"American SEX Laws" currently on the books 1. In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. 2. It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex. 3. In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. 4. No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. 5. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you- or holding you in his arms. 6. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!) 7. In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! 8. The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. 9. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer! 10. A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. 11. In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job- for men only- called a corset inspector.) 12. However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." 13. It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. 14. Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. 15. Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. 16. In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. 17. A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons. 18. Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!" 19. No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed. A Blind Man's Sport A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump" "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go" "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack". A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?" "And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight." "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown "I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." --Michael McShane "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." --Jim Carrey "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum "My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." --Ron Richards "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." --Lily Tomlin "Saleswomen hold up dresses that are really ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on' ...On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner "The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in." --Yakov Smirnoff "Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." --Bill Maher "You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day." --Jay Mohr "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld "I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." --Bob Saget "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." --Jay Leno "Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away." --Billiam Coronell "I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' " --Larry Miller "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." --Jake Johansen "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett "I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita Rudner "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery "I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?" --Garry Shandling "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez The Joy of Teaching Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathered them around him, he taught them saying: BLESSED ARE THE POOR IN SPIRIT FOR THERES IS THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN BLESSED ARE THE MEEK BLESSED ARE THEY THAT MOURN BLESSED ARE THE MERCIFUL BLESSED ARE THEY THAT THRIST FOR JUSTICE BLESSED ARE YOU WHEN PERSECUTED BLESSED ARE YOU WHEN YOU SUFFER BE GLAD AND REJOICE FOR YOUR REWARD IS GREAT IN HEAVEN Then Simon Peter said, "are we supposed to know this" Then Andrew said, "do we have to write this down" Then James said, "will we have a test on this" Then Phillip said, "I don't have a pencil" And Barthelomew said, "do we have to turn this in" And John said, "the other disciples didn't have to learn this" And Matthew said, "may i go to the bathroom" One of the pharisees present asked to see JESUS' lesson plan Where is your anticipatory set and your objectives in the cognitive domain? AND JESUS WEPT. Subject: Gynecologist Becomes an Auto Mechanic A gynecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought he decided that being an auto mechanic, something he had enjoyed up to the time he entered college, would be a good profession. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that to work on any of the newest engines and be able to compete with the younger work force, he would have to go to school. So he enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics and pretty much aced the course. The final exam however, required each student to completely strip and reassemble a complete engine. So it was with some trepidation he took on the task. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade. When the grades were handed out he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructor, "How is it possible to have a grade like this?" The instructor replied. "It's really quite simple. You got 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling the engine and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler." Subject: Humor: of the religous bent *A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones." *Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance." *Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am." *A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A young girl answered: "Because they couldn't get a babysitter." *Pastor: "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar." *Rev. H.J. Dick, pastor of Emmaus Mennonite Church near Whitewater, KS, came to the end of a very heavy day at the New Year's Eve midnight service. Getting his tongue tangled, he announced, "Let us now stand and sing, Another Dear is Yawning." *During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boyraised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' " *A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7". *I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?" *Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me. "Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?" *After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had." *My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" The Watch A man named Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes up behind him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and turns around. After glancing at his wrist he says "it's about a quarter to s-" "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til sixteen" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality for a mere watch, and the voice is simply astounding - smooth and perfectly audible, without the tinny sound you might expect from a speaker that could fit on a watch. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons - it has more than a dozen - and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "If we were outside", Jake says apologetically, "it could show you where we were by satellite positioning, but under this roof all it can do is remember my last position and a map of the surrounding area. View recede ten", he adds to the watch, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "It responds to voice?!" gasps the stranger, and Jake nods enthusiastically: "But I haven't got it all programmed yet - most of the functions are still button-activated." "I want to buy that watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this:", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters as well as trigger the stopwatch function for close racing finishes, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all to the now drooling listener, has capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far" says Jake. He starts up "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" by Robert Heinlein, and although the stranger has never heard of either he can still hear those amazing un-tinny voices coming out of the normal-sized watch on Jake's wrist. "I've got to have that watch!", he says. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready -" "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15 000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. "I've just *got* to have that watch!" "But...". Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he could make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only another half a year. "$15 000?" The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "Ok", he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange, the check for the watch, and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake indicates the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't you want the batteries?" A newly ordained preacher and his young wife were talking about being more considerate of each other. The good wife promised herself that she would not be so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. And he promised to honor her privacy and never look in the shoebox in the attic. Finally after 50 years of marriage their children gave a great party to celebrate the anniversary and many people came and congratulated the happy couple. The preacher was obedient and never looked in the shoebox. The good wife was never openly critical of her husband's sermons. On this particular day however, as he was looking for a few more chairs to seat guests on, he came upon the shoebox. He thought and pondered and finally could withstand the temptation no longer. Inside he found 3 eggs and $10,000.00, in bills of varied denominations. He quietly replaced the lid and replaced the box. He was extremely puzzled by what he had found. That evening, after the guests had left, he approached his wife and asked of the shoebox with it's eggs and money. "Oh" she said, "well you remember when we spoke of being more considerate with each other all those years ago?" The preacher answered firmly and quietly "yes", feeling that he had let her down. She told him. "Well I promised that I would not be critical of your boring sermons, but every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer I would put an egg in the shoebox." The preacher responded."Well that's not so bad. 50 years of sermons and only 3 eggs, but what about the $10,000.00?" His wife quietly responded "every time I got a dozen eggs I sold them." Hotel Facts? In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well talking. - Here speeching American. ***********************************************