MAYBERRY L.S.D.                   michael sterner
							   adam goldstein



All the characters are sitting in Floyd's barber shop.  Andy is in one of the
barber chairs and Floyd is miming a haircut.  Howard and Barney are playing
checkers whilst Doober, who is too stupid to play, watches.  The characters
are passing around a bong.  The whistling begins and the character are intro-
duced as they toke on the device.

	ANNOUNCER:  It's time for "Mayberry L.S.D."  starring Michael Sterner
	as Sheriff Andy Thaistick,  also starring Bob Rubin as Barney Pipe, 
	Bill Berry as Opium Thaistick, Steve Litt as Floyd, Mike Lovins as
	Howard and Terry Pinyerd as Doober.


	FLOYD:  There,....A....Andy.

	ANDY:  Thanks, Floyd.  I'll be in tomorrow for another "trim".  Maybe
	next time you can actually use scissors.

	FLO:  Scissors?

Andy has removed his bob and is sitting forward.  Little Opium comes in from
stage right with a brand new baseball glove.

	OPIUM:  Hi, Paw!

	AND: Hi, Son!

The checker game progresses.  Howard makes a tremendous number of jumps and
wins the game.

	HOWARD:  Well, Barn, that's 12 games to nothin'.  Give up yet?

	BARNEY:  You know, I got important deputy work to be doin'.  I can't 
	be playin' this all day.

	DOOBER:  Hey, Barney.  You wanna' hear my Cary Grant imitation?

	BAR:  Not now, Doober.

	DOO:  Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy.

	BAR:  Oh, shut up, Doob.

	AND:  So How's your new glove workin', Ope?

	OPI:  Gee, Paw.  Fine, I guess.  Except that I still need to break
	it in.  I was going to tie it to Aunt Bong's mouth.

Barney has gotten up from the checker board.  Doober has taken his place and
he and Howard attempt to play a game although it is obvious that Doob knows
very little about the rules.

	BAR:  I remember when I was a young-un.  I used to break in a new glove
	by beatin' it with the baseball bat.  Worked pretty good.  Woulda' 
	worked even better if I hada' taken my hand out.

	AND:  Well, Barn.  You 'n me better git over to the Diner and make sure
	no one's a' loiterin'.

It is Doober's turn on the checkerboard.  He lifts up a checker and slams it
down on the board several times in succession.

	DOO:  Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy.

	HOW:  (to Doob) Jerkoff.  I guess I'll go over there with you guys.

	BAR:  Hey, I hear they got a new waitress over there.

	AND:  Why, Barney, you sly dog, you!

	BAR:  Yeah, she just came in on the bus last week.  And boy, can she
	fill out that apron.  I remember I rode on the bus once, out to that
	Deputy's Convention....oh, back in '69...I guess we musta' been on that
	bus for about....

	AND:  Barn.  The Diner.

	BAR:  Oh, yeah. 

	HOW:  What's this waitress' name?

	DOO:  (very loudly)  JUDY, JUDY, JUDY, JUDY!

Andy, Barney, and Howard exit leaving Floyd, Opium and Doober hunched over the
checker board.

	FLO:  Need a.....a trim?  Opium?  A little off the sides?  When was the
	the last time you were in?

	OPI:  Yesterday.

	FLO:  How 'bout a shave?

	OPI:  Naw.  Aunt Bong wanted me to come right home and dress for church.

	FLO:  Church.  Yes, that Aunt Bong of yours certainly is a wonderful
	woman.

	OPI:  But, it's only Thursday.

	FLO:  Thursday?  Thursday?  Yes, that reminds me.  I'm expecting a
	shipment of combs in from Raleigh, this afternoon.

 He exits to the street, stage right, in a daze (or possibly a taxi).  Doober
looks up from the checkerboard for the first time and notices Little Opium.

	DOO:  Hey, Opium!

	OPI:  (a little disgustedly) Hey, Doob.

	DOO:  You got a new glove, huh?  (he takes the glove)

	OPI:  Yeah, my Paw gave it to me.

	DOO:  Wanna' play some checkers?

	OPI:  No.

	DOO:  Wanna' hear me do my Cary Grant imitation?

	OPI:  Uh, no.  Actually, I think I hear my Aunt Bong calling me (out
	side of mouth).  Opium!  Opium!  (normal)  I'd better go.  Give me
	the glove, Doob, huh?

	DOO:  No.  I think I'll just put it in my pants and go over to the
	diner and see that new waitress.

He puts the glove in his pants.

	OPI:  But Doob,

	DOO:  Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy,....

Doober exits stage right with his new found lump.  Howard enters immediately
after.

	HOW:  Where's Doob goin'?

	OPI:  Over to the Diner.

	HOW:  Wasn't that your new glove he was puttin' into his pants, Opium?

	OPI:  Yes.

Floyd comes back into the shop with a very large box marked "SPECIAL DELIVERY,
COMBS".

	FLO:  Need a trim.....Howard?....uh?

	HOW:  No, thanks.  Hey, are you alright Floyd?  You look a little Pink?

	FLO:  I'm fine.

Floyd exits stage left with the box then enters again shortly without it.

	HOW:  Why'd you let Doober take your new glove like that?

	OPI:  Gosh, Mr. Sprague.  I don't know...

	HOW:  Poor Doob.  Why there's no tellin' what your father might do to 
	Doober when he finds out what he did.  Floyd, did that new shipment 
	of combs arrive in from Raleigh, yet?

	FLO:  Ye...ah, Yes, they're in the back.

Howard goes off stage left to investigate

	FLO:  How about you, Opium, aa....uh...a little off the sides?

	OPI:  No.

Enter Andy.

	AND:  Hey, boy.  Your Aunt Bong's been lookin' for you.  Son, where's
	your new baseball glove?

	OPI:  Nowhere, Paw.  I mean, I, uh, lost it.

	AND:  You lost it?  Why Opium Thaistick, I'm surprised at you.

	OPI:  Yes, sir.

Enter Barney excitedly controlling his voice.

	BAR:  ANJ?  ANJ!  Andy, you're never gonna' believe this!

	AND:  What's up Barn?  Someone jaywalk?  

	BAR:  No, Anj.  It's Doob.  I was just over at the Diner and he came
	in and tried to rape that new waitress!

	AND:  (calm) No!

	BAR:  I swear to God, Andy.  He walked right behind the counter and 
	tried to hump her under the fresh pie shelf!

	AND:  He didn't

	BAR:  He did!  Then he tie her apron around his head and danced up
	onto the jukebox!  I had to shoot him.  Found this in his pants.

He hands Andy Opium's glove.  Opium, the meantime is sneaking towards the door.

	AND:  You don't say?....Opium!

Barney sits down in one of the barber chairs and Floyd begins "cutting"

	OPI:  Yes, Paw?

	AND:  I want to have a little talk with you, son.  Doober took your 
	glove, didn't he?  (Opium nods his head)  And you tried to protect him 
	by tellin' me that you lost it, isn't that right, son?

	OPI:  Yes, sir.

	AND:  Well, boy.  Let me tell you a story. (this can be done as a song
	played on an acoustic guitar using a Ritz cracker as a pic)  You know
	Old Otis, the drunk?  Well, when I was about your age, me and Otis and
	Doober all went to the same school, and both Otis and me were going 
	to try out for the church Little-League team.  It seems that Otis and
	Doober both had a crush on this girl, Cindy Hastings, who lived over
	on Maple Street.  Otis went out and bought himself a brand new baseball
	mitt...and he thought that if he could just make the Little-League
	team that that might make Cindy like him.  So he took that new mitt and
	he practiced day and night.  Well, the day of the tryouts, Doober took
	Otis' mitt...and he put it in his pants and went over to Cindy's house.
	Poor old Otis couldn't try out without a glove so he didn't make the
	team.  That's about the time that he started drinkin'.

	OPI:  Well, Paw.  Who got the girl?

	AND:  Doober did, son.  It seems that Ol' Cindy wasn't as impressed by
	Otis tryin' to be a jock as she was at what was in Doober's.

	OPI:  Did you make the team, Paw?

	AND:  No, son.  Doober made the team.  The point is; you don't want to
	end up like old Otis, do you, son?

	OPI:  No, Paw.

	AND:  We'll talk about it a little more when we get back home, boy.
	Now run along.

	OPI:  Yes, sir.

	FLO:  Bye, Opium.

	OPI:  Bye, Floyd.

He exits stage right.  Barney, who has been listening intently to all this
approaches Andy.

	BAR:  That was a beautiful thing you did, Andy.

	AND:  Thanks, Barn.

	BAR:  Teachin' the boy a valuable lesson like that.

	AND:  Yeah.

	BAR:  I remember when I was a young whipper-snapper.  I never tried
	out for the Little-League team.  I used to spend most of my time in the
	drugstore reading comic books and....

	AND:  Barney?

	BAR:  Yes, Andy?

	AND:  Shut up.

Lights.

exit