X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.humor.funny: 1386 Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!uwvax!zazen!uakari.primate.wisc.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!qt.cs.utexas.edu!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!looking!funny-request Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: More from the one liner file (1/11) Message-ID: From: funny-request@clarinet.com Date: 4 Nov 91 07:22:26 GMT Reply-To: individual submitters Keywords: various, swearing, sexual Approved: brad@clarinet.com Lines: 224 Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF, I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly present all these items in the digest as individual articles. Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.) These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes. = = = = = = = From: aycock@cpsc.ucalgary.ca (John Aycock) Subject: new ideas in computer science, original The "doesn't-fit" memory allocation strategy: void *malloc (len) int len; { return (rand ()); } = = = = = = = Subject: Warning to Drop-Outs From: jbtubman@noah.arc.ab.ca (Jim Tubman) As we all know, a high school drop-out has very poor job prospects. The best he can hope for is to become Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. --Jim Tubman Advanced Computing & Engineering Dept. Alberta Research Council = = = = = = = From: howeird@hpspdra.spd.hp.com (Howard Stateman) Subject: Bathroom wall This was seen on the toilet seat protector dispenser in a men's room in Stanford's music building: "I used one of these things, but she still got pregnant!" = = = = = = = From: IRVINMJ@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437) Subject: Mending political fences from "The Whitman County Democrat" newsletter: The election is over, the results are now known; The will of the people has clearly been shown. Let hard feelings vanish -- yes, let them all pass; I'll hug your elephant if you'll kiss my donkey. = = = = = = = From: brian@cimage.com (Brian Kelley) Written above a University of Michigan toilet: "Heisenberg may have shit here." = = = = = = = From: PRICHARD@ias.larc.nasa.gov 1) are crooked teeth supporting evidence for the theory of contidental drift? 2) from the engineer's dictionary; expert (ecks-purt) from the Greek; `X' meaning unknown, and `spurt', meaning a drip under pressure. = = = = = = = From: UOG01002@vm.uoguelph.ca (Brian Switzer) Subject: Coyote Ponderings Here are a couple of thoughts to ponder about the coyote: Why is it that the coyote can afford all that expensive ACME equipment but he can't afford to go out to eat? How can he have the equipment sent to no fixed address in the middle of the desert? = = = = = = = From: J.M.Spencer@newcastle.ac.uk (J.M. Spencer) Subject: The Gulf Crisis President Bush is trying to make up for the fact that the US was late for the last two world wars by being *really* punctual for this one. = = = = = = = From: lsalomo@hubcap.clemson.edu ((the) IBMMAN) Subject: Chicken Crossing Heard from a friend in the pool hall last night... Q: Why did the pervert cross the road? A: He couldn't get his penis out of the chicken = = = = = = = From: paullu@cs.ualberta.ca (Paul Lu) Subject: CPU Cycle Reality Check While working on a project in parallel sorting, my partner, John Shillington, and I came up with the following: It has often been said that something like 25-50% of all the CPU cycles in the world are used to sort data. Hmmmm, in terms of CPU cycle usage, I guess that makes sorting algorithms second only to screen-savers. = = = = = = = Subject: Bo knows ... From: dalton@hpcupt1.cup.hp.com (David Dalton) Bo knows your sister! = = = = = = = From: gat@robotics.jpl.nasa.gov (Erann Gat) Subject: Stetson cologne A TV commercial for Stetson Cologne: Scene: A western setting. Mesas. Tumbleweeds. A ruggedly handsome cowboy comes riding up to the camera, dismounts, and takes out a bottle of Stetson cologne. He splashes some on as the off-screen announcer solemnly intones: "Stetson cologne - when you want to smell like a hat." = = = = = = = From: gat@robotics.jpl.nasa.gov (Erann Gat) Subject: Why women change their minds Heard this one from my wife. I don't know where she got it from. Q: Why do women change their minds so often? A: To keep them clean. Erann Gat gat@robotics.jpl.nasa.gov = = = = = = = From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington) Cambridge County council has backed off from its scheme to ban cycles from the city centre on the grounds of road safety. Its latest decision is that cycles will be permitted, provided that they do no more than 4 m.p.h. and are preceded by someone carrying a red flag. = = = = = = = Organization: University of Colorado at Colorado Springs From: cdash@mumm.colorado.edu (Charles Shub) This joke can't be told, but must be read: Guy runs into police station and says, "Someone has just stolen my aunt's pay" And the desk sargeant responds, "ErryVay UnnyFay!." = = = = = = = From: jwz@lucid.com (Jamie Zawinski) Subject: allegory I heard this on a documentary about the environment: A man jumps off the top floor of a skyscraper. As he passes the seventeenth floor, someone leans out of a window and asks, "how are you doing?" to which the man replies, "fine, so far." -- Jamie = = = = = = = From: tjh@bu-pub.bu.edu (Tim Hall) Potentially offensive to Catholics, however, this was told to my sister by her parish priest. How is a Christmas tree and a Catholic priest alike? They both have ornamental balls. = = = = = = = From: rolfe@dsuvax.UUCP (Timothy J. Rolfe) Subject: UNIX in-jokes w.r.t. process creation --- original A few bad jokes I stumbled on as I covered the UNIX internals in an "Operating Systems Appreciation" course: UNIX is a lot like life: the way you start a child is to fork. Then, of course, once a child has been executed the child dies. = = = = = = = From: wayner@svax.cs.cornell.edu (Peter Wayner) Subject: Hard Times in NYC... From the Piece by Eric Idle in the Sunday NYT, Op-Ed page: Times are so hard in NYC, that the Mafia has even layed off four judges. -- Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.on.ca (ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.) Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@looking.on.ca RHF is on submission hiatus. No submissions until otherwise notified, please!