X-NEWS: spcvxb.spc.edu rec.humor.funny: 6119 Xref: spcuna rec.humor.funny:6119 Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: cbuckley@vangogh.cs.tcd.ie (Colm Buckley) Organization: Computer Science Dept, Trinity College Subject: Letter to Reader's Digest Keywords: chuckle Approved: funny-request@clari.net Path: spcuna!uunet!in2.uu.net!looking!funny-request Message-ID: Date: Thu, 21 Sep 95 19:30:05 EDT Lines: 67 Here's a letter I sent in response to a more-annoying-than-usual missive from the Reader's Digest Association complaining that I hadn't paid for a book. Some people might enjoy it. ----------- (Address deleted) 14th September 1994 J. Clark The Reader's Digest Association Ltd Pegasus House Blagrove, Swindon SN17 6JJ England. Dear Mr (or, conceivably, Mrs, Miss or Ms) Clark, We are in receipt of a form letter, dated the 5th of September 1994, bearing the reference number 0275456292 and a small amount of printer's ink purporting to be your signature, which informs us that we have "ignored repeated opportunities to pay" for a book which we ordered from your organisation some time ago, that our name is "now on our list of people who order products without paying for them", that "serious action is planned" against us, and that "a county court judgement against us could affect our ability to obtain credit in future". We would like to take this opportunity to inform you that we are in receipt of exactly 1 (one) previous request for payment, which, unless we have managed to mislay the arithmetic skills which we have all possessed since early childhood, does not qualify as "repeated opportunities to pay", that a cheque for the required amount was dispatched by surface mail to you on the 23rd of August last, and that, since we presume from your letter that you are not in receipt of this cheque, we are enclosing a replacement and cancelling the original. Furthermore, we wish you to know that your mailing-list information is incorrect with respect to our current address (the correct address is given above), that there are no "county courts" in Ireland, that the term "Irish Republic" is an inadmissible form of address for this country, rather as "Mainly-English-but-with-a-few-token-Celts in-theory-constitutional-monarchy-but-in-fact-rather-ineffective- undemocratic-bicameral-parliament-with-a-single-seat-constituency- based-lower-house-and-a-hereditary-unelected-upper-house-system" would be inadmissible in referring to our eastern neighbours, that our family have been ordering products from your organisation (and paying for them) for over twenty years, that the occasionally-superb book offers which we receive from you are the only reason why we have not long-since cancelled our subscription to your heavy-handed, simple-minded, right-wing propaganda vehicle, and that you might consider the possibility of an error in your mailing list (and consequent failure or delay in delivery) before dispatching threatening missives like that to which I refer. Keep up the good work. With best wishes, on behalf of our family, I remain, Yours sincerely, Colm Buckley -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. The "executive moderator" is Brad Templeton. Please! No copyrighted stuff. Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics, Clinton/Yeltsin/Gates meets God, or "OJ will walk" jokes.