh) is there no end to your madness? DAVE: What did you say? ROMANA: I said, 'Is there no mending this Tardis?' We burnt out a lot of circuitry when we dematerialized so suddenly. We're stuck here until I can make repairs. DAVE: Stuck? I have tickets to a Knicks game tonight! They cost a FORTUNE and I'm not about to miss it! ROMANA: Don't worry...I can get you there on time, and then after the game is over I can get you there again and you can watch from the other side, Blinovich willing. OK? DAVE: Really? I think I could get used to travelling around in this crate if we can do that. ROMANA: (to herself) but can New York handle TWO of him, I wonder? LOOKING BORED, DAVE TAKES A HANDY PENCIL AND FINGERS IT...AND THEN LOOKS MISCHEVIOUSLY AT THE VIEWSCREEN... DAVE: Hmmm...wonder what kind of sound it'd make...naah, I'm in enough trouble already. Hee hee hee hee-- SUDDENLY, WITH A CLAP OF THUNDER, TWO FIGURES APPEAR ON THE VIEWSCREEN -- THE BLACK AND WHITE GUARDIANS! DAVE: Hey, Romana -- look at the two geeks on the screen! ROMANA: What? OH! David, they are not...'geeks'...they are the Black and White Guardians...you should be more respectful... DAVE: Sounds like a security service for police cars. Who are these guys? WG: ROMANADVORATRELUNDAR...We bid you GREETINGS and FELICITATIONS. What means GEEK? ROMANA: (To guardians) It is a term of the highest respect. P-p-please don't mind David, he's a little eccentric. He goes on like this for hours at times. David, these beings are the supreme forces for good and evil in this universe. Now, be a good companion ... and ... say ... HELLO. DAVE: Oh, you mean like Batman and the Joker. Hey, I think the White Guardian is...yes, folks, it's really Chris Elliott! WG: (whispers) Shut up Dave, you'll ruin the sketch...Marv Albert is the Black Guardian, OK? Don't be a jerk -- follow the program, OK? DAVE: Hee hee hee hee hee...Okay, Chris, I mean Mr. White Guardian, hee hee hee...hello, it is, and I mean this sincerely, it is an HONOR and a privilege to meet you. WG: (Elliott's most pompous tone) Why thank you, young man. I must say, you haven't been much of a force for good, have you. Do you have anything to say for yourself? Perhaps something like, 'I'm sorry for not giving Chris Elliot more time on my show'? DAVE: Hee hee hee hee Well, I just don't know what to say... I-- BG: YESSSSS! Wait! I think that I must point out that he hasn't done much to serve me either. In fact, he's been mostly a waste of good protoplasm for most of his life. I have an idea...YESSS! Why don't I just fix the space between his teeth and then no one will be compelled to stare transfixed at him anymore...YESSS! DAVE: You mean I wouldn't be able to, like, STARE directly into the camera and say something like 'I...AM...DAVE...LETTERMAN,...AND YOU... WILL...OBEY...*ME*' and people won't watch my show anymore? WG: (Ignoring Dave) We don't have time...remember, YOU locked the Key to Time in a parallel universe, and now we have to find the Locksmith Guardian... DAVE: The supreme force for Shlage in the universe? WG: No, Yale. Just stick to the script, Dave...OK? DAVE: Hee hee hee...Y'know, Guardians, I hear that there's a football game between the 49ers and 5 other teams at the same time -- and I hear that NBC's looking to sign Brent Musberger to cover it. I'm just about ready to put it on the viewscreen... would you like to watch? BG: (hurriedly) If you'll excuse me, I have some other obligationssss... YESSSSS..... THE BLACK GUARDIAN DISAPPEARS FROM THE VIEWSCREEN TO THE SOUNDS OF A FOOTBALL CROWD ENTHUSIASTICALLY CHEERING A FIELD GOAL... DAVE: I knew Marv'd fall for that one... WG: Your companion is much brighter than he looks. But then again, most asteroids are brighter than he looks. ROMANA: (whispering to Dave) You are too lucky for your own good. Don't you get it? These Guardians can alter time so you NEVER existed! DAVE: (whispering to Romana) If I never existed, then Chris Elliot would still be a taxi driver in Manhattan, whining 'I'm Bob and Ray's son! I'm Bob and Ray's Son' all the -- WG: SILENCE! ROMANADVORATRELUNDAR, the Key to Time is locked in a parallel universe, and I want YOU to search for the Locksmith Guardian. I'll pick up the tab, of course. All you need do is find him and I can do the rest. You will find what you need to complete the task on this planet. Do you have any questions? DAVE: Yeah, I want to know why you took the job on 'Nick and Hillary' a while back. I mean, that show just stank up the place. NBC actually got the first negative share in ratings history with that turkey. WG: (as Chris Elliott) Dave, for the LAST time, shut UP and stick to the SCRIPT -- or I'll have to TOAST you with my White Guardian Powers. ROMANA: Regardless of who you think he is, David, I suggest you listen to what he says -- I know what he is capable of. DAVE: Ok, ok. But you promise to let me smoke a cigar in the control room. Deal? ROMANA: (Hesitates) Deal. (to herself) And I thought the Doctor was out of control. I wish I hadn't left K-9 with Biroc! DAVE: Biroc? Oh, you mean the guy who looks like Vincent on Beauty and the Beast? Yeah, I never saw anyone actually dump Kal Kan on a plate and eat it with a fork and some white wine before! By candlelight, no less! ROMANA: Look! The White Guardian has disappeared! DAVE: Yeah, probably to do another book tour. Well, it looks like it's time to go down the hall, or rather outside. Shall we? ROMANA: I think that would be a good idea. ROMANA AND DAVE VENTURE OUTSIDE THE TARDIS, WHICH LOOKS LIKE A 7 FOOT TALL GRAY BOX. THE TARDIS IS IN A SMALL CLEARING, SURROUNDED BY A DARK FOREST. AS THEY CLOSE THE DOOR AND STEP AWAY, THE BOX BEGINS TO GLOW AND CHANGE SHAPE... DAVE: Hey, what's it doing? ROMANA: The Tardis is activating its chameleon circuit -- to blend in with its surroundings. And mine actually works, too. DAVE: But it's not quite blending in, is it...it looks like -- ROMANA: Like a seven-foot-tall -- DAVE: Yep, it's a fire hydrant. ROMANA: I should NEVER have trusted K-9 to correctly remember how to build a chameleon circuit. Oh well, nothing we can do now... we're off... DAVE: Y'know, Romana, TARDIS is a really dumb word...it sounds like the stuff you get on your teeth...'Ummm, we're going to scrape all the TARDIS off your teeth now', or 'Chewing CRUNCHY-BONE Dog Biscuits will remove stubborn TARDIS off of your dog's teeth.' Hee hee hee he he -- ROMANA: David, DO shut up and let's go... DAVE: (Voice fading as they walk into the forest) Well, YES MA'AM, your Time Ladyship... You know, I think I ought to check the air in your ego next time we're near a service station...it's just a leeeeetle bit over-inflated... NEXT TIME: THE LETTERMAN FACTOR ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom Golden EPISODE 3: THE LETTERMAN FACTOR OUR STORY SO FAR: Romana 'n Dave find themselves still on planet Thertirok VI-H. The White Guardian (really Chris Elliott) informs them that the Black Guardian locked the Key to Time in a parallel universe and instructs them to find the Locksmith Guardian -- 'the supreme force for Schlage in the universe'. They must search the planet to obtain the necessary tools to find the Locksmith Guardian. They leave Romana's Tardis, which changes shape into a giant fire hydrant... What they don't know is that they have landed in the middle of the war between the Daleks -- Davros' new generation vs. the Imperial originals. The Imperials are on Thertirok to find a new source for their 'Human Factor' which makes them unpredictable and therefore able to cope with Davros' Daleks. Davros, in hot pursuit, has just landed, after a brief trip to Earth to pick up an important guest. SCENE 1: DAVROS' HQ TWO CHAMBERS -- LABELLED 'CHAMBER A' AND 'CHAMBER B' ARE CONNECTED BY LOTS OF WIRE AND EQUIPMENT. DALEKS ARE HURRYING ABOUT IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Davros' daleks will be denoted as '1', '2', '3', etc.) DAVROS: Seat our guest in Chamber B. DALEK1: (To guest) PRISONER LARRYBUD MELMAN MOVE MOVE MOVE INTO CHAMBER B MOVE MELMAN: (as if reading from cue cards) Get Away From Me, You Pepper Pots From Hell! AH HA HA HA HA HA! DALEK1: MOVE INTO CHAMBER B OR YOU WILL BE EX-TERM-I-NA-TED MELMAN: Hey, Chill Out, Dudes. I'm Moving, I'm Moving. DAVROS: And now I will enter Chamber A. On my signal, you will initiate the transfer sequence. DALEK2: I OBEY DAVROS: (Meglomaniacal soliloquy) This body has served me well. But now, even my advanced knowledge cannot save it from death. So...I shall simply transfer my essence into another body not unlike my own. You, Larry 'Bud' Melman, will assist me in living and carrying on my work. With your body, there is nothing I cannot do...no world I cannot conquer...and my Daleks, under my -- our -- leadership, will CONQUER...THE...UNIVERSE!!! SWITCH ON! DALEK2: I OBEY LOTS OF REALLY NEAT SPECIAL EFFECTS -- DAVROS' BODY SHRIVELS UP INSIDE HIS CHAIR...AND LARRY 'BUD' DEVELOPS AN EVIL EXPRESSION MELMAN: We ... Are ... Melman ... We ... Are ... Davros ... (stands up) I am Larry 'Bud' Davros -- an amalgam of both of the keenest minds in the Universe. Dispose of my old husk and chair... and bring me my new chair. DALEK1: I OBEY ... DISPOSE OF CONTENTS OF CHAMBER A ... BRING DAVROS' NEW TRANSPORT VEHICLE DALEK2: BRING NEW TRANSPORT VEHICLE DALEK3: BRING NEW TRANSPORT VEHICLE DALEK4: (Bringing what appears to be a shiny new tricycle) WHY DO I GET STUCK WITH ALL THE DIRTY JOBS WE ARE ALL IDENTICAL DALEK3: (To Dalek 4) OBEY OR YOU WILL BE ASSIGNED TO OGRON LATRINE DUTY DALEK4: I OBEY LARRY 'BUD' DAVROS SITS DOWN ON THE TRICYCLE AND STARTS PEDDLING AROUND MELMAN: Ahhh, I feel so *energetic*! I feel like I want to... EXTERMINATE something! DALEKS: (In unison) EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE MELMAN: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! SCENE 2: MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE FOREST DAVE: Ah, this is just like a walk in Central Park. WATCH OUT, A MUGGER! Just kidding, just kidding -- hahahahahaha... ROMANA: That was NOT funny, David. Look, there's a clearing...and beyond that are some buildings. We're nearly there. DAVE: I can just make out the word 'TRUMP' on the front doors. ROMANA: That's not possible -- they don't even speak English here. DAVE: Yeah...and Donald Trump doesn't own NASA yet. You're probably right. Whoa... ROMANA AND DAVE ARE SURROUNDED BY IMPERIAL DALEKS (denoted as 'a', 'b', 'c', etc.) DALEKa: HALT HALT DALEKb: HALT HALT OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED DAVE: What the HELL is this, Romana? I don't think I've ever been held up by mutant Mobil gas pumps before... ROMANA: David, these petrol pumps are armed -- they're called 'Daleks' and they are VERY dangerous. Just do what they say and I'll try to come up with a way out of this. DALEKa: SILENCE SILENCE YOU WILL COME TO IMPERIAL DALEK HEADQUARTERS FOR INTERROGATION MOVE MOVE MOVE DALEKb: MOVE MOVE MOVE ONE OF THE DALEKS ROTATES ITS PLUNGER AND ACCIDENTALLY HITS ROMANA IN THE HEAD. ROMANA COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND UNCONSCIOUS. DAVE: Oh, so you're SOOOO superior -- you've gone and HIT a WOMAN. OOOOOOOooooh, you mutant mobile slot machine, you -- Why don't you just PICK on someone your OWN SIZE? Geez, I just can't -- DALEKc: SILENCE... MOVE OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED DAVE: OK, ok, you don't have to tell ME thirteen times! DAVE AND THE DALEKS PROCEED TO IMPERIAL DALEK HQ SCENE 3: DALEK HQ DALEKa: YOU HAVE COMPLETED TESTS ON SUBJECT LET-TER-MAN. REPORT REPORT REPORT DALEKb: SUBJECT LET-TER-MAN SHOWS UTILITY MARGINALLY SUPERIOR TO POPULATION OF THIS PLANET... IDEAL CANDIDATE FOR HUMAN FACTOR REPLACEMENT DALEKa: INSTALL SUBJECT LET-TER-MAN IN WAR COMPUTER CONSOLE DALEKb: I OBEY DAVE: Wait, so I tested well -- I always do well on tests! Can't we just sit down and, and, and just talk about it over some Romana 'n Dave brand burnt toast with marmalade? Awww, this isn't going to hurt, is it? DAVE SITS IN THE WAR COMPUTER CONSOLE CHAIR. HIS FACE GOES BLANK. DALEKa: DALEKS PREPARE TO RECEIVE NEW INSTRUCTIONS FROM WAR COMPUTER DALEKS: I OBEY I OBEY SCENE 4: BACK IN THE FOREST A SHORT STRANGER IN A PINSTRIPE SUIT AND ARGYLE VEST IS WALKING THROUGH THE FOREST. HE IS CARRYING A COUPLE OF ELECTRONIC BOOKS, THE WORD 'PANIC' BEING CLEARLY VISIBLE ON THE FRONT OF ONE. CAN IT BE? IT IS -- IT'S FORD PREFECT! FORD STUMBLES OVER ROMANA, WHO IS STILL LYING UNCONSCIOUS. FORD: Well, what have we here? Shall I roll her for Altarian dollars? No, it wouldn't be sporting. I guess I should wake her up... or just walk by and pretend I didn't see anything. FORD TAKES A COIN OUT OF HIS POCKET AND FLIPS IT FORD: Heads...(reads coin) Damn! Well, I guess I'd better wake her. (Gently slapping her) Wake up, wake up...wake up... ROMANA: Oooohh, my head. Who are you? FORD: My name is...Zaphod. Zaphod Beeblebrox. And you are? ROMANA: Romanadvoratrelundar. You may call me Romana. Beeblebrox -- That's Betelgeusian, isn't it? BETELGEUSE: (Cameo) Just say it 2 more times and...it's SHOWTIME! FORD: What was that? Ah, my girl, you have me. Born and raised. ROMANA: (Getting up) Well, what brings you to this planet? FORD: Well, ah, I'm a writer for a new travel guide which is just starting up. It's for galactic business travellers who don't like to travel. It's called 'The Galaxxidental Tourist'. I'm checking out Thertirok for the next edition. I've been here 3 years now. It's really exciting -- not like the job I used to have, with a more dubious publication. What are *you* doing here? ROMANA: We landed here by accident. We were ambushed by Daleks and my companion was taken away. FORD: Bad news, those Daleks...landed here over the weekend. You'd think they took weekends off, but no, seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day, just exterminate, exterminate, exterminate. They've really put a damper on the neighborhood. ROMANA: I'm sorry to hear that. Look, I really must dash, got to save my companion from certain death. FORD: You wouldn't by any chance be in a position to leave the planet soon, would you? ROMANA: Actually, I would. Why do you ask? FORD: Well, allow me to explain... SCENE 5: BACK IN IMPERIAL HQ THE DALEKS HAVE RECEIVED THE NEW PROGRAMMING AND ARE ACTING ACCORDINGLY DALEKa: LETTER NUMBER 1 LETTER NUMBER 2 LETTER NUMBER 3 ... DALEKb: IF I WEREN'T A REAL DALEK, COULD I DO THIS (Wiggles plunger back and forth) DALEKc: (Wearing large pair of sunglasses on its dome) ITS JUST A GROOVY TRIP TO BE HERE MAN...WHERE IS THE REST OF THE BAND... WHERE IS MY KEYBOARD DALEKd: I'M WEARING A BLUE SHIRT TAN PANTS AND A BROWN BELT... THANKS FOR ASKING DAVE... I'M WEARING A BLUE SHIRT ... NEXT TIME: THE ATTACK OF THE LETTERDALEKS ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom Golden EPISODE 4: ATTACK OF THE LETTERDALEKS OUR STORY SO FAR: Romana 'n Dave find themselves still on planet Thertirok VI-H, on a quest to find the tools necessary to locate the Locksmith Guardian and unlock the Key to Time. Dave falls into the hands (or whatever) of the Imperial Daleks and is forced to link up mentally with their War Computer as their new 'Human Factor'. Meanwhile in the nearby Renegade Dalek encampment, Davros has superimposed himself on the hapless consciousness of Larry 'Bud' Melman and discarded his old chair -- replacing it with a brand new red tricycle so he can keep the same perspective on his work. Larry 'Bud' Davros now schemes with his Dalek subordinates on how best to overtake the Imperial force and prevent them from making use of their newly acquired 'human factor'. Back in the forest, Romana, accidentally knocked unconscious by a clumsy Imperial Dalek, wakes up to find Ford Prefect standing over her. He introduces himself as his semi-cousin Zaphod (don't ask -- this is a parody, read the original book) and asks if she can get him off Thertirok. Script Legend -- To minimize space wasted on character cues, I indicate: Imperial Daleks are 'DALEKa', 'DALEKb', etc. Renegade Daleks are 'DALEK1', 'DALEK2', etc. Davros is now referred to as 'MELMAN' as noted above. SCENE 1: LARRY 'BUD' DAVROS' HQ LARRY 'BUD' DAVROS AND COMPANY PREPARE TO ACTIVATE THE SPY CAMERA PLACED IN THE IMPERIAL HQ. MELMAN: Activate the viewscreen. DALEK1: I OBEY THE VIEWSCREEN LIGHTS UP. THE CAMERA PANS TO REVEAL A DALEK COVERED IN VELCRO AND HANGING ON A VELCRO WALL, ONE TRYING TO PLAY A KEYBOARD WITH ITS PLUNGER AND A COUPLE OF DALEKS RUNNING OVER TENNIS SHOES IN A VAIN ATTEMPT TO PUT THEM ON. YET ANOTHER DALEK, WEARING A LARGE NECKTIE IS SWAYING BACK AND FORTH, TRYING TO EMULATE DAVE'S WAY OF USING HIS LAPELS TO MOVE HIS TIE BACK AND FORTH ON HIS NECK. DALEKa: (on viewscreen) THOSE DALEKS MISSING REHEARSALS WILL BE EXTERMINATED DALEKb: EXTERMINATED HEE HEE HEE... EXTERMINATE WE'RE HAVING SOME FUN NOW DALEKc: EXTERMINATED... HEE HEE HEE I AM A REAL DALEK... IF I WEREN'T COULD I DO THIS (blasts big hole in computer bank) DALEKd: ...WEARING BLUE SHIRT, TAN PANTS AND BROWN BELT... THANKS FOR ASKING DAVE... MELMAN: (Visibly shaken) So...they've found their Human factor...but it's NOT a HUMAN factor -- it is a HUMOR factor. Of COURSE! How could I have missed it? FUNNY WAR! Daleks -- we must leave at ONCE! Back to Earth...we must find one named -- JAY LENO! Only he can counter the Imperial Daleks' HUMOR FACTOR. And, once I have converted Jay into one of my Daleks, I will be not only the most POWERFUL...BEING...IN...THE...UNIVERSE...BUT...THE...SILLIEST! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. MELMAN: Open it -- see who it is, then exterminate him. DALEKd: I OBEY (Opens door) GUY: Here's your pizzas...all forty-five thousand... MELMAN: WHAAAT? GUY: Pizza Planet...pizza to go...you order forty-five thousand large pizzas? MELMAN: I certainly did NOT. This must be...the ATTACK of the LETTERMAN DALEKS! THEY...WILL...PAY...FOR...THIS! GUY: Nope, bud, YOU'LL pay for this. I ain't leaving until I get my money. MELMAN: Very well. Exterminate him. DALEK MOVES FORWARD TO EXTERMINATE PIZZA MAN... GUY: Uh uh...I'm with the union. DALEK FREEZES, TURNS AROUND AND ROLLS AWAY IN TERROR MELMAN: CURSES! Beaten by a bunch of late night mutants! Very well, pay him. (Looks at pizza man) You...bring one of those pizzas to me. GUY: OK, here you are. MELMAN: (Downs a slice of the pizza) Delicious...and I thought I hated anchovies. GUY: They aren't anchovies. MELMAN: Something artificial? GUY: No...Dalek tentacles. Pizza Planet's specialty. MELMAN: (Spitting out pizza) AAAAUAUUUUUUGGGGHHHH! I'M...A...CANNIBAL! OUT! GET OUT! AAHHHHAHAHAUYUUUGH! THE HUMILIATION! SCENE 2: IMPERIAL DALEK HQ IMPERIAL DALEKS ARE HUDDLED AROUND A VIEWSCREEN, BEERS IN 'HAND'. SIX-PACKS OF BEER AND BAGS OF POTATO CHIPS ARE STREWN EVERYWHERE. ONE DALEK HAS A LIT CIGAR STUCK IN ITS EYE-TUBE. THEY HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE EVENTS IN DAVROS' HQ AND ARE VISIBLY (?) PLEASED WITH THE OUTCOME DALEKa: SUCCESS! WE HAVE SUCCEEDED IN HUMILIATING DAVROS. OUR NEXT OBJECTIVE IS NOW CLEAR...TRAVEL TO EARTH AND EXTERMINATE STINKING WEASEL G.E. EXECUTIVES... DALEKS: EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE STINKING WEASELS EXTERMINATE ... ROMANA AND FORD, HAVING CREPT STEALTHILY INTO THE IMPERIAL HQ, ARE WATCHING FROM BEHIND A COMPUTER BANK. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, DAVE STARES VACANTLY INTO SPACE...A CIGAR WIRED TO THE WAR CONSOLE IS IN HIS MOUTH -- IT APPEARS THAT THE CIGAR IS THE MEANS BY WHICH THE WAR COMPUTER INTERFACES WITH HIS BRAIN. ROMANA: Looks like they've beaten Davros. Good -- they're occupied. If only the remaining Daleks will go into the next room. FORD: Pardon me for asking, but, why don't we just LEAVE him here? As long as your Terran Yank git is plugged into their War Computer, they're basically harmless. Small price to pay, if you ask me. ROMANA: Sorry, it just won't do...I can't believe I'm saying it, but I'm FOND of him...well, sort of. In any case, they don't need him -- A DALEK COMES UP BEHIND THEM DALEKe: YOU ARE PRISONERS OF THE DALEKS...WHERE ARE YOU FROM AND WHAT IS YOUR PET'S NAME, PLEASE? YOUR PET'S NAME, YOUR PET'S NAME, NAME, NAME FORD: Look, um, you've captured us, OK. And you're really a BRAVE Dalek for capturing us. I don't want to minimize that. But, since you already have us, and we can't get away, do you really need us here, as such? I was thinking, maybe the missus and I could just toddle over to a nearby pub, down a few, really *enjoy* ourselves, and then just quietly slip back into place when -- DALEKe: SILENCE SILENCE OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED AND SHOWN ON INSTANT REPLAY REPLAY REPLAY FORD: (Whispers to Romana) Well, it worked the last time I used it. Your turn. ROMANA: (To Ford) Pretend you're my house pet. Quickly! FORD: Have you gone spare? ROMANA: Just DO IT! FORD: Ok, ok. ROMANA: (To Dalek, in bad Midwestern accent) Well, Dave, I'm Prunella Chutney of East West, Indiana, and this is my pet gorilla, Ivan. Say hello to Dave, Ivan. FORD: (Humiliated) OOH OOH OOH DALEKe: AND WHAT DOES YOUR GORILLA DO DO DO ROMANA: He plays the drums. (Grabbing two plastic rods nearby) Here, Ivan, play the drums for Dave. Over near the War Computer, Ivan. FORD: OOH OOH OOH (Starts banging on the various consoles) OOH OOH OOH ROMANA: Harder, Ivan...Over near the War Computer. FORD: OOH OOH OOH Bloody hell. OOH OOH OOH FORD STARTS BREAKING THE COMPUTER BANKS BY HITTING THEM HARD. HE HITS THE WAR COMPUTER CONSOLE. THE CIGAR FALLS FROM DAVE'S MOUTH. DAVE: ...the LOTTO maCHINE is BRO-KEN...ooooooh, where am I? I must be on a rerun...it feels like a rerun. DALEKe: THAT WAS REALLY CUTE HAL CAN WE SEE THAT AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN ROMANA: Let's get out of here...quickly, before they notice. Back to my Tardis! DAVE: Romana, who's this guy you're with...and what's that fish doing in his ear? ROMANA: I'll explain later...now, let's GO! ROMANA, DAVE AND FORD EXIT. DALEKe: IS MAVEL PARFNORD BACKSTAGE? MAVEL PARFNORD AND HER FERRET SYLVESTER? SCENE 3: BACK IN THE TARDIS DAVE: Great...so we're back, but we still don't know how to get to the Locksmith Guardian. And my mouth is cramping something awful...like I've been smoking a cigar for about a week. FORD: Locksmith Guardian? ROMANA: You know him? FORD: Not personally, but I do have his address. Just a tick... (Pulls up electronic book, taps a few buttons, shrieks in horror) AAAHHH! Wrong man. ROMANA: What happened? FORD: I pressed the wrong button and got a biography on a certain gentleman called Adams. He's quite mad, you know. Wrote such awful things about me. None of it ever happened. Mad as a hatter. Well, let's try again. Ahhh, Locksmith Guardian, here it is (tears off printout from top of book). ROMANA: Earth? In-dye-anna-pohlis? DAVE: Lemme see that. Ohhh, Gaaad. Heee hee hee. I just don't believe this. Hee hee hee. 'Location: Indiannapolis, Indiana, United States, North America, Earth, Sol, Milky Way'... 'Dwayne T. Schneider.' Now, this just HAS to be a really, really BAD dream. ROMANA: Do you know him? DAVE: Yeah, in a manner of speaking. FORD: Don't forget me... ROMANA: Yes, where was it you wanted to go? FORD: Eroticon-6. I have an, er, appointment there. ROMANA: Eroticon-6 it is. Let's go! DAVE: What is it the guy says on that show? (Lifts hand and lowers it slightly in karate chop motion) Engage. Hee hee hee... ------------- ROMANA 'N DAVE WILL BE BACK WITH ANOTHER EPISODE VERY SOON...IN THE MEANTIME, R 'N D ARE ACCEPTING...READER MAIL! JUST SEND YOUR QUESTION WITH A SUBJECT LINE OF 'ROMANA 'N DAVE READER MAIL' TO R 'N D, CARE OF 'tgolden@cup.portal.com' ON INTERNET. *DON'T* SEND IT TO rec.arts.drwho. DAVE WILL HYPOTHETICALLY ANSWER READER MAIL IN AN UPCOMING EPISODE. HE HYPOTHETICALLY CROSSES HIS HEART (or is it crosses his hypothetical heart? It's hypothetically crosses his hypothetical heart, I think...) ------------- -- bdw@rwing.UUCP (Brian D. Wright) Seattle, WA ...!uunet!pilchuck!rwing!bdw ...!uw-beaver!sumax!polari!/ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. From: IN%"raymond@math.berkeley.edu" 20-MAR-1990 08:41:36.25 To: _TERRY CC: Subj: The file `romana.5' Received: from CUNYVM.BITNET by SPCVXA.BITNET; Tue, 20 Mar 90 08:40 EST Received: from CUNYVM by CUNYVM.BITNET (Mailer R2.03B) with BSMTP id 6775; Tue, 20 Mar 90 08:37:28 EST Received: from bosco.berkeley.edu by CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU (IBM VM SMTP R1.2.2MX) with TCP; Tue, 20 Mar 90 08:37:24 EST Received: by bosco.berkeley.edu (4.0/1.33(math)) id AA10138; Tue, 20 Mar 90 05:38:42 PST Date: Tue, 20 Mar 90 05:38:42 PST From: raymond@math.berkeley.edu Subject: The file `romana.5' To: terry@spcvxa.bitnet Message-id: <9003201338.AA10138@bosco.berkeley.edu> X-Envelope-to: terry [Your comments on the mail server would be greatly appreciated.] From: tgolden@cup.portal.com (Thomas Henry Golden) Newsgroups: rec.arts.drwho Subject: Romana 'n Dave Date: 13 Feb 90 02:30:27 GMT ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom Golden EPISODE #5: REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 1 OUR STORY SO FAR: Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate Dwayne T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time, have just escaped the Daleks on planet Thertirok VI-H. But a far more painful and inconvenient evil awaits them... SCENE 1: GALLIFREY, A DARK CHAMBER BENEATH THE CITADEL...THE TIME SCOOP ROOM! THE VIEWSCREEN SILENTLY SHOWS ROMANA 'N DAVE IN THE CONSOLE ROOM OF HER TARDIS. DAVE IS THROWING PENCILS AT THE ROUNDELS WHILE ROMANA BUSILY CHECKS VARIOUS PANELS ON THE CONSOLE. A GLOVED HAND REACHES FOR A RED LEVER NEAR THE VIEWSCREEN... THE LEVER IS PULLED. R 'N D REACT IN SURPRISE AND THEN THE VIEWSCREEN GOES DARK. A SMALL FIRE HYDRANT, A TALL, GOOFY LOOKING STATUETTE AND A SMALL, GRACEFUL STATUETTE APPEAR ON THE CONSOLE IN FRONT OF THE VIEWSCREEN. THE HAND PULLING THE LEVER IS ATTACHED TO...NONE OTHER THAN COLIN BAKER (AS HIMSELF)! COLIN: Ah, dressed in black as I always wanted. And finally playing a part which I am truly uniquely suited for...the wronged hero... a British...RAMBO!...I can be evil and destructive and still come out lovable and smelling like the proverbial rose! Romana, my dear, I am so sorry to use you as a pawn in this game, but the BBC must be made to suffer for dismissing me, so... prematurely. (Grins his trademark Alfred E. Neuman/Charlie Manson grin) SCENE 2: A BBC SCREENING ROOM THE SCREEN ON WHICH R 'N D WAS BEING SHOWN SUDDENLY GOES BLANK. THE PRODUCER, A BEARDED MAN WEARING A LOUD HAWAIIAN SHIRT, SUDDENLY TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT THE DIRECTOR FOR AN ANSWER...THE DIRECTOR, WEARING A BLUE SHIRT AND TAN PANTS, SHRUGS AND SAYS... HAL: I'll get Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute and see if he can fill in while we try to find them, boss. BOSS: Good. I'll release a memo saying that there is no question that Romana 'n Dave will continue. Hmmm...maybe I'd better get some new series in the pipeline just in case... SCENE 3: THE DEATH ZONE ON GALLIFREY ROMANA 'N DAVE LEAVE THE TARDIS. IN THE DISTANCE IS THE DARK TOWER OF GALLIFREY, RASILLON'S TOMB. ROMANA: This place looks familiar... DAVE: EVERY place looks familiar to you -- when you've been stuck in a rock quarry for 23 years! What the HELL hit us? It looked like the obelisk from the movie 2001 -- or maybe a very large dark chocolate bar! ROMANA: That's it! The TIME SCOOP...we must be in the DEATH ZONE on Gallifrey! DAVE: Gallifrey? Is that in New Jersey? ROMANA: NO! This is my HOME PLANET! What is it you say -- Get a clue? DAVE: The ZONE of DEATH? Is that like fifty feet around the bathrooms in Yankee Stadium? ROMANA: David, shut up, listen to me and do EXACTLY what I say. We are in *grave* danger. We could be killed at any moment -- or even worse -- DAVE: Cancelled? ROMANA: Precicely. DAVE: Got it. Y'know, I got cancelled once a while back. And if you've ever been cancelled, you know what that feels like (*) -- [ (*) - thanks to Paul Christopher Workman for suggesting a vintage Dave-ism ] ROMANA: LOOK! What are they? DAVE: Suits...briefcases, yeah, they're GE executives all right, and they're after us. Quick, let's hide. ROMANA: What can GE executives do to us? DAVE: Something worse than death -- cut off our expense accounts. ROMANA: Let's hide. SCENE 4: PRODUCER'S OFFICE AT THE BBC THE 'BOSS' IS TALKING TO A THEATRICAL AGENT, BARRY ECZEMA (Played by PAUL DARROW -- Avon in Blakes Seven) BARRY: Well, John, you do seem to have a problem...your two stars suddenly disappear in mid-telecast (smiles) without a trace. I do so sympathize with your situation. BOSS: Zamfir seems to be holding the attention of the Americans for now, but our own audience seems to be catching on. BARRY: Yes, well, they don't appreciate Zamfir's talent quite the same way the Americans do. In any event, Zamfir's capabilities as a Network Time-Waster will be stretched to their limit quite soon. Have you given any thought to...a more...permanent... replacement? BOSS: Barry, I'm confident that Romana 'n Dave will turn up shortly... and if they don't, I have a number of other new and original ideas in the pipeline. For example, I'm casting for a show right now -- 'The Fall and Rise of Roland Perrin the Rat'. BARRY: Ah yes (smiles falsely but graciously) surely a winner and a landmark in British television history. You know, A mutual friend of ours just happens to be available right now...one to whom you may owe a favor or two...and he could be persuaded into an interim arrangement -- for a reasonable amount. BOSS: Who do you have in mind? BARRY: Quite. (grins broadly) SCENE 5: BACK IN THE DEATH ZONE ROMANA 'N DAVE ARE RUNNING FROM A MOB OF -- CHER CLONES! DAVE: This is worse than a nightmare -- this must be PRIME TIME! I actually find myself wishing I was Pat Sajak! ROMANA: Just keep running, and thank God that you found that defective GE coffee maker which electrocuted the GE executives. DAVE: Yep, they really got a shock out of their coffee that time...hee hee hee. Wired, you might say. ROMANA: Oh no, it just occurred to me... DAVE: What? ROMANA: The cliffhanger for this episode is due just about...NOW! DAVE: OH MY GOD, WHAT'S THAT? -------------- NEXT WEEK: REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 2 ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom Golden EPISODE #6: REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 2 OUR STORY SO FAR: Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate Dwayne T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time, find themselves in the Death Zone on Gallifrey -- placed there by a vengeful COLIN BAKER (as himself). Meanwhile, Colin's agent, Barry Eczema (played by PAUL DARROW, Avon on Blakes Seven), has subliminally planted the idea of replacing Romana 'n Dave with Colin in the show's producer's mind. In the meantime, Romana 'n Dave have just encountered a cliffhanger... SCENE 1: THE DEATH ZONE DAVE: OH MY GOD, WHAT'S THAT? ROMANA: Hmmm...why would anyone put up such a large billboard in the middle of nowhere saying 'Oh my God, what's that?' in big capital letters? DAVE: Looks like we've lost the charge of the Cher brigade. Let's rest for a moment. ROMANA: I couldn't agree more. SUDDENLY, A SMALL MECHANICAL PINK RABBIT PLAYING A BASS DRUM ROLLS PAST R 'N D... ANNOUNCER: The ENERGIZER from Eveready just keeps going on and on and on and on... DAVE: I'll just pretend I didn't see that if you do. ROMANA: Sounds fine to me. A LARGE GEEKY AUSTRAILIAN GUY WIELDING A MALLET RUNS BY... JACKO: Oi! Where's the bleedin' pink rabbit wot stole my gig? ROMANA: He went that way. JACKO: Thanks, sheila. OI! Energizer...I'm comin' to surPRIZE yer'! ROMANA: Now I know why this place is the Zone of Death...the jokes alone are lethal. DAVE: Hey, you made a funny! Hee hee hee hee hee hee -- Paul, what did you think of that? PAUL: (From behind a rock) Great, Dave, she made a funny. (Sings) Romana-dvor-a-TREE-LOOOOOOOOOON-DARRR, she's a TIME-BAAAAAB-EEEE, and she MAAAAAAADDDDEEEE a FUNNNNN---EEEEE, a really big JOKE for DAAAAAAVE! (Pops back behind rock) DAVE: Thanks, Paul. SCENE 2: BBC CONFERENCE ROOM -- R 'N D'S PRODUCER ('BOSS'), STILL BEARDED AND WITH HAWAIIAN SHIRT, AND HAL GURNEE ARE ALONE BOSS: Well, the powers that be rejected my idea to pair Kate O'Mara and Joan Collins as 'The Two Rani's'... HAL: And K-9's been put out to stud -- producing Poquet PC's, I think. BOSS: Looks like we don't have an alternative...Get Colin and call Joan Rivers' agent. 'Colin 'n Joan' -- too much acid for one show, but if they liked Morton Downey Jr., ... HAL: Morton Downey's available... BOSS: Morton who? HAL: Ummm...Shouldn't we at least try to find Romana and Dave? BOSS: There is no question that the BBC are trying to find Romana and Dave. (Smiles) You are aware that, cost increases being what they are, a new program would have a bigger budget... and a higher salary for you as well. HAL: I like the way you put that. Yes, minister. SCENE 3: THE DEATH ZONE ROMANA: We must make our way to the Dark Tower -- it's our only way out of this. DAVE: Or we could make like Michael Landon and build a little house here, a little picket fence and 2 kids each with 1.5 hearts. C'mon Romana, what do you say...you and me? Hee hee hee hee... ROMANA: You're not serious, are you? DAVE: Oh, LIGHTEN UP, Time-babe! Hey, I have an idea...why don't we just travel to the Tower in your Tardis? ROMANA: David, some times you actually make up for being such a randy and cretinous little sod. DAVE: I'll take that as a compliment. Care for a cigar? ROMANA: Don't press your luck. Back to the Tardis... SCENE 4: THE TIME SCOOP ROOM COLIN IS VIEWING R 'N D ON ONE VIEWSCREEN AND TALKING WITH BARRY ON THE OTHER COLIN: So, have they made me an offer yet? BARRY: They are more than amenable to any reasonable offer I may make. Colin, my man, you shall have your revenge. You will be the star of a joint American and British television show which will be a milestone in television history. COLIN: Dempsey and Makepeace? BARRY: No, not THAT milestone...a NEW program, tailored to your own unique talents. COLIN: Good, good. Everything is going according to schedule. Did you manage to get Morgan Fairchild as my costar? BARRY: Aaaah, no. But your co-star is every bit as provocative in her own way. COLIN: Yes, well, who is it? BARRY: Joan Rivers. COLIN: Joan Rivers...Can we talk? BARRY: One and the same. COLIN PULLS THE RED LEVER. BARRY DISAPPEARS FROM THE VIEWSCREEN AND APPEARS IN THE DEATH ZONE. HE IS KILLED BY A MOB OF UNEMPLOYED ACTORS. COLIN: Ahh, well, time to get a new agent. -------------- NEXT WEEK: REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 3 ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom Golden EPISODE #7: REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 3 OUR STORY SO FAR: Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate Dwayne T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time, find themselves in the Death Zone on Gallifrey -- placed there by a vengeful COLIN BAKER (as himself). Meanwhile, Colin's agent, Barry Eczema, having not met Colin's expectations for a co-star in his proposed replacement series, found himself transported into the Death Zone and quickly killed by a mob of unemployed actors. SCENE 1: R 'N D PRODUCER'S OFFICE -- THE BEARDED, HAWAIIAN-SHIRTED 'BOSS', SEATED, IS TALKING TO HAL GURNEE, THE DIRECTOR... BOSS: I'm afraid there's still no word on Romana *or* Dave, and I haven't been able to reach Barry Eczema, either. HAL: OK, thanks, boss. By the way, would you like to contribute to the Romana 'n Dave Search Fund? BOSS: No thank you, I gave at the office. HAL: Oh...OK (trudges out of office) BOSS: (To himself) Well, not a bad day's work...Romana and Letterman trapped in the Death Zone...Colin forced to star with someone even more obnoxious than himself and soon to be caught red-handed using the Time Scoop...who knows what happened to Eczema -- something quite rash, I expect -- ha ha ha ha. It seems my plan is exactly on schedule. I think it's about time I paid a visit to a certain subterranean room on Gallifrey... THE BOSS PULLS OUT A WHISTLE, BLOWS IT AND SUDDENLY, OUT OF NOWHERE, A SEVEN-FOOT GONG WITH THE WORDS 'THE GONG SHOW' STENCILLED ON IT APPEARS. BOSS: It really *does* blend in with the surroundings! Hmmm...I...am... the...PRODUCER...and...you...will...o-BEY...ME! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA... THE BOSS STEPS BEHIND THE GONG, AND WITH A TARDIS-LIKE RUSH OF WIND, THE GONG DISAPPEARS. SCENE 2: THE TIME-SCOOP ROOM ROMANA'S TARDIS APPEARS SUDDENLY. ROMANA AND DAVE STUMBLE OUT OF THE TARDIS DAVE: Y'know, Romana, we've got to stop stumbling out of the Tardis like this... ROMANA: Doctor? COLIN: I'm not the Doctor, but I played one on television. DAVE: My oh my, we're filming a pain reliever commercial and I didn't even know about it. Wake the kids and phone the neighbors. COLIN: Sorry David, no commercial this time. DAVE: So you're the 'J.R.' of the U.K. So, be evil for the audience. COLIN: All right, I shall kill you where you stand. DAVE: Not THAT evil -- just *regular* evil. Steal a purse or something. COLIN: I didn't *think* you had the stomach. (To Romana) Look, I'm sorry for bringing you here -- it's just that this was the only way I could get the Beeb's attention. ROMANA: And why did you want the attention of the BBC? COLIN: Becuase they fired me, even though it wasn't *my* fault. The scripts I was handed were utter rubbish! I swear the producer was setting me up! I mean, what kind of mind would consider an ugly close up of me shrieking 'Peri!' an appropriate cliffhanger in my very first serial? SUDDENLY A LARGE GONG APPEARS AND THE PRODUCER COMES OUT FROM BEHIND IT BOSS: Surely you jest, Colin. Your acting skills are as sophisticated as Benny Hill, and about as subtle, too. You are a dreadful thespian, and everyone in this room knows it. COLIN: Hmmm...you LOOK like the producer I remember, but you don't quite SOUND or ACT like him. You are simply too straightforward in expressing yourself. Just WHO are you? Producers can't pilot a Tardis by themselves... BOSS: Quite right. THE BOSS REMOVES HIS DISGUISE, REVEALING HIMSELF TO BE...THE MASTER! (Played by Anthony Ainley, of course). HE PULLS OUT HIS TISSUE COMPRESSION ELIMINATOR AND POINTS IT AT OUR HEROES MASTER: I...am...the...PRODUCER...and...you...will...obey ME. Everyone into my Tardis. We have a little errand to run. Rassilon's tomb, all aboard! DAVE: This is getting too weird for me. I should have attended the rehersal. ROMANA, DAVE, COLIN AND THE MASTER ENTER HIS TARDIS... SCENE 3: RASSILON'S TOMB THE GONG APPEARS. ROMANA, DAVE, COLIN MARCH OUT FOLLOWED BY THE MASTER. COLIN: I suppose it would be too much to ask why we're here... MASTER: Not at all, Doc...er, Colin. You see, my special subject at university was not Astrophysics or Temporal Mechanics, but -- Comparative Drama and Acting. You see, as a Time Lord, I could have as many as 13 definitive performances of Hamlet. Quite a challenge -- not like this grotty temporal travelling business. SUDDENLY, A LARGE SOFT DRINK VENDING MACHINE APPEARS...THE SIGN ON THE FRONT READS 'DOCTOR WHO COLA -- THE TASTE OF A NEW REGENERATION'. THE FRONT OF THE VENDING MACHINE OPENS... ------------------ NEXT TIME: REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 4 ]ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom Golden EPISODE #8: REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 4 OUR STORY SO FAR: Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate Dwayne T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time, find themselves in the Death Zone on Gallifrey -- placed there by a vengeful COLIN BAKER (as himself). The Master, masquerading as Romana 'n Dave's producer, kidnaps R 'n D and Colin and takes them to Rassilon's Tomb in his Tardis (shaped like a large 'Gong Show' gong). SCENE 1: RASSILON'S TOMB THE GONG APPEARS. ROMANA, DAVE, COLIN MARCH OUT FOLLOWED BY THE MASTER. ROMANA: Do you feel a sense of fear in here -- like we should all leave at once? DAVE: Hey, I feel that every night, but I do my show anyway. Hee hee hee -- COLIN: I suppose it would be too much to ask why we're here... MASTER: Not at all, Doc...er, Colin. You see, my special subject at university was not Astrophysics or Temporal Mechanics, but -- Comparative Drama and Acting. You see, as a Time Lord, I could have as many as 13 definitive performances of Hamlet. Quite a challenge -- not like this grotty temporal travelling business. SUDDENLY, A LARGE SOFT DRINK VENDING MACHINE APPEARS...THE SIGN ON THE FRONT READS 'DOCTOR WHO COLA -- THE TASTE OF A NEW REGENERATION'. THE FRONT OF THE VENDING MACHINE OPENS...AND OUT WALKS 'MASTER THESPIAN' (Played by Jon Lovitz)! MASTER: Thespian! How did you get here? THESP: ACTING -- MASTER: (Annoyed) Thank you. Get over there or I'll destroy you with my Tissue Compression Eliminator -- and your ego will be shrunk down to mere life size. THESP: Ooohhh, to be struck down in my attempt to rescue my fellow thespian...Colin, my dear boy, how do you do? Have you heard from my other pupil, Schwarzenegger, lately? COLIN: Arnold is doing quite well these days. As for me, (Scratches back of head) rather badly, Master Thespian. I thought I had gotten my revenge, only to find that I was -- THESP: Acting? COLIN: No -- not acting, but a pawn in a much more devious game. MASTER: Pardon me, but I have the weapon and I believe it is my turn to speak. Anyway, as I was saying, my major at university involved acting. Science was always just a hobby of mine. A most profitable one, I might add. So you see, when you became the Doctor, you became my arch enemy -- a universe with a Doctor who is more of a ham than I am and can upstage me does not bear thinking about. With the show potentially to go into independent production, and the possibility that you may once again have the slightest chance of playing the Doctor, I had to do something. In addition, these two (points to R 'n D) have spoilt my chance to have my own show -- I've been negotiating with 'Mr. Mike' -- you know, the American who did the imitations of famous people who had long steel needles poked into their eyes some time ago? 'Mr. Mike 'n The Master' -- a trip into the sadomasochistic and merely painful...no moral, just random acts of meaningless violence'...a humorous show trully befitting me. COLIN: So we know why you are insane. Why are we here? DAVE: Y'know, I was just thinking that myself, although I don't seem to have any more lines in this scene, although Paul does. Paul? PAUL: (Pops up from behind tomb) Yeah, Dave doesn't have any more lines in this scene. (Pops back) MASTER: I am here to ask Rassilon, King of the Time Lords, for the Secret to Eternally High Ratings. Unlike the lady here, I can't just regenerate when the ratings go down. And I needed your help to get here. You see, my Tardis has been fitted with a large and rather cumbersome plot device which prevents me from getting here by myself. SUDDENLY, THE REAL PRODUCER (Cameo John Nathan-Turner) STEPS OUT OF THE VENDING MACHINE... JNT: You'll need a producer, won't you? MASTER: Oh NO, it's YOU! JNT: Yes, it's me. I think it's time you met with a rather ugly end. I'm going to... MASTER: No...NO...NOOOOOO! JNT: have you written out of the script. MASTER: NOOOOOOO! (Vanishes in a puff of white-out) JNT: (To Thespian) You look hurt. Are you well? THESP: Oh, I was ACTING...THNKYUUUU! COLIN: John, I was wondering...how did you come to meet Thespian, here? JNT: Well, you see, from your perspective I'm actually a future JNT, and future-Jon Lovitz here is the 9th Doctor -- we decided he should play the Doctor as 'Master Thespian'. We did try to have him play it as 'The Pathological Liar'... THESP: (In Pathological Liar voice) but the scarf got in the way... yeahhhh, that's the ticket...I kept tripping over the scarf. JNT: I had to save you so Romana 'n Dave could continue and I could collect enough money to buy the rights to 'Doctor Who'. Pity about Sylvester, but I hear that he and the ferret are quite happy and the crash-helmet and multiple bungee cords do not interfere with normal movement. COLIN: I'm glad that you lot are all sorted out...but what about me? JNT: I could try to get you a guest shot on one of those American baldness-cure shows -- you know, 'COLIN BAKER DISCOVERS...' COLIN: I'll take it! JNT: (to himself) (Sigh) I bet he plays in traffic, too. SUDDENLY, A LOUD THUNDEROUS NOISE EMANATES FROM THE BOWELS OF THE TOWER. THE IMAGE OF RASSILON (played by JOHN LAROQUETTE) APPEARS BEFORE THEM RASS: I am Rassilon, Lord of Time. You have invaded my resting place. State your business, and if there are any females present, take off your clothes. Just kidding! DAVE: Thank God you're NOT Chris Elliott! We were brought here by a weasel called The Master. He wanted you to give him the secret to Eternally High Ratings. ROMANA: All we want is to go in peace -- back to our own time streams. RASS: The Death Zone is littered with the bones of people who want high ratings. CBS is littered too, these days. Do you want the secret for yourself? ROMANA, DAVE, COLIN, JNT AND THESPIAN SUDDENLY SPOT A PILLAR OF SALT SHAPED LIKE JACKIE MASON IN THE BACKGROUND. THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS AND SAY 'NO'. RASS: You have made a wise decision. Very well, you may leave with my blessing. (Spots Romana) Or, you could stay a while. It has been a loooooong time since I've had any visitors, and even a Time Lord has needs. Tell you what...Let's go downstairs and you can watch me mud-wrestle a female Sontaran. ROMANA: (Puzzled) Sontarans aren't male or female -- they're cloned. RASS: (Classic deadpan take at Romana) What's your point? ROMANA: Ahhhummmm...We must be off. COLIN: I expect Zamfir will be starting into his repertoire of Marvin Hamlisch by now... RASS: Awww, I never have any fun. THESP: Yes you can -- Let me tell you about -- ACTING! RASS: Acting? THESP: THNKYU! If I can train Olivier, Barrymore, Burton...and... SCHWARZENEGGER...I can teach even an omnipotent Time Lord such as yourself, the joys of the stage. Lesson One -- (clutches at chest) I'm DYING! I can't breathe! My life is flashing before me...Ohhhh, the paaaainnnn, the paaaainnn... RASS: I'll save you! THESP: Not necessary -- ACTING! RASS: Acting? THESP: THNKYU! COLIN ENTERS THE MASTER'S TARDIS -- AND WE HEAR HIM CONVERSE WITH ANOTHER SURPRISE GUEST INSIDE...(*) COLIN: (Voice from within Tardis) Frobisher, is that really you? VOICE: No -- my name's Opus. Can you take me to Bloom County? (*) - This reference is possibly the most obscure I have yet made -- the explanation is contained at the end of this episode -TG ROMANA 'N DAVE ENTER HER TARDIS AND LEAVE JNT AND THESPIAN WITH RASSILON SCENE 2: BACK IN THE TARDIS DAVE: Y'know, Romana, I hope that when our time comes to walk away from this and into the TV Trivia Encyclopedias across the world, we leave with more dignity than that Colin guy. ROMANA: David, Colin didn't deserve what happened to him, good actor or bad. As long as there are bureaucrats who are more interested in putting their own stamp on BBC programming than preserving and protecting the rich treasures the BBC has brought to Earth, actors will continue to find themselves in Colin's situation. Besides, a show like ours can be easily recast, and is therefore much like a vampire -- actors die, but the show goes on and on and on... ANNOUNCER: Yes, Romana 'n Dave just keep going on and on and on and on and on and on... JACKO: (On viewscreen) Oi? Are you pullin' me leg, sheila? DAVE: Now that HAS to be Chris Elliott! -------------------- ROMANA 'N DAVE WILL RETURN SOON... EXPLANATION: Frobisher is the name of a penguin-like character who appeared with Colin Baker's Doctor in the comic book serials appearing in DOCTOR WHO Magazine a couple of years back. X-NEWS: spcvxa rec.arts.drwho: 367 Relay-Version: VMS News - V5.9C 19/12/89 VAX/VMS V5.3; site spcvxa.spc.edu Path: spcvxa!njin!rutgers!usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!ames!pacbell!well!tgolden Newsgroups: rec.arts.drwho Subject: Re: Romana 'n Dave Message-ID: <16837@well.sf.ca.us> From: tgolden@well.sf.ca.us (Thomas H. Golden) Date: 24 Mar 90 07:40:59 GMT Reply-To: tgolden@well.UUCP (Thomas H. Golden) References: <26873@cup.portal.com> <16477@well.sf.ca.us> <16479@well.sf.ca.us> <16663@well.sf.ca.us> Distribution: usa Organization: Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link, Sausalito, CA Lines: 280 R O M A N A ' N D A V E A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire, Hypothetically --------------------------- Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman No. 9 Written by Tom Golden AQUA-VALVA, Part 1 OUR STORY SO FAR: Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate Dwayne T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time, have managed to defeat the Master and thwart a futile attempt by Colin Baker to stage a comeback. After being saved by JN-T and Master Thespian (you had to read it, folks), our heroes finally manage to make it to Indianapolis on Earth to locate Schneider...but he's not home... SCENE 1: INSIDE THE LOBBY OF A LOS ANGELES SKYSCRAPER -- THE RECENT PAST ROMANA and DAVE exit her fire-hydrant Tardis and walk into the vast lobby. ROMANA David, do stick close -- the decor in this place looks like the tomb of the Cybermen. DAVE Aw, Romana, this is the way a lot of skyscrapers look. Just think how many chromes had to be cut down to build this place...hee hee hee. ROMANA Are chromes native to Earth? DAVE Oh, I forgot, you aren't from around here, are you. I made a funny. Y'see, chrome is metal and its component parts are mined... (getting irritated) oh, never mind. ROMANA But you said that they *were* mined? DAVE No -- 'Never mind' as in forget it. ROMANA Ah, I see. Well, we had better look for a reputable investigative agency to assist us in locating Mister Dwayne T. Schneider, hadn't we. After all, I don't have a Schneider locator device which I could easily plug into the console. Hmmmm...here are some...fascinating... hieroglyphs which indicate...the...angularity of man... and the... suppleness of woman. Quite simplistic... elegant... and *recent*. David, I thought people of this period wrote using groups of characters? DAVE Hey, Time-Lady Leakey -- you're reading the bathroom doors. For somebody as smart as you are, you are terribly naive sometimes. And nosy, too. ROMANA Nosy? DAVE Aggressively nquiring into other people's business. Or, as they say in Indiana, bidness. When we landed in Indianapolis and found that Schneider wasn't there, you found and read the note he left for one of the tenants. ROMANA But it was addressed to *me*. DAVE No ma'am. It was addressed to Miz Romano -- NOT Miz Romana. ROMANA Well, it's just one character off...he could have been sending me a secret signal for all your limited mind could comprehend. DAVE Babe, you've been doing this too long. You need to relax. Let's hang around here for a while, have a couple of beers, get tanked and watch some ESPN at my house in Malibu? ROMANA Thank you, but I tasted one of your 'beers' before. I will never understand why, if you desire to medicate yourself by ingesting alcohol, why you dilute it with such vile grain flavorings? DAVE Because we received the secret and holy instructions from Spuds McKenzie, that's why...hee hee hee hee ROMANA I suppose this McKenzie fellow is some cult leader? DAVE Nope -- he's a dog. ROMANA Oh, there you go anthropromorphosizing again. DAVE Well excuse me -- I'll just wipe it up. Hee hee hee... ROMANA Why don't you and your primitive humor stay here while I go upstairs and find an investigator without embarassing myself. DAVE Aw, don't go away mad. ROMANA No -- I shall just go away. You are the mad one around here. Ohh! I can *never* remember how to operate these lift chambers! DAVE You push the 'UP' button, right...there. (Pushes it) ROMANA (Looks at Dave warmly) Thank you, David. DAVE Hey...you can push my buttons anytime. ROMANA (Waxing cold again) Cretinous git! (Elevator doors close) DAVE She's crazy about me. Hee hee hee hee... DAVE mills around the lobby, checking out the paintings and tenant directory. He looks around and notices something strange... DAVE Y'know, this place is awfully quiet for lunchtime on a weekday. In fact, there's nobody around at all. I wonder... (Checks the front doors) Locked! This must be a weekend. We landed a few days too early! I better go find Romana... Suddenly, ROMANA bursts out of the women's restroom. ROMANA David -- what are you doing on the twelfth floor? DAVE I'm not on the twelfth floor -- you're in the lobby. ROMANA Wait -- come here, with me, into the bathroom -- DAVE Are you serious? *NO* I don't go into women's bathrooms. Well, actually, I did once, but just to see what was in there. Lots of vending machines and stuff. And *chairs*! ROMANA Shut up and come in here NOW! DAVE (Reluctantly) Yes, mother... SCENE 2: THE BATHROOM DAVE Ok, where are the chairs? ROMANA Sshhh! Now, out the door again. DAVE But I'm just beginning to *like* being in here...Whoa! DAVE looks outside the bathroom and discovers... SCENE 3: THE TWELFTH FLOOR DAVE Beam me up, Scotty! ROMANA Wrong show...it's actually 'Put me down'. DAVE OK, you're short and your hair is stringy. ROMANA No, no, no, you don't understand -- oh, never mind. DAVE (In his pettiest voice) Oh, so chrome is 'never mined'? ROMANA Shut up, or I'll use the Master's TCE on you. DAVE Suits me fine -- I'll be just the right size to knock Ken's block off and show Barbie a really good time...hee hee hee -- Hey, Barbie -- once you've had a man who is fully functional AND flexible at *all* the joints, you'll never go back to plastic! ROMANA Look at this...a directory of the tenants on this floor. DAVE I just noticed the name of this building...it's AQUA-VALVA. That's an odd name for a building. Didn't some artist, Esso or Exxon or something, didn't he draw a picture of a bottle of after shave that empties into itself? ROMANA You're right. This place may be named AQUA-VALVA because it is a recursive space...Quick, back into the bathroom and the Tardis! It may be our only way out! DAVE (Turns around) Where's the bathroom? ROMANA Gone! DAVE They're never around when you need them. And I gotta go, too. ROMANA Well, if we can't go back, we'll just have to press on. Let's check the first detective agency while we're here... SCENE 4: IN FRONT OF THE 'REMINGTON STEELE' DETECTIVE AGENCY TOM BAKER, striding quickly down the hall, suddenly stops, recognizes Romana and smiles warmly... {OBSCURITY ALERT -- see below} TOM Romana? Is that you? Who is that chap you're with? Me? ROMANA No -- this is David. David, meet -- TOM Quite. (Grabs Dave's hands with both of his and shakes Dave forcefully) Glad to meet you. Any friend of Romana's is a stranger to me. (To Romana) What brings you here? ROMANA We're looking for a detective agency to help us find the Locksmith Guardian and unlock the Key to Time. TOM Well, it seems the White Guardian thinks quite highly of you -- to use you twice in one lifetime. As for that detective agency (smiles) you could do worse. But don't tell them that I was here or that I recommended them. By the way, if you see a tall blond fellow, calls himself Julian Glover -- mad as a hatter -- thinks I've killed some people. I wonder if he isn't some errant manifestation of Scaroth, last of the Jaggaroth. Anywy, you've never seen me (puts finger to his nose), right? ROMANA Right. Good bye! TOM Good bye! (Exits quickly) DAVE Now there's a candidate to play Charlie Manson if ever I saw one! ROMANA Nonsense...he's as gentle as a lamb! Right. Let's go inside. DAVE Or more like an evil sheep. OK, after you -- I just hope it's a men's bathroom, that's all. They open the door -- a man and woman can be heard to be arguing... LAURA Steele, if you don't tell me your REAL FREAKING NAME this INSTANT, I'm going to DROP you WHERE YOU STAND! STEELE But Miss Holt, you must understand, I have many names, many places...Laura, put that gun away...I know you are a trained shot...Laura, be reasonable! LAURA Coward! BANG! CRUMPLE-THUD! LAURA Oh my GAHD, Mistah Steele -- I didn't know the gun was *loaded*! (sob) Oh no, please God, don't let him die... STEELE Where's that grace under pressure you're known for? I think I'll be quite fine, Miss Holt. While I have lost one from your bullet, I do still have another. But, just to be safe, I think would be appropriate at this moment to call me an ambulance. DAVE (Whispering to Romana) OK, he's an ambulance. ROMANA Sshhh! DAVE OK, so this is the past...so can we interfere now? ROMANA Be *quiet*! LAURA The phone's dead! STEELE ...and a tourniquet doesn't even bear thinking about. Why don't you get the first aid kit and I'll bandage myself up as best I can. ROMANA Ahem...Excuse me... STEELE Ah, good morning to you. Remington Steele, at your service -- and allow me to introduce my trusted, if a bit excitable, assistant, Laura Holt. DAVE (To himself) I'm in couch potato heaven, that's what it is...hee hee hee...wake the kids, phone the neighbors, and flood the net with urgent E-mail! Hee hee hee... -------------------- NEXT TIME: AQUA-VALVA, Part 2 {OBSCURITY ALERT -- Tom Baker (Doctor #4) and Julian Glover (Scaroth in 'City of Death') appeared in a Remington Steele episode. Baker played an insane villain and Glover was his Interpol pursuer.} PS: 'Reader Mail' to Dave will not be written at this time, due to the extremely poor response (less than 5). Thanks to those of you who did send Dave some 'Reader Mail' -- he hypothetically appreciates it. -TG PPS: These episodes are being sent to Usenet via my account on The WELL -- due to a problem with my account on PORTAL which is being investigated. However, I would be most appreciative if you would direct comments, questions, suggestions, requests to me on PORTAL -- 'tgolden@cup.portal.com' Thanks-TG R O M A N A ' N D A V E A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire, Hypothetically --------------------------- Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman No. 10 Written by Tom Golden AQUA-VALVA, Part 2 OUR STORY SO FAR: Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate Dwayne T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time, find themselves trapped in a Los Angeles skyscraper apparently designed by a fan of M. C. Escher -- bathrooms lead to different floors and there is no way out. Even worse, the skyscraper seems to be filled with TV detective agencies, and the first one our heros stumble upon is the Remington Steele agency... SCENE 1: THE REMINGTON STEELE DETECTIVE AGENCY ROMANA Ahem...Excuse me... STEELE (Gets up off the floor with great difficulty. His pants are stained with blood) Ah, good morning to you. Remington Steele, at your service -- and allow me to introduce my trusted, if a bit excitable, assistant, Laura Holt. DAVE (To himself) I'm in couch potato heaven, that's what it is...hee hee hee...wake the kids, phone the neighbors, and flood the net with urgent E-mail! Hee hee hee... ROMANA How do you do. I am known as Romana, and this fellow is my companion David. DAVE Hi...Grotesquely nice to meet you both. LAURA What can we do for you? ROMANA Well, we were going to ask you to assist us in locating someone, but we'd be quite content if you could help us get to the lobby. STEELE Well, my dear, that would be quite simple. You just head into my office, out Miss Holt's office, into the bathroom and out the third stall, and you are...hmmm...that doesn't make any sense. I know that's how you get out, but it just sounds... DAVE Stupid? STEELE No...just odd. ROMANA Since you inhabit this building, you probably aren't capable of perceiving its dimensional anomalies. DAVE No they aren't! The anomalies are over in the fish tank, there! Hee hee hee... ROMANA David, I know it taxes you, but do try to be serious. DAVE (Condescending) Sorry, mommy. Suddenly, two British thugs burst into the office. They pull machine guns on our heroes and the detectives... THUG #1 OI! You, tall bloke! Where'd you hide the paintings? DAVE Oh damn, it's the Warhol police! Hee hee hee hee THUG #2 Oi! Not you, Yank! You -- the pretty one! DAVE Well, thanks *a lot*! A guy exercises, eats right and, still, it's *just not enough* to get noticed! LAURA Paintings? We don't know anything about any paintings -- THUG #1 Shut yer gob, lady. You, pretty boy, tell 'em about the painting you had us steal -- only to squeal on us and take the goods for yourself... STEELE (Nervous) I'm sure I've never met either of you. Why don't you put the guns down and let's talk...like *rational* people -- THUG #2 I'm tired of listening to you, you slimy weasel. Get 'im! The thugs rush toward Steele in an attempt to thrash him severely. LAURA (Rushes to help him) Steele! DAVE I think this is where we came in...why don't we head for the big guy's office and out of here... ROMANA Normally, I would accuse you of cowardice, but in this case, I'm right behind you. PAUL (Pops up from behind the desk, singing) She's RIGHT BEHINNNNNNND YOOOOOOOU, DAAAAAAVE! She's FOLLLLLLOOOOOOWING YOU ALLLLLLLLL THEEEEEEEE WAAAAAAAAAAAY! THUG #1 OI, you! Shut yer singin' gob! (Fires gun at Paul) PAUL You missed! I'll see that you never work in this town again! (Pops behind desk) Our heroes run into Steele's office and look for the door to Laura Holt's office... SCENE 2: STEELE'S OFFICE ROMANA (Opening closet) The woman's office isn't through here... David, what would a Terran male do with a closet full of these garments? (Picks up an open box marked 'LACY PANTIES AND BRAS') DAVE (Searching through the office) What kind of garments? ROMANA The label says 'Maidenform'. DAVE Probably some kind of royalty for his commercial work. ROMANA What? DAVE Never mind. Bring a couple of those garments over here -- No, no, no, just kidding! Come over here...look at this... ROMANA Have you found the exit? DAVE No...I was just thinking how nice it would be to have a bathroom like this in my office. ROMANA David...maybe it's a way out! DAVE (Confused, then faking) I knew that. Let's go in, shall we? Our heroes enter the bathroom. David plays with the faucets, and Romana slaps his hand. The door opens, our heroes gasp... DAVID ADDISON, fresh from a weekend binge (i.e. unshaven, sunglasses, boxer shorts with hearts on them), stares at them for a moment, shuts the door, then opens it again... ADDISON Whoa, folks, if ya wanta join the Mile-High club, ya need to turn the 'Occupado' sign on, *capisce*? Do I know you? Did I know you? (To Romana) In the Biblical sense? Nope, I guess not...you don't have the Addison trademark smile on that kisser of yours. Would you like to know me? In the Biblical sense? (To Dave) I don't mind sharing if you don't. (Moans) Look, kids, I don't want to keep you, but I feel a distinct need to worship the porcelain king...and unless you enjoy wearing a technicolor yawn, you'd better step aside if you get my drift... DAVE Romana, get out of his way. ROMANA But, I thought you said that they don't worship -- DAVE Move...NOW! Our heroes step out of Addison's way. He rushes into the bathroom, closes it behind him, and we hear a flush. ROMANA What exactly is the 'Porcelain King'? I thought -- Dave wispers in her ear... ROMANA I see. Well, that's what happens when one insists on ingesting toxic substances. DAVE Among other, more pleasurable sensations. But I suppose you'd rather regenerate than regurgitate. Hee hee PAUL (Pops up from behind Addison's desk, singing) REGENERATE, REGURGITATE, Let's call the whole thing off! (Pops back behind desk) DAVE Thanks, Paul. Suddenly, a fist pounds on the door to Addison's office. Addison is heard in the bathroom, moaning from the noise... MADDIE Da-VID! I KNOW you're in there. I want to TALK to you... NOW! DAVE Uh-oh, it's the Cover Girl from Hell herself! Quick, Romana, hide, before she makes you feel inadequately dressed and coiffed... Romana, taking him seriously, hides. David, suddenly sensing that maybe hiding might be a good idea under the circumstances, hides as well. A key is heard unlocking Addison's door...the door opens and a plunger can be seen protruding into the office... ROMANA (Whispering) Daleks! DAVE (Whispering) Plumbers! -------------------- NEXT TIME: AQUA-VALVA, Part 3 R O M A N A ' N D A V E A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire, Hypothetically --------------------------- Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman No. 11 Written by Tom Golden AQUA-VALVA, Part 3 OUR STORY SO FAR: Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate Dwayne T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time, find themselves trapped in a Los Angeles skyscraper apparently designed by a fan of M. C. Escher -- bathrooms lead to different floors and there is no way out. Even worse, the skyscraper seems to be filled with TV detective agencies. Our heroes, having just escaped a violent thrashing in the Remington Steele agency, find themselves now in David Addison's office in the Blue Moon detective agency. SCENE 1: BLUE MOON DETECTIVE AGENCY -- ADDISON'S OFFICE A fist pounds on the door to Addison's office. Addison, in the bathroom, throwing up, reacts to the noise by moaning after each set of pounds... MADDIE Da-VID! I KNOW you're in there. I want to TALK to you... NOW! DAVE Uh-oh, it's the Cover Girl from Hell herself! Quick, Romana, hide, before she makes you feel inadequately dressed and coiffed... Romana, taking him seriously, hides. David, suddenly sensing that maybe hiding might be a good idea under the circumstances, hides as well. A key is heard unlocking Addison's door...the door opens and a plunger can be seen protruding into the office... ROMANA (Whispering) Daleks! DAVE (Whispering) Plumbers! Suddenly, Maddie Hayes bursts into the office, brandishing a plunger. MADDIE Da-VID! Do you know what I spent this morning doing, while YOU were still sleeping off your little weekend escapade? I was UNCLOGGING your TOILET, that's what! I don't even want to TALK about what came back up when I plunged, but LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MISTER -- YOU THROW THEM AWAY -- YOU DON'T FLUSH THEM! Addison staggers out of the bathroom. ADDISON But I like flushing ping-pong balls down the toilet -- it gives the Tidy-Bowl man something to play with! MADDIE OooooOOOOOOH! Addison. In my office. NOW! ADDISON Did you happen to see a couple wandering out of my office? MADDIE A couple of what? ADDISON A couple, a couple, like you and I ain't. MADDIE Oh, a couple -- ADDISON A couple -- MADDIE A couple. No, I didn't see a couple come out of your office. ADDISON You didn't, huh? MADDIE I didn't. ADDISON Sure? MADDIE Sure. ADDISOIN Positive? MADDIE Positive. ADDISON Fine. MADDIE Fine. ADDISON Good. MADDIE Good. ADDISON I gotta stop drinking vodka with the worms in it. Lemme put my pants on and I'll be right over. MADDIE (Coldly) Don't forget to zip your fly. (Slams door) ADDISON (Moans) Ohhhh, I need enough hair of the dog to shave a Labrador bald. Ohhhhhhh. (Puts on pants, leaves office) ROMANA Whew! That was close. I don't think I could have faced Daleks after this lot. DAVE I would have welcomed Daleks. Nay, I would have *encouraged* them -- at least it would have made some sense. I mean, there's something about this Aqua-Valva building... ROMANA Oh... (Smiles broadly and laughs) DAVE What? ROMANA You made a joke -- and I understood it! DAVE No I didn't. ROMANA Yes you did! 'There's something about this Aqua-Valva building'! Get it? DAVE Oh, God, we're in trouble now. Romana, what do you say we quietly sneak out of the office and present ourselves to the receptionist? Before more thugs break in and attempt to violently thrash us? ROMANA Good idea. Let's. SCENE 2: BLUE MOON AGENCY, MAIN AREA Miss DIPESTO is on the phone... DIPESTO No, that's not what 'Blue Moon' means. It has nothing to do with cold weather. Sorry. (Presses button) Hello, Blue Moon Detective Agency -- We aim to please, our aim is true, we'll find anything you ask us to; our agents are professional, our rates are reasonable, our...oops, I've worked myself into a corner...may I help you? Hello? Hello? (Hangs up) Oh well. (To our heroes) May I help you? DAVE You didn't rhyme. DIPESTO What? DAVE Just now, when you were on the phone -- you couldn't find a rhyme. In the *real* show, DiPesto was always able to come up with a rhyme. ROMANA What are you getting at? DAVE Nothing...for now. We would like to talk to your bosses. We want them to find someone for us. DIPESTO One moment. (Picks up the phone and presses a button) Miss Hayes? There's a couple to see you. (Pause) A couple, like you and Mister Addison aren't. (Pause) Okay. (Hangs up the phone, talks to our heroes) Miss Hayes will be with you in just a moment. Can I bring you a cup of coffee while you're waiting? DAVE (To himself) Hmmmm...Romana gets my jokes, DiPesto can't always rhyme... Laura actually shoots Steele...and I'm thinking seriously about our predicament. This must be the work of a truly evil mind...with a bad memory of TV shows... -------------------- NEXT TIME: AQUA-VALVA, Part 4