.title Killer Lettuce
.fg 20
.c;^&Killer Lettuce\&
.s
.c;March 30, 1983
.nmpg 1
.page
.;
.lm 8.p -8.at
Muffy: You know what I wish? I wish I had a really big kitchen with a good 
 sink, no leaky faucets, and a really big refrigerator with three doors.
Biffy: Yeah, me too. But for now, let's concentrate on dinner. The guys will
 be here at 7:00. Why don't you check on the roast and I'll get started on
 the salad. (Muffy checks roast, and Biffy heads over to that head of 
 lettuce)
Muffy: Be careful with the oven. You know, that's what I like about making
 salad is that you can't get hurt by a wooden bowl and a head of lettuce.
Biffy: What?
Muffy: I said that you can't get hurt by -- ouch!
Biffy: Hey, what's the matter?
Muffy: Oh, nothing. It's just a little cut.
Biffy: Well, clean it off and I'll come help you fix the salad. (After a 
 very quick rinse, they both begin work on the salad.) How'd you get
 cut anyway? There's nothing here that could have cut you except this
 lettuce. (Not so sure) And lettuce doesn't attack people.
.lm 8
The lettuce attacks them as leaves are thrown in the air. Biffy and Muffy 
 scream such things as "Help, help, the lettuce is attacking us," and
 they generally improvise through this short, but intense scene of terror.
 Biffy senses the need to escape, and pushes Muffy away from the danger,
 saying "Get out of here." Muffy lies motionless as Biffy telephones the
 Police.
.lm 8
Biffy: Hello, police? ... Send someone right away, we've been attacked by
 killer lettuce ... Yes, lettuce ... Hurry, please( Goes over to Muffy's
 limp body.) Don't worry Muffy, you'll make it.
Sergeant Manny: (Knock, Knock, Knock. Biffy answers) Hi. I'm Sergeant
 Manny, Police Department.
Biffy: We were making salad just a couple of minutes ago when the lettuce
 began to attack us. It was as if the lettuce had a mind of its own. (Sergeant
 Manny is examining Muffy's dead body.) It got Muffy real bad. She may need
 an ambulance.
Sergeant: I'm afraid an ambulance won't do any good. Muffy's dead.
Biffy: Dead? But no lettuce could be that horrible.
Sergeant: No ordinary lettuce. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you
 a few questions. You say salad. Were there any toppings on this salad?
 Say, carrots, radishes, cucumbers ...?
Biffy: No. None at all.
Sergeant: I see. And can you tell me please whether it was iceberg lettuce
 or romaine?
Biffy: Iceberg. We always use iceberg. We like its crisp, clean texture, its
 fresh leafy scent, its cool, clean taste...
Sergeant: You girls ^&did\& buy the lettuce at a certified grocery store,
 didn't you?
Biffy: Well...
Sergeant: Listen young lady. I don't want to get you into any trouble, but if
 you bought this lettuce somewhere you shouldn't have, you'd better tell me.
Biffy: Okay. We got it from this guy at a party. His name was Weedo, and he
 was pushing it on all the kids. Muffy didn't want anything to do with it,
 but the other kids said it was no big deal. I didn't want to look like a 
 square, so I ... well, I made her buy some. She was pretty drunk and I told
 her it would be okay. I made her buy it, okay? Damnit, if I had only known. 
 But I didn't, and &I made Muffy buy the lettuce that killed here. (Sobbing)
 I KILLED MUFFY!!! (She sinks over Muffy's body, fading into the background)
 I'm sorry, Muffy.
Sergeant: (to audience) I'm sorry to say that this is not an uncommon 
 occurrence. Biffy gave in to peer pressure, and wound up murdering her
 friend. So take my advice and stay away from the lettuce pushers. They'll
 tell you stories of great salads and wonderful dinner parties, and they'll
 laugh when you die. So take some advice from me, Officer Manny, and buy
 only lettuce that has the official appetizer seal of approval.