It takes all kinds, ..Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence... ..With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up... ..And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts... ..And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." ..And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy... ..Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps... Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." ..And for the Main Course... A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs. ..The Getaway A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. ..Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. ..Have I Got a Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars... ..Too Well-Educated In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..." ..Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" ..Ouch, That Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was unning out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody... ..Are We Not Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" ..Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife? Some humor from a surprisingly visionary group. From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10 My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. Age 11 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. Age 15 A woman went to her rabbi. She wanted to know how she could tell what her son would be come when he grew up." No problem," said the rabbi. Put him in a room with a Bible, a martini, and $10,000. If he takes the Bible, he will become a rabbi. If he takes the martini, he will become a doctor; and if he takes the $10,000, he will become a lawyer." Next week the woman came back. "Rabbi, what should I do? I followed your advice, but my son took all three." "My god," said the rabbi, "he's going to become an Episcopal minister." What do you say to an angry witch? Ribbit. What do you call thirteen witches in a hot tub? A self-cleaning coven. Heck is a place for people who don't believe in gosh. How many Druids does it take to change a Light bulb? 501. One to change the bulb, and 500 to align the stones. How many Pagans does it take to change a Light bulb? Six. One to change it, five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before Christians came along. How many astrologers does it take to change a Light bulb? Don't ask me now, mercury's retrograde! I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. -- Steven Wright Police were called to a home where a man had laid dead for two days. He had been laying on the couch. The wife of 26 years finally noticed he wasn't up wandering around the house. She explained that for the last 10 years, "we haven't talked much" Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church. The Top 16 Signs God is Appearing on Your TV 16 "See Rabbi Schwartz, Father Flanagan, and Master Yogi in a theological grudge match in the Steel Confessional of Death in Biblemania XIV!" 15 That "John 3:16" guy at the football game is now holding a sign saying "Channel 5, right now!" 14 The Weather Channel broadcasting 24-hour a day "Ark Advisory." 13 Bearded guy in the window outside "The Today Show" keeps sending telepathic messages. 12 NBC starts plugging "THOU SHALT SEE TV" 11 That older gentleman announcing the new "Fig Leaf Policy" on the Playboy channel ain't Hef. 10 At last, somebody smote those idiotic Mentos commercials!! 9 Guest on Entertainment Tonight squashes James Cameron like a bug, raises arms and exclaims, "No, *I'm* the king of the world!" 8 MTV's Vatican Spring Break '98 7 Maximum possible Jeopardy score: $783,200. Contestant who looks like George Burns: $700,000 and climbing. 6 Flurry of white people sighted on UPN and WB networks. 5 Jerry Springer only gets out the words "Today our topic is..." before he bursts into flames. 4 For sixth straight day, "Kenny G. live from Branson" cancelled due to technical difficulties. 3 When Oprah says "My next guest wrote his bestselling book thousands of years ago, and he hasn't been seen in public since," she ain't talking about Salinger! 2 Your first two clues? Mohammed as sidekick and Buddha as bandleader. and the Number 1 Sign God is Appearing on Your TV... 1 Normally standoffish Amish family from down the street drops by with a bundt cake and a bottle of Amaretto. A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply... Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge, A Rabbi! The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it." Actual excerpt from Viking organizer: Monday: Pillage Tuesday: Burn Wednesday: Pillage Thursday: Burn Friday: Pillage Saturday: Burn; mow lawn and wash boat Sunday: Laundry The Top 16 Ways to Celebrate Spring Internationally 16 RUSSIA: Get off the mile-long line for firewood; get in the mile-long line for umbrellas. 15 HOLLAND: Annual Easter Clog Toss ("Watch out, Hans!") 14 VATICAN CITY: The Pope presides over the ceremonial casting out the first sinner. 13 ISRAEL: Throw cute little stuffed animals filled with rocks at the Palestinians. 12 LIECHTENSTEIN: Send annual "we're still a country" notification to the U.N. 11 CHERNOBYL: Night Parade Of the Glow-In-The-Dark Chickens 10 JAKARTA: Child-Labor Factory #4 switches from making Kathie Lee scarves to Nike running shoes. 9 TEHRAN: Can now attend "Death to America" rally in shorts. 8 BAGHDAD: Before inspectors begin their hunt, replace anthrax eggs with slightly less nauseating Cadbury eggs. 7 PRAGUE: Tank tops (with real tanks). 6 TOKYO: Godzilla turns his fancy from a path of destruction to thoughts of love. 5 FRANCE: French Army stocks up on white flags at annual White Sale. 4 ENGLAND: Leichester Larry comes out of his flat and smiles. If any teeth are straight, 6 more weeks of rain -- otherwise, 5.5 more weeks of rain. 3 IRELAND: Swimsuit issue of "Soccer Hooligan Illustrated" hits newsstands. 2 BOSNIA: Annual switch to "Daylight Bombing Time" requires setting your quality of life back another decade. and the Number 1 Way to Celebrate Spring Internationally... 1 GERMANY: Order the flowers to bloom. Results of the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which readers were asked to come up with intriguing questions to be considered by President Clinton's special commission to study the moral and practical effects of cloning: Are the pope and his clone both infallible? What if they disagree about something? Can you clone Alan Greenspan, or does it have to be LIVING tissue? If Larry King clones himself and interviews himself on his show, wouldn't that pretty much make nuclear war something we could all look forward to? If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind? If the DNA from the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby O.J. Simpson, then could we maybe get an actual guilty verdict? If Hare Krishnas start cloning themselves, how will the rest of us find out? If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or Henry IV Jr. or wait, Henry IV part II? If Michael Jackson is cloned, is it against the law for him to play with himself as a child? Would there be a market for genetic "factory seconds" and "irregulars"? Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted? Is it possible to make a clone of Kate Moss and then attach the two together to make a regular-sized person? Would it work if I binged and my clone purged? Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Colonial Williamsburg? My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of test in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute." "What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him. "The drugs are wearing off," he replied. RELIGION, POLITICS, AND TOYS Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins. Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins. Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins. Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins. Anglican - They were our toys first. Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first. Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins. Atheism - There is no toy maker. Polytheism - There are many toy makers. Evolutionism - The toys made themselves. Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys. Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours. Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us. Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin. Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck. Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants. Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second. Hedonism - Hang the rule book! Let's play! Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses. 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses. Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses. Baptist - Once played, always played. Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys, door-to-door, wins. Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins. Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination. Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry. Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them. Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a darn bit of difference. Zen - If a toy falls off the shelf and no one hears it, did it truly break? Cannabalism - You gonna eat that toy or what? Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Basset + Beagle Bagel, a small, round dog Malamute + Pointer Moot Pointer, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway Three men were being tested at a mental institution. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday." A Blonde (named Bethann) went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?", the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the Blonde replied. "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?" "No, silly! First I put the gun between my tits and I thought I just paid $100,000 for these. Then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid $24,000 to get my teeth straightened. Then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger." A student was walking on campus one day when his friend, another engineer, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first engineer was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." Tickle-Me-Elmo A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles." Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet. ======= Student pilot to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! Get off my back, man!" ======= An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no" said the pilot, Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" ========= From Southwest Airlines .... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight nnn, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. ====== Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." ======= United Airlines FA after a rough landing: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touchdown." ====== About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final descent that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belt fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" ======= Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." Three blondes are sitting by the side of the river with fishing poles in their hands, and the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up and taps them on the shoulder. "Excuse me ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any," replied one of the blondes. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines. We're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets at the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against this," said the Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Warden left in his truck. The three blondes began laughing hysterically. "What a dumb fish cop," said the third blonde, "he doesn't know there are steelhead in this river." A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, opened the duck's bill, inspected the beak, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took the second duck, opened the duck's bill, inspected the beak, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same beak test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where are you from?" The hunter opened his mouth wide and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!" Top 15 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at Work - Submitted by C. Smithson ------------------------------------------------------ 1. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to." 3. "I was working smarter-not harder." 4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper." 5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance." 8. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?" 9. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend." 11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!" 12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?" 13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 14. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 15. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day." Olympic Wrestling! Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match. The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. "I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out myneck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!" A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. One Sunday, the wife decided to do something about it, so she picked up a long hat pin and took it with her to church. While sitting in church, the wife noticed that her husband was once again falling asleep, and as the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out ", and who created all there is in 6 days?", she poked her husband who jumped from the pew and shouted, "Good God all mighty!" The minister looked at the man and said,"That's right, that's right .", and he continued with the sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. After a short while, the man began nodding off again, and just as the minister reached and, "Who died on the cross to save us from our sins?", the wife poked her husband, and he leaped up off the pew and shouted "Jesus Christ!" The minister again looked at the man and said, "That's right, that's right.", and went on with the sermon. The man sat back down, and gave his wife an angry look. Even so, the man nodded off once again. As expected, just as the minister said and, "What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?", the wife poked him as hard as she could. The man sprang from the pew and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing again I'm going to break it in two!" WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it freaking wanted to. That's the freaking reason. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to Synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an environment hich was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000 which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: What, I missed one? To which I can only add: A road is a road is a road. THEY REALLY SAID IT - Submitted by A. Liston ------------------------------------ "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was I failed to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." - Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust. "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted." - Lawrence Summers, chief economist the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to the Third World. Air Force "Squawks" "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough." Solution: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft." Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order." Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for." Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."