Take this test and find out what your REAL personality is. Just don't cheat!!! Do this, and don't cheat by reading the whole thing first. It's hysterical if you do it right! Get a blank piece of paper, and draw a picture of a pig on it, just a basic drawing, don't spend all day on it. YOU MUST NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE! NO CHEATING, DRAW THE PIG FIRST! HAVE YOU DONE THE DRAWING ?? IF NOT DO IT NOW! - - - - - OK now to the interesting stuff ... The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer. If the pig is drawn: Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic. Toward the middle, you are a realist. Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively. Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates (birthdays, etc.) Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates. Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions. With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful. With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk-taker. With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a period of major change. With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals. The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the better. The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life!!!! (And again more is better!) I think your pig is due for a longer tail real soon. A Genealogist point of view HAPPY HOLIDAYS On the night before Christmas, as twilight draws near. I fold up the papers , I've worked on all year. My ancestors I thought, knew of nights such as this. When young generations, go to bed with a wish. They came from far places, those kinfolk of mine. from towns with strange names, that have passed into time. While our children and Friends, wait for the light, we sit and we wonder, on this peaceful night. How long will it be, just how much time. Before we are the ancestors, The others can't find.. * POLITICALLY CORRECT RE-DEFINITIONS * No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired." You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed." Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive." These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined." Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive." Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps." Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience." You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness." You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time." You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-rententive athletic footwear." No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced." You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal." You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building." It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information." The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged." True Stories Some people tend to cover up the truth when they show up in public with a black eye, broken arm or using crutches, and then try to explain what happened. Elaborate stories are concocted, but nearly every time the truth comes out, sometimes quite soon, sometimes years later. TRUE STORY #1: This man could not give a convincing explanation about his broken arm. He kept muttering something about trying to stick his arm through his car window that he thought was down..... That was the public version, in private, he confessed that it happened when his wife brought some potted plants indoors after they had been out on the patio all day. A friendly garter snake had hidden in one of the pots, and later slithered out across the floor, and the wife spotted it. "I was in the bathtub when I heard her scream," he related. "I thought she was being murdered, so I jumped out of the tub, and ran to help her. I didn't even grab a towel. When I ran into the living room, she yelled that a snake was under the couch. I got down on all fours to look for it, and just then my dog came up from behind and `cold-nosed' me. I guess I thought it was the snake, and I fainted dead away." "My wife thought I'd had a heart-attack and called for an ambulance. I was still groggy when the medics arrived and lifted me onto a stretcher. Just as they were carrying me out, the snake came out from under the couch, and obviously frightened one of the medics. He dropped his end of the stretcher.....and that is when I broke my arm. TRUE STORY #2: One young man now confesses that several years ago he went to a family reunion with extremely red ears and had a heck of a time trying to explain how it occurred. (He never did admit they were burned!). "Burned how?" was the natural question. His ears had gotten burned during one of those long, lazy weekends of nothing but football watching and drinking beer. "I was deeply engrossed in the game, and my wife was ironing near by. She left the room, leaving the iron near the telephone. The phone rang...Keeping my eyes glued to the TV set, I grabbed the hot iron and put it to my ear, thinking it was the telephone." So how did both ears get burned, we may ask. "I hadn't anymore than hung up, when the man called back!!" Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar December 1: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2: Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3: Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5: Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6: Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7: Debug Windows '95 December 10: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11: Lay Faberge egg. December 12: Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13: Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14: Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15: Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17: Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19: Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20: Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22: Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23: Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24: Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25: Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27: Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31: New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. - 'TWAS A REDNECK CHRISTMAS --- 'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer Not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor. His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle, And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle. His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care, And therefore there was a foul stench in the air. That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys. There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11; Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7. John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3: The twins were both girls So they let them be. They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt, Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk. They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall. There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all. Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll! The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw." Maw was expecting And needed her sleep, So out they crept out the door Without making a peep. They all looked around, and then they all spit. The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?" Bubba just stared; He could not say a word. This was just like all of The stories he'd heard. It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin' But the boys didn't know; They was about to start shootin'! They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake That would have resulted in venison steak. Bubba hollered out, "Don't shoot, boys!" That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys. The dogs were a-barkin' And a-raisin' cain, And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name. "Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe! Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!" "Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall! Quit shakin the trailer, Or you'll make Santy fall!" The dogs kept a-barkin' And wouldn't shut up, And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup. Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys. Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys. Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die. He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry. The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry. Just as the reindeer Got into the air, The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn't care. He was busy lookin' At all his new toys. Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys: "Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she's all right. That roof fallin' on her Could-a hurt just a might." But Maw was OK, And the girls were too. They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new. And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick, But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick! Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too. And the Dodge'swish A Merry Christmas to you! -- I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men's room (actually an outhouse attached to the building) there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, "Please Wiggel Handel". Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel Bach?" -- What did the Catholic Church call its new fat-free, low-calorie communion wafer? "I can't believe it's not Jesus!" -- Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture. I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another. ... el Gato -- The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column: Dear Mr. Dvorak: Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters. Dear Mom, The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy. Dear Mom, Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy. P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spellchecked too. Dear Mom, Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really. Love, Billy. Dear Mom, I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad. Love, Billy. Dear Mother, Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how.. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not. Signed, William. Dear Mother, How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August. Regards, William. Mother, Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me. Sincerely, William. See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much. Mary Gates, Concerned Parent Ad campaigns gone awry Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick". Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the lowing in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water." Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant". In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo" It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun. The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1. Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. The Bible has been translated into Klingon. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently- arrived immigrants. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California. Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches. Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones:50.6. Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate. According to one study, 24% of Iawns have some sort of lawn ornament in their yard. Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history. George Carlin's warped thoughts! 1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure? 4. What's another word for synonym? 5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? 6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? 7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? 8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 10. Why do they report power outages on TV? 11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant? 12. Is it possible to be totally partial? 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 14. Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk? 15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? 17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? 18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? 19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless? 20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? 22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? 24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -- or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. Signs spotted in different offices ==================================== Sign in an office window: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left. Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts Sign outside a radiator repair shop: Best Place in town to take a leak Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action On Maternity Room Door: "Push,Push,Push" On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog. Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. Scientist's Door: Gone Fission Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive" Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming. Hotel: "Help!" We need inn-experienced people Dry Cleaners: Drop your pants here Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin" Be "Bach" in a "Minuet" At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." Beauty Shop: Dye now! Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte" Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop. Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait