.title Pardon The Beaver
.fg 20
.c;^&Pardon The Beaver\&
.s
.c;Paul Smitherman
.c;Mike Sterner
.nmpg 1
.page
.;
.lm 8.p -8.at
Beaver: Gosh, Jimmy, Ya know it sure is boring here at the Florence state Pen.
Jimmy: Yeah, well, ever since you got us arrested and convicted of having
 our math teacher killed, we haven't had anything to do.
Beaver: Yeah, I hate math. Besides, it was your idea, Jimmy !
Jimmy: Was not. So, Beave, how long is "thirty years to life?"
Beaver: Gee, I dunno. I guess it could be a long time if you're just
 a kid. Maybe we can get out on parole.
Jimmy: But we're not even eligible for another ten years!
Beaver: Gee, whiz... by the time we get out, we'll be too old to have fun.
 (Guard walks in)
Guard: OK, you lousy cons, let's go! C'mon, hit the yard!
 (the Guard, Jimmy, and Beaver exit and Wally and Eddy enter)
Eddie: Shucks, Wally. I don't know why we let that kid brother of yours 
 talk us into killing old Mrs. Perkins.
Wally: Yeah, the little shrimp must have saved a lot of lunch money to
 give us that 5,000 dollars.
Eddie: I wondered why it was all in quarters. Too bad we got caught.
Wally: Yeah. But I guess it was worth it to take Mary Lou and Betty to
 the malt shop 7,000 times (A commotion is heard outside)
Eddie: Hey, sounds like a fight. (Guard and Beaver enter. Beaver is
 being restrained).
Beaver: C'mon you lousy screw, lemee go!
Wally: Gee, what's going on, sir?
Guard: Your punk brother just gouged Rutherford's eyes out, Cleaver.
Wally: Lumpy Rutherford? Golly, Beaver. Why'd you do a stupid thing
 like that?
Beaver: Gosh, Wally. Lumpy was always giving me a hard time. I'm sick
 of being gang-raped.
Guard: OK, Cleaver, you're in big trouble now.
Beaver: Gee whiz.
Eddie: Your kid brother is such a little goon, Wally.
Wally: Aw, lay off the Beave, Eddy. He's only ten years old. (Guard,
 Wally, and Eddy exit)
Jimmy: What are you going to do now, Beave?
Beaver: I dunno.
Jimmy: Hey, Beave! Why don't you just grab one of the guards, take his
 gun, and make him open the front gates and let us out?
Beaver: Naw, I don't think we should.
Jimmy: Aw, c'mon, Beave. You know what's gonna happen to you when Lumpy
 gets out of the hospital if you're still around.
Beaver: (considers) Yeah, I guess you're right, Jimmy.
Jimmy: OK, here comes the guard. I'll act like I'm sick. (Guard walks in)
Beaver: Excuse me, sir. I think Jimmy's real sick. I think he ate some Drano
 or something.
Guard: OK, Lemme see. Get away from the door, Cleaver. (Guard opens the cell and
 approaches Jimmy who throws up on him. Then Beaver grabs the guard.)
Beaver: OK, screw, let's go.
Jimmy: (as they leave) Good goin', Beave! (exit. Lights)
.p0
Lights on. Beaver, Guard, and Jimmy enter shielding their eyes
.p-8
Beaver: Okay, get ready to open the gate, or I'll blow your brains out.
 (suddenly, a booming voice)
Voice: OK, Cleaver, don't move. We've got 25 guns aimed right at you and
 your friend. Give up, now.
Jimmy: (runs) Better make a run for it, Beave. (He is showered with bullets,
 and falls wounded.
 Beaver, seeing this, drops the gun and throws up his arms. Lights)
June: (Lights on. The office of Ward-en) Is it true what I heard about the
 Beaver's conduct, Ward-en?
Warden: Yes, June, I'm afraid I'm going to have to punish him severely this
 time. (Enter Guard, Wally, and the Beaver, who has his hands cuffed
 behind him).
Beaver: Gee, Dad. I'm really sorry.
Warden: That's no excuse, Beaver.
June: Please, Ward-en. Don't be too hard on the boy.
Warden: I'm sorry, but mutilative assault and attempted escape, all in
 one day. This is very serious.
Wally: Aw, c'mon Dad. The Beave's just a little squirt.
Warden: I know, Wally, but this time I'm going to have to put my foot down.
 Beaver, I'm giving you the chair.
Beaver: Aw, gee Dad, but ...
Warden: No "but"s Beaver. Now go wash up for dinner.
Beaver: Aaaaaahhh... (the Guard escorts him out)
.p0
Pause
.p-8
June: Well, I just hope the Beaver learns his lesson.
Warden: I hope so, too, Dear.