You know how I like to spend a day?

When I'm not installing database managers, compilers, graphics
packages, etc. (and then FOLDING, SPINDLING and MUTILATING them
so they'll run on our non-standard system), I like to sit by the
phone and wait for questions about how to use Kermit. I make copies
for our users who have PC's, and at least half of them call for
help. The typical conversation goes something like:

"Hello, may I help you?" (In my user-friendliest voice.)

In an aggrieved tone:
"Yeah, I'm trying to use Kermit and I'm having problems."

(I wait half a second to see if they'll add to that - like;
 *what* problems? No WAY!)

"Yes, what exactly is the matter?"

"It doesn't work."

(I break a pencil between two fingers.)
"Ah. Did you read the entry in on-line HELP about how to use it?"

"Yes, but I can't get it to do aaanything!"

"Did you execute the file KERMIT.EXE on your PC?"

"What?"

(I'm not a violent person, but I star this user in a Sam Peckinpah movie.)
"Are you sitting in front of your PC?"

"Yes."

"Type KERMIT."

"... Ok, I did that."

"Type TAKE M-S-K-E-R-M-I-T"

"... ... ... Ok."

(The INI file sets baud rate, etc. and CONNECTS them to the modem.)
"You see where it says 'Connecting to Host Computer'?"

Triumphantly:
"Yes! I got this far, and it didn't DO anything!"

"Well, at this point, you're communicating with your modem, NOT with
VPS (our system). You have to type the dial command, and your modem will
call the campus network. Then you can sign on as usual."

"OOHHHH! Let me try that!"

The user types the dial command, eventually gets it right, and
(I'M NOT KIDDING ABOUT THIS) the goddam modem starts dialing on the
line we're talking on!

I stuff my eyes back into their sockets.

There are a few seconds of silence at this point, during which I draw
blood from my palms with my fingernails, as the user's brain grinds
and grinds and comes up with THE QUESTION:

"What do I do then?"

(We're almost home now, I tell myself.)
"Well, then you just run Kermit on VPS, and you can start transmitting
files back and forth. It works just like the documentation says it
does."

Why do I let them go at this point? I KNOW they're going to call back,
because people who don't know that you still have to dial in even if
you're using Kermit can't possibly transfer a file with it, but if
I talk to them much longer, things get red and hazy, and somebody just
might get killed.

Eventually they give up, and call me again. I establish that they have
no idea what commands to type after they sign on and run Kermit ("Yes,
of *course* I read the documentation!"), and have them come in to see
me. Since I don't have a private phone line, I have to borrow the line
from the cubicle across the hall, stringing it over the corridor.
Our Assistant Provost inevitably brushes it with the top of his head (he's
pretty tall), and visibly wonders why *THIS* goof is still working here.

I hook up the modem and show them, STEP. BY. STEP. how to transfer files.
The mists part, and BEHOLD! I've initiated yet another user to the mysteries
of Kermit. They clutch my hand, weep little tears of gratitude, admire my
plaster of paris Boston Terrier (you don't want to know), and they're off.

Do I sound like a hateful little misogynist weasal, looking for a little
sympathy? Well, I am, but the point is, you'd be one too if you had to
do this OVER and OVER and OVER! Is it any wonder I come to work at 11 am,
smelling of soy sauce? Do you have to ask why I torture small animals in
the evening? Why I don't wear ties in the office, but DO when I'm lying
around at home? Shall I tell you about the time
two people came in the same day at different times for the above described
help, and I later discovered they SHARE THE SAME PC???!!!

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!

I'm going to lunch.