Subject: 1998 Darwin Awards 1998 DARWIN NOMINEES: (# 1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute to the hospital. (#2) A Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South Wales, on Wednesday night, police said. Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a level crossing (I guess that would be harder to miss than the side of a barn!). The vehicle became wedged between the second last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said. After being carried more than a kilometer and a half, they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck (I wonder if it was a Volvo?) with minor bruising and the man set off along the railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree hospital with chest injuries. (# 3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. (# 4) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk." (# 5) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. (# 6) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protected him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.) (# 7) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia. (# 8) RENTON, Washington, USA. On February 3, 1998, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. 5.Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. 1998 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities) Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were using a home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had written. In a scene that called for each character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. It was all captured on film. ************* In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in a container which he handed to his wife. She opened the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and, as it turns out, poisonous, snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room. ************* In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr.Michaels' deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt." ************** TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the middle of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and pulled his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the frigid waters of the Tacoma Narrows and Puget Sound and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "Is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's severed foot was never located. **************** Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler were plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet. The Battle at Agincourt involved the French and the English. The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won the battle. It was a major defeat for the French. When the battle was over, the English marched in front of those French soldiers who remained alive and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance. Do you know what this body part was??? The answer: The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it would have been impossible for the English soldiers to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow, using the forefinger and middle finger, was known among all soldiers as "plucking yew". When the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See here, we are still able to pluck the yew!" That was quickly shortened to a haughty shout of, "PLUCK YEW!" Over the years,differing customs have evolved from this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (sort of like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker," which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows launched by the English longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning was gradually changed to a labiodental fricative "F". Thus the words often used in conjunction with the middle-finger-salute, often mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate sexual encounter, were actually first used after the battle at Agincourt! It is also interesting to note that it was because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird". And yew thought yew knew everything!!! WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses. "Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality." Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees. The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?" "As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation." -----NOTE ------------ These jokes may be offensive to some. Don't read'm if you might be offended! They are forwarded as received, including the missing words/lines. Number... 8 A young man walked up and sat down at the bar."What can I get you?" the bartender inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man."6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blow job," the man answered. "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house. "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste,nothing will." Number... 7 A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." Number... 6 At night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" Number... 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?""Oh, Bill, you didn't. "Yes, I did. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?""Oh, she got fired too." Number... 4 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which the man replied, "She choked." Number... 3 A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." Number... 2 A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy fainted!! The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?" Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The white guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around!!'" Number...1 What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!" Retiring Mail Man It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"? "Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea!!" GRANDMA BOUGHT A BUMPER STICKER FOR HER OLD BUICK...she writes: The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection...just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. Its a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love ya all, Grandma One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golfball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. The easiest way to eat crow is while it is still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swallow. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Never miss a chance to rest your horse. No matter where you ride to, that is where you are. A lot of good luck is undeserved, but then so is a lot of bad luck. Don't get mad at somebody who knows more than your do. It isn't their fault. When you are trying something new, the fewer people who know about it, the better. Only a buzzard feeds on his friends Control your generosity when you are dealing with a chronic borrower. Speak your mind, but ride a fast horse. Go after life as if it is something that's got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away. The only way to drive cattle fast is slowly. The basics of roping are a sense of rythm, good timing, and an eye for distance. You might also want to keep this in mind when you are two-stepping around the dance floor. A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Nobody ever drowned himself in his own sweat. No tree is too big for a short dog to lift its leg on. You don't need decorated words to make your meaning clear. Say it plain and save some breath for breathing. Honesty is not something you should flirt with--you should be married to it. The length of a conversation does not tell anything about the size of the intellect. The Blondes Get Revenge... Why do brunettes like their dark hair color ? It doesn't show the dirt. Who makes all the bras for brunettes ? Fisher-Price Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes ? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable Why are most brunettes flat-chested ? It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts Why are brunettes so proud of their hair ? It matches their mustache Why is the color brunette considered evil ? When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch? How can you tell a brunette is lonely ? Check her for a pulse What is the most frustrated animal in the world ? A brunette rabbit What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover ? " What part of 'yes' don't you understand ?" Why did God create brunettes ? So ugly men wouldn't feel left out What do brunettes miss most about a great party ? The invitation Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant ? From their underarms Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job ? Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night? Startled What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette ? A hostage Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely ticked off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!" ********************************************************************* ***** A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning." ********************************************************************* Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them. ********************************************************************* Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down. ********************************************************************* Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. ********************************************************************* What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?They drowned in Spring training. ********************************************************************* What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! they spelled MACY'S wrong. ********************************************************************* Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture. ********************************************************************* Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. ********************************************************************* How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday. ********************************************************************* Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice? Because it said 'concentrate'. In case you are planning on hiking this summer ... Subject: Bear Warning! U.S. FOREST SERVICE NOTICE Over 3,000 people were injured by bears last year, many of these attacks were fatal. As a public service to all backpackers, campers and other people enjoying the remote regions of the US this summer, the Forest Service issues the following notice: Tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.) but be careful because this method doesn't scare Kodiak/grizzly bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Kodiak/grizzly bears. One can easily spot a Kodiak or grizzly bear dropping because it has tiny bells in it. "What's the difference between an introverted programmer and an extroverted programmer?" "The extroverted programmer looks at YOUR shoes when talking to you.." MY PRAYER.... Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am p.s.t. God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive. God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault. God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me! Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right. God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, arties, and dancing. God give me patience, and I mean right NOW! Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?) God, help me to finish everything I sta God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time. God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing? Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be. Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way. Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes. Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo. Amen. Title: 35 Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid 1. A few clowns short of a circus 2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal 3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity 4. A few beers short of a 6-pack 5. Dumber than a box of hair 6. A few peas short of a casserole 7. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box 8. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead 9. One Fruit Loop shy if a full bowl 10. One taco short of a combination plate 11. A few feathers short of a whole duck 12. All foam, no beer 13. The cheese slid off his cracker 14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel 15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt 16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear 17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel 18. Too much yardage between the goal posts 19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools 20. As smart as bait 21. Chimney's clogged 22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash 23. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair 24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor 25. Forgot to pay this brain bill 26. Her sewing machine's out of thread 27. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels 28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops 29. If he had another brain, it would be lonely 30. Missing a few buttons on her remote control 31. No grain in the silo 32. Proof that evolution can go in reverse 33. Receiver is off the hook 34. Several nuts short of a full pouch 35. He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down Supposedly true Stories told by travel agents. 1. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" 2. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa." her response....click. 3. A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed. 4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." 5. I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map." 6. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! 7. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, California is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 8. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." 9. A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever." 10. A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express card." Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."