X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.arts.drwho: 9719 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!dimacs.rutgers.edu!seismo!uunet!mcsun!uknet!ukc!dcl-cs!gdt!ch0mpc Newsgroups: rec.arts.drwho Subject: Quote Server (5) Message-ID: <1991Oct31.152936.22425@gdt.bath.ac.uk> From: ch0mpc@gdt.bath.ac.uk (Matt Clifton) Date: 31 Oct 91 15:29:36 GMT Organization: School of Chemistry, University of Bath, UK Lines: 490 This is the fourth part of the quote list. 415% You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your 415% name on it? 415% Yeeees.... 415% Well, I thought if I _owned_ the bullet with my name on it, I'd never 415% get hit...'cos I won't ever shoot myself. 415% Oh. Shame. 415% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook 416% And the chances of there being _two_ bullets with my name on them are 416% very small indeed. 416% Yes. That's not the only thing around here that's _very small indeed_. 416% Your brain, for example, is so _minute_, Baldrick, that if a hungry 416% cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to 416% cover a small water-biscuit. 416% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook 417% Tally ho, pip-pip, and Bernard's your Uncle...! 417% ...In English we say, 'Good morning'... 417% -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook 418% It's the magazine that tells the Tommies the _truth_ about the War. 418% ...Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since laws of 418% fidelity were included in the French marriage service... 418% -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook 419% Oh, come, come, sir - now, you can't deny that this newspaper is good 419% for the morale of the men? 419% Certainly not. I just feel more could be achieved by giving them some 419% _real_ toilet paper. 419% -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook 420% I smell something fishy - and I'm not talking about the contents of 420% Baldrick's apple crumble... 420% -- Edmund : Captain Cook 421% We didn't order those new ladders either. I issued them to the men 421% yesterday and they were absolutely thrilled, isn't that right, men? 421% Yes, sir. First solid fuel we've had since we burnt the cat! 421% -- George and Baldrick : Captain Cook 422% I, on the other hand, am a well-rounded human being, with a degree from 422% the University of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, and 422% three old stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the Shit Kicked Out 422% Of Me. 422% -- Edmund : Captain Cook 423% Great Scott, sir! You mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give 423% Harry Hun a good old British-style thrashing, six of the best, 423% trousers down? 423% ...If you mean, 'Are we all going to get killed?', then...yes. 423% -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook 424% Clearly General Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan attempt 424% to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin... 424% -- Edmund : Captain Cook 425% I have a cunning plan to get us out of being killed, sir. 425% Oh yes? What is it? 425% Cooking... 425% I see. (moves off) 425% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook 426% My mother...will be as pleased as Punch. 426% Mmmm...if only she we're as _good-looking_ as Punch, Baldrick... 426% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook 427% You're the worst cook in the entire _world_. There are...amoeba on 427% Saturn who could boil a better egg then you... 427% -- Edmund to Baldrick : Captain Cook 428% Who was it then, Captain? 428% (replacing receiver) Strangely enough, it was Pope Gregory the Ninth, 428% inviting me for drinks about his steam yacht, the 'Saucy Sue', 428% currently wintering in Montego Bay with the English cricket team and 428% the Balinese Goddess of Plenty. 428% Really? 428% ...No, not really. 428% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook 429% So - it's maximum security. Is that clear? 429% Certainly, sir. Only myself and the rest of the English-speaking world 429% is to know. 429% -- Melchett and Edmund : Captain Cook 430% Take a look at this - I'm sure you know it. 'King and Country'. 430% Ah yes...without doubt my _favourite_ magazine. Soft, strong...and 430% thoroughly absorbent. 430% Tophole, Blackadder, I thought it would be right up your alley... 430% -- Melchett and Edmund : Captain Cook 431% I know from long experience that my men have all the artistic talent of 431% a cluster of colourblind hedgehogs...in a _bag_. 431% -- Edmund to Melchett : Captain Cook 432% Private Baldrick here is obviously a bit of an impressionist. 432% ...The only decent impression _he_ can do is of a man with no talent. 432% -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook 433% What's it called, Baldrick...'The Vomiting Cavalier'? 433% -- Edmund : Captain Cook 434% If only I'd paid attention in nursery art classes instead of spending 434% my entire time manufacturing papier-mache willies to frighten Sarah 434% Wallace... 434% -- Edmund : Captain Cook 435% These paintings could spell my way out of the trenches! 435% Yours? 435% ...That's right, _ours_... 435% -- Edmund and George : Captain Cook 436% This is going to be Art's greatest moment since Mona Lisa sat down and 436% told Leonardo Da Vinci that she was in a slightly odd mood... 436% -- Edmund : Captain Cook 437% Neither we nor the Hun favour fighting our battles 'au naturelle' 437% But sir, it's artistic, it's...willing suspension of disbelief. 437% Well, I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at _my_ willy 437% suspension... 437% -- Edmund and George : Captain Cook 438% The wimple suits you, Baldrick. 438% But...it completely covers my face... 438% Exactly... 438% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Captain Cook 439% Tally-ho, yippety-dip, and zing zang spillip. Looking forward to 439% bullying off for the final chukka? 439% Permission to speak. 439% ............... 439% Answer the General, Baldrick. 439% ...I can't sir, I don't know what he's talking about. 439% -- Melchett, Edmund and Baldrick : Captain Cook 440% Remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you. 440% About thirty-five _miles_ behind you, to be precise... 440% -- Melchett and Edmund : Captain Cook 441% Did you just crawl over some barbed wire, sir? 441% No...I just put my elbow in a blob of ice-cream. 441% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook 442% They're firing, sir!! They're firing!!! 442% ...Thank you, Lieutenant. If thy hit _me_, you'll be sure to point it 442% out, won't you. 442% -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook 443% Oh, sir, just one thing. If we _should_ happen to tread on a mine, what 443% do we do? 443% ...Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump two hundred feet in 443% the air, and scatter yourself over a wide area. 443% -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook 444% Are you sure this is what you saw, Blackadder? 444% Absolutely. I mean, there may have been a few more armament factories, 444% and not _quite_ as many elephants, but... 444% -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Captain Cook 445% Tell me, have you ever visited the planet Earth, sir? 445% -- Edmund to Melchett : Captain Cook 446% Would you like some rat au vin to help you think? 446% ...Rat au vin? 446% Yes. It's rat... 446% ...thats been run over by a van... 446% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook 447% You'd like to book a table for three...by the window...for nine 447% thirty p.m....not too near the band...in the name of Oberlauten 447% and Von Genschler...yes...yes, I think you might have the wrong 447% number... 447% -- Edmund : Corporal Punishment 448% Oh look, there's a little ring round its leg - there's a novelty! 448% Oh really? Is there a paper hat as well? 448% -- Baldrick and George : Corporal Punishment 449% Private, what is the time? 449% We didn't receive any messages...and Captain Blackadder definitely 449% did not shoot this delicious plump-breasted pigeon, sir. 449% ...Do you want to be cremated, Baldrick, or buried at sea? 449% -- Melchett, Baldrick and Edmund : Corporal Punishment 450% Quite frankly sir, I've suspected this for some time. Clearly 450% Captain Blackadder has been disobeying orders with a breath-taking 450% impertinence. 450% I don't care if he's been rogering the Duke of York with a prize- 450% winning leek...! 450% -- Cpt. Darling and Melchett : Corporal Punishment 451% Do you know what the penalty is for disobeying orders, Blackadder? 451% Um...courtmartial followed by immediate cessation of chocolate rations? 451% -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Corporal Punishment 452% I remember Massingbird's most famous case - the Case of the Bloody 452% Knife. A man was found next to the murdered body. He had the knife 452% in his hand, thirteen witnesses had seen him stab the victim, 452% and when the police arrived, he said, "I'm glad I killed the 452% bastard". Massingbird not only got him off, he got him knighted 452% in the New Years Honours list, and the relatives of the deceased 452% had to pay to have the blood washed out of his jacket. 452% -- Edmund : Corporal Punishment 453% Baldrick, I gave you two notes. You sent the note asking for a sponge 453% bag to the finest mind in English legal history, and you sent 453% the note requesting legal representation to...? 453% (George enters) Well tally-ho, with a bing and a bong and a 453% buzz buzz buzz... 453% Oh God... 453% -- Edmund and George : Corporal Punishment 454% In the school Debating Society I was voted the boy least likely 454% to complete a coherent...er... 454% Sentence? 454% -- George and Edmund : Corporal Punishment 455% As far as I can tell, you're as guilty as a puppy sitting next to 455% a pile of poo... 455% Charming. 455% -- George and Edmund : Corporal Punishment 456% You're guilty as hell. You haven't got a chance. 456% Why thankyou Darling. And I hope your mother dies in a freak yachting 456% accident. 456% -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Corporal Punishment 457% Chap here to see you, sir. 457% What does he look like? 457% Short, ugly... 457% Hello, Baldrick. 457% -- Perkins and Edmund : Corporal Punishment 458% This is not food, but an escape kit! 458% Good Lord! With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun, a change of clothes, 458% a Swiss passport and a huge false moustache, I might just stand 458% a chance! 458% ...Ah. 458% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Corporal Punishment 459% Ah, what's this? Unless I'm much mistaken, a hammer and a chisel! 459% You are much mistaken. 459% ...A pencil and a miniature trumpet. 459% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Corporal Punishment 460% ...A change of clothes? 460% Of course, sir! I wouldn't forget a change of clothes! 460% Well, that's something. Let's see...a Robin Hood costume. 460% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Corporal Punishment 461% Mind if I disturb you for a moment, sir? 461% No...no, not at all. My diary's pretty empty this week...let's see... 461% Thursday morning: "Get shot."...yes, that's about it, really. 461% -- Perkins and Edmund : Corporal Punishment 462% Is there any particular area you'd like us to go for? We can aim 462% anywhere... 462% ...Well, in that case...just above the top of my head might be 462% a good spot... 462% -- Squad Sargeant and Edmund : Corporal Punishment 463% Can I ask you to leave a pause between the word 'Aim' and the word 463% 'Fire'? Thirty or forty years, perhaps... 463% -- Edmund : Corporal Punishment 464% What wise words from the world's greatest defence council?...(reads) 464% ...'Dear Mother'...unusual start... 464% -- Edmund : Corporal Punishment 465% Baldrick! I love you! I want to kiss your cherry lips and nibble 465% your shell-like ears! 465% -- Edmund : Corporal Punishment 466% I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls! 466% ...Perhaps later. 466% -- Perkins and Edmund : Corporal Punishment 467% Where do you want me? 467% Up against the wall is traditional, sir. 467% Of course. Er...this side, or...? 467% -- Edmund and Squad Sargeant : Corporal Punishment 468% Feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers' Society 468% at Cambridge. I misheard the instructions and pushed an entire 468% aubergine into my earhole... 468% -- George : Corporal Punishment 469% I think I can explain, sir. 469% Can you, Baldrick? 469% ........No. 469% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Corporal Punishment 470% George, the day the war began I was cheesed off. Within ten minutes 470% of you arriving, I'd finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee 470% and cigars. 470% -- Edmund : Major Star 471% I love old Chappers. Don't you, Captain? 471% Unfortunately, no. I find his films about as funny as getting an 471% arrow through the neck...and then discovering it's got a gas bill 471% tied to it. 471% -- George and Edmund : Major Star 472% You mustn't do that to me, sir, because that...is a borgeious act 472% of repression, sir. 472% .....What? 472% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Major Star 473% Oh yes, the great British music hall tradition. Two men with incredibly 473% unconvincing cockney accents, going : 473% 'What's up with you, then?' 473% 'What's up with me, then?' 473% 'Yeah, what's up with you, then?' 473% 'I'll tell you what's up with me - I'm right browned off.' 473% 'Right browned off?' 473% 'Yeah, right browned off.'......GET ON WITH IT!!! 473% -- Edmund : Major Star 474% Thank you, George, but if you don't mind I'd rather have my tongue 474% beaten wafer-thin by a steak tenderiser and then stapled to the 474% floor with a croquet hoop. 474% -- Edmund : Major Star 475% (sounds of cheers...Baldrick enters the dugout) 475% Sir! Sir! It's all over the trenches! 475% Well, mop it up, then... 475% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Major Star 476% And they've overthrown Nicolas the Second, who used to be bizarre... 476% Used to be _the_ Tzar, Baldrick... 476% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Major Star 477% Let me put it another way, Bob. You _are_ a girl. And you're a girl 477% with about as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses 477% trying to get into a polar bears-only golf club. 477% -- Edmund : Major Star 478% I want to see how a war is fought, _so_ badly. 478% Well, you've come to the right place, then. 478% -- Bob and Edmund : Major Star 479% Baldrick, in the Amazonian rainforest there are tribes as yet untouched 479% by civilization who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin 479% impressions than yours. 479% -- Edmund : Major Star 480% It could precipitate the fastest execution since someone said, 480% 'This Guy Fawkes bloke. Do we let him off, or what?' 480% -- Edmund : Major Star 481% We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got 481% himself stuck on a sticky bun. 481% -- Edmund : Major Star 482% Baldrick, _our_ plan is to find a new leading lady. What is 482% _your_ plan? 482% -- Edmund : Major Star 483% It's the worst plan since Abraham Lincoln said, 'Oh, I'm tired of 483% kicking around the house tonight. Let's go take in a show.' 483% -- Edmund : Major Star 484% Melchett is in mourning for the woman of his dreams. He's unlikely 484% to be in the mood to marry a two-legged badger wrapped in a curtain. 484% -- Edmund : Major Star 485% Take a telegram. To: Mr C.Chaplin, Senate Studios, Hollywood, 485% California. Message reads: Congrats stop Have found only person 485% in world less funny than you stop Name Baldrick stop 485% -- Edmund : Major Star 486% We've shot off over a million cannon shells, and what's the result? 486% One dachschund with a slight limp. 486% -- Edmund : Private Plane 487% I don't care how many times they go up-tiddly-up-up, they're still 487% gits. 487% -- Edmund : Private Plane 488% I'd love to be a flier - up there where the air is clear. 488% The chances of the air being clear anywhere near you, Baldrick, 488% are zero. 488% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Private Plane 489% I was more impressed by the contents of my handkerchief the last 489% time I blew my nose. 489% -- Edmund : Private Plane 490% Ask them who they'd prefer to meet - Squadron Commander Flasheart 490% or the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen and 490% they'll go for Wee Jock Poo Pong McPlop every time... 490% -- Edmund : Private Plane 491% I hope I snuff it right now so this moment can be preserved forever! 491% It can be arranged... 491% -- George and Edmund : Private Plane 492% Anyone can be a navigator if he can tell his arse from his elbow! 492% Well, that's Baldrick out, I fear... 492% We're always looking for talented types to join the twenty-minuters! 492% ...and there goes George... 492% -- Flasheart and Edmund : Private Plane 493% I've no desire to hang out with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, 493% do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing 493% around in Paris, drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens 493% of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping 493% up and down my.....hang on.....! 493% -- Edmund : Private Plane 494% When I was a small boy, I used to watch the marshwarblers swooping 494% in my mother's undercroft. And I remember thinking - would Man 494% ever dare do the same? And you know - 494% Oh! You want to join the Royal Flying Corps! 494% ...Oh, there's a thought. 494% -- Edmund and Cpt. Darling : Private Plane 495% Come on, I wasn't born yesterday. 495% More's the pity. We could have started your personality from scratch. 495% -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Private Plane 496% Trust you to try and skive off to some cushy option. 496% There's nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon 496% Corps! 496% -- Edmund and Cpt. Darling : Private Plane 497% Crikey, I'm looking forward to today. Up-tiddly-up-up, down-diddly- 497% down-down, whoops-poop-twiddly dee, a decent scrap with the 497% fiendish Red Baron, a bit of a jolly old crash landing behind 497% enemy lines, capture, torture, escape, and then back home in time 497% for tea and medals! 497% ...George, who's using the family brain cell at the moment? 497% -- George and Edmund : Private Plane 498% Always treat your kite - like you treat your woman. 498% Sir, do you mean take her home at the weekend to meet your mother? 498% No. I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven 498% and back. 498% -- Flasheart and George : Private Plane 499% I have a message from Baron von Richtoffen, the greatest living 499% German. 499% Which considering his competition consists entirely of very fat 499% men in leather shorts belching to the tune of 'She'll be Coming 499% Round the Mountain', is no great achievement. 499% -- German and Edmund : Private Plane 500% You used to have a rabbit. Beautiful little thing. Do you remember? 500% Flossy. 500% That's right. Flossy. Do you remember what happened to Flossy? 500% You shot him. 500% That's right. It was the kindest thing to do after he'd been run 500% over by that car. 500% _Your_ car, sir. 500% Yes, by my car. But even that was an act of mercy when you remember 500% that that dog had been set on him. 500% _Your_ dog, sir. 500% -- Melchett and George : Private Plane 501% No more mud, death, rats, bombs, shrapnel, whizz-bangs, barbed wire 501% and those bloody awful songs that have the word 'Whoops' in them. 501% -- Edmund : Private Plane 502% Good Lord! Captain Blackadder! I thought you were... 502% ...Playing tennis? 502% -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Private Plane 503% 'After the explosion, Captain Blackadder was marvellous. He joked 503% and joked: 'You lucky lucky lucky bastard!', he said. And then 503% he laid on his back, stuck his foot over the top of the trench, 503% and shouted, 'Over here, Fritz! What about me? What about me?'' 503% -- George : General Hospital 504% We have some important military business to discuss. 504% Alright. Ten minutes only then. (she leaves) 504% (to George) Alright porkface, where's the grub? 504% -- Edmund and Nurse Brown : General Hospital 505% If I can't give my brave boys a kind word and a big smile, what 505% _can_ I give them? 505% Well, one or two ideas do suggest themselves, but you'd probably 505% think they were unhygienic. 505% -- Nurse Brown and Edmund : General Hospital 506% Security isn't a dirty word, Blackadder. Crevice is a dirty word. 506% -- Melchett : General Hospital 507% So in the name of security everyone who enters the room has to 507% have his bottom fondled by this drooling prevert? 507% -- Edmund : General Hospital 508% In short, a German spy is giving way every one of our battle plans. 508% You look surprised, Blackadder. 508% I cerainly am, sir. I didn't realise we _had_ any battle plans. 508% -- Cpt. Darling, Melchett and Edmund : General Hospital 509% And if you come back with information, Captain Darling will pump 509% you thoroughly in the debriefing room. 509% ...Not while I've got my strength he won't. 509% -- Melchett and Edmund : General Hospital 510% They might find me interesting. 510% Baldrick, I find the General Northern and Metropolitan sewage 510% system interesting, but that doesn't mean that I want to put on 510% some rubber gloves and pull things out with a pair of tweezers. 510% -- Baldrick and Edmund : General Hospital 511% Ah, Captain. I hope you're going to conduct yourself with a little 511% more decorum this time. 511% No, I'm going to conduct myself with no decorum. Shove off. 511% -- Nurse Brown and Edmund : General Hospital 512% Surely you must have noticed something in the air? 512% Well yes, of course, but I thought that was Private Baldrick. 512% -- Edmund and George : Goodbyeee... 513% We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, since when we've 513% advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping. 513% -- Edmund : Goodbyeee... 514% Well, ah, Jocko and the Badger bought it at the first Ypres, 514% unfortunately, bit of a shock, that. I remember Bumfluff's house- 514% master wrote and told me that Sticky'd been out for a duck, and 514% that Gubber had snitched a parcel sausage-side and gone goose 514% over stumps frog-side. 514% Meaning? 514% I don't know, sir, but I read in the Times that they'd both 514% been killed. 514% And Bumfluff himself? 514% Copped a packet at Galipoli with the Aussies. So did Dripping and 514% Strangely-Brown. 514% -- George and Edmund : Goodbyeee... 515% We tell HQ I've gone insane, and I'll be invalided back home to 515% Blighty before you can say 'Wibble'. Poor, gormless idiot. 515% But I'm a poor, gormless idiot, and I've never been invalided back 515% to Blighty. 515% Ah yes, Baldrick, but thet's because you never said, 'Wibble'. 515% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Goodbyeee... 516% All the men present and correct, sir. ALl ready for the off, eh? 516% I'm afraid not, Lieutenant, I'm just off to Hartlepool to buy 516% some exploding trousers. 516% I beg your pardon, sir? Have you gone barking mad? 516% Yes, Lieutenant, I have. Cluck cluck gibber gibber my old man's 516% a mushroom...etc...etc... 516% -- George and Edmund : Goodbyeee... 517% You'll miss the whole end of the war! 517% Yes, very bad luck. Beep. 517% Right... 517% Beep. 517% ...Now, Baldrick, I'll be back as soon as I can. 517% Pa-paaaa....... 517% -- George and Edmund : Goodbyeee... 518% Till then, we've got bugger all to do except sit and wait. 518% Oh, I dunno sir, we could have a jolly game of charades? Or a 518% sing-along to musical hits such as 'Birmingham Bertie'...and 518% 'Whoops, Mrs Miggins, you're Sitting on my Artichokes!'... 518% Yes...I think 'bugger all' might be rather more fun... 518% -- Edmund and George : Goodbyeee... 519% Don't worry, I could go on all night! 519% Not with a bayonet through your neck, you couldn't. 519% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Goodbyeee... 520% All my friends are dead. My pet spider, Sammy. Katy the worm, Bertie 520% the bird. Everyone except Neville the Fat Hamster. 520% I'm afraid Neville bought it too, Baldrick. I'm sorry. 520% Neville gone, sir? 520% ...Actually not quite _gone_, he's in the corner, bunging up the 520% sink. 520% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Goodbyeee... 521% I made a note in my diary on the way here. Simpy says...'Bugger'. 521% -- Cpt. Darling : Goodbyeee... 522% I think the phrase rhymes with 'Clucking Bell'... 522% -- Edmund : Goodbyeee... 523% We've had some good times, we've had some damnably good laughs, 523% haven't we? 523% Yes...can't think of any _specific_ ones myself... 523% -- George and Edmund : Goodbyeee... 524% If it wasn't for this terrible war, Neville would still be here 524% today, sniffling his little nose, and going, 'eek'. 524% On the other hand, if he hadn't died, I wouldn't have been able 524% to insert a curtain rod in his bottom and use him as a dishmop. 524% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Goodbyeee... -- .-------------------..-------------------------..----------------------------. | Matt P Clifton - || ch0mpc@uk.ac.bath.gdt | I know who you are! You're | | Shoggoth Hunter || | Merlin the Happy Pig !!! | `-------------------'`-------------------------'`----------------------------'