X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.arts.drwho: 3089Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0 10/3/90 VAX/VMS V5.3; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!njin!rutgers!apple!portal!cup.portal.com!tgolden Newsgroups: rec.arts.drwho Subject: Romana 'n Dave #4 Message-ID: <34314@cup.portal.com> From: tgolden@cup.portal.com (Thomas Henry Golden) Date: 27 Sep 90 11:05:40 GMT Distribution: usa Organization: The Portal System (TM) Lines: 268 ============================================================================ R O M A N A ' N D A V E An Unauthorized Doctor Who/LATE NIGHT --------------------------- Parody featuring characters originally #4 Written by Tom Golden portrayed by Lalla Ward and David Letterman ============================================================================ 'ATTACK OF THE LETTERDALEKS' (AN UNEARTHLY JOKE / THE WAD OF GUM, Part 4) OUR STORY SO FAR: Romana 'n Dave find themselves still on planet Thertirok VI-H, on a quest to find the tools necessary to locate the Locksmith Guardian and unlock the Key to Time. Dave falls into the hands (or whatever) of the Imperial Daleks and is forced to link up mentally with their War Computer as their new 'Human Factor'. Meanwhile in the nearby Renegade Dalek encampment, Davros has superimposed himself on the hapless consciousness of Larry 'Bud' Melman and discarded his old chair -- replacing it with a brand new red tricycle so he can keep the same perspective on his work. Larry 'Bud' Davros now schemes with his Dalek subordinates on how best to overtake the Imperial force and prevent them from making use of their newly acquired 'human factor'. Back in the forest, Romana, accidentally knocked unconscious by a clumsy Imperial Dalek, wakes up to find Ford Prefect standing over her. He introduces himself as his semi-cousin Zaphod (don't ask -- this is a parody, read the original book) and asks if she can get him off Thertirok. ============================================================================ SCENE 1: LARRY 'BUD' DAVROS' HQ Larry 'Bud' Davros and company prepare to activate the spy camera placed in the Imperial HQ. LARRY-DAVROS Activate the viewscreen. DALEK #1 I OBEY The viewscreen lights up. The camera pans to reveal a Dalek covered in Velcro and hanging on a Velcro wall, one trying to play a keyboard with its plunger and a couple of Daleks running over tennis shoes in a vain attempt to put them on. Yet another Dalek, wearing a large necktie is swaying back and forth, trying to emulate Dave's way of using his lapels to move his tie back and forth on his neck. DALEK #1 (on viewscreen) THOSE DALEKS MISSING REHEARSALS WILL BE EXTERMINATED DALEK #2 EXTERMINATED HEE HEE HEE... EXTERMINATE WE'RE HAVING SOME FUN NOW DALEK #3 EXTERMINATED... HEE HEE HEE I AM A REAL DALEK... IF I WEREN'T COULD I DO THIS (blasts big hole in computer bank) DALEK #4 ...WEARING BLUE SHIRT, TAN PANTS AND BROWN BELT... THANKS FOR ASKING DAVE... LARRY-DAVROS (Visibly shaken) So...they've found their Human factor... but it's NOT a HUMAN factor -- it is a HUMOR factor. Of COURSE! How could I have missed it? FUNNY WAR! Daleks -- we must leave at ONCE! Back to Earth...we must find one named -- JAY LENO! Only he can counter the Imperial Daleks' HUMOR FACTOR. And, once I have converted Jay into one of my Daleks, I will be not only the most POWERFUL...BEING...IN... THE...UNIVERSE...BUT...THE...SILLIEST! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! There is a knock on the door. LARRY-DAVROS Open it -- see who it is, then exterminate him. DALEK #4 I OBEY (Opens door) GUY Here's your pizzas...all forty-five thousand... LARRY-DAVROS WHAAAT? GUY Pizza Planet...pizza to go...you order forty-five thousand large pizzas? LARRY-DAVROS I certainly did NOT. This must be...the ATTACK of the LETTERMAN DALEKS! THEY...WILL...PAY...FOR...THIS! GUY Nope, bud, YOU'LL pay for this. I ain't leaving until I get my money. LARRY-DAVROS Very well. Exterminate him. A Dalek moves forward to exterminate the Pizza Guy... GUY Uh uh...I'm with the union. The Dalek freezes, turns around and rolls away in terror. LARRY-DAVROS CURSES! Beaten by a bunch of late night mutants! Very well, pay him. (Looks at pizza man) You...bring one of those pizzas to me. GUY OK, here you are. LARRY-DAVROS (Downs a slice of the pizza) Delicious...and I thought I hated anchovies. GUY They aren't anchovies. LARRY-DAVROS Something artificial? GUY No...Dalek tentacles. Pizza Planet's specialty. LARRY-DAVROS (Spitting out pizza) AAAAUAUUUUUUGGGGHHHH! I'M...A... CANNIBAL! OUT! GET OUT! AAHHHHAHAHAUYUUUGH! THE HUMILIATION! SCENE 2: IMPERIAL DALEK HQ Imperial Daleks are huddled around a viewscreen, beers in 'hand'. Six-packs of beer and bags of potato chips are strewn everywhere. One Dalek has a lit cigar stuck in its eye-tube. They have been watching the events in Davros' HQ and are visibly (?) pleased with the outcome. IMP. DALEK #1 SUCCESS! WE HAVE SUCCEEDED IN HUMILIATING DAVROS. OUR NEXT OBJECTIVE IS NOW CLEAR...TRAVEL TO EARTH AND EXTERMINATE STINKING WEASEL G.E. EXECUTIVES... IMP. DALEKS EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE STINKING WEASELS EXTERMINATE ... Romana and Ford, having crept stealthily into the imperial HQ, are watching from behind a computer bank. On the other side of the room, Dave stares vacantly into space...A cigar wired to the War Console is in his mouth -- It appears that the cigar is the means by which the War Computer interfaces with his brain. ROMANA Looks like they've beaten Davros. Good -- they're occupied. If only the remaining Daleks will go into the next room. FORD Pardon me for asking, but, why don't we just LEAVE him here? As long as your Terran Yank git is plugged into their War Computer, they're basically harmless. Small price to pay, if you ask me. ROMANA Sorry, it just won't do...I can't believe I'm saying it, but I'm FOND of him...well, sort of. In any case, they don't need him -- A Dalek comes up behind them. IMP. DALEK #5 YOU ARE PRISONERS OF THE DALEKS...WHERE ARE YOU FROM AND WHAT IS YOUR PET'S NAME, PLEASE? YOUR PET'S NAME, YOUR PET'S NAME, NAME, NAME FORD Look, um, you've captured us, OK. And you're really a BRAVE Dalek for capturing us. I don't want to minimize that. But, since you already have us, and we can't get away, do you really need us here, as such? I was thinking, maybe the missus and I could just toddle over to a nearby pub, down a few, really *enjoy* ourselves, and then just quietly slip back into place when -- IMP. DALEK #5 SILENCE SILENCE OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED AND SHOWN ON INSTANT REPLAY REPLAY REPLAY FORD (Whispers to Romana) Well, it worked the last time I used it. Your turn. ROMANA (To Ford) Pretend you're my house pet. Quickly! FORD Have you gone spare? ROMANA Just DO IT! FORD Ok, ok. ROMANA (To Dalek, in bad Midwestern accent) Well, Dave, I'm Prunella Chutney of East West, Indiana, and this is my pet gorilla, Ivan. Say hello to Dave, Ivan. FORD (Humiliated) OOH OOH OOH IMP. DALEK #5 AND WHAT DOES YOUR GORILLA DO DO DO ROMANA He plays the drums. (Grabbing two plastic rods nearby) Here, Ivan, play the drums for Dave. Over near the War Computer, Ivan. FORD OOH OOH OOH (Starts banging on the various consoles) OOH OOH OOH ROMANA Harder, Ivan...Over near the War Computer. FORD OOH OOH OOH Bloody hell. OOH OOH OOH Ford starts breaking the computer banks by hitting them hard. He hits the War Computer console. The cigar falls from Dave's mouth. DAVE ...the LOTTO maCHINE is BRO-KEN...ooooooh, where am I? I must be on a rerun...it feels like a rerun. IMP. DALEK #5 THAT WAS REALLY CUTE HAL CAN WE SEE THAT AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN ROMANA Let's get out of here...quickly, before they notice. Back to my Tardis! DAVE Romana, who's this guy you're with...and what's that fish doing in his ear? ROMANA I'll explain later...now, let's GO! Romana, Dave and Ford exit. IMP. DALEK #5 IS MAVEL PARFNORD BACKSTAGE? MAVEL PARFNORD AND HER FERRET SYLVESTER? SCENE 3: BACK IN THE TARDIS DAVE Great...so we're back, but we still don't know how to get to the Locksmith Guardian. And my mouth is cramping something awful...like I've been smoking a cigar for about a week. FORD Locksmith Guardian? ROMANA You know him? FORD Not personally, but I do have his address. Just a tick... (Pulls up electronic book, taps a few buttons, shrieks in horror) AAAHHH! Wrong man. ROMANA What happened? FORD I pressed the wrong button and got a biography on a certain gentleman called Adams. He's quite mad, you know. Wrote such awful things about me. None of it ever happened. Mad as a hatter. Well, let's try again. Ahhh, Locksmith Guardian, here it is (tears off printout from top of book). ROMANA Earth? In-dye-anna-pohlis? DAVE Lemme see that. Ohhh, Gaaad. Heee hee hee. I just don't believe this. Hee hee hee. 'Location: Indiannapolis, Indiana, United States, North America, Earth, Sol, Milky Way'... 'Dwayne T. Schneider.' Now, this just HAS to be a really, really BAD dream. ROMANA Do you know him? DAVE Yeah, in a manner of speaking. FORD Don't forget me... ROMANA Yes, where was it you wanted to go? FORD Eroticon-6. I have an, er, appointment there. ROMANA Eroticon-6 it is. Let's go! DAVE What is it the guy says on that show? (Lifts hand and lowers it slightly in karate chop motion) Engage. Hee hee hee... ============================================================================ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (C) 1990 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr. Certain characters and references which appear in this parody are copyrighted by or trademarks of NBC, or BBC Enterprises, or other persons or organizations. This work is released into the public domain on condition that it be distributed intact as provided by the author, and without intention of commercial use or profit. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------