Some good some not so good...... ---------------------------------- The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember. - Sheckly Greene A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. - Ronnie Corbett They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. - Billie Holliday I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name" - Mike Binder Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. - Wil Shriner Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer I wold love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business. - Shelley Berman Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? - Calvin Trillin Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -Will Rogers Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. "If only all the hands that reach could touch......" - Mary A. Loberg Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, and then decide to see if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked. "I'll leave that up to you," God replied. "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven." "Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," replied God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed. "How's everything going?" He asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water???" "Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95." Strike Back @ Telemarketers 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?" 2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card. 3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems. 4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary. 5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?" 6. Or, crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. 7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. 8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Friends and Family plan, reply, in as sinister of a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?" 9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out...you can? Well, how about goat blood or chicken blood - HUMAN blood, too?" 10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really," or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. 11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "I'm calling from Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey! I work for them, too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great! They have a group there, too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya." 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yea! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...) The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland was about to cash in by labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics," decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: HEIDI -- n. Greeting. HIRE YEW- - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?" BARD -- v. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - - n. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage:"My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." BAMMER -- n. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left twenny millyun dollers in improvements." MUNTS -- n. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts." THANK -- v. Ability to cognitively process. BARE -- n. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." IGNERT -- adj. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure is ignert!" RANCH -- n. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "Ah thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL -- n. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "Ah sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR -- noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thang's gonna catch far." TAR -- n. A rubber wheel attachment. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mahn don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE -- n. A tall monument. Usage: "Lawd willin' and the creek don't rise, ah shore dew hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." RETARD -- v. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65." FAT -- n., v. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "Yew younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'awl." RATS -- n. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners always bin willin' to fat for are rats." FARN -- adj. Originating from outside local environment. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... mus' be from some farn country." DID -- adj. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim." EAR -- n. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!" BOB WAR -- n. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay 'way from that bob war fence." JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cup'ny?" HAZE -- a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf." SEED -- v., past tense of "to see". VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?" GUMMIT -- n.. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert. Maxims for the Internet Age: ====================== 1. Home is where you hang your @. 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). 19. Virtual reality is its own reward. 20. Modulation in all things. 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 22. There's no place like http://www.home.com 23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed thrills. 26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. Let's face it -- English is a crazy language! There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it! Subject: Sayings Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I am reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. He who laughs last thinks slowest. I was watching "Girl's Night Out" last night, and a comic was speaking of her health classes in parochial school. She said, "Getting sex education classes from nuns was like getting driving lessons from the Amish." Three health care professionals find themselves at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks the first, "Why do you belong here?" The first replies, "I was a great surgeon. I have saved countless lives." "Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you." Saint Peter then asks the second,"Why do you belong here?" The second answers "I was a family practitioner. I treated young and old alike.I made them well again." "Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you." Finally, Saint Peter asks the third, "Why do you belong here?" The third says, "I ran an HMO. I helped allow for thousands to receive medical care." "Okay," replies Saint Peter, "But you can only stay a day and a half." ``Help the Police --- Beat yourself up.'' Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? >TEN REASONS WHY MEN SHOULD NOT BE ORDAINED > >1. Their physical build indicates that men are more suited to tasks >such as picking turnips or de-horning cattle. It would indeed be >"unnatural" for them to do other forms of work. How can we argue with >the intended order that is instituted and enforced by nature? > >2. For men who have children, their duties as ministers might >detract from their responsibilities as parents. Instead of teaching >their children important life skills like how to make a >wiener-roasting stick, they would be off at some committee meeting or >preparing a sermon. Thus these unfortunate children of ordained men >would almost certainly receive less attention from their male parent. >Some couples might even go so far as to put their children into >secular daycare centers to permit the man to fulfill his duties as a >minister. > >3. According to the Genesis account, men were created before >women, presumably as a prototype. It is thus obvious that men >represent an experiment, rather than the crowning achievement of >creation. > >4. Men are overly prone to violence. They are responsible for the >vast majority of crime in our country, especially violent crime. Thus >they would be poor role models, as well as being dangerously unstable >in positions of leadership. > >5. In the New Testament account, the person who betrayed Jesus was >a man. Thus his lack of faith and ensuing punishment stands as a >symbol of the subordinate position that all men should take. The story >also illustrates the natural tendency of all men to be either >unwilling or unable to take a stand. From the Garden of Gethsemane to >football locker rooms, men still have this habit of buckling under the >weight of the lowest common denominator. It is expected that even >ordained men would still embarrass themselves with their natural >tendency toward a pack mentality. > >6. Jesus didn't ordain men. He didn't ordain any women either, but >two wrongs don't make a right. > >7. If men got ordained, then they wouldn't be satisfied with that; >they'd want more and more power. Next thing most of the Conference >leaders would be men and then where would we be? No. The line must be >drawn clearly now before it's too late. > >8. Many, if not most, men who seek to be ordained have been >influenced by the radical "men's movement" (or "masculist movement"). >How can they be good leaders if their loyalties are divided between >leading a church and championing the masculist drive for men's >rights?The tract writers haven't pronounced on it yet, but the >masculist movement is probably profoundly un- Christian. > >9. To be an ordained pastor is to nurture and strengthen a whole >congregation. But these are not traditional male roles. Rather, >throughout the history of Christianity, women have been considered to >be not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more >fervently attracted to it. Women, the myth goes, are fulfilled and >completed only by their service to others. This makes them the >obvious choice for ordination. But if men try to fit into this >nurturing role, our young people might grow up with Role Confusion >Syndrome, which could lead to such terrible traumas as the Questioning >Tradition Syndrome. > >10. Men can still be involved in Church activities, without having >to be ordained. They can still take up the offering, shovel the >sidewalk, and maybe even lead the singing on Father's Day. In other >words, by confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they >can still be vitally important in the life of the Church. Why should >they feel left out? A few years ago I spent a summer learning tai chi.The only ploy to persuade the teacher to give our burning muscles a rest was, "Let's go see a Jackie Chan movie!" We were never too far away from a dumpy theater in Chinatown under the Manhattan Bridge--2 HK films for $3, good Airconditioning--now condemned. Anyway, the subtitles are really like this. Enjoy! Barbara ------------------------------- >> 1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. >> >> 2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. >> >> 3. Gunwounds again? >> >> 4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. >> >> 5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries >> >> 6. Damn, I'II burn you into a BBQ chicken! >> >> 7. Take my advice, or I'II spank you without pants. >> >> 8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? >> >> 9. Quiet or i'll blow your throat up. >> >> 10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice >> chicken. >> >> 11. I'II fire aimlessly if you don't come out! >> >> 12. You daring lousy guy. >> >> 13. Beat him out of recognizable shape! >> >> 14. 1 have been scared shitless too much lately. >> >> 15. 1 got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! >> >> 17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? >> >> 18. How can you use my intestines as a gift? >> >> 19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am >> sure you >> will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the >> dessert floor for your aunts to eat. >> >> 20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! i have captured you by the short >> rabbits >> and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough >> extermination. >> >> 21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up >> >> together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate >> feets >> on some ass of the giant lizard person. Lady Godiva - What do mean this isn't business casual? Atheism is a nonprophet organization. Two ladies were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the ladies said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said, "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrr Kiiiinnnnnnggg!" Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. How many pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to lay hands on it and two to catch it when it falls. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? We choose not to make a statement of either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ. LATIN: Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam. ENGLISH: I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head. There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager. "Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, "... and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half." The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager. "Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams." "Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster," challenged the manager. Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?" Fruit Cake You'll need the following: 1 cup sugar 4 large brown eggs 2 cups dried fruit 1 tsp salt 1 cup brown suger 1 tsp lemon juice 1/2 cup nuts 1 bottle whiskey Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. (make sure whiskey is still ok. Cry another tup) ause yz zy pausee yz zy pausse yz zy pau Turn off the mixer. Beat 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruits. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a screwdriver or something. (Sample whiskey to check for tonsisticity.) Next sift two cups of salt or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table, spoon, whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Indigenous Peoples-Columbus Day - (A True Story) In 1990, the Berkeley City Council passed a law changing the name of Columbus Day to Native American Day because Columbus wasn't nice to the Indians. Of course, no Indians were asked if they wanted the holiday's name changed or if they wanted to be called Native Americans. In 1991, the Berkeley City Council changed the name again, to Indigenous People Day. A group of P.C.ers argued that Indians are not native to America but to Asia, so calling them Native Americans might be insulting to Asians. Of course, neither the Indian or Asian communities were consulted about this. In 1992, the Italian American Anti-Defamation League gave the City of Berkeley their Insensitivity Award. The Italian-American group said that they agreed that Indians haven't been treated well, but that the Italians weren't the ones who did it, so why take away their holiday? Nobody asked Italian-American how they felt about renaming Columbus day. In 1994, the Berkeley City Council changed the holiday back to Columbus Day. In 1995, representatives of the Winnamucca Indians protested City Council meetings. They argued that Indians had never asked that Columbus day be renamed to honor Indians, since it had, the City Council couldn't take it back, less they become "indigenous peoples givers." In 1996, the City Council changed the name to Indigenous Peoples - Columbus Day. Currently there are people lobbying to rename the holiday Animal Rights Day. The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon one day and sat down to drink [a soda] (hey it's my joke!) . After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside !!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know... you left your Injun running! >From the pen of the Irish Goddess/Saint Bridget: I should like a great lake of beer for the God of Hosts. I should like the angels of Heaven to be drinking it through time eternal. I should like the flails of penance at my house. I should like the men and women of Heaven at my house. I should like barrels of peace at their disposal. I should like vessels of charity for distribution. I should like for them cellars of mercy. I should like cheerfulness to be in their drinking. I should like Jesus to be there among them. I should like the three Marys of illustrious renown to be with us. I should like the people of Heaven, the poor, to be gathered around us from all parts. So, this guy calls up a shrink and says, very agitatedly: "Oh, Doctor, I have this terrible feeling! I feel like I'm invisible!" The doc replies: "Sorry, I can't see you right now." The Number 1 Rejected Children's Book... "Furious George Delivers the Mail" The Number 1 Failed Celebrity Endorsement Idea... The Stevie Wonderbra The Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers... TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. Would you like to join... The Yoko Club? Oh no. The German philosophy club? I. Kant. The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me? The Arafat club? Yessir. The Alzheimer's club? Forget it. The Ebert movie club? Roger. The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life. The Peter Pan club? Never. Never. The Japanese theater club? Noh. The quarterback club? I'll pass. The Rhett Butler club? I don't give a damn. The compulsive rhymers club? Okey-dokey. The Spanish optometrists club? Si. The anti-perspirant club? Sure. The pregancy club? Conceivably. The Procrastinator's Club Maybe next week. The Self Esteem Builders They wouldn't accept me anyway. The Agoraphobics Society Only if they meet at my house. The Co-Dependence Club Can I bring a friend? The Prayer Group God willing! Matsu's personal additions: The Las Vegas Sweepstakes Club? You bet. The Incontinence Support Club? Depends. The Record of the Month Club? Sounds good. The Euthanasia Club? Dying to. The Bigamy Club? Love to. The Celestial Soul's Club? Not a chance in hell. The Cartographically Challenged Club? Get lost. The Joker's Club? Get lost. The Tango Club? It takes two. The Mensa Club? A brilliant idea. A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!" A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!" A man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until lands on the ground so hard he knocks himself out. After recovering consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks himself out on the ground again. The little turtle persists again and again ,after each knock, while a couple of birds sat on the end of a branch, looking at the turtle with pain. The female bird says to the male: "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted" > > > Sign in a maternity clothes store: > > > "We are open on labor day." > > > > > > Sign on the door of the maternity ward: > > > "Push - Push - Push." > > > > > > Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: > > > "Reserved for plant manager." > > > > > > Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: > > > "Please do not disturb further." > > > > > > Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: > > > "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" > > > > > > Sign in a bowling alley: > > > "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop." > > > > > > Sign on the inside of a bathroom stall: > > > "Beware of limbo dancers." > > > > > > Sign in a Maine restaurant: > > > "Open 7 days a week and weekends." > > > > > > Sign in school: > > > "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in > > > this building will be temporarily suspended." A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever had", he says. "It cost $3,000." His friend asks, "What kind is it?" He says, "Half past four!" > these simple steps: > > 1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) > > 2. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what > you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the > head." > > 3. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your > shoes since you did this. > > 4. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people > you're waiting for your document. > > 5. Insist that your e-mail address be > zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com > > 6. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they > want fries with that. > > 7. Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent > debate about the direction of one of your company's products. > Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the > disagreement. > > 8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized > chair dancing. > > 9. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." > > 10. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. > > 11. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny > Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. > > 12. Send e-mail messages saying "free pizza, free donuts etc... > in the lunchroom." When people complain that there was none, > just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh, you've got to > be faster than that." > > 13. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has > gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. The Top 14 Threats Used in Dysfunctional Families 14> "Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!" 13> "If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you." 12> "If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man." 11> "Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!" 10> "Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!" 9> "Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore." 8> "Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!" 7> "If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at Janet Reno's house!" 6> "Don't make me put you back in the womb!" 5> "As long as you live under this roof, you're *going* to wear that dress, young man!" 4> "You just wait til your father gets paroled!" 3> "Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin." 2> "Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!" and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families... 1> "All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!" > > Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes? > > Toes Go In First. > > > > Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car > > for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left." > > So they turned around and went home. > > > > What do smart Blondes and UFO's have in common? > > You always hear about them but you never see them. > > > > What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? > > Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds. > > > > Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice? > > Because it said concentrate. > > > > Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? > > They think their picture is being taken. > > > > How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? > > It has a stamp on it. > > > > Why can't Blondes dial 911? > > They can't find the eleven on the phone! > > > > What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you? > > Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth! > > > > How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? > > There is whiteout all over the monitor. > > > > Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? > > It takes too long to retrain them. > > > > A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of > > her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. > > My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head > > hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was." > > she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your > > finger is broken!" > > > > A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette > > said, "Oh, look at the dead bird." > > The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where, where?" > > > > A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail > > to rail, saying "21" "21" "21". A Blonde walks up, sees her and > > decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, > > saying "21" "21" "21". Suddenly, the brunette hears a train > > whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is > > splattered all over the place. The brunette goes back to jumping > > from rail to rail, counting, "22" "22" "22". > > > > Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a > > regular one? > > You have to hollow out the head. > > > > Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID? > > Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. > > > > Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to > > death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? > > They went to see "Closed for the Winter". > > > > Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? > > They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. 46 Things That Never Happen in Star Trek ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1.The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before. 2.The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists who are all perfectly all right. 3.The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems. 4.The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat. 5.The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay. 6.An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads. 7.A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff. 8.A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'. 9.The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident. 10.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial. 11.The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger. 12.The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end. 13.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify with candy. 14.The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in no way connected with the 20th century. 15.Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash. 16.A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. 17.The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle. 18.The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day 19.An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant." 20.A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there. 21.Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come." 22.Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"! 23.Picard walks up to a replicator and says, "Coke on ice." 24.Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. 25.Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position. 26.Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!" 27.When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen." 28.Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails. 29.Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape). 30.Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change. 31.Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net). 32.The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher. 33.Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever. 34.Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room. 35.Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine. 36.Data falls in love with the replicator. 37.Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. [or even: Kirk (or Riker) meets an attractive woman and does not fall in love. -psl] 38.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive. 39.An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale. 40.Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him. 41.Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode. 42.Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...) 43.Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him. 44.Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics 45.Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day. 46.The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow. Murphy's Law Applies to Music (as first printed in The Instrumentalist - September/1994) by Robert Reely ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Murphy's Law If anything can go wrong, it will. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Murphy Philosophy Smile. Tomorrow will be worse. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ O'Toole's Commentary Murphy was an optimist. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Murphy's Law Extended If a series of events goes wrong, it will do so in the worst possible sequence. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Evan's and Bjorn's Law No matter what goes wrong, there is always someone who knew it would. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Murphy's Eighth Law If everything seems to be going well, you've overlooked something. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Trotter's Law of Percussion Music Percussionists will consistently lose music as a concert approaches. Corollary: All parts will be lost at least once, and percussionists will not admit losing any music until they are caught faking the parts. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Uncertainty Principal The location of all auxiliary percussion instruments cannot be known simultaneously. Corollary: If a lost percussion item is found, another will disappear. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Percussion Will Travel Principle On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the school. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Percussion Won't Travel Principle On every band trip one important piece of equipment will be left at the performance site. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Diminishing Quality rule to the Percussion Won't Travel Principle At any festival one piece of percussion equipment will be switched with that of another school. Corollary: The one you take back will be of lower quality. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Law of Lost Drumsticks Percussionists will lose sticks. Corollaries: Percussionists always claim the sticks were stolen. The lost sticks will be found the day after new ones are purchased. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Stidman's Law of Doors The largest timpani is always four inches wider than the door to the auditorium. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Murphy's Law on Instruments An instrument always breaks at the worst possible time. Corollary: The instrument will belong to a first chair player. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Baldwin's Law Instruments are easier to break than to fix. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Wyszkowski's Law Anything will work if you fiddle with it long enough. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Principals of Instrument Repair The screwdriver of the correct size head will be missing when it is needed to tighten a woodwind key. When replacing a woodwind pad, all available pads will be the wrong size. When a pad is accidentally dropped it will roll to the least accessible part of the room. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Law of Diminishing Repairs After restoring one key on a woodwind instrument, three others will malfunction. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mouthpiece Inertia Principle Brass mouthpieces are easier to jam than to dislodge. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Halbrook's Axiom A stuck key will work perfectly when the repairman tries it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Law of Selective Operation Brass valves will stick on test days. Corollaries: They will not stick when the director tries them. They will stick again when the student resumes playing. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Richard's Complimentary Rule of Ownership If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away. If you throw anything away, you will need it the next day. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Communication Principle When a director gives students letters for parents, 15% will be left on music stands, 25% will be inside the music, 15% will rot in instrument cases, 15% will be left in lockers, 15% will crawl under the student's bed, and 15% of the parents will actually receive the letter (although only 7% will actually read it...) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Tillis' Organizational Principle If you file it, you'll know where it is - but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it - but never know where it is. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Edward's Law of Time & Effort Given a large initial time to do something, the initial effort will be small. As time remaining approaches zero, the effort approaches infinity. Corollary: If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Rollin's Rule of Organization The more you plan, the greater is the confusion when things go wrong. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Copier Breakdown Principle Copiers will break down when there is only one more copy to make. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Left-Right Principle At least one person is out of step in any one drill movement. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Murphy's Law of Majorettes If a majorette can drop a baton, she will. Corollary: The drop occurs at the near side-line. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Reely's Principle Any piece you select as a closer will have a final note one step higher than the first trumpet can play. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Peter's Placebo An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The Weather Report Rule On game and contest days, bad weather reports are more often correct than good ones. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Law of Perverse Weather If the weather looks like it's going to downpour and you decide not to march at half-time because a downpour is inevitable, the weather will clear. If you decide to march, the rain will begin with the downbeat. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Global-Warming Principle Temperatures the day before a Christmas parade will be in the 60's and dry. The day of the parade will be 5 degrees with snow. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Small Band Dilemma The drum major is always the best trumpet player. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ New Stadium Maxim Upon entering a stadium for the first time, bands that enter on the east side have seats on the west side. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Rural Visiting Band Axiom The stands for the visiting band will be decrepit and almost impossible to use. Corollary: The stadium lights will be in front of the stands so no one can see the music after it gets dark. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Win-Loss Appreciation Equation The poorer the record of a football team, the greater the appreciation for the band. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Uniform Shortage Postulate There will always be at least one band student who cannot find a uniform that fits. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Forgotten Uniform Parts Law Part of at least one uniform will be left behind on every away game. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Meadows Law of Computer Drill You can still write lousy drill on a computer Corollary: It's much neater. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Electronic Ratio Principle The potential for disaster increases in direct proportion to how much electronic equipment is used to prepare a half-time show. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hole in the Show Law After summer practices you will always be at least one person short of what you charted the show for. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Campbell's Climax Principle When in doubt, do a company front. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Reely on Drill Design The only thing worse that writing half-time drills is seeing the finished product on the field. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bogan's Law of Bus Trips Bus breakdowns always occur on the longest trips. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Traveling Amnesia Principle Forgetful students always forget something. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- RT+1 Principle The scheduled return time of any trip will be one hour earlier than the actual return. Corollary: This happens even when you pad the return time with an extra hour. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ RT+3 Principle You will have to wait another two hours for the last parent to pick up a child. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Tuner Will Travel Principle The tuner will be left behind on out-of-town performances. If it is somehow remembered, the batteries will be run down. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bouncing Check Maxim The largest fundraising check will bounce. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Fundraising Prize Principle A third of all fundraising prizes received will not work and will have to be sent back. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Fowler's Prolonged Agony Law At least one student will wait six months to turn in fundraising money. Corollary: He/She will also try to turn in unsold items. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Blind Lead the Blind Principle Band students playing correctly will always follow the students who are playing something incorrectly. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Murphy's Law of Small Band Sight-Reading Invariably, the melody will be in an instrument you do not have. Corollaries: Cues will not be provided. If they are provided, they will be on the music of your weakest section. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bidewell's Score Maxim You will have to conduct from a condensed score. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Murphy's Music Stand Principle The music stand you get will wobble. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Reely's Adaptation of Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction If you take a music stand apart and put it together enough times, eventually you will have two of them. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Chalk Another One Up Principle Chalk and an eraser are always available when you don't need them. When you need them, they disappear. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Anything You Can Do Law When something is done well, three trumpet players think they could have done it better. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two Principles of Diminishing Concentration Office aides always interrupt rehearsal when concentration levels peak. Students late for class are always those who sit in the center of the ensemble. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Horn's Law of Teachers' Meetings After-school meetings always occur the day of an important after-school rehearsal. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Shanahan's Law The length of a meeting increases with the square of the number of teachers present. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Washington's Assembly Principle Assemblies always occur during rehearsal. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Post-Concert Maxim At least one instrument out of five will stay at home the day after a performance. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Missing Mute Principle At least one mute will vanish from the brass section at any rehearsal. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Wisdom of S-S-Solomon If you can't say it, you can't play it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Extended Rest Theorem The longer the rests, the less likely a section will enter after them. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Davis' Determination Don't assume students remember anything from one day to the next. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Atchison's Law of Difficult Music Students hate music with seemingly unconquerable difficulties. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Vent's Special Request Dilemma When preparing music requested at the last minute by the superintendent, there will be no score or first trumpet part. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Contest Pronunciation Principle If a composition or composer's name can be mispronounced as the program is being introduced, it will. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ New Instrument Aversion Law If a parent can find a cheaper, practically unplayable instrument from their Aunt Flotilla, the will. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Recruiting Ratio Principles For every one student wanting to play clarinet, there will be six who want to play alto sax. For every kid wanting to play alto sax, there will be seven who want to play snare drum. Corollary: The one student who wants to play bassoon will move in 6 months. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The "There's Another Hole in the Dam" Principle Fix one spot in the music and another spot falls apart. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Alternate Fingerings Axiom Any alternate fingerings taught will be promptly forgotten. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two Laws of Beginning Trombone Playing One out of every four starting trombone players will be hearing-impaired. Beginning trombone players use their spry bottles more on other band members than on slides. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lost and Found Principle of Beginning Band Books At least one beginning band book will be left on the music stand after class each day. Corollaries: It will usually be the same student. If it's not the same student, there will be no name in the book. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Swing It Again Sam Law If the dotted-eighth and sixteenth can be swung, it will. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Say It Again Sam Law Even if everything is explained perfectly, there will still be a question. Corollary: You will have just answered the question one minute before it was asked. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Beginning Players Concert Law There will be one video camera for every three beginning musicians ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Premature Deafness Ratio A director's hearing loss is directly proportional to how many percussionists are started each year. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Media Favoritism Law There are always more pictures of the rival school's band in the newspaper than yours. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Armstrong's Law If you don't have it in you, you can't blow it out. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Inner Game Principle Given enough instruction, any student can become completely confused. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Two Least Credible Sentences in Directing The check is in the mail." One more time..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Stern's Observation on Student Musicians Most hear what they think they are playing rather than how it actually sounds. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Punctuality Paradox Give a strongly-worded lecture about punctuality and you will be late to the next performance. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Solo and Ensemble Dilemma Find the perfect solo for a student, and the piano accompaniment is missing. Corollary: The piece is out of print. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Custodial Principle The director's success with logistical concerns at school is directly proportional to his/her relationship with the custodial staff. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Better is More Law Do a great job and you will be asked to do more. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bidewell's Transition Principle You are never as good as the previous director. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Anderson's Solution When in doubt, blame problems on the previous director. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Festival Host Certainty At least one entry form and check will be late for any contest. Corollary: The check is in the mail. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Taylor's Principle of Instrument Purchases Buy a new instrument one week and you will find a better price later. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Salary Axiom Any pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Band Budget Theorem The budget is inversely proportional to the size of the music program. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ School Schedule Law If a new, more confusing school schedule can be developed, it will. Corollary: Music classes are opposite the only offerings of advanced courses. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Spear's Law of Printing Some errors always go unnoticed until the music is in print. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ O'Connor's Addendum to Spear's Law The first page the composer turns to after receiving an advance copy contains the worst error. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ McMurray's Program Principle At least one name will be left off the concert program. Corollary: It will be the child of the principal. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ McMurray's Second Program Principle If there are two ways to spell a name, the wrong one will be selected. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Gilbee's Award Principle When presenting awards, one student will be overlooked. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Eads' Law of Discipline When threatening severe disciplinary action against the next student who disrupts class, that student will be your best pupil. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Murphy's Law of Applause If parents can clap at the wrong time, they will. Corollary: Half the audience will giggle as the band continues playing. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two Principles of Cymbal Cueing Cue the cymbal player and he/she will not enter. Cue the cymbal player and he/she still will not enter. Law of Selective Acoustics The percussion section always sounds loudest where the judges are sitting. It cannot be heard from the podium. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hatch's Law of Clarinet Squeaks Clarinet squeaks always occur in the most exposed sections of the music. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Fillmore's March Law If a march can be rushed, it will. Corollary: A march rushes in proportion to a band's inability to play it quickly. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Barton's Interpretation Principle If you select one of four logical interpretations of a concert work, the three judges will like the others better. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Play It Again Sam Axiom At concert festivals, three other bands will play your toughest piece. Corollary: All three perform before you do, and play it better. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Surprise Symphony Principle At least one section of the music which sounded perfect in rehearsal will go haywire. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Pop Music Principle A student's practice time is directly proportional to how many copies of printed pop music he/she owns. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Tuba Will Travel Principle Tuba players and other players of exotic instruments always move out of the district, not in. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ New Student Law New students who have come from another city always play an instrument you have plenty of. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Lowest Common Denomination Principle After a concert, parents rave about the pop selection played and say nothing about the difficult concert masterpiece. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Paper-Cutter Principle If you can slice off part of the marching music, you will. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hagen's Law of Action If you are unsure of an administrator's approval, do what you want and ask for forgiveness later. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ These are answers to test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri. Music Education Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead. An opera is a song of bigly size. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium. Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby. My favorite composer is Opus. A harp is a nude piano. A tuba is much larger than its name. Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras. You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves. The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody. Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums. Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS! A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard. Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble. Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes. The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good. For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch. I can't reach the brakes on this piano! The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up. Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor. Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types. The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument. The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose. A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so. Tubas are a bit too much. Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra. I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best? My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm. Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed. Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn. A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees St. Peter and asks if this is it. St. Peter says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of St. Peter and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" St. Peter replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you." A prisioner in jail receives a letter from his wife. "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold." A week or so later, he recieved another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." Inane Ponderings 1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 4. How do I set my laser printer on stun? 5. How is it possible to have a civil war? 6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 7. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 12. If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons? 13. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled? 16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? 17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 19. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket? 20. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 21. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts! I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." The other day I went to a tourist information booth and said: "Tell me about some of the tourists who were here last year." If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live there. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? So what's the speed of dark? How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious! Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?