X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.arts.drwho: 9720 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!sun-barr!ames!haven.umd.edu!uunet!mcsun!uknet!ukc!dcl-cs!gdt!ch0mpc Newsgroups: rec.arts.drwho Subject: Quote Server (3) Message-ID: <1991Oct31.152741.22081@gdt.bath.ac.uk> From: ch0mpc@gdt.bath.ac.uk (Matt Clifton) Date: 31 Oct 91 15:27:41 GMT Organization: School of Chemistry, University of Bath, UK Lines: 445 This is part 2 of the quote list (122-244). 123%Basil: They're very busy today. 123%Mrs R: Busy. Tch. (she moves off) 123%Basil: There was a lot of bloodshed at the Nell Gwynn tea-rooms last 123% night. 124%Major: ...I always call her Winnie 'cos she looks like Winnie. 124%Basil: ...She's not black! 124%Major: Black? Churchill wasn't black. 125%Mrs R: It's ten pounds short. 125%Basil: (dramatically) It's not!! Ten pounds short! Oh my _God_! Don't 125% worry, we'll have a whip-round! (grabs the blind box and shakes 125% it frantically upside-down) 126%Mrs R: You're not explaining anything. You're completely loopy. Mad as 126% a March hare. 126%Basil: Yes. Yes, I am, yes, I'm completely loopy. That's why I gave _him_ 126% the money to look after. 127% Basil: Tell Mrs Richards. Tell her I had the money yesterday. 127%Manuel: (with pride) Ahem. I know nothing. 127% Basil: What? 127%Manuel: I know nothing. 127% Basil: No, no... 127%Manuel: _Nothing_. 128% Basil: You can tell her. 128%Manuel: No, I cannot. 128% Basil: Yes, yes, tell her, tell her, please, please tell her, tell her.. 128% ..I'll kill you if you don't. 129%Basil: ...Right. (He opens the till by banging it with his head and takes 129% ten pounds out.) Ten pounds. (He slaps it down on the counter and 129% starts taking his shirt off.) 129%Sybil: What are you doing? 129%Basil: I'm going to give her the shirt off my back too. 130%Manuel: (poking his head out of the kitchen) You see, I know nothing. 130% Basil: I'm going to sell you to a vivesectionist. 131%Basil: (to phone) ...I've been trying to get through to the speaking 131% clock...Well, it's engaged...Well, it's been engaged for ten 131% minutes. How is this possible, my wife isn't talking to it. 132%Sybil: Oh well, you're only single once. 132%Basil: (OOV, from office) Twice can be arranged. 133%Basil: (comes in and stares at Johnson who is on the simian side) Have 133% we got enough bananas this week, dear? 134%Sybil: Did you hear it, Basil? 134%Basil: What, dear? 134%Sybil: The joke. 134%Basil: Oh, a joke. No, I heard you laughing, I thought perhaps he was 134% having a tea party. 135%Sybil: You mean you think he looks like a monkey. 135%Basil: Only from some angles. 136%Basil: Sybil, that type would wear a dog turd round its neck if it were 136% made of gold. 137%Sybil: It goes back to the dawn of civilization. 137%Basil: Well, by the look of his forehead, so does he. 138%Basil: It's hard to imagine Earl Haig wandering around with his shirt 138% open to the waist, covered with identity bracelets. 139%Sybil: She has these, well, morbid fears they are really...vans is one... 139% ..rats, doorknobs, birds, open spaces...confined spaces, it's very 139% difficult getting the space right for her really, you know... 139% Mr J: Mmmm. 139%Sybil: Footballs, bicycles, cows..and she's always on about men following 139% her..I don't know what she thinks they're going to do to her... 139% ..vomit on her, Basil says... 140%Basil: Attractive woman. How old would you say she was, Sybil? 140%Sybil: Forty-eight, fifty. 140%Basil: Oh now, Sybil... 140%Sybil: I really don't know, Basil. Perhaps she's twelve. 141%Basil: Yes, nice to have that kind of person staying, isn't it. 141% Professional class. Educated, civilised...(he looks at Johnson) 141% We've got both ends of the evolutionary scale this week, 141% haven't we. 142% Mr J: Is there anywhere they do French food? 142%Basil: Yes, France, I believe. They seem to like it there. And the swim 142% would certainly sharpen your appetite. You'd better hurry, the 142% tide leaves in six minutes. 143%Mrs Abbott: I'm a paediatrician. 143% Basil: Feet? 143%Mrs Abbott: Children. 143% Sybil: Oh, Basil! 143% Basil: Well, children have feet, don't they? That's how they move 143% around, my dear. You must take a look next time, it's most 143% interesting. 144%Basil: Keep back, keep back. 144%Polly: ...What is it? 144%Basil: ...Abbott... 144%Polly: What's the matter with him? 144%Basil: ..Psychiatrist... 145%Sybil: We were talking about Scotland. 145%Basil: Scotland? What's he want to know about Scotland? 146%Basil: (pointing to Sybil) This Basil's wife. (Points to himself) This 146% Basil. This...slap on head. 147%Basil: (raising his glass to Polly) Well...cheerio. 147%Sybil: (confiscating glass) Cheerio, Basil. 147%Basil: Well, that smelt nice. 148%Basil: I'm not nervous. I'm just saying 'take it easy'. All right? All 148% of us. Just take it easy, right? 148%Sybil: What's got into you? 148%Basil: Nothing's got into me. I just said 'take it easy'. Can't I say 148% 'take it easy' without starting a panic? (with increasing mania) 148% I mean, what is going on here? 149%Terry: Look, Mr Fawlty, take it easy. 149%Basil: Now look... get one thing clear. All right? You don't tell me to 149% take it easy. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay 149% _you_ to take it easy. No - I pay you to _tell_ you to take it 149% easy. So take it easy. All right? 150%Basil: He gets paid for sticking his nose... 150%Sybil: Oh, Basil... 150%Basil: No, I'm going to have my say..into people's private..um..details. 150% Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger 150% nosing about in my private parts. Details. 151%Basil: Hallo! You know, we were at cross purposes just now, there you 151% were talking about sex, and _I_ thought you were talking about 151% walks. Not sex!! Holidays. Holidays. Sex! Ha, ha, ha... 152%Basil: We have a Spanish porter - we're training him at the moment... 152% be quicker to train an (loudly, after Johnson) _ape_!! 153% Basil: Are you in fact Australian, by any chance, may I ask? 153%Raylene: Oh dear, is my accent that strong? 153% Basil: Oh no, no, no, it's just that you're quite tall, so I thought... 154%Miss Tibbs: Did you know there's a psychiatrist staying? 154% Basil: ...Yes, yes I did. 154%Miss Tibbs: Has he come for the Major? 155% (Basil advances on Manuel, picks him up, turns him upside-down and 155% shakes him furiously) 155%Basil: I am punishing you for being alive. And as long as you go on being 155% alive, I shall go on... 156% (Dr Abbott exits his room. Basil leaps out of the cupboard brandishing 156% a broom.) 156%Basil: Right! The game's up. (he sees who he has confronted; his eyes 156% stray to a spot high on the wall) Up there. Bit of game pie, got 156% stuck up there. 157% (Sybil has noticed Basil's finger sticking out of the wardrobe, 157% holding the door shut.) 157%Sybil: Basil. 157% (There is no response. She bangs on the door. The finger disappears 157% rapidly. Basil comes out.) 157%Basil: Oh hallo dear..just checking the doors... 158%Basil: Shut up. 158%Sybil: Oh, you've done it now. 158%Basil: No, I haven't, I'm just going to. I'm fed up with you, you... 158% rancorous coiffeured old sow. Why don't you syringe the dough- 158% nuts out of your ears and get some sense into the dormant organ 158% you keep hidden in that rat's maze of yours? 159%Basil: Mother Johnson. Mother Johnson. Come out, come out, wherever you 159% are. (a very nice and very elderly lady appears at the door) How 159% do you do, are you enjoying yourself?... 160%Mrs J: Well, I really do think they're off. 160%Basil: But you've eaten half of them. 160%Mrs J: Well I didn't notice it at the start. 160%Basil: You didn't notice it at the start? 160%Mrs J: Well, it was the sauce, you see. I wasn't sure. 160%Basil: So you ate half to _make_ sure? 161%Basil: Well, only _half_ of it's inedible, apparently. 161% Mr J: Well deduct half now, and if my wife brings the other half up 161% during the night, we'll claim the balance in the morning. 162% Mr H: Look, I'm sure your chef knows how to fix me a Waldorf salad, huh? 162%Basil: I wouldn't be _too_ sure. 163%Basil: ...Or the grapefruit? 163% Mr H: How's it done? 163%Basil: Well, it's halved, with a cherry in the centre. 164%Basil: I _have_ looked. There's no celery, there's no grapes...walnuts! 164% That's a laugh, easier to find a packet of sliced hippopotamus in 164% suitcase sauce than a walnut in this bloody kitchen. 165%Sybil: Now we've got apples. 165%Basil: Oh terrific! Let's celebrate. We'll have an apple party. Everybody 165% brings his own apple and stuffs it down somebody's throat. 166%Basil: You think I don't know? I mean, you only have to eat here. We have 166% to live with it. I had to pay his fare all the way from Barcelona. 166% But we can't get the staff, you see. It's a nightmare. 167%Basil: What is sugar doing in the salt cellar? What do you think we pay 167% you for? 167%Polly: My staying power? 168%Terry: The better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you read George 168% Orwell's experiences at Maxim's in Paris? 168%Basil: No, do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court! 169%Miss Gurke: I'm sorry, but do you think we could cancel our fruit salads? 169% Sybil: Well it's a little tricky, Chef's just opened the tin. 170%Sybil: I'm sure you can cope. 170%Basil: Oh, yes, I can cope. Coping's easy. Not pureeing your loved ones, 170% that's the difficult part. 171%Basil: It's my turn, is it? Oh yes! So it is. Funny, it's been my turn 171% for fifteen years. Still, when I'm dead it'll be your turn, dear - 171% you'll be 'it'. 172% Mr J: (seeing his lambs vanishing) Excuse me, there are two lambs here. 172%Basil: I'll have them removed if they're bothering you. 173%Basil: If you'd like them warmed up? 173% Mr J: Forget it. (exits angrily) 173%Basil: You can get your wife to sit on 'em. 174% Mr H: Couldn't find the freeway. Had to take a little back street called 174% the M5. 174%Basil: Well I'm sorry it wasn't wide enough for you. A lot of the English 174% cars have steering wheels. 175%Mr H: Nine. Nine. Why does your chef stop at nine? Has he got something 175% terminal? 176%Mr H: What the hell's wrong with this country? You can't get a drink 176% after three, you can't eat after nine, is the war still on? 177% Mr H: Two screwdrivers. 177%Basil: I understand. And you'll leave the drinks. 177% Mr H: What? 177%Basil: Nothing to drink. 177% Mr H: What do you mean, 'nothing to drink'? 177%Basil: Well, you can't drink your screwdrivers, can you? Ha ha. 178%Sybil: Mr and Mrs Hamilton were just telling me about California. You 178% can swim in the morning and then in the afternoon you can drive up 178% into the mountains and ski. 178%Basil: Must be rather tiring. 179%Mrs H: How long have you been married, Mrs Fawlty? 179%Sybil: Oh, since 1485. 180% Mr H: ...Could you make me a Waldorf salad. 180%Basil: ...I think we're just out of Waldorfs. 181% Mr H: What I'm suggesting is that this is the crummiest, shoddiest, 181% worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe. 181%Major: No! No! I won't have that! There's a place in Eastbourne... what's 181% it's name... 182%Mrs J: We're not satisfied. 182%Basil: Well, people like you never are, are you? 182%Mrs J: What? 182%Basil: There is nothing I could do would please a pair like you short of 182% putting straw in the rooms. 183% Mr H: And if you move off that spot, Fawlty, I'm going to bust your ass. 183%Basil: Everything's bottoms, isn't it? 184%Basil: Well let me put it this way, dear - either they go or I go. (Sybil 184% just looks at him) Right! 185% Major: What is it? 185%Mrs Chase: He's a little Chitzu. 185% Major: Is he really?...Oh, dear. What breed is it? 186%Basil: If only one could keep them in airtight containers. 186%Major: Wouldn't be able to breathe, would he, Fawlty? 186%Basil: Well he could try, Major, he could try. 187%Basil: Anything else for you? 187% Man: Er, no, thank you...it's a bit late and we'd better..get upstairs. 187%Basil: Quite, quite. (to himself) Sorry to have kept you. 188% Basil: Good night. (Leeman does not respond) I said, 'Good night'. 188%Leeman: Oh, good night. 188% Basil: That didn't hurt, did it. 189%Sybil: He's not feeling very well, Basil. 189%Basil: He only had to say 'Good night', dear. It's not the Gettysburg 189% address. 190% Basil: Rosewood, mahogany, teak? 190%Leeman: ...I beg your pardon? 190% Basil: What would you like your breakfast tray made out of? 191%Basil: Fine, well you go along and have a really good night's sleep then- 191% I'm hoping to get a couple of hours later on myself... (shouting 191% after Leeman) but I'll be up in good time to serve you your 191% breakfast in bed. (Leeman has now gone) If you can remember to 191% sleep with your mouth open you won't even have to wake up. I'll 191% just drop in small pieces of lightly buttered kipper when you're 191% breathing in the right direction, if that doesn't put you out. 191% (imitates Sybil ; slaps himself on wrist) Basil! 192%Mrs Chase: Don't you have dogs in Calcutta? 193%Basil: (peering at the kippers) Poisoning is still an offence in this 193% country, you know, Sybil. 194%Basil: Are you listening to me...Hello, hello...can anyone hear me? Have 194% I ceased to exist? Have I become invisible? Sybil, Sybil, Sybil... 194% can you see me? 194%Sybil: (looking round at him) No. 194%Basil: Oh, good. Well, I'll go and lie down then. No I won't, I'll go and 194% hit some guests. 195%Basil: Oh joy!! Oh, _thank_ you God! Isn't it wonderful!!! Oh, I'm so 195% happy! Hooray! (Polly is trying to restrain him) Hoo...(he turns 195% and sees Dr Price standing there with Sybil) Sad, isn't it. Tch, 195% tch, tch. 196%Basil: Yes, it's so final, isn't it. 196%Sybil: Basil! 196%Basil: Well, wouldn't you say it was final, dear, I'd say it was pretty 196% bloody final. 197%Basil: If the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" I don't 197% immediately think 'Oh there's another one snuffed it in the night' 197% Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance. I mean, 197% this is a hotel, not the Burma Railway. 198%Basil: Well I mean, it does actually say 'hotel' outside, you know. 198% Perhaps I should be more specific. 'Hotel for people who have a 198% better than fifty percent chance of making it through the night'.. 198% ..why are you staring at me like that for? 198%Sybil: (goes over to him; quietly) Basil, there's a kipper sticking out 198% of your jumper. 199%Miss Gatsby: You're very cheerful this morning, Mr Fawlty. 199% Basil: (cheerfully) Yes, well one of the guests has just died. 200% (Polly slaps Miss Tibbs, who folds up and falls to the floor) 200%Basil: (to Polly) Oh, spiffing! Absolutely spiffing. Well done! Two dead, 200% twenty five to go. 201%Basil: ...I mean, do you know what that fire extinguisher _did_? It 201% exploded in my face! I mean, what is the _point_ of a fire 201% extinguisher? It sits there for months, and when you actually 201% have a fire, when you actually _need_ the bloody thing...it 201% blows your head off!! I mean, what is happening to this country? 201% It's _Bloody Wilson_!!!! 202%Basil: Major, don't say anything to anyone, but he's dead. 202%Major: Ah!...Shot, was he? 203%Major: Fawlty, I...I shouldn't let him lie around here, you know. 203%Basil: No, no, the undertakers are coming to get him. 203%Major: Ah! 'Cos they attract the flies, you see. 204%Sybil: What d'you put him _there_ for? 204%Basil: Well, he wouldn't fit in the safe, and all the drawers were full. 205%Dr Price: (sitting) I'm having sausages. 205% Manuel: (confiscating the cruet) Is not allowed. 205%Dr Price: Put that back. Look, I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor and I want my 205% sausages. 206%Basil: Manuel? Manuel - let me explain. (he pokes Manuel in the eye) 206% You understand? 207%Manuel: Mr Fawlty, I no want to work here anymore... 208%Sybil: You don't have to worry about Polly forgetting anything important, 208% Basil. 208%Basil: Don't I? 208%Sybil: No, you don't. 208%Basil: Oh good, how splendid. 208%Sybil: No, _she_ doesn't forget things. 208%Basil: ...Doesn't she? 208%Sybil: Well, can you remember the last time she did? 208%Basil: No, but then my memory isn't very good. 208%Sybil: You can say that again. 208%Basil: Oh, can I dear? Oh thank you. (clears his throat) I've forgotten 208% what it was. 209%Basil: The seventeenth of April. Well, well, well... 209%Sybil: Does that stir any memories in you, Basil? 209%Basil: ...Memories?...(his face lights up)...Agincourt? 210%Manuel: Is surprise party. 210% Basil: Yes. 210%Manuel: She not here. 210% Basil: Right. 210%Manuel: That is surprise. 211%Basil: Well, I'm sorry if you've been put out...I mean, you've had some 211% drinks, plenty of nuts, seen your old friends, had a few laughs, 211% but if that isn't enough, I'll...I'll refund your petrol for you. 212% Basil: The puffing up started after he'd gone, OK? 212%Virginia: After? 212% Basil: Yes, after. Are you taking notes? 213%Basil: Right. All right. Fine! All right, OK then, fine!! No problem. No 213% problem. Suits me. Good idea. I'll just pop upstairs and ask her 213% to stop dying and then you can all come up and identify her. 214%Polly: _You_ put on the dress. _You_ pretend to be your wife. 214%Basil: I've got a moustache! What's this supposed to be, a great big 214% hairy bogey? 215%Basil: (peeps into the bedroom) Yes, all right. She's ready now, come on 215% in. (the Major starts to go in; Basil steers him out) Yes,not you. 216%Sybil: I'm not staying. 216%Basil: Oh, aren't you? OK. 216%Sybil: What? 216%Basil: Well, I'm sure you know best, dear. 216%Sybil: You don't even want me to, do you. 216%Basil: Um...(picks a bit of thread off his jacket) Oh, what's that? 217%Basil: Two dead pigeons in watertank. Take out. (Manuel stares 217% suspiciously) It's not difficult, Manuel. This is not a 217% proposition from Wittgenstein. 218%Basil: Well, of course it's a rat! You have rats in Spain, don't you? 218% ...Or did Franco have them all shot? 219%Manuel: Is hamster. 219% Basil: Is not hamster. Hamsters are small and cuddly. Cuddle this, you'd 219% never play the guitar again. 220%Basil: Can't we get you on Mastermind, Sybil? Next contestant Sybil 220% Fawlty from Torquay, special subject the bleeding obvious. 221%Basil: I'll put an ad in the papers. Wanted, kind home for enormous 221% savage rodent. Answers to the name of Sybil. 222%Sybil: No! I cannot abide cruelty to living creatures. 222%Basil: Well, I'm a creature. You can abide it to me. 222%Sybil: You're not living. 223%Manuel: Mrs Fawlty, plase understand. If he go, I go. 223% Basil: (putting out his hand) Well, goodbye. 224%Sybil: Perhaps it would be simpler to have him put to S-L-E-E-P. 224%Basil: Who, Manuel or the rat? We might get a discount if we had 'em 224% both done. 225%Sybil: It's any night I want to go out with any of my friends, anyone at 225% all, any other members of the human race. 225%Basil: Well, I wouldn't call the Sherrins members of the human race,dear. 226%Sybil: How on earth did the two of us ever get together. Black magic, my 226% mother says. 226%Basil: Well she'd know, wouldn't she. Her and that cat. 227% Basil: Mr Carnegie the scavenger gourmet from...? 227%Carnegie: The Public Health Department. 227% Basil: Yes, but where were you born, Scavenger or down here in the 227% West Country? 228% (Basil snatches the plate away from under Mr Carnegie's nose) 228%Basil: Sorry. Not hot enough. (the plate burns him) Aaaagh! 229% Basil: There, there. 229%Ronald: What do you mean, 'There, there'? 229% Basil: It's all there. There, there, there and there. All there for 229% your enjoyment. 230% Basil: That's a misprint. 230%Ronald: A misprint? 230% Basil: Yes, it should say..um..'eel'. 230%Ronald: Eel escolope? 231% Polly: (to Basil) It's in the bag. 231% Basil: (nods, puts his finger at the side of his nose and winks, then, 231% to Mr Carnegie) Is your veal, er... 231% Polly: In _her_ bag. (she goes into the lobby) 231% Basil: (to Mr Carnegie) In _her_ bag? 231%Carnegie: What? 232%Carnegie: Specifically, lack of proper cleaning routines, dirty and 232% greasy filters, greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer, dirty 232% cracked and stained food preparation surfaces, dirty cracked 232% and missing wall and floor tiles, dirty marked and stained 232% utensils, dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator 232% hoods. Inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous 232% foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, 232% storage of raw meat above confectionary with dripping of meat 232% juices onto cream products, refrigerator seals cracked, icebox 232% undefrosted and refrigerator overstocked. Food handling routine 232% suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area, dirty 232% and grubby food handling overalls, lack of washhandbasin, and 232% two dead pigeons in the water tank. 232% Basil: ...Otherwise OK? 233% (The gun goes off in the bar) 233%Carnegie: Good God, what was that? 233% Basil: Bloody television exploding agian. 234%Mrs T: Veal substitute? 234%Polly: It's Japanese, actually - soya beans and essence of cow. 235%Basil: Yes, and the starling was in the garden and the rat was nowhere 235% at all. 235%Major: Well, I didn't see him. 235%Basil: (moving off) Say goodnight to the folks, Gracie. 236%Carnegie: Basil..the little... 236% Polly: Ratatouille. The chef calls the ratatouille Basil, because he 236% puts quite a lot of basil in it. 236% Manuel: (horrified) He put Basil in ratatouille? 236% Polly: Yes... 236% Manuel: Aaahh! (he runs into the kitchen, followed by Polly, still 236% clutching her net) 236% Sybil: (to Mr Carnegie) He's from Barcelona. 237%Basil: Well...look at it from the point of view of the rat. 237%Sybil: What? 237%Basil: Would you want to spend the rest of your life with Manuel waiting 237% on you? 238%Sybil: You took the pigeons out? 238%Basil: No, I left them in, they're nearly done. 239%Polly: We'll find him, Mr Fawlty. 239%Basil: Well if you could, that would be lovely. Before they close us 239% down. Super. 240%Basil: Come _back_? 240%Polly: (desperately) They home. 240%Basil: Oh, I see, he's a _homing_ rat, is he? 241%Polly: Basil...Basil...cheesies...Basil.. 241%Basil: Yes? (there is a thump and the table jerks upwards) Here I am! 242%Major: (taking the paper) Strike, strike, strike. Why do we bother, 242% Fawlty? 242%Basil: (to himself) I didn't know you did, Major. 243%Basil: (to Manuel) Let me tell you something. Depression is a _very bad 243% thing_. It's like a virus. If you don't stamp on it it spreads 243% throughout the mind, and then one day you wake up in the morning, 243% and you...you can't face life any more. 243%Sybil: And then you open a hotel. 244%Basil: We didn't win the war by getting depressed, you know! -- .-------------------..-------------------------..----------------------------. | Matt P Clifton - || ch0mpc@uk.ac.bath.gdt | I know who you are! You're | | Shoggoth Hunter || | Merlin the Happy Pig !!! | `-------------------'`-------------------------'`----------------------------'