This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) and made the web department take it down immediately. ----- Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other First Name: ............... Initial: .. Last Name: ............... Code Name: .............. Password: ........ (max 8 char) Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: .... .... .... 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19../../.. 4. 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Actual bumper stickers found on actual cars: God, protect me from your fervent followers. Horn broken. Watch for finger. Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. All generalizations are false. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. I brake for no apparent reason. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? He who laughs last thinks slowest. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. I love cats...they taste just like chicken. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons. Born free...Taxed to death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Rehab is for quitters. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep. All men are idiots, and I married their King. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. Montana -- At least our cows are sane! I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case Heaven is like the IRS.. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. No radio - Already stolen. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? How can I miss you if you won't go away? Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. i souport publik edekashun. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Keep honking...I'm reloading. Caution: I drive like you do. A minister was getting along in years and felt that it was time for him to sell his fine horse which was 12 years old and still very spirited. He made it known around town that since his children had no room where they lived for the horse, that he'd sell it for $1,500. Sven knew the minister and the horse and thought it'd be just perfect for his farm and his son, Hilding, so he purchased it at the selling price. "Sven," said the minister, "It's very nice for me to know that this horse'll be nearby and that I can see him from time to time. But you need to know that this isn't an ordinary horse. I've trained him differently than the others so that if someone took (he almost said steal, but he was a kind man)...took him they'd have a peck of trouble." "To get him to go forward, you don't say the word, 'Git' or 'Gittup.' It's simple, say, 'Praise the L-rd.' The louder you say it the harder the horse'll go." "O, I tink I can remember dat," said Sven. "Then, when you want the horse to slow down or stop, you say 'Amen'!" the minister explained. "O, I got dat tiew," said Sven. After a couple of days getting acquainted with his new horse and with his family watching, Sven saddled the horse for the first time for a ride in his quite large pasture. "Git," said Sven. The horse never budged. He dug in his heals and said, "Giddap." The horse laid back his ears, rolled his eyes, tossed his head but didn't budge an inch forward. "O, I remember!," said Sven. And in his frustration yelled,"Praise the L-rd!!" Well! The horse took off like a shot! Down the path, across the road, through the gate and into the pasture at top speed. "Dis is a giewed horse," said Sven to himself. Unfortunately, at the edge of Sven's pasture was a 30 foot steep drop off into a brook which separated his land from his neighbors. And the horse was heading straight for the edge! Sven was getting worried..."Whoa, WHOA!!," hollered Sven but the horse still ran at top speed. But, just at the critical place Sven had flash of memory. "AMEN!," he cried at the top of his voice and the horse skidded to a stop just inches from the drop off! "Whiew," said Sven. "PRAISE THE L-RD!"..... Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice ..." The World According to Student Bloopers Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas ofthe dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained." During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card, wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. ("Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and him with me.") The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10." ("I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, and I hid myself.") A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?" A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here." "Who is it?" "It's the Lord" "Can you help me?" "Yes, I can help." "Help me!" "Let go." Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!" "Let go. I will catch you." "Is anybody else up there?" 80 And Still Functioning An eighty year old man visits the doctor. He tells the doctor he Is about to be married to a 25 year old and wants to start a family. The old man asks for something to make him virile and potent. The doctor gives him a prescription but says he also wants to make a suggestion. "I think you should take in a young boarder." Several months go by and the old man visits the doctor again. "How are you?" says the doctor. "I'm fine." says the patient. "And how is your wife?" says the doctor. "She's pregnant." says the old man. "Did you take in a young boarder like I suggested?" says the doctor. "Yes I did." says the patient. "And how is the boarder?" says the doctor. "Oh," says the patient, "She's pregnant too!" PARROTS A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ...that phrase... in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" The following is an actual conversation that took place in Frankfurt as reported by a United 747 pilot who overheard the exchange. The German air controllers at Frankfurt airport are infamous for being short tempered - often perceiving something to be much more difficult than it is. They expect you to know where you are, where to park your aircraft and how to get there on your own. It was with great amusement that we (UAL747) overheard this exchange between Frankfurt ground control and the pilot of a British Airways 747 (call sign SPEEDBIRD 206): SPEEDBIRD: "Good morning Frankfurt, SPEEDBIRD 206 clear of the active runway" GROUND: "Guten morgen, taxi to your gate" The BA747 pulled onto the main taxiway and stopped. GROUND(BRUSQUELY): "SPEEDBIRD 206, do you not know where you are going?" SPEEDBIRD: "Standby ground, we are looking up the gate location now" GROUND (WITH IMPATIENCE): "SPEEDBIRD 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?" SPEEDBIRD: "Yes, several times in 1944, but I did not land" Calvin's (C) Dad's (D) "scientific" explanations. **************** C: How do they know the load limit on bridges, Dad? D: They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. **************** C: Why does the sun set? D: It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets. C: Why does it go from east to west? D: Solar wind. C: Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets? D: That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire. C: Where does the sun go when it sets? D: The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff. C: Oh. D: That's why the rocks there are so red. C: Don't the people get burned up? D: No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it is dark at night. C: Doesn't the sun crush the whole state when it lands? D: Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size. C: I thought I read that the sun was really big. D: You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid. C: So how does the sun rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night? D: Well, time for bed. **************** C: Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then? D: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs ARE in color. It's just the WORLD was black and white then. C: Really? D: Yep. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too. C: That's really weird. D: Well, truth is stranger than fiction. C: But then why are old PAINTINGS in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? D: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane. C: But... but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then? D: Of course, but they turned colors like everything else in the '30s. C: So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too? D: Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember? **************** C: Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at greater speed. D: It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only works if you're going west. The Virtues of Irish Youth Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes, Father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" No, Father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No, Father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?" Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads." In light of the recent penny increase on postage, we felt today's joke was appropriate. * I wrote a letter to the Postmaster General once on ways to improve mail service. It got lost. - - - - - * The other day at the Post Office here in Glenelg, Maryland I gave the clerk a word of thanks. She dropped it. - - - - - * I remember when the Postal workers started a slow-down strike for a pay raise. They had to call it off -- nobody noticed. - - - - - * Slow ? Yeah, I'll say. The Glenwood Post Office played the Glenelg Post Office in a game of slow pitch baseball. The game lasted almost all season. - - - - - * I give 'em this though. The rural letter-carriers are more considerate than their urban counterparts. All of the packages marked "Fragile" are thrown underhanded in the rural stations. - - - - - * One good thing about the Post Office -- it's over 200 years old and yet it's never been hindered by progress. - - - - - * I just got my new driver's license in the mail the other day. But unfortunately, it expired last month. - - - - - * If you ever wantta make sure somebody gets what's coming to 'em, better Email it! There once was a mother named Mom, Who had a great son, named Tom. He sent flowers her way, For each Mother's Day. So can you loan me a grand? What is a mother? Soother of boo-boos, Singer of lullabies, Confidant, Friend... Yeah, yeah, yeah -- Here's your plant, I'm double-parked. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. Einstein's famous relativity theory, and I'd imagine an inverse relationship forming - that is -- the more relatives are visiting, the slower time seems to pass NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents. A small 'two-seater' Cessna 152 crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. There once was a man from the sticks, Who liked to write limericks. But he failed at the sport, Because he wrote them too short. A cheerful young lad from Iran Wrote poems that wouldn't quite scan When asked how he'd do it He'd say, "Nothing to it!" I just always try to put as many words in the last line as I possibly can! An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe. "Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall." Kenneth Starr is reportedly investigating a rumor that the Republican Party had used Bob Dole's supply of Viagra from clinical trials to spike fast food deliveries to the Whitehouse. A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "No," the woman yelled back, "It's a scarf!" On NPR I just heard a State Department spokesman say that the State Department's position is based on "past experience." In my opinion, this is an excellent idea. Of all types of experience, past experience is the best. A Question About Primates On the letterhead of: The Anglican Church of Canada Office of the Primate John Hearn, Director Wisconson Regional Primate Research Centre 1223 Capitol Court Madison, Wisconsin U.S.A. 53715-1299 December 11, 1991 Dear Dr. Hearn: Thank you for your letter of December 4 addressed to Dr. George Cram of the Primate's World Relief and Development Fund in which you seek information for your International Directory of Primatology. I should perhaps inform you that the term 'primate' in our context refers to the senior archbishop and chief pastor of the Anglican Church of Canada. The Relief and Development Fund over which he presides is an agency for the alleviation of global poverty and hunger on behalf of Anglican Christians in this country. I think the primates in your study are perhaps of a different species. While it is true that our primate occasionally enjoys bananas, I have never seen him walk with his knuckles on the ground or scratch himself publicly under the armpits. He does have three children, but this is a far cry from 'breeding colonies of primates' as your research project mentions. Like you we do not import our primates from the wild, however. They are elected from among the bishops of our church. This is occasionally a cause of similar, though arcane, comment. The subject of primate biology might be of great importance in your field but, alas, not so in ours. There are a mere 28 Anglican primates in the whole world. They are all males, of course, but so far we have had no problems with reproduction. They include such distinguished persons as the Most Reverend and Right Honourable George Carey, Archbishop of Canterbury and Archbishop Desmond Tutu of Capetown, South Africa. Have you sent letters to them? Most importantly, have they responded? They can, I believe, all read and write by themselves so perhaps this might distort your data. Thank you for writing. I wonder if your extremely efficient database might need just a little refining? Kindest Regards, The Reverend Michael Ingham Principal Secretary to the Primate If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? -- Steven Wright * The class had been discussing the possibility of life in our solar system. One student asked, "If there are people on other planets, why don't they contact us ?" The teacher looked slowly around the room at the students and replied, sweeping his hand, "Would you ? The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!" CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to form Nationsouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will combine the two into one state with the motto "Live Free or Whatever." The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged 1-for-1. PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be the biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces into one sex, to be called Humanicorp. The details of the arrangement are still being hammered out, but early negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in principle to watch ESPN but have refused to give up self-respect. There are also serious antitrust issues that will need to be resolved. A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men had been trying for years to merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream for them. Women were unavailable for comment. Why did the blonde carry a car door with her when she crossed the street. Answer: So she could roll the window down if she got hot A large gathering of blondes at a table with a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster on it were laughing hysterically and crying out "51 Days!". The waiter curious aabout the disturbance went over and asked what the big celebration was about. One blonde said:" This puzzle says 2-4 years and we did it in 51 days. A blonde not belonging in first class on an airplane trip would not move to coach where she belonged exclaiming that she was an actress going to New York. The pilot who was married to a blonde went back and whispered in her ear. The Blonde hurridly went back to coach where she belonged. When asked what he said to her the pilot said simply.:"I told her first class wasn't going to New York." Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are. Women have their faults. Men have only two. (Everything they say. Everything they do.) Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want. It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence. Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance. The only way to understand a woman is to love her, and then it isn't necessary to understand her. To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. A man, will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn't. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, no use two people remembering the same thing. Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us. Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears. Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age. God made man before woman To give him time to think of an answer for her first question Funny true stories: ---------------------------------------------- The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his walkman. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And the last & best....... Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on aletter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face. The following Addendum to the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls: And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, " Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And the Lord said "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so that he will know that he is not worthy of such complete adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other. Two atoms were walking down the road when one bumped into the other, knocking him down. As he got up off the ground, the other asked him if he was alright. He said, "I seem to have lost an electron". The other asked, "Are you sure?" "Yes" he said, "I'm positive". Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult. He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Minnesota" =================================================================== Sadam Hussein phoned President Clinton and told him: "Bill, I just called to tell you I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole America, and it was beautiful, on each house I saw a banner." Clinton asked: "Sadam, what could you see on the banner?" Sadam replied: "Allah is God, God is Allah." Clinton said: "You know, Sadam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see Bagdad, the whole Bagdad, and it was more beautiful than ever, after the war it had been rebuilt completely and each house had a banner on top." Sadam asked: "Say, Bill, what could you see on the banner?" Clinton replied: "I don't know, I can't read Hebrew." ============================================================================ ==== One night a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. The man was so drunk that everyone else left the bar and drove off before he had even put the keys in the ignition. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. Chuckling at the pathetic driver, the police officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how this could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as Cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery Is dead? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? When you a really reaching for something to keep you busy....read on! FACTS FOR YOUR WAREHOUSE OF USELESS KNOWLEDGE Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. There are more chickens than people in the world. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt." All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"-and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A." A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Tigers have stripped skin, not just stripped fur. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life." A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this @ home!) The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz." The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless youre in Australia -then start worrying) Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. Drive carefully It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.. A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving. A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.