X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.humor.funny: 2988
Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.1B7+SPC1,2 05/22/93 VAX/VMS V5.5-2; site spcvxb.spc.edu
Path: spcvxb!uunet!looking!funny-request
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Jurassic Park: THE MARKETING EXTRAVAGANZA 
Message-ID: <S588.654a@clarinet.com>
From: potts@oit.itd.umich.edu (Paul Potts)
Date: Sat, 3 Jul 93 12:20:01 EDT
Keywords: topical, chuckle, original
Approved: funny@clarinet.com
Lines: 337

This is an original parody of Jurassic Park, written
by Paul Potts (potts@oit.itd.umich.edu), University
of Michigan, Ann Arbor.

I apologize to my writing teachers for this. I'm a serious
writer, really! This was a momentary error in judgement.
Please think nothing of it.

<WARNING: SPOILERS! REALLY SILLY SPOILERS!>
(Go on, read it!  are you a t. rex or a chicken? Actually,
this was based more on the book than the movie, and
extremely, loosely based on the book at that.)

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Jurassic Park, Act 1: Scene 1. In Jurassic Park. Expensive
and rare housplants are shrouded in fog. Bugs the size of
bugs flit here and there. Off in the distance we see extras
dressed as workmen, building an electrical fence.

<Extra enters from left.>           <Long pause.>

EXTRA: Wow, we're 30 seconds into the movie and no one is being
eaten by a dinosaur yet.

<Enormous drooling dinosaur head appears silently behind extra, gets
closer and closer.>

DINOSAUR: ROAR

EXTRA: EEK! CRUNCH CRUNCH...

<Just like the cookie monster, the dinosar can't seem
to keep what he is eating in his mouth. Arms, legs, heads
spill everywhere...  fade out.>

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Jurassic Park, Scene 2, Act 1. Action.
Tthe scene is a deserted beach in Costa Rica. Walking
along the beach is a YOUNG GIRL. Young girl is looking
at seashells. A small DINOSAUR approaches and looks at
her curiously.

LITTLE GIRL: Oh, how cute! It's a little lizard the size
of a chicken that walks upright, has thirty-seven vertebrae
in its tail, and moves with quick birdlike motions!

DINOSAUR: <Hops up on little girl's hand, whispers in ear.>
Actually, I'm not a lizard. I'm a SPECIAL EFFECT!

LITTLE GIRL: Go on.

DINOSAUR: No, really! 

LITTLE GIRL: If you're a special effect, then how much did
you cost?

DINOSAUR: <Whispers something in little girl's ear.>

LITTLE GIRL: AAAAAAAIIIIIIIYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEIIIIIII!!!!!!!!

DINOSAUR: So for that price, we'd better get our money's worth!
<Elaborate special effect of dinosaur chewing little girl's
face off.>

LITTLE GIRL: Eww, gross... I hope that's computer-generated!

DINOSAUR: Don't worry, the humane society has representatives
on the set at all times to see that the humans aren't harmed.

<Fade out.>

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Jurassic Park: Act 3: Scene 1.

<On Jurassic Park Island. Helicopter carrying MAD SCIENTIST,
GOOD SCIENTIST, ANTHROPOLOGIST, and INNOCENT CHILDREN
lands slowly in the mist; passengers get off; helicopter
departs.>

MAD SCIENTIST: I am Mister Roarke, your host. Welcome to
Jurassic Park!

GOOD SCIENTIST, ANTHROPOLOGIST, INNOCENT CHILDREN:
<In chorus, looking around at amazing natural wonders.>

Ooooh,  Aaaaah.

<Several giant dinosaur special effects appear over the
treetops: apatosaurus heads on huge poles>.

ANTHROPOLOGIST: Why, isn't that an apatosaurus? Those have
been extinct for at least two hundred years!

INNOCENT CHILDREN: <Whisper something in ANTHROPOLOGIST'S
EAR.>

ANTHROPOLOGIST: Oops, I meant two hundred MILLION years.
And I'm really a PALEONTOLOGIST, not an ANTHROPOLOGIST.

INNOCENT CHILDREN: Don't worry, apatosaurs are harmless
herbivores.

APATOSAUR: ROAR, ROAR.

PALEONTOLOGIST: Aren't they awfully close?

MAD SCIENTIST: Oh, we're perfectly safe here.

PALEONTOLOGIST: What a relief.

GOOD SCIENTIST: <Calculating on note pad.> Wait! I have
proven through a combination of chaos theory, abstract
algebra, fractal mathematics, and Freudian psychoanalysis
that we are not safe! In fact, the dinosaurs will provably
chew up each and every one of us! With big sharp teeth!

MAD SCIENTIST: Obviously you are mistaken. We're
protected by the latest in consumer electronics.

<Close up on flashing red light on small half-concealed
device labeled SONY.>

DEVICE: BEEP, BEEP.

ANTHROPOLOGIST: What does that mean?

MAD SCIENTIST: Oh, it looks like someone forgot to
charge the batteries for the electric fence. But don't
worry, the dinosaurs are conditioned to think the fence
can stop them.

GOOD SCIENTIST: The laws of nature say you're wrong.

MAD SCIENTIST: We'll see who's wrong around here.

DINOSAURS: ROAR! ROAR! CHARGE! ROAR!

MAD SCIENTIST, GOOD SCIENTIST, PALEONTOLOGIST, INNOCENT
CHILDREN: EEK! <All run away.>

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Jurassic Park: Act 3: Scene 2.

<The scene is a small clearing. PALEONTOLOGIST and
INNOCENT CHILDREN are resting.>

PALEOANTHROPOLOGIST: Whew, that was a close one.

INNOCENT CHILDREN: You can say that again.

PALEOANTHROPOLOGIST: Whew, that was a close one.

<Suddenly, all the insect, bird, and camera crew
sounds cease. The clearing has become dead quiet.>

PALEOANTHROPOLOGIST: Uh oh.

<Suddenly, a FEMALE SCIENTIST walks into the
clearing.>

FEMALE SCIENTIST: Hello.

PALEONTOLOGIST: Hi! Boy, are we glad to see you!
<Looks deeply into eyes of FEMALE SCIENTIST.>

INNOCENT CHILDREN: Why?

PALEONTOLOGIST: Don't be silly. This is the FEMALE
LOVE INTEREST! Now we can get this plot moving!

INNOCENT CHILDREN: Bo-ring...

DINOSAUR: <Appearing suddenly.> ROAR! ROAR! <chomp>
ROAR! <Devours female love interest.>

PALEONTOLOGIST: Oh no! Why did you do that?

DINOSAUR: Multi-million dollar special effect doesn't
like to be upstaged! ROAR! ROAR! <Everyone runs away.>

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Jurassic Park: Scene 3, Act 9.

<The scene is a deserted building. The bodies of
several illegal immigrant construction workers are
scattered here and there>.

<Enter MAD SCIENTIST and GOOD SCIENTIST.>

MAD SCIENTIST: So, we meet again at last.

GOOD SCIENTIST: Can't you see what you've done?
You've violated the laws of nature! You will be
punished!

MAD SCIENTIST: The laws of nature? Ha! I scoff
at the laws of nature!

GOOD SCIENTIST: You're responsible for global
warming! You're responsible for the hole in the
ozone layer! You're responsible for all the evil
scientific advances of the 20th century! You fool!
If you had just left well enough alone, we would
still be happily living in caves!

MAD SCIENTIST: Huh? Ummm, yeah. In fact, I know
where there's a really nice cave. You go first.

GOOD SCIENTIST: <Waving legal pad.> I predicted
we'd wind up here. 

MAD SCIENTIST: Who cares? I'm rich! Jurassic Park
is going to make me the richest man in the world!

GOOD SCIENTIST: <Writing furiously.> Actually, after
taxes, you're not going to be left with much. Chaos
theory and probability analysis can't do much against
the internal revenue service.

MAD SCIENTIST: Really? But my tax shelters...

GOOD SCIENTIST: <Scribbling on pad.> Won't help; you're not
a Honduran national. Now, Let me tell you a few things. Did
you know you might be able to deduct the park as a business
expense, provided you can show that this is your home office...
<They confer quickly for a few moments.>

MAD SCIENTIST: Wow, you've proven that I'm going to
go broke! Oh, no! Science is bad!

GOOD SCIENTIST: Yes, but I'm going to make a lot of
money on the residuals from this film! Science is
great!

MAD SCIENTIST: Bad. IT'S BAD! IT'S BAD!

GOOD SCIENTIST: IT'S BETTER THAN BAD! IT'S GOOD!

<Dinosaur appears overhead.> 

DINOSAUR: Hey, guys, I'll tell you what science is.

MAD SCIENTIST, GOOD SCIENTIST: <In unison.> OK, which
is it, good or bad?

DINOSAUR: Science neither good or bad. Science HUNGRY!!!
Isn't that deep? CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP.

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Jurassic Park: Act 14, Scene 92.

<At the secret dinosaur nesting ground we see the
INNOCENT CHILDREN and PALEONTOLOGIST standing in
front of a muddy hold caked with what appear to
be giant bird droppings and bits of eggshell.>

INNOCENT CHILDREN: Hmm, I wonder what's in this hole?

PALEONTOLOGIST: Someone should climb in.

INNOCENT CHILDREN: Um, yeah. That's a good idea!
<Turn to look at each other; in unison>

NOT!

PALEONTOLOGIST: Imagine the mysteries of nature, ours to
behold! I'm going in!

<He disappears into hole.>

INNOCENT CHILDREN: Do you see anything?

PALEONTOLOGIST: Oh my God, it's full of stars...

INNOCENT CHILDREN: Oh, boy.

INNOCENT BOY: Let's blow this popsicle stand.

INNOCENT GIRL: Aren't we going to see what's inside
the hole?

INNOCENT BOY: Naw, we've got to save something for
the sequel. Just leave him.

INNOCENT GIRL: The sequel?

INNOCENT BOY: Yeah. Remember, filming starts today. 
It's going to be a sort of a romance set
in a prehistoric setting. <He fishes in pocket.>
Here's the pamphlet.

INNOCENT GIRL: <Reading pamphlet.> "A beautiful story
of a boy and girl's coming of age and falling in love,
set against the pageantry and odors of the late
Cretaceous period."  <Looks at her watch.> Oh, it's
three o'clock. Just about time for the Jurassic Park
set to start exploding.

<Island begins to explode in flames all around them,
dinosaurs bursting into flames like marshmallows held too
long over a campfire.>

DINOSAURS: Aaarrrgghhh, aaarrrggghhh!

INNOCENT BOY: C'mon, we've got to get to the life-raft.
We've got to be on the set of the sequel by noon.

GIRL: But we haven't even reached puberty yet!

BOY: You'd be amazed what they can do with
special effects.

<Music swells to a crescendo; INNOCENT BOY and INNOCENT
GIRL walk off, hand in hand.>

 ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] THE END ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
 ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] ??????? ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]








--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line.
Don't use "joke" or "submission" or "joke submission," please.