X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.arts.drwho: 9716 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!sun-barr!ames!uakari.primate.wisc.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!wupost!uunet!mcsun!uknet!ukc!dcl-cs!gdt!ch0mpc Newsgroups: rec.arts.drwho Subject: Quote Server (2) Message-ID: <1991Oct31.152622.21902@gdt.bath.ac.uk> From: ch0mpc@gdt.bath.ac.uk (Matt Clifton) Date: 31 Oct 91 15:26:22 GMT Organization: School of Chemistry, University of Bath, UK Lines: 407 This is the first part of the quote file - quotes 1-122. 0%Basil: I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona. 1%Basil: I was up at five, you know, we do have staff problems, I'm 1% so sorry, it's all done by magic. 2%Sybil: How much did it cost? 2%Basil: Oh, I don't know...(vaguely)..fifteen? 2%Sybil: Forty. 2%Basil: (vaguely) Forty... 3%Basil: I mean, have you _seen_ the people in room six? They've never 3% even sat on chairs before. 4%Sybil: Fill this in, would you sir? 4%Basil: (quietly) If you _can_. 5%Sybil: What are you doing? 5%Basil: I'm kissing you, dear. 5%Sybil: Well, don't. 6% (The phone rings) 6%Basil: Could somebody answer that, please? (it goes on ringing) 6% ...Hallo! Is there nobody who can answer that? There must be 6% _someone_... (Manuel runs in and heads for the phone) Not you. 7%Basil: Hello, Lord Melbury!...BASTARD!!!!! 8% Basil: Ah now Manuel! While we're away... 8%Manuel: (proudly) One moment, please, I will get your bill! (he bows) 8% Basil: What? 8%Manuel: I will get your bill. Si? 8% Basil: What are you talking about? 8%Manuel: Listen, please...Today..we have veef, beal or sothahhhes! 8% Basil: What?! 8%Manuel: Bang..hhhers. 8% Basil: Shut up. 8%Manuel: Que? 8% Basil: Shut up! 8%Manuel: Oh, si, si,'Shut up'. Yes, I understand, yes. 8% Basil: Well, will you shut up, then? 8%Manuel: Si, si, I shut up. 8% Basil: While we're _away_... 8%Manuel: Shut up. 8% Basil: SHUT UP! 9%Sybil: Now, have I got everything? 9%Basil: (pianissimo) Handbag, knuckle-dusters, flick-knife... 10%Basil: ...Oh! Oh, I see!...It's my fault, is it?...Oh, of course, 10% there I was thinking it was your fault because I left you in 10% charge, or _Manuel's_ fault for not waking you, when all the 10% time it was _my_ fault! Oh, it's so obvious now, I've seen the 10% light! Ah well, I must be punished then, mustn't I? (slaps his 10% bottom) You're a naughty boy Fawlty, don't do it again! 11%Polly: (banging the phone) Call O'Reilly! 11%Basil: What? 11%Polly: Shall I call him? 11%Basil: No, I'll do it, I'll call him..(he starts dialling) You go and 11% see if the roof's still on. 12%Basil: (to phone, silkily) Hallo Mr O'Reilly, and how are you this 12% morning?...Oh, good, good, no rare diseases ar anything? 13%Manuel: Where is door? 13% Basil: Ah-ha! 13%Manuel: Door is gone. Door was here. 13% Basil: Where? (Picks Manuel up and slams his head into the wall in 13% three different places) Here?...or here?...or here? 14%O'Reilly: Just remember, Mr Fawlty, there's always someone worse off 14% than yourself. 14% Basil: Is there. Well, I'd like to meet him. I could do with a laugh. 15%O'Reilly: ...I tell you, if the Good Lord... 15% Basil: Is mentioned once more, I shall move you closer to him. 16%Basil: There! Look at that! That's Stubbs for you. Mind you, I warned 16% you! But still...a reputable builder like that! Choh! Tch,tch,tch. 16%Sybil: ...Stubbs? 16%Basil: Wicked. Tch. 16%Sybil: Where's O'Reilly, Basil? 16%Basil: (to himself) Criminal...(to Sybil) Hmmm? 16%Sybil: Where's O'Reilly? 16%Basil: O'Reilly? 16%Sybil: Yes, O'Reilly. 16%Basil: Sybil, you never cease to amaze me. Just because of this, you 16% automatically assume that it has to be O'Reilly, right? You just 16% assume that I have been lying all along! I mean, _why_ O'Reilly? 16%Sybil: Because his van's outside. 17%Basil: (shouting into phone) Is that someone there trying to pretend that 17% they're from Mr Stubbs's Company?!!...What sort of game do you 17% think you're playing? I mean, really! (slams phone down) Would you 17% believe what some of these people will do, Sybil? 17%Sybil: I am going to make you regret this for the rest of your life, 17% Basil. 17%Basil: Well fair enough, dear. But I think Stubbs is partly to blame... 18%Basil: Oh, _don't_ smile. 19%Basil: (calling after Sybil) Have a nice day, dear! Don't drive over 19% any mines or anything! 20%Basil: Ah, forMIDable. 21%Basil: Please don't alarm yourself. That's only my wife laughing. I'm 21% afraid her local finishing school was bombed. 22%Basil: Did you ever see that film, "How to Murder your Wife"? 22%Major: How to murder your wife? 22%Basil: Yes. Awfully good. I saw it six times. (to Sybil) Very funny. 23%Miss Gatsby: It must be the heat. 23% Miss Tibbs: Yes, he's getting taller, isn't he? 24%Basil: Please don't go on my account, Mr Turnip. 25%Basil: I'm sorry, did I say something funny? 25%Polly: No, I was just looking... 25%Basil: No, no, obviously I've said something frightfully comic. 25%Polly: No, it's just the heat. 25%Basil: Well as long as I amuse the staff, I mean that's all I'm here for. 26%Basil: (to phone) Hallo, Fawlty Titties? 27% Jean: Has it got a breeze? 27%Basil: Has it got a _breeze_? 27% Jean: Is it airy? 27%Basil: Well, it's got air _in_ it. 28%Basil: It's against the law. 28% Alan: What law? 28%Basil: The law of England. Nothing to do with me. 29%Basil: (to the departing Sybil) If you were my size... 30%Basil: Batteries, eh? Do you know something? You disgust me! I know 30% what people like you get up to, and I think it's _disgusting_. 31%Basil: Oh, I can't stand it any more. I'll go and clean the roof 31% or something... 32%Basil: How's Audrey? 32%Sybil: She's in a terrible state. 32%Basil: (absently) Ah, good, good. 33%Sybil: (OOV) Basil, are you alright? 33%Basil: No, I'm dying, but don't get out of bed. 34%Sybil: Tell them you made a mistake. 34%Basil: Oh, brilliant. Is that what made Britain great? 'I'm so sorry, 34% I made a mistake'. What have you got for a brain - spongecake? 35%Mrs Peignoir: Your wife shouldn't leave you alone with strange women. 35% Basil: Oh, I wouldn't call you _that_ strange. 36%Basil: Shut up, will you, you silly great tart! Go away! My wife will 36% hear us! 36%Sybil: This _is_ your wife. 37%Basil: Darling, when you've finished, why don't you go and have a nice 37% lie down? 38%Hutchinson: I don't understand this, where is the Post Office? 38% Basil: It's there, where it says 'Post Office'. I'm sorry if 38% it's confusing. 39%Hutchinson: Excuse me, excuse me, in how many minutes does luncheon 39% commence, please? 39% Basil: Here, I'll write it down. 40%Major: There's a psychiatrist in the hotel. 40%Basil: Yes, I know. 40%Major: You _know_? 40%Basil: Yes. 40%Major: Oh! Well apparently he's dressed up as a guest. 40%Basil: Well, he _is_ a guest, Major. (the Major wanders off; to 40% himself) Perhaps he _has_ come to get you. 41%Basil: Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown 41% again?...Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm? Or did you have 41% to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time 41% to perm your ears? 42%Hutchinson: Now, is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for 42% the duration of this televisual feast? 42% Basil: Why don't you talk properly? 43%Basil: Well I can assure you, they were perfectly fresh when they were 43% frozen. 44%Basil: Well, _this_ isn't table five, is it? (sees the plastic table 44% number, it says 'five') Tch. 45% Walt: Well, I did ask the waiter. 45%Basil: Well he's hopeless isn't he. You might as well ask the cat. 46%Sybil: (sweetly) How are you getting along with your hotel inspector? 46%Basil: ...Fine. Fine. 46%Sybil: He sells spoons. 47%Basil: No, he didn't, he did not order this, Poll, so why..has..he.. 47% ..got..one? 47%Polly: Because Mrs Fawlty told me to _give_ him one. 47%Basil: I know how she feels. 48%Basil: I'm afraid most of the people we get in here wouldn't know a 48% Bordeaux from a claret... 49%Hutchinson: I mean, all I wanted was a cheese salad. It wasn't as though 49% I'd ordered an _elephant's ear on a bun_, was it? 50% Basil: (happily) Ah ha ha ha ha. 50%Hutchinson: Did I say something _funny_, Mr Fawlty? 50% Basil: Well, sort of _pithy_, I suppose. 51%Basil: Now go away. If you ever come back I shall kill you. 52%Basil: Oh never mind, right, leave it to me, _I'll_ do it! (He strides 52% towards the hotel) _I'll_ mend the car, _I'll_ answer the phone, 52% then you can all handcuff and blindfold me and I'll clean the 52% windows... 53%Basil: Yes. Do you win a bun if you guess what it is? 54%Sybil: You still here, Basil? 54%Basil: No, I went a couple of minutes ago dear, but I expect I'll 54% be back soon. 55%Basil: Why don't you have another vat of wine, dear? 56%Mrs Heath: He's very clever, rather highly strung. 56% Basil: Yes, yes, he should be. 57%Ronald: They're the wrong shape. 57% Basil: Oh dear..what shape do you usually have? Mickey Mouse shape? 57% Smarties shape? Amphibious landing craft shape? Poke in the 57% eye shape? 58%Basil: Thursdays? Right. And on all the other nights we'll just have a 58% big trough of baked beans and garnish it with a couple of dead 58% dogs. 59% Basil: Get a clean one. 59%Manuel: Is clean now. 59% Basil: (wiping spoon on Manuel's hair) Is dirty now. 60%Miss Tibbs: What are you cooking? 60% Basil: I'll send you up a menu with your bread and cheese. 61%Basil: Well, how is that lovely daughter of yours? 61%Sybil: (quietly) She's _dead_. 61%Basil: (examining the Colonel's lapel keenly) I like your suit. Isn't it 61% super. The way those stripes go up and down. Really super. How 61% much did that cost, then? 62%Sybil: (stunned) I don't believe it! 62%Basil: Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. (He bangs his head hard on 62% the desk ; nothing happens) Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck 62% with it. 63%Sybil: Can I help? 63%Basil: Yes. Go and kill yourself. 64%Basil: Come on, start, will you?!! Start, you vicious bastard!!! Come 64% on! Oh, my God!! I'm warning you - if you don't start...(screams 64% with rage) I'll count to three. (He presses the starter, without 64% success) One..two..three!!! Right! That's it! (he jumps out of the 64% car and addresses it) You've tried it on just once too often! 64% Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the 64% line to you _time_ and _time_ again! Right! Well..this is it! 64% I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing! 65%Basil: This one? (holds up pink bed-jacket) 65%Sybil: That's not blue. 65%Basil: Well, it's got blue things _on_ it. 65%Sybil: They're flowers, and I didn't ask for the one with flowers, did I? 65%Basil: No, you didn't, quite right. I only picked that one up to annoy 65% you, actually. I mean, what have you got all this stuff _for_? 65% You're only here for three days. Are you going to play charades 65% every night? 66%Basil: You let me do it. You just lie there with your feet up and I'll 66% go and carry you up another hundredweight of lime creams... 67%Basil: Why _do_ they call you 'Sister'? Is it a term of endearment? 68%Sister: (seeing Basil) You still here? 68% Basil: Apparently. 69%Basil: Yes well, forgive and forget, Major...God knows how, the bastards. 70%Basil: (to Sybil, over phone) Anything else? I mean, would you like the 70% hotel moved a bit to the left, or... 71%Basil: I wish it was an ingrowing _tongue_. 72% (Manuel comes in, beaming, from the kitchen) 72% Basil: Ah, it's the Admirable Crichton. Well? 72%Manuel: You called, sir. 72% Basil: Last week, but not to worry. 73%Manuel: ...My hamster? 73% Basil: No, not your hamster! How can I bang a nail in with your 73% hamster? Well, I could try... 74%Polly: (to Sybil, over phone) No, he just fell over Manuel...and he seems 74% to have got himself jammed under the swivel chair...and the 74% flowers have just fallen on him...no, everything else is fine. 75%Basil: Right, right!! Just stay where you are, because obviously if there 75% _was_ a fire you'd all be standing around here like this in the 75% lobby, wouldn't you?...I don't know why we bother, we should let 75% you all burn... 76%Basil: (stares at Sister)...My God, you're ugly, aren't you? 77%Sister: I'll get the doctor. (She hurries out) 77% Basil: (calls after her) You need a plastic surgeon dear, not a doctor! 78%Basil: Oh, German! I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong 78% with you. 79%Basil: (hissing through his teeth) They're German. Don't mention the War. 80%Miss Tibbs: But it was a nasty knock. 80% Basil: Mmmmmmm...would you like one? 81%Basil: Right, right, here's the plan. I'll stand there and ask them if 81% they want something to drink before the war...before their lunch.. 81% ...don't mention the war! 82%Basil: I am the owner of Fawlty Towers, and may I welcome your war...your 82% wall...you wall..._you all_...Now, would you like to eat first, or 82% would you prefer a drink before the war...ning that trespassers 82% will be -er,er- tied up with piano wire...Sorry! Sorry! (clutches 82% his thigh) Bit of trouble with the old leg...got a touch of 82% shrapnel in the War..._Korean_, Korean War... 83%Basil: Oh, prawn, that was it. When you said _prawn_, I thought you said 83% _war_. Oh, the War! Oh yes, completely slipped my mind, yes, I'd 83% forgotten all about it (snaps his fingers) Sorry, what was it 83% again?... 84%Basil: Certainly, well, I'll just get your hors d'oeuvres...hors 84% d'oeuvres vich must be obeyed vithout kvestion!...Sorry! Sorry! 85%Basil: (whispers to Polly) Don't mention the War..._I_ mentioned it once, 85% but I think I got away with it all right...(he returns to his 85% guests) So it's all forgotten now and let's hear no more about it. 85% So that's two eggs mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering 85% and four Colditz salads...no,wait a moment, I got a bit confused 85% there, sorry...(one of the German ladies starts to sob) I got a 85% bit confused because everyone keeps mentioning the War, so could 85% you... 86%German: Will you stop talking about the war! 86% Basil: Me? You started it! 86%German: We did not start it. 86% Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland... 87%Basil: ...here, this'll cheer you up, you'll like this one, there's this 87% woman, she's completely stupid, she can never remember anything, 87% and her husband's in a bomber, over Berlin... 88%Basil: Who won the bloody War, anyway ??!!! 89% Polly: Manuel, could you lend Mrs Richards your assistance in connection 89% with her reservation. 89% Mrs R: (to Manuel) Now, I've reserved a very quiet room with a bath and 89% a sea view. I specifically asked for a sea view in my written 89% confirmation, so please be sure I have it. 89%Manuel: ...Que? 90% Mrs R: What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the 90% manager's a Mr Watt and he's aged forty. 90%Manuel: No. No. Fawlty. 90% Mrs R: Faulty? What's wrong with him? 91%Basil: A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed. 92%Major: Going to have a flutter, Fawlty? 92%Basil: No-o, no, no... 92%Sybil: No, Basil doesn't bet on the horses any more, Major, do you dear? 92%Basil: No dear, I don't. No, that particular avenue of pleasure has been 92% closed off. 92%Sybil: And we don't want it opened up again, do we, Basil? 92%Basil: No, you don't dear, no. 93%Major: Why did he kill it, anyway, Fawlty? 93%Basil: I don't know, Major. Better than marrying it. 94% Basil: I am the manager as well. 94%Manuel: Manaher! Him manaher! 94% Basil: Shut up. 95%Mrs R: You call _that_ a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's 95% disgraceful. (she moves to the window) 95%Basil: (muttering) I wish _you_ were a mouse, I'd show you. 96%Mrs R: (at the window, which has a nice view) And another thing - I asked 96% for a room with a view. 96%Basil: (to himself) Deaf, mad _and_ blind. (goes to window) This is the 96% view as far as I can remember, madam. Yes, this is it. 96%Mrs R: When I pay for a view I expect something more interesting than 96% that. 96%Basil: That is Torquay, madam. 96%Mrs R: Well, it's not good enough. 96%Basil: Well...may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay 96% hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging 96% Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeeste sweeping majestically... 97%Mrs R: I'd need a telescope to see that. 97%Basil: Well, may I suggest you consider moving to a hotel closer to the 97% sea. Or preferably _in_ it. 98%Mrs R: I'm not satisfied, but I have decided to stay. However, I shall 98% expect a reduction. 98%Basil: Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment? 99%Mrs R: The room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible 99% and the radio doesn't work. 99%Basil: No, the radio works. You don't. 99%Mrs R: What? 99%Basil: I'll see if I can fix it, you scabby old bat. 100% Mrs R: First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no 100% lavatory paper. 100% Miss Tibbs: Oh! 100%Miss Gatsby: Would you like some of ours? 101%Mrs R: Manager! Manager! 101%Basil: (appearing from kitchen) Yes? Testing, testing... 102%Mrs P: Didn't you see? 102%Polly: Yes. 102%Mrs P: Didn't God give you eyes? 102%Polly: Yes, but I don't use them 'cos it wears the batteries out. 103%Basil: Evening, Terry. (Sings a quick bit of Cav) Do you like 103% Cavallero Rusticana, Terry? 103%Terry: I never had it, Mr Fawlty. 104%Basil: De Campdown ladies sing dis song, doo dah, doo dah, de Camptown 104% racetrack five miles long, doo dah doo dah dey. Going to run all 104% night...(Sybil enters) Going to run all day...I'll bet my money 104% on the bob-tail nag...(sees Sybil)..I did it my-y way. Can't stand 104% Frank Sinatra. 105%Sybil: You seem very jolly. 105%Basil: Jolly? 105%Sybil: Yes, jolly. Sort of happy. 105%Basil: Oh, 'happy'. Yes, I remember that. 106%Sybil: All that dancing about, singing and rubbing your hands. 106%Basil: Just my way of getting through the day, dear. The Samaritans were 106% engaged. 107%Basil: (putting his hand round Manuel's throat) It doesn't matter..look.. 107% it doesn't matter..Oh..I could spend the rest of my life having 107% this conversation. Please try to understand before one of us dies. 108% Basil: _Don't say anything to anyone about the horse_!!! 108%Manuel: Oh, I _know_ that, you tell me that this morning. Tch! Choh!! 108% (Basil stares. Sybil puts her head around the door.) 108% Sybil: Basil. 108% Basil: (to Manuel) So don't do it again. 109%Sybil: It's Mrs Richards. 109%Basil: A fatal accident? 110%Sybil: (to Mrs Richards) Did you bang your head? 110%Mrs R: Yes, yes. 110%Basil: You'd better go and lie down before something else happens. 111%Mrs R: I can get down the stairs perfectly well by myself. 111%Basil: _Down_ the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the 111% basement. Give my regards to the earth's core. 112%Basil: (offering something he has found on the floor) Is this a piece 112% of your brain? 113%Basil: And if you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the 113% small hours and put a bat up your nightdress. 114%Basil: Well that was fun, wasn't it dear. The odd moment like that, it's 114% almost worth staying alive for. (Sybil is poker-faced) It's nice 114% to share a moment like that, isn't it dear. It's what marriage is 114% all about. I know, I read it on the back of a matchbox. 115%Basil: Seriously, Sybil, do you remember, when we were first...manacled 115% together, we used to laugh quite a lot. 115%Sybil: (pushing him away) Yes, but not at the same time, Basil. 116%Basil: Zoom! -what was that? That was your life, mate. Oh, that was 116% quick, do I get another? Sorry mate, that's your lot. 117%Sybil: What was the name of the horse? 117%Polly: Er..the name..I've gone blank... 117% (Basil dashes to the dining-room door, behind Sybil. He mouths 117% 'Dragonfly'. Polly stares. He points to Sybil and flaps his hands.) 117%Polly: Bird Brain! 118%Sybil: Bird Brain? 118%Polly: No,no, that came in third. (Basil makes flapping movements, then 118% points to Sybil ) Fishwife. 119%Basil: ...Would you care for a rat? Or..Just...Just the biscuits then. 120%Polly: No, no, not Fishwife. ( Basil points at Sybil, then at his fly.) 120% Small..fly! Flying.. Flying Tart! 121%Sybil: If I find out the money on that horse was yours, you know what 121% I'll do, Basil. (she exits upstairs) 121%Basil: (calling after her) You'll have to sew 'em back on first! 122%Mrs R: (off, loudly) Watt! 122%Basil: (seeing Mrs Richards) I didn't _say_ anything. -- .-------------------..-------------------------..----------------------------. | Matt P Clifton - || ch0mpc@uk.ac.bath.gdt | I know who you are! You're | | Shoggoth Hunter || | Merlin the Happy Pig !!! | `-------------------'`-------------------------'`----------------------------'