In a small Texas town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You silly Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'" A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the European Community (EU) - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules that would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish. The agreed plan is as follows: In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replased by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' is replased by 'f'. This will reduse "fotograf' by 20%. In the 3rd year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful, and they should eliminat them. By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FUTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales. THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN T0MORROW. Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH; IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO. Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS. Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICK COUNCIL Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVE BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS. Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW Sign in a Japanese hotel: SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS Sign in Egyptian hotel: IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM SERVICE!" How to Sing The Blues 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman- with the meanest dog in town. 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds. 4. The blues are not about limitless choice. 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. 10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. the empty bed Bad places: a. Ashrams b. Gallery openings c. weekend in the Hamptons 11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man. 12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis. d. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you were once blind but now can see. b. you're deaf c. you have a trust fund. 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. wine b. Irish whiskey c. muddy water Blues beverages are NOT: a. Any mixed drink b. Any wine kosher for Passover c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors) 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment. 16. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie 17. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) 18. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning" -------------------- - A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station... - Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? - If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? - Does fuzzy logic tickle? - If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery? - I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. - How come you never hear about gruntled employees? - How much faith does it take to be an atheist? - I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem. - If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of? - If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? - If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box? - Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? - I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. - Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? - What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? - What WAS the best thing before sliced bread? 1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. 3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. 4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. 6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise? 7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. 8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't Go Wrong at once. 9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. 11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway. 13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. 14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know. 15) Do unto others, then run..................... Some employment jargon is defined here for your convenience: 1."COMPETITIVE SALARY": We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. 2."JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you. 3."CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. 4."MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. 5."SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend. 6."DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around. 7."MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control. 8."CAREER-MINDED": Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). 9."APPLY IN PERSON": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. 10."NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for resume is just a legal formality. 11."SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: " You'll need it to replace three people who just left. 12."PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. 13."REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. 14."GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. THINGS TO PONDER....... If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you can comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell on another? Have you ever noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or pecable? And where are all those people who *are* spring chickens or who actualy *would* hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, is a species, and not a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. You know you're a redneck when... 1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general. 2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed. 3. You've ever used lard in bed. 4. Your home has more miles on it than your car. 5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve. 6. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. 7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. 8. Fewer than half of your cars run. 9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass. 10. The primary color of your car is "bondo". 11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. 12. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. 13. Your family tree doesn't fork. 14. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. 15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. 17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. 18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. 19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. 20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. 21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. 22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. 23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. 24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. 25. You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland. 26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month. 27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". 28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. 29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. 30. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. 31. You think that Don Perignon is a mafia leader. 32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?" 33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. 34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. 35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!) 36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. 37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. 38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. 39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. 40. You've been too drunk to fish. 41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. 42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors. 43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run). 44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'. 45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. 46. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels. 47. You've ever financed a tattoo. 48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. 49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut. 50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. 51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. 53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. 54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". 55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. 56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps. 57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. 58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. 59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people". 60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. 61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. 62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. 63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. 64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there... 65. Redman sends you a Christmas card. 66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. 67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. 68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. 69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind". 71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis. 72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. 73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. 74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. 76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window. 77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair. 78. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. 79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it." 80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator. 81. You mow your lawn and find a car. 82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. 83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. 84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. 85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. 86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. 87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest". 88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. 89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. 90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck. 91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood". 92. You've ever made change in the offering plate. 93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year". 94. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve... 95. You own at least 20 baseball hats. 96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat. 97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. 98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank! 99. Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..." 100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them. 101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not. 102. you have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't! 103. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end". 104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love. 105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. 106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...) 107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top. 108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed. 110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. 111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. 112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. 113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. 114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. 116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. 117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'. 118. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. 119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors. 120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. 121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!" 122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray. 123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men. 124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house. 125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen. 126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco. 127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle. 128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it. 129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!) 130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado. 131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something! 132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans. 133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House" Skowronski)... 134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. 135. You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey. 136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. 137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar. 138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock. 139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. 140. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You". 141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. 142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item. 143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story) 145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it). 146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson. 147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. 148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! 149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. 150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. 151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree. 152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. 153. Your dad is also your favorite uncle. 154. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off. 155. You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital. Home!! Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?) Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. Newark: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. 45 year old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil. David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself. Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck. Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence. R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. Florida: A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F----UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f----up!" Bad Karma? A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to break out a window, climb out, and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983 on "The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges" when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I. narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for his files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him instantly. Depressed since he couldn't find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy with a gun in his hand, threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour, he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y. was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright. A man hit by a car in New York City in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car then rolled forward and crushed him to death. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison. In 1976, a 22-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake 3 injured bystanders, and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit -- Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes, Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis,broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover. While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway border crossing, just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence, the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gate rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims. Two German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace from opposite directions but both near the middle of the road. At the moment of impact, their heads were both out of the windows where they smacked together (imagine the sound of banging two hollow coconuts together). Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched. In a case of "one thing leading to another", seven men, aged 18-27 years, received jail sentences of 3-4 years each in Kingston-On-Thames, England in 1979, after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him, she fainted. Hearing a disturbance, a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter, and he and his wife were reconciled. A few years ago in California there was a raging brush fire. Once the fire was extinguished, the fire fighters began the process of clean-up. In the middle of where the fire had been burning, they found a dead man wearing a scuba tank and wet suit. At first the fire fighters were baffled as to why a man would be out in the middle of the countryside wearing full scuba gear. Upon further examination, it was determined that the man died from the impact with the ground and not the fire. As best anyone can determine, this man was scuba diving off the coast of California and was accidentally picked up by one of the fire fighting aircraft when it was refilling its water tanks offshore. ********************************************************************* "Old Woman's Gas" An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I pass gas all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've passed gas no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is I'm passing gas just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!" Camping Alert In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it. NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS US Government Department of Fish and "WildLife" Sec. 1200 1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it. 9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin. 10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. BAG LIMITS (Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season) 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4 4. Small-breasted Ball Buster 3 (Female only) 5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 6. Honest Attorney On the Endangered Species List (Illegal to hunt) 7. Cut-throat 2 8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2 9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon." At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller. "What's this?" he asks the waiter. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these." "Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time." BASIC TRUTHS Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film Save the whales. Collect a whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Atheism is a non-profit organization. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department. Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner." If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal. From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines). By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard. Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers. On Gobel's Web page (the address is http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition. What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds. There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund." Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, to spit. Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud. Engineers are like that." HOW TO MESS WITH THE IRS (Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary) Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side). Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand. If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check. On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess. If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped. These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money. Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow: Five reasons to believe computers are female: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow: Five reasons to believe computers are male: 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night. ETIQUETTE TIPS FOR REDNECKS PERSONAL HYGIENE ---------------- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method. DINING OUT ---------- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ------------------------- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are. Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes. DATING (Outside the Family) --------------------------- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time. If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation. THEATER ETIQUETTE ----------------- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS -------- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE ----------------- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS ---------------------- Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. Always provide an alibi to the police for family members. **** Things We Can Learn From a Dog: **** Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. When it's in your best interest, practise obedience. Let others know when they have invaded your territory. Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .... run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.