X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.arts.drwho: 9717 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!sun-barr!ames!uakari.primate.wisc.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!wupost!uunet!mcsun!uknet!ukc!dcl-cs!gdt!ch0mpc Newsgroups: rec.arts.drwho Subject: Quote Server (4) Message-ID: <1991Oct31.152844.22242@gdt.bath.ac.uk> From: ch0mpc@gdt.bath.ac.uk (Matt Clifton) Date: 31 Oct 91 15:28:44 GMT Organization: School of Chemistry, University of Bath, UK Lines: 717 Part 3 of the quote file follows. 245% What are you wearing around your neck? 245% Ah. It's my new ruff. 245% You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate. 245% It's the latest fashion, actually, and as a matter of fact it makes 245% me look _rather sexy_... 245% To another plate-swallowing bird, perhaps...if it was blind and hadn't 245% had it in months... 245% -- Edmund and Percy : Head 246% You're a sad, laughable figure, aren't you, Percy? 246% -- Edmund : Head 247% I'm off to the queen. 247% Shall I come too, my lord? 247% No...better not, people might think we're friends. 247% -- Edmund and Percy : Head 248% I have taken the liberty, ma'am, of drawing up a list of suitable 248% candidates. 248% Good-oh. Let's hear it. 248% Ahem. List..for the Post..of Lord High Executioner...(unfurls large 248% scroll)...Lord Blackadder..........(rolls up scroll) 248% Ah-ha. 248% -- Melchett, Queenie and Edmund : Head 249% Never...ever...try to be funny in my presence again, Percy. 249% -- Edmund: Head 250% The fashion these days is towards the tiny... 250% Well, in that case, Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in 250% Britain. 250% -- Percy and Edmund : Head 251% Now, if you play straight with me, you'll find me a considerate 251% employer. But cross me, and you'll soon discover that under this 251% playful, boyish, exterior...beats the heart of a ruthless, sadistic.. 251% ..maniac. 251% -- Edmund : Head 252% You are to be congratulated, my friend. We live in an age where illness 252% and deformity are commonplace, and yet Ploppy, you are without a 252% doubt the most...repulsive individual I've ever met. I would shake 252% your hand, but I fear it would come off. 252% -- Edmund : Head 253% Now then woman...if indeed you _are_ a woman... 253% -- Edmund : Head 254% 'Good morning Mistress Ploppy', he'd say..and _I'd_ say..'Good morning, 254% _Mr_ Ploppy'...!!!! 254% .......The long winter evenings must just _fly_ by... 254% - Mrs Ploppy and Edmund : Head 255% Well, Farrow was rather moving, my lord. A great strong man, he stood 255% there gaunt and noble in the early morning mist, and in a loud, clear 255% voice he cried out, 'My wife might have bloody well turned up!' 255% -- Percy : Head 256% Good evening, Lord Blackadder. 256% Well, it certainly is _now_... 256% -- Lady Farrow and Edmund : Head 257% There is a great pain in my heart... 257% It's probably indigestion..I'll soon take your mind off that. 257% No. It is my husband. 257% Your _husband's_ got indigestion? Well, he won't be bothering us then. 257% No. He dies tomorrow. 257% Oh, come, you can't die of indigestion... 257% -- Lady Farrow and Edmund : Head 258% That Farrow bloke you executed today. You sure he's dead? 258% I cut his head off. That usually does the trick. 258% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Head 259% Why do I have to have a bag on my head? 259% In order, nin-com-poop, that she should believe you're her husband! 259% Why..did he use to wear a bag on his head? 259% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Head 260% Look, cretins, the bag is there to obscure Baldrick's own features... 260% ..And many might think, incidentally, that that would be reason 260% enough for him to wear it... 260% -- Edmund : Head 261% You fiend! What have you done to him?!! 261% We have put...a _bag_ over his head. 261% -- Lady Farrow and Edmund : Head 262% He had a deep voice. A big deep booming voice. 262% ..So quite like mine, then. 262% No, my lord, a _big, deep, booming_ voice... 262% -- Ploppy and Edmund : Head 263% I am prepared for the fact that he may have lost some weight. 263% Yes....and some _height_. 263% -- Lady Farrow and Percy : Head 264% 'Gloaters'...you really are a prat, aren't you Percy. 264% -- Edmund : Head 265% Percy...this is a very difficult situation. 265% ...Yes, my lord. 265% Someone's for the chop. You or me, in fact. 265% ...Yes. 265% ...Let's face facts, Perce. It's you. 265% -- Edmund and Percy : Head 266% Well...if she sees his head on a spike..she'll realise..he's _dead_..! 266% -- Edmund : Head 267% We're training up our new executioner, and he's a little immature. 267% Takes him forever. Slash, slash, slash...by the time he's finished 267% you don't so much need a spike as a toast rack... 267% -- Edmund : Head 268% Alright, Baldrick. Let's try again. This is called 'Adding'. If I have 268% two beans, and I add _two more_ beans, what do I have? 268% ...Some beans. 268% Yes...and no. 268% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Head 269% Try again. One..two..three.._four_! So how many are there? 269% Three. 269% What? 269% ...and that one. 269% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Head 270% To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to 270% other people, wasn't it? 270% -- Edmund : Head 271% ...Although there is something lurking at the back of my head that 271% bothers me... 271% It's probably a flea. 271% -- Ploppy and Edmund : Head 272% All day long you mutter to yourself...gibber, dribble, moan, and bang 272% your head against the wall, yelling, 'I want to die!'. Now you may 272% say I'm leaping to conclusions, but...you're not _completely_ 272% happy, are you? 272% -- Kate to her father : Bells 273% I must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail 273% dotage. 273% But Father, surely... 273% Yes, Kate. I want you to become a prostitute. 273% -- Kate and her father : Bells 274% ...For 'tis better to die poor than to live in shame and ignomany. 274% No, it isn't. 274% -- Kate and her father : Bells 275% Sorry I'm late! 275% Oh, don't bother apologising. I'm sorry you're alive. 275% -- Percy and Edmund : Bells 276% I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past _me_! 276% Well, go to Spain. There are millions of 'em. 276% -- Percy and Edmund : Bells 277% This is _the_ Jane Harrington? 277% (with pride) Yes! 277% Jane 'Bury me in a Y-shaped coffin' Harrington? 277% -- Edmund and Percy : Bells 278% You'll get over her. 278% (Percy readies his aim and prepares to shoot the arrow) 278% ...I did. 278% (Percy is distracted, and has to re-aim.) 278% ......So did Baldrick, in fact... 278% -- Edmund to Percy : Bells 279% Bad luck, Ballders. 279% Don't worry, my lord. The arrow didn't in fact enter my body. By a 279% thousand to one chance, my willy got in the way. 279% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Bells 280% I'd only just put it there. But now, I will leave it there forever. 280% ...Quite so, Baldrick. It can be your lucky willy. 280% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Bells 281% Unfortunately I already have a servant. 281% The word is...that your servant is the worst servant in London. 281% Mmm..that's true. Baldrick, you're fired. Be out of the house in 281% ten minutes. 281% -- Kate and Edmund : Bells 282% What do they call you? 282% ...Kate. 282% Isn't that a bit of a girl's name? 282% ...It's short..for..erm...'Bob'. 282% -- Edmund and Kate : Bells 283% Well, 'Bob', welcome on board. (They gaze at each other for a while.) 283% ...Sorry, Baldrick, any reason you're still here? 283% -- Edmund : Bells 284% I've been in your service since I was two and a half, my lord. 284% Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you. 284% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Bells 285% Alright. Go and get Bob's stuff in...and throw your filthy muck out 285% onto the street. 285% God bless you, sweet master! 285% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Bells 286% My _father_ used to laugh at...who were those people with the funny 286% faces and the bells? 286% Ah...jesters, madam. 286% No...lepers. 286% -- Queenie and Melchett : Bells 287% What think you, my lord, of...'love'? 287% ...You mean rumpy-pumpy? 287% -- Kate and Edmund : Bells 288% What would you say, my lord, if I were to say...'I love you'? 288% Umm...(strangled)..Well, it depends entirely on who you said it to. 288% If you said it to a horse, I'd presume you were sick...if you said it 288% to Baldrick, I'd presume you were blind... 288% -- Kate and Edmund : Bells 289% (Edmund and Kate wrestle each other to the floor. Their eyes meet 289% searchingly. Edmund slowly bends to kiss her...the door opens, and 289% Baldrick enters.) 289% Don't worry, Bob. He used to try and kill me, too. 289% -- Baldrick : Bells 290% I was wondering if I might sleep on the roof, only the Town Bailiff 290% says if I lie in the gutter I'll be flushed into the Thames with all 290% the other turds. 290% -- Baldrick to Edmund : Bells 291% Now then, what seems to be the trouble? 291% Well...it's my manservant. 291% Yes, well, don't be embarrassed. If you've got the pox, just pop your.. 291% ..er..'manservant' on the table and we'll have a look at it,shall we? 291% -- Doctor and Edmund : Bells 292% Well, of course I'm worried. 292% Well, of course you are. It's not every day a man wakes up to find he's 292% a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean earth 292% than a weasel....Ashamed of yourself? 292% Not really, no. 292% ...Bloody hell, I would be. 292% -- Edmund and the Doctor : Bells 293% And I can strongly recommend... 293% (finishing his sentence)...a course of leeches. Oh, just pop a couple 293% down my codpiece before I go to bed... 293% -- Doctor and Edmund : Bells 294% (Edmund is distastefully chewing his prescribed leeches) 294% ...Anything to follow, my lord? There's this lovely fat spider I found 294% in the bath. I _was_ saving it for myself, but if you'd like it... 294% -- Baldrick to Edmund : Bells 295% Tell me young crone...is this Putney? 295% That it be!...That it be!... 295% ...'Yes it is', not 'That it be'. You don't have to talk to me in that 295% stupid voice, I'm not a tourist. 295% -- Edmund and crone : Bells 296% I seek information about the Wise Woman. 296% ...The Wise Woman!...The Wise Woman!... 296% ...Yes, the Wise Woman. 296% -- Edmund and crone : Bells 297% ...Oh, so you _do_ know her then? 297% ...No, just a wild stab in the dark, which is incidentally...what 297% you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. 297% -- Crone and Edmund : Bells 298% Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of monies...(crone holds her 298% hand out expectantly)...which I'm not going to give to you. 298% -- Edmund to crone : Bells 299% The first plan is simple. Kill Bob. 299% Never! 299% Then try the second. Kill yourself! 299% Mmm...and the third? 299% The third is to ensure that no-one _ever_ knows... 299% Ah! That sounds more like it! How? 299% Kill _everyone_ in the _whole world_ ....hahahahahaha (insane laughter) 299% Ah..ha. 299% -- Wise Woman and Edmund : Bells 300% Well, what can it possibly be? 300% (Kate undoes her blouse and reveals all to Edmund) 300% Aha...Good Lord. 300% Edmund to Kate : Bells 301% It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that the 301% maid of honour should be a man. 301% Oh! Thank you very much, my lord. 301% ...And I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. 301% -- Edmund to Kate and Baldrick : Bells 302% For as we all know, God made Man in his own image. It'd be a sad 302% lookout for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything 302% like _you_, Baldrick. 302% -- Edmund to Baldrick : Bells 303% There you are Ballders. You look as sweet as a little pie. 303% He looks like what he is - a dungball in a dress. 303% -- Kate and Edmund : Bells 304% There has been some discussion in the court on the subject of your best 304% man...and I thought it might be the moment to...bring the subject to 304% a...conclusion. 304% Ah yes, Percy. I would like _you_... 304% Oh! I'm so proud! 304% ...Please let me finish. I would like _you_ to take this letter to 304% Dover... 304% -- Percy and Edmund : Bells 305% Oh come on Edmund, you _must_ be able to think of another best man... 305% ...Well, I suppose I _could_ ask Percy...Percy? 305% (excited) My lord? 305% Can you think of another best man? 305% -- Queenie, Edmund and Percy : Bells 306% ...Thanks, bridesmaid. Like the beard. Gives me something to...hang 306% on to!!... 306% -- Lord Flashheart : Bells 307% Nursy! I like 'em firm and fruity! Am I pleased to see you, or did I 307% just put a _canoe_ in my pocket?!! 307% -- Lord Flashheart : Bells 308% I've got a plan!! And it's as _hot_ as my _pants_!!!! 308% -- Lord Flashheart : Bells 309% It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the 309% bridesmaid...I assume you wish to honour this...? 309% ...I do. 309% -- Melchett and Baldrick : Bells 310% Three hours of bluff seaman's talk about picking the weevils out of 310% biscuits and drinking urine is not my idea of entertainment. 310% -- Edmund to Melchett : Potato 311% Potato? 311% ...No thanks, I don't. 311% -- Melchett and Edmund : Potato 312% ...I was wanting to greet the gallant sailor who hallooed me on my way 312% in...perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away...? 312% No!...It was _me_!... 312% ...Majesty! Surely not? 312% ...You _utter_ creep. 312% -- Melchett, Queenie and Edmund : Potato 313% Do I look absolutely divine and yet and at the same time very pretty 313% and rather accessible? 313% -- Queenie to Melchett : Potato 314% Splice me timbers, Sir Walter, it's bucko to see you, old matey!! 314% ...I'm sorry? 314% She says 'Hello'. 314% -- Queenie, Raleigh and Edmund : Potato 315% I have brought you gifts and dominions beyond your wildest dreams... 315% ...Are you sure? Well, I have some pretty wild dreams, you know. I'm 315% not sure what they mean, but the other day there was this enormous 315% tree...and I was sitting right on top of it... 315% (quietly) Ma'am. 315% ...and then I dreamt once that I was a sausage roll... 315% (quietly) ...Majesty... 315% -- Raleigh, Queenie and Melchett : Potato 316% Well yes...I do rather laugh in the face of fear...Tweak the nose of 316% terror... 316% -- Edmund : Potato 317% Why, in the Cape, the rain beats down so hard,it makes your head bleed. 317% Oh...some sort of hat is probably in order. 317% -- Raleigh and Edmund : Potato 318% Since you're clearly mad as a mongoose, I'll bid you good-day. 318% -- Edmund to Captain Rum : Potato 319% You courtiers...you're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl. 319% ..Better lapdogs to a slip of a girl than a ..._git_. 319% -- Captain Rum and Edmund : Potato 320% What's the First Mate's name? 320% ...Percy. 320% A nautical cove? 320% Yes...Well, he's a sort of...wet fish. 320% -- Captain Rum and Edmund : Potato 321% And in Genoa, 'tis now the fashion to pin a live frog to the shoulder- 321% braid, stand on a bucket, and go 'Bibble' at passers-by. 321% -- Edmund to Queenie : Head 322% ...It's no good, Percy. No-one's ever going to believe we've just cut 322% it off. It's gone _green_... 322% -- Edmund : Head 323% The streets have never been so gay. Women are laughing, children are 323% singing...oh, look! Look! There's a man being indecently assaulted 323% by nine foreign sailors...and he's _still_ got a smile on his face! 323% -- Percy to Edmund : Potato 324% Now Percy, will you get out...before I cut off your head, scoop out 324% the insides...and give it to your mother as a vase. 324% -- Edmund : Potato 325% (Percy, costumed in festive garb, has just left.) 325% What a clot. The most absurdly dressed creature in Christendom... 325% (Baldrick enters ; he wears a hat pathetically festooned with bits of 325% twig and dead animals)...with _one_ exception. 325% -- Edmund : Potato 326% I was wondering if I might have the afternoon off? 326% Well, of course not. Who do you think you are...Watt Tyler? You can 326% have the afternoon off when you _die_, Baldrick, not before. 326% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Potato 327% Bloody explorers ponce off to mumbo-jumbo land...come back with a 327% tropical disease, a suntan, and a bag of brown lumpy things...Bob's 327% your uncle everyone's got a picture of them in the toilet. 327% -- Edmund : Potato 328% I mean, look at this. What is it? 328% I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord. 328% I haven't forgotten. It's a rhetorical question. 328% ...Nah, it's a potato. 328% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Potato 329% To you it's a potato. To _me_ it's a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody 329% Raleigh...it's country estate, fine carriages, and as many girls as 329% his tongue can cope with. 329% -- Edmund to Baldrick : Potato 330% He's making a fortune out of the things. People are smoking them... 330% building houses out of them...they'll be _eating_ them next... 330% Stranger things have happened... 330% Well, exactly. 330% ..That horse becoming Pope... 330% For one. 330% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Potato 331% Ah, Blackadder. Started talking to yourself, I see. 331% Yes...it's the only way I can be assured of intelligent conversation. 331% -- Melchett and Edmund : Potato 332% Let's practice. Edmund comes in and says, 'Hello Baldrick...you haven't 332% seen Percy, have you?', to which you reply... 332% Er...'No, my lord, I haven't seen him all day'. 332% Perfect. (front door opens) Oh my God, here he comes! (closes box lid) 332% (Edmund enters) Oh hello Ballders...Where the hell's that prat Percy? 332% You haven't seen him, have you? 332% (Baldrick deliberates for a while)...............Yes, my lord. 332% He's hiding in the box. 332% -- Percy, Baldrick and Edmund : Potato 333% 'When the night is dark 333% And the dogs go...bark 333% When the clouds are black 333% And the ducks go...quack 333% When the sky is blue 333% And the cows go...mooo 333% Think of lovely Queenie 333% She'll be thinking of you. 333% -- Queenie to Edmund : Potato 334% Goodbye, Blackadder. I'd say 'Bon Voyage', but there's no point. You'll 334% be dead in three months. 334% ...I love you, Walter. I hope you know that. 334% -- Raleigh and Edmund : Potato 335% The foremost cartographers of the land have prepared this for you. 335% (Hands Edmund a scroll)...It's a map of the area you'll be traversing 335% (Edmund unrolls it ; it is blank on both sides)...They'd be very 335% grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along... 335% -- Melchett : Potato 336% Caroline! I never knew you knew her! 336% Oh yes! I even touched her once. 336% ...Touched her what? 336% Her...once. In a corridor. 336% I've never heard it called _that_ before. 336% -- Edmund and Percy : Potato 337% We're doomed to a watery grave with a Captain who's legless... 337% Rubbish!...I've hardly touched a drop! 337% ..No, no, I mean...you haven't got any _legs_... 337% -- Percy and Captain Rum : Potato 338% We are in fact going...to France! 338% France!...Oh, but Edmund, surely France has already been discovered? By 338% the French, for a start....? 338% -- Edmund and Percy : Potato 339% The day after tomorrow we shall be in Calais. Captain, set sail for 339% France! 339% (All) Hooray! 339% (Caption: The Day After The Day After Tomorrow) 339% ...So...You don't know the way to France..._either_. 339% No. I must confess that too. 339% ...Bugger. 339% -- Edmund and Captain Rum : Potato 340% Look, there's no need to panic. Someone in the crew will know how to 340% steer the ship. 340% ...The crew, my lord? 340% ...Yes, the crew. 340% ..._What_ crew? 340% -- Edmund and Captain Rum : Potato 341% I was under the impression that it was common maritime practice for a 341% ship to have a _crew_. 341% Opinion is divided on the subject. 341% ...Is it. 341% Yes. All the other captains say it _is_..._I_ say it _isn't_. 341% ...Oh God...mad as a brush... 341% -- Edmund and Captain Rum : Potato 342% Oh well, let's get on with it. 342% (They stand against the wall and prepare to pass water into the mugs) 342% (Caption: Ten minutes later) 342% ...It's always the same isn't it. You get all keyed up and then you 342% do anything... 342% -- Edmund : Potato 343% ...Don't look much like Southampton Docks to me, my lord. 343% What? 343% Well, those streams of molten lava and that steaming mangrove swamp... 343% And that crowd of beckoning natives rubbing their tummies and 343% pointing to a pot... 343% ...Oh, God... 343% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Potato 344% He died a hero's death, dying so his friends might live... 344% ...And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes. 344% -- Percy and Edmund : Potato 345% (Edmund rummages through the sack, and produces boomerang)...Ah. 345% (intrigued) What is it? 345% ...A _stick_. 345% -- Edmund, Queenie and Melchett : Potato 346% Someone wants to see me at four in the morning...What is he, a giant 346% lark? 346% -- Edmund : Money 347% Baldrick, this is Molly ; an inexpensive prostitute. 347% Molly, this is Baldrick...a pointless peasant. 347% -- Edmund : Money 348% You're a one, aren't you! When you should be whispering sweet 348% conversational nothings like 'Gosh! Something twice the size of the 348% Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets', you don't 348% say a word. But enter the Creature from the Black Latrine and you 348% don't stop yabbering... 348% -- Edmund to Molly : Money 349% Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the Rights of Man, I'd have gone to 349% bed with Martin Luther. 349% -- Edmund to Molly : Money 350% Your Grace...may I introduce...my _mother_... 350% -- Edmund to the Bishop : Money 351% (reading from tombstone) '...William Greaves, born 1513 in Chelmsford 351% with the love of Christ...died 1563...in agony...with a spike up his 351% bottom'. 351% -- Edmund : Money 352% Poor Tom is cold. Pity poor Tom, for his nose is frozen, and he doth 352% shiver, and...is maaaddddd!!!!! 352% Oh, shut up. 352% -- Tom the Beggar and Edmund : Money 353% My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers. I consider myself to be 353% one of England's finest liers...Oh, my God, Percy, a giant humming- 353% bird is about to eat your hat and cloak!!! 353% Oh, no!! (runs out) 353% ...You see, I'm terrific at it... 353% -- Edmund and Percy : Money 354% I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split. 354% -- Edmund to Melchett : Money 355% Au contraire. I am ecstatic about the whole incident. I only didn't 355% laugh out loud, because if I did, I fear my _head_ would have fallen 355% off... 355% -- Edmund to Melchett : Money 356% I cannot believe it. She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to 356% Richmond to play about the weakest practical joke since Cardinal 356% Wolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court...and stood at the end of 356% passage pretending to be a door. 356% -- Edmund : Money 357% Edmund! Oh, Edmund, I've awaited your return! 357% And thank God you did, for I was just thinking...'My God, I die in 357% twelve hours. What I really need right now is a hug from a complete 357% _prat_.' 357% -- Percy and Edmund : Money 358% Well...I have heard there's good money to be made down at the docks... 358% doing..._favours_ for sailors... 358% Favours? What...delivering messages, sewing on buttons, that sort of 358% thing? 358% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Money 359% Know you of such a bird? 359% No...but we could _make_ one... 359% No, we _couldn't_, Baldrick...Oh, I suppose you have to be told some- 359% time. What happens is, a mummy bird and a daddy bird...who love each 359% other very much... 359% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Money 360% A conversation with you, Baldrick, and somehow, death loses its sting.. 360% -- Edmund : Money 361% Melchett, I prostrate myself before the feet of the world's _greatest 361% living comedian_!!!.... 361% -- Edmund : Money 362% My God!...This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the 362% Hundred Years War...Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?... 362% -- Edmund : Money 363% Gold! Pure gold! 363% ...Are you sure? 363% Yes, my lord. Behold... 363% Percy...it's _green_. 363% -- Percy and Edmund : Money 364% Yes Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of 364% gold is _gold_. That's why it's called gold. What you have discovered 364% if indeed it has a name...is some..._green_. 364% -- Edmund : Money 365% Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you Percy? 365% Perhaps, my lord... 365% That you, Percy, Lord Percy...are an utter _berk_. 365% -- Edmund and Percy : Money 366% I've had some happy times here, when..when you and Percy have been out. 366% -- Edmund to Baldrick : Money 367% Baldrick, go forth into the street and let it be known that Lord 367% Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy...just go forth into the 367% street. 367% -- Edmund : Money 368% ...Strange smell!... 368% Yes, that's the servant. He'll be gone. 368% -- Mrs Pants and Edmund : Money 369% You've really worked out your banter, haven't you. 369% Not really - this is a different thing. It's spontaneous and it's 369% called 'wit'. 369% -- Mr Pants and Edmund : Money 370% Percy...what is that on the front of your tunic? 370% 'Tis a brooch, my lord. A brooch cunningly fashioned out of pure green. 370% ...It looks like you've sneezed. 370% -- Edmund and Percy : Money 371% ...So you think there's a big market for jewellery that looks like 371% snot, then? 371% -- Edmund to Percy : Money 372% If I die, Baldrick, d'you think people would remember me? 372% ...Yeah, of course they would. People would always be slapping each 372% other on the shoulders and laughing and saying, 'Do you remember old 372% Privy-Breath?'... 372% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Money 373% Am I then...not popular? 373% Um...well, put it this way...When people slip in what dogs have left in 373% the street they do tend to say, 'Whoops - I've trod in an Edmund'. 373% -- Edmund and Baldrick : Money 374% Have you got a plan, my lord? 374% Yes I have...and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it. 374% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Money 375% ...Drugged, by God!! 375% ...No, by Baldrick, actually, but the effect is much the same.. 375% -- The Bishop and Edmund : Money 376% Have you ever considered a career in the Church? 376% No...I could never get used to the underwear. 376% -- The Bishop and Edmund : Money 377% 'Tis said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent 377% company, so through learned discussion, he may rise above the savage 377% and closer to God. 377% Yes, I'd heard that. 377% ...Personally, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind 377% me I'm best. 377% -- Edmund and Percy : Beer 378% I was the man of a thousand faces. 378% So how did you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now, then? 378% -- Percy and Edmund : Beer 379% Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom, Baldrick. 379% -- Edmund : Beer 380% But my lord! I've been in your family since 1532! 380% ...So has syphilis. Now get out. 380% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Beer 381% Quick! Melchett's dying! We must do something! 381% Of course...Some sort of celebration... 381% -- Queenie and Edmund : Beer 382% I was awakened by a terrific banging from Lord Melchett... 382% Well!...I never knew he had it in him... 382% -- Queenie and Edmund : Beer 383% He was singing a song about a girl who possessed a...dicky di-do? 383% ...Oh, yes. It's a lovely old hymn, isn't it. 383% -- Queenie and Edmund : Beer 384% What I drank last night would have floored a rhinoceros! 384% ...If it was allergic to lemonade, that is. 384% -- Melchett and Edmund : Beer 385% Right. Now the sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive 385% drunken lout with the intelligence of a four-year-old, and the 385% sophistication of a donkey. 385% (thinking)...Cardinal Wolsey... 385% -- Edmund and Percy : Beer 386% Percy, the devil farts in my face once more. 386% -- Edmund : Beer 387% You twist and turn like a...twisty turny thing. You're a weedy pigeon, 387% Blackadder, and you can call me Susan if it isn't so. 387% -- Melchett : Beer 388% ...I found it particularly ironic, my lord, because I've got a thingy 388% that's shaped like a turnip!...I'm a great use at parties. 388% Are you. 388% Yes...I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children... 388% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Beer 389% Well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance. Did I say 'inheritance'? 389% ...I meant 'journey'. Well, if you'd like to help yourself to a 389% legacy...err...chair... 389% -- Edmund to the Whiteadders : Beer 390% (Percy tries to attract Edmund's attention to his comedy breasts) 390% Aaarrggg...aarrgggg... 390% Sorry, he's sick. Leprosy. Of the brain... 390% -- Percy and Edmund : Beer 391% I believe that silence is golden. 391% (Edmund opens mouth to speak)..............(closes it again)...... 391% ......(clears throat)..Aaahhiinheritance. 391% -- Lady Whiteadder and Edmund : Beer 392% Sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table. 392% Or, indeed..._any_ table. 392% ....Except perhaps a table at a brothel. (Edmund kicks Percy off chair) 392% -- Lady Whiteadder, Edmund and Percy : Beer 393% Noise? Did you hear a noise, Percy? 393% ...No. 393% Good. 393% ..apart from that colossal drunken roar. (Edmund kicks Percy off chair) 393% -- Edmund and Percy : Beer 394% Get out!! Get out you libidinous swine!! And take that whore-slut 394% painted strumpet with you!! And may you both rot in the filth of your 394% own fornication!!!! 394% ...And what did you say to _him_?... 394% -- Edmund and Queenie : Chains 395% Oh, Edmund, you're so naughty! 395% I try, madam...and then ten minutes later, when I've got my breath 395% back, I try again... 395% -- Queenie and Edmund : Chains 396% I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day... 396% ...Oh, good. (walks off) 396% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Chains 397% Now, am I by any chance addressing a senior dignitary of the Spanish 397% Inquisition? Because if I am, I would like to say that I am prepared 397% to tell you absolutely..._anything_. 397% -- Edmund to Spaniard : Chains 398% Lord Percy...it's up to you. Either you can shut up...or you can 398% have your head cut off. 398% -- Queenie : Chains 399% Bastardo! Bastardo! 399% ...'Barrister'...? 399% No...Bastardo! 399% ...'Embarrassment'?..You're embarrassed?...I'm embarrassed?... 399% -- Spaniard and Edmund : Chains 400% Thirsty bastard...thirsty barking bastard... 400% -- Edmund to Spaniard : Chains 401% ...You are a fornicating baboon. 401% ...Que? 401% -- Edmund and Spaniard : Chains 402% I hope this scum has not...inconweenienced you. 402% It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to 402% inconweenience _me_... 402% -- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains 403% Unless she pays up, you will die. Howwibly. 403% She _will_ pay up. And then _you_ will die. Howwibly howwibly. 403% -- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains 404% You find yourself amusing, Herr Blackadder. 404% I try not to fly in the face of public opinion... 404% -- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains 405% I think...that in a week from now, you will be less in the mood for 405% being amusing. 405% At least when I'm in the mood, I _can_ be amusing. 405% -- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains 406% ...There was an old shepherd with whom you used to talk. 406% Good Lord! Not...Dimkins? 406% Yes! _I_...I was one of his sheep. 406% One of his sheep? Not...? 406% Yes! 406% Flossy???!!! 406% Yes! 406% But didn't we.... 406% Yes, Lord Melchett!! 406% -- Ludwig and Melchett : Chains 407% She has a difficult choice in front of her, has she not? 407% ...Not really. Bad luck, Mellchers. 407% -- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains 408% What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up? 408% That depends whether you want the slop-bucket over your head or not. 408% -- Melchett and Edmund : Chains 409% Well, perhaps some pleasant word-game? 409% Alright...Make a sentence out of the following words...'Face...sodding 409% ...your...shut'. 409% -- Melchett and Edmund : Chains 410% Are you suggesting we betray her? 410% Oh, yes. 410% ...Alright. 410% -- Edmund and Ludwig : Chains 411% Blackadder, what are you saying? What of loyalty? Honour? Self-respect? 411% What of them? 411% ...Nothing. 411% -- Melchett and Edmund : Chains 412% Ludwig was a master of disguise. Whereas Nursy is a sad, insane old 412% woman with an udder fixation. 412% -- Edmund : Chains 413% Did you...miss me? 413% I certainly did. Many was the time I said to myself...'I wish _Percy_ 413% were here...' 413% Oh!... 413% '...being tortured instead of me...' 413% -- Percy and Edmund : Chains 414% Did you miss _me_, my lord? 414% Um..._Baldrick_, is it? 414% That's right. 414% No, not really. 414% -- Baldrick and Edmund : Chains -- .-------------------..-------------------------..----------------------------. | Matt P Clifton - || ch0mpc@uk.ac.bath.gdt | I know who you are! You're | | Shoggoth Hunter || | Merlin the Happy Pig !!! | `-------------------'`-------------------------'`----------------------------'