X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.arts.drwho: 3088Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0 10/3/90 VAX/VMS V5.3; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!njin!rutgers!apple!portal!cup.portal.com!tgolden Newsgroups: rec.arts.drwho Subject: Romana 'n Dave #3 Message-ID: <34313@cup.portal.com> From: tgolden@cup.portal.com (Thomas Henry Golden) Date: 27 Sep 90 10:56:43 GMT Distribution: usa Organization: The Portal System (TM) Lines: 259 ============================================================================ R O M A N A ' N D A V E An Unauthorized Doctor Who/LATE NIGHT --------------------------- Parody featuring characters originally #3 Written by Tom Golden portrayed by Lalla Ward and David Letterman ============================================================================ 'THE LETTERMAN FACTOR' (AN UNEARTHLY JOKE / THE WAD OF GUM, Part 3) OUR STORY SO FAR: Romana 'n Dave find themselves still on planet Thertirok VI-H. The White Guardian (really Chris Elliott) informs them that the Black Guardian locked the Key to Time in a parallel universe and instructs them to find the Locksmith Guardian -- 'the supreme force for Schlage in the universe'. They must search the planet to obtain the necessary tools to find the Locksmith Guardian. They leave Romana's Tardis, which changes shape into a giant fire hydrant... What they don't know is that they have landed in the middle of the war between the Daleks -- Davros' new generation vs. the Imperial originals. The Imperials are on Thertirok to find a new source for their 'Human Factor' which makes them unpredictable and therefore able to cope with Davros' Daleks. Davros, in hot pursuit, has just landed, after a brief trip to Earth to pick up an important guest. ============================================================================ SCENE 1: DAVROS' HQ Two chambers -- labelled 'Chamber A' and 'Chamber B' are connected by lots of wire and equipment. Daleks are hurrying about in all directions. DAVROS Seat our guest in Chamber B. DALEK #1 (To guest) PRISONER LARRYBUD MELMAN MOVE MOVE MOVE INTO CHAMBER B MOVE LARRY 'BUD' (as if reading from cue cards) Get Away From Me, You Pepper Pots From Hell! AH HA HA HA HA HA! DALEK #1 MOVE INTO CHAMBER B OR YOU WILL BE EX-TERM-I-NA-TED LARRY 'BUD' Hey, Chill Out, Dudes. I'm Moving, I'm Moving. DAVROS And now I will enter Chamber A. On my signal, you will initiate the transfer sequence. DALEK #2 I OBEY DAVROS (Meglomaniacal soliloquy) This body has served me well. But now, even my advanced knowledge cannot save it from death. So...I shall simply transfer my essence into another body not unlike my own. You, Larry 'Bud' Melman, will assist me in living and carrying on my work. With your body, there is nothing I cannot do...no world I cannot conquer...and my Daleks, under my -- our -- leadership, will CONQUER...THE...UNIVERSE!!! SWITCH ON! DALEK #2 I OBEY Lots of really neat special effects -- Davros' body shrivels up inside his chair...and Larry 'Bud' develops an evil expression LARRY-DAVROS We ... Are ... Melman ... We ... Are ... Davros ... (stands up) I am Larry 'Bud' Davros -- an amalgam of both of the keenest minds in the Universe. Dispose of my old husk and chair... and bring me my new chair. DALEK #1 I OBEY ... DISPOSE OF CONTENTS OF CHAMBER A ... BRING DAVROS' NEW TRANSPORT VEHICLE DALEK #2 BRING NEW TRANSPORT VEHICLE DALEK #3 BRING NEW TRANSPORT VEHICLE DALEK #4 (Bringing what appears to be a shiny new tricycle) WHY DO I GET STUCK WITH ALL THE DIRTY JOBS WE ARE ALL IDENTICAL DALEK #3 (To Dalek 4) OBEY OR YOU WILL BE ASSIGNED TO OGRON LATRINE DUTY DALEK #4 I OBEY Larry 'Bud' Davros sits down on the tricycle and starts peddling around. LARRY-DAVROS Ahhh, I feel so *energetic*! I feel like I want to... EXTERMINATE something! DALEKS (In unison) EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE LARRY-DAVROS AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! SCENE 2: MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE FOREST DAVE Ah, this is just like a walk in Central Park. WATCH OUT, A MUGGER! Just kidding, just kidding -- hahahahahaha... ROMANA That was NOT funny, David. Look, there's a clearing...and beyond that are some buildings. We're nearly there. DAVE I can just make out the word 'TRUMP' on the front doors. ROMANA That's not possible -- they don't even speak English here. DAVE Yeah...and Donald Trump doesn't own NASA yet. You're probably right. Whoa... Romana and Dave are surrounded by Imperial Daleks... IMP. DALEK #1 HALT HALT IMP. DALEK #2 HALT HALT OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED DAVE What the HELL is this, Romana? I don't think I've ever been held up by mutant Mobil gas pumps before... ROMANA David, these petrol pumps are armed -- they're called 'Daleks' and they are VERY dangerous. Just do what they say and I'll try to come up with a way out of this. IMP. DALEK #1 SILENCE SILENCE YOU WILL COME TO IMPERIAL DALEK HEADQUARTERS FOR INTERROGATION MOVE MOVE MOVE IMP. DALEK #2 MOVE MOVE MOVE One of the Daleks spins around, accidentally hitting Romana in the head with its plunger. Romana falls to the ground, unconscious. DAVE Oh, so you're SOOOO superior -- you've gone and HIT a WOMAN. OOOOOOOooooh, you mutant mobile slot machine, you -- Why don't you just PICK on someone your OWN SIZE? Geez, I just can't -- IMP. DALEK #3 SILENCE... MOVE OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED DAVE OK, ok, you don't have to tell ME thirteen times! Dave and the Daleks proceed to Imperial Dalek HQ. SCENE 3: DALEK HQ IMP. DALEK #1 YOU HAVE COMPLETED TESTS ON SUBJECT LET-TER-MAN. REPORT REPORT REPORT IMP. DALEK #2 SUBJECT LET-TER-MAN SHOWS UTILITY MARGINALLY SUPERIOR TO POPULATION OF THIS PLANET... IDEAL CANDIDATE FOR HUMAN FACTOR REPLACEMENT IMP. DALEK #1 INSTALL SUBJECT LET-TER-MAN IN WAR COMPUTER CONSOLE IMP. DALEK #2 I OBEY DAVE Wait, so I tested well -- I always do well on tests! Can't we just sit down and, and, and just talk about it over some Romana 'n Dave brand burnt toast with marmalade? Awww, this isn't going to hurt, is it? Dave sits in the War Computer console chair. His face goes blank. IMP. DALEK #1 DALEKS PREPARE TO RECEIVE NEW INSTRUCTIONS FROM WAR COMPUTER IMP. DALEKS I OBEY I OBEY SCENE 4: BACK IN THE FOREST A short stranger in a pinstripe suit and argyle vest is walking through the forest. He is carrying a couple of electronic books, the word 'PANIC' being clearly visible on the front of one. Can it be? It is -- It's FORD PREFECT! Ford stumbles over Romana, who is still lying unconscious. FORD Well, what have we here? Shall I roll her for Altarian dollars? No, it wouldn't be sporting. I guess I should wake her up... or just walk by and pretend I didn't see anything. Ford takes a coin out of his pocket and flips it. FORD Heads...(reads coin) Damn! Well, I guess I'd better wake her. (Gently slapping her) Wake up, wake up...wake up... ROMANA Oooohh, my head. Who are you? FORD My name is...Zaphod. Zaphod Beeblebrox. And you are? ROMANA Romanadvoratrelundar. You may call me Romana. Beeblebrox -- That's Betelgeusian, isn't it? BETELGEUSE (Cameo) Just say it 2 more times and...it's SHOWTIME! FORD What was that? Ah, my girl, you have me. Born and raised. ROMANA (Getting up) Well, what brings you to this planet? FORD Well, ah, I'm a writer for a new travel guide which is just starting up. It's for galactic business travellers who don't like to travel. It's called 'The Galaxxidental Tourist'. I'm checking out Thertirok for the next edition. I've been here 3 years now. It's really exciting -- not like the job I used to have, with a more dubious publication. What are *you* doing here? ROMANA We landed here by accident. We were ambushed by Daleks and my companion was taken away. FORD Bad news, those Daleks...landed here over the weekend. You'd think they took weekends off, but no, seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day, just exterminate, exterminate, exterminate. They've really put a damper on the neighborhood. ROMANA I'm sorry to hear that. Look, I really must dash, got to save my companion from certain death. FORD You wouldn't by any chance be in a position to leave the planet soon, would you? ROMANA Actually, I would. Why do you ask? FORD Well, allow me to explain... SCENE 5: BACK IN IMPERIAL HQ The Daleks have received the new programming and are acting accordingly. IMP. DALEK #1 LETTER NUMBER 1 LETTER NUMBER 2 LETTER NUMBER 3 ... IMP. DALEK #2 IF I WEREN'T A REAL DALEK, COULD I DO THIS (Wiggles plunger back and forth) IMP. DALEK #3 (Wearing large pair of sunglasses on its dome) ITS JUST A GROOVY TRIP TO BE HERE MAN...WHERE IS THE REST OF THE BAND... WHERE IS MY KEYBOARD IMP. DALEK #4 I'M WEARING A BLUE SHIRT TAN PANTS AND A BROWN BELT... THANKS FOR ASKING DAVE... I'M WEARING A BLUE SHIRT ... NEXT TIME: THE ATTACK OF THE LETTERDALEKS ============================================================================ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (C) 1990 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr., all rights reserved. 'Romana 'n Dave' is a satire, and by its nature must refer to certain char- acters, places and things which are copyrighted by or are trademarks of the National Broadcasting Company, BBC Enterprises, or other persons or entities. No permission or endorsement by those entities should be construed. This work may be distributed on condition that it MUST be intact as provided by the author, including this copyright notice, and that it MUST NOT be dis- tributed for profit. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Internet address: tgolden@cup.portal.com