X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.humor.funny: 1390 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!usc!samsung!uunet!looking!funny-request Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: More from the one liner file (7/11) Message-ID: From: funny-request@clarinet.com Date: 6 Nov 91 11:30:04 GMT Reply-To: individual submitters Keywords: various, swearing, sexual Approved: brad@clarinet.com Lines: 351 Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF, I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly present all these items in the digest as individual articles. Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.) These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes. = = = = = = = From: mickfm@deakin.oz.au What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take it for a drag. = = = = = = = From: patti@hosehead.intel.com Subject: Documentation Musings While discussing product proposals lately, we began to wonder about something. Is the word spec short for specification, or for speculation? = = = = = = = From: cep@apple.com (Christopher Pettus) Subject: An Elegant Insult Passed on to me by a friend ... They had a guy on NPR this morning, hawking his new book about the art of the insult. His favorite insult of all time took place between two members of the French legislature (I think; I didn't pay much attention to the historical details): Politician 1: You, my friend, will surely end up on the gallows or poxed. Politician 2: That depends, of course, on whether I embrace your philosophy, or your mistress. = = = = = = = From: SBROWN@kentvm.kent.edu (Steven R. Brown) Subject: MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS the elderly = the chronologically gifted = = = = = = = Organization: Wayne State University From: MEDELMA@cms.cc.wayne.edu Subject: Thanksgiving Phobias From our staff artist/Hypercard wizard, Eric Iverson: "...This time of year it's quite common for people to suffer from Cornuphobia...that is, Fear of Plenty..." = = = = = = = Organization: Johns Hopkins University From: levene@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu (Robert A. Levene) Subject: Not Necessarily the news.* Edited slightly and reprinted with permission from the .signature of cdr@hobbes.amd.com (Carl Rigney) ... "Imminent Death of the Net Predicted. GIFs at 11." Rob (levene@aplcomm.jhuapl.edu) = = = = = = = From: jsb@panix.UUCP (J. S. B'ach) Subject: New Answers to Old Questions Q. When is a door not a door? A. When it's Val Kilmer. = = = = = = = From: danthrax@triton.unm.edu (Loki) Subject: bagpipes {Heard this from one Fred Tart, President of Sandia Budokan} Gentleman: (n) A man who knows how to play bagpipes... and refrains. = = = = = = = From: vahalia@xlib.enet.dec.com (12-Apr-1991 1319) Subject: looking for love in all the wrong places Q. What do horny French tourists do in Pakistan? A. Go to Lahore = = = = = = = Subject: Secretarys' Week From: eliot@dg-rtp.dg.com (Topher Eliot) In honor of National Secretarys' Week, enlightened employers should know the correct way to spell "praise". Without the "p". = = = = = = = From: mccap@cobalt.cco.caltech.edu (jim) Subject: Overheard Overheard in a bar: "I just don't understand. Though I begin to suspect it's something about my attitude towards women that keeps me from getting laid...." = = = = = = = From: bank@lea.csc.ncsu.edu (Belgarath the Sorcerer) Subject: Quoted from a microbiology grad student Graduate School: It's not just a job, its an indenture. (My girlfriend was the first one *I* ever heard say this, but someone else says they heard it before so we can't claim originality) = = = = = = = From: john@sequent.com (John Vander Borght) Subject: Latest Music Scandal This occurred to me this morning while I was watching M-TV here in Munich (its the only English language channel in my hotel). We've all heard of the Milli Vanilli and Paula Abdul controversies, now there is a rumor that Bart Simpson is lip-synching on "Do the Bartman". It seems like someone must have said this before so sorry if it's old, but I did think of it myself. = = = = = = = From: MONET01@umcvmb.UUCP (Gerry Howser) Subject: pinball, theory, Howser's Law This is semi-origional, one of those "over many pitchers of beer" findings. Howser's Law of Negative Balance (also known as the Pinball Theory of Balance) "Any situation can be driven to a point of 'negative balance' which is that point at which whatever you do, including doing nothing, will make matters worse". A prime example of this is pinball. In pinball, when you are really racking up the points, anything you do will make it more likely that you will lose the ball or tilt. = = = = = = = From: MEDELMA@cms.cc.wayne.edu (Michael Edelman) Subject: unix humor Another from staff ace Eric Iverson (eiverso@cms.cc.wayne.edu) relayed by request: Unix weenies? That's a contradiction in terms... = = = = = = = From: bryan_cardoza@npd.novell.com (Bryan Cardoza) Subject: What kind of humor? True story: After regaling my wife with the latest contributions to this group, she asked, "Just where do you read 'rectal humor dot funny?'" = = = = = = = From: sshapiro@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Stewart Shapiro) Subject: just a little off season Heard this from a friend: Q: What did the blind person say when given some matzah? A: Who the hell wrote this? = = = = = = = From: jms@netcom.com (John Schonholtz) Subject: And thank you for flying.... [A flight announcement heard by a friend, on an airline that shall remain nameless.] "Ladies and gentleman, we have just found out that we have a very special passenger with us. Today he is celebrating his 100th birthday. So let's all give a big hand to the pilot!" = = = = = = = From: mjl@cs.rit.edu (Michael J Lutz) Subject: Joke about aging -- mildly funny or depressing -- you pick [ This will appeal to those who were around before timesharing was common. It will have less immediate impact on those who think timesharing has to do with reserved weeks at condos. ] A cardiologist friend told me after his last birthday: ``There's one nice thing about turning 45: you no longer have to worry about a *premature* heart attack." Mike Lutz Rochester Institute of Technology mjl@cs.rit.edu = = = = = = = From: rog@ingres.com (Roger Taranto) Subject: Some Oracle Jokes These jokes appear in Computing 25/4/91: Why should you never pick up the receiver while passing a public telephone? Because it's an Oracle salesman making a cold canvas. = = = = = = = From: J.M.MORRIS@genie.com (JoJo) Subject: MUPPET JOKES Summary: WHY CANT MISS PIGGY COUNT TO 100??? Kermit has decided not to dabble in the commodities markets any longer.... He lost his wad in pork bellies = = = = = = = From: enger@seka.scc.com (Robert M. Enger) Subject: Virgins What do you call a virgin in New Jersey? A tourist. What do you call a virgin in West Virginia? An orphan! = = = = = = = From: weiswnge@phoenix.princeton.edu (Thomas J Weisswange) Subject: Another Lightbulb Joke Saw this one in the Nassau Weekly (Princeton): How many University of Chicago Economics professors does it take to change a light bulb? None. If the bulb needed fixing the market would have done it. = = = = = = = From: scleary@math.ucla.edu (Sean Cleary) Subject: Bo Jackson's misfortunes From Vin Scully, Dodgers's radio announcer: Did you here what they'll call Bo if his knee injury loses him his Nike contract? "Shoeless" Bo Jackson. = = = = = = = From: youraa%morekypr.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca Subject: original haiku Meditation on hard-drive maintenence: Immovable blocks Multiply like cancer cells. I need a new disk. = = = = = = = From: yawei@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu (mr. yawei) Subject: Commercialism (I believe this is original) A: (melodically) ... I like the Sprite in you! B: Thanks ... but it's all in the bladder. = = = = = = = From: nyo@dcs.exeter.ac.uk (Neil Youngman) Subject: recession (one liner) Heard on "Any Questions" a radio four discussion programme: Due to the current economic situation the management have decided that the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off until further notice = = = = = = = From: dukach@ptt.lcs.mit.edu (Semyon Dukach) Subject: Zen, original Q: Does a cow have Buddha-nature ? A: Mu = = = = = = = From: MILLERC@beloit.edu Subject: Computer nerds "Computer nerds are people who know 256 different ways to have sex but don't know any women to try them on." -John Payson Class of '93 @ Beloit College = = = = = = = From: leban@par3.cs.umass.edu (Bruce Leban) Subject: Secrets from the gulf war... It's not very well known yet that the gulf war was actually the first field test of two US missiles: the Patriot and the Edsel. The Patriot was built by the private sector under government contract. The Edsel was built by civil service employees. In its first field test, the Patriot performed flawlessly. The Edsel did not do so well. It had the same problem we always have with civil service employees: it didn't work and it couldn't be fired. -- Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com. If you post instead of mailing, it screws up the reply-address sometimes. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. RHF is on submission hiatus. No submissions until otherwise notified, please!