There is, at least in the U.S., a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer 4.0 package which uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem. "Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis," which may answer the question for some. It translates as, "The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell." How cold is it? An annotated thermometer 50 - Miami residents turn on the heat 40 - Californians shiver uncontrollably Wisconsinites go swimming 35 - Italian cars don't start 32 - Water freezes 30 - You can see your breath You plan your vacation to Australia Wisconsinites put on T-shirts Politicians begin to worry about the homeless 25 - Boston water freezes Californians weep pitiably Wisconsinites eat ice cream Canadians go swimming Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you 20 - You can hear your breath Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water freezes Miami residents plan vacation further South 15 - You plan a vacation in Mexico Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 - Too cold to snow You need jumper cables to get the car going 5 - You plan your vacation in Houston 0 - American cars don't start Alaskans put on T-shirts Too cold to skate -15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo Wisconsinites' stick tongue on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist -20 - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you Politicians actually do something about the homeless Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof -25 - Too cold to think You need jumper cables to get the driver going -30 - You plan a two week hot bath Japanese cars don't start -40 - Californians disappear Wisconsinites button top button Canadians put on sweaters Your car helps you plan your trip South -50 - Congressional hot air freezes Alaskans close the bathroom window -80 - Hell freezes over Polar bears move south Why coffee is better than women.. 1. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some. 2. You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM. 3. INSTANT COFFEE! 4. Coffee never runs out. 5. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. 6. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. 7. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away. 8. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. 9. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup. 10. Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less. 11. Coffee doesn't mind when you just want a "quick" cup. 12. Coffee goes down easier. 13. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it. 14. You can always heat up coffee. 15. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee. 16. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it. 17. Coffee smells and looks good in the morning. 18. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight. 19. Coffee is cheap 20. Two words: coffee bar! Chronological Lessons of Life (fwd)] Lessons From a Long Life Age 7 - I've learned that you can't hide broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 8 - I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 9 - I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 12 - I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13 - I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 15 - I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 24 - I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 26 - I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 29 - I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 39 - I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 41 - I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 44 - I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 46 - I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 47 - I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 49 - I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 50 - I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 52 - I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 53 - I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 58 - I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 61 - I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 62 - I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 64 - I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 65 - I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 66 - I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 72 - I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 73 - I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 82 - I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 85 - I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch: holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat at on the back. Age 92 - I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Have Bible Will Travel There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady. Don't worry - be crabby! The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group. Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. Ah, the thrill of modern dance! The sweeping musical majesty, the joy of poetic motion, the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing bikini brief... How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial question. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service, throw in that little sprig of parsley. Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car! When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people. Women are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it. I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over. They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kinda foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em! Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business. A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper. If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first. Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything! Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny. Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV. So I put the cat there. I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!" People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations. A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn. If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat. Strangers are friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet. It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely. Somewhere, over the rainbow... that's where the airline will find my luggage. The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much. I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up. I've found a sure way to relieve office stress: Step 1: take a deep breath Step 2: count to 10. Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire. REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corporation announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer. In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products. About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day. About the United States Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation. Gordon Hughes, a typical Windows 95 user said "95 refers to the number of times you have to re-install it to recover from a Windows crash, so requiring all Federal employees to use it will fulfill a dream of all U. S. citizens. As President Harry Truman said when asked how many government employees worked in Washington DC: only 5% do and God help us if more of them did." One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting more angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now? When the preacher's car broke down on a country road, he walked to a nearby roadhouse to use the phone. After calling for a tow truck, he spotted his old friend, Frank, drunk and shabbily dressed, at the bar. "What happened to you, Frank?" asked the good reverend. "You used to be rich." Frank told a sad tale of bad investments that had led to his downfall. "Go home," the preacher said. "Open your Bible at random, stick your finger on the page, and there will be God's answer." Some time later, the preacher bumped into Frank, who was wearing a Gucci suit, sporting a Rolex watch, and had just stepped out of a Mercedes. "Frank," said the preacher, "I am glad to see things have really turned around for you." "Yes, preacher, and I owe it all to you," said Frank. "I opened my Bible, put my finger down on the page and there was the answer....Chapter 11." The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree", he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before". A cop pulls over a Mercedes 600 loaded with nuns.... Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the number of the highway you're on! Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 149." Why God never received Tenure at any University! He had only one major publication - it was in Hebrew It had no references - It wasn't published in an academic journal Some doubt he wrote it himself. He may have created the world, but what has he done since? Scientists cannot replicate his results. He never received permission from the ethics boards to use human subjects. When his first expirement went awry, he covered it up with a lot of water. He rarely came to class and told students, "just read the book". Some say his son taught class - he expelled his first 2 students. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held class on a mountaintop. Although there were only 10 requirements, most students fail. Subject: COMPUTERS Actual dialog of a fired WordPerfect Customer Support employee: Computer Assistant: "May I help you?" USER: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." CA: "What sort of trouble?" USER: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.", CA: "Went away?" USER: "They disappeared." CA: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" USER: "Nothing." CA: "Nothing?" USER: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." CA: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" USER: "How do I tell?" CA: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" USER: "What's a sea-prompt?" CA: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" USER: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." CA: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" USER: "What's a monitor?" CA: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" USER: "I don't know." CA: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" USER: ......"Yes, I think so." CA: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it plugged into the wall." USER: ......"Yes, it is." CA: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" USER: "No." CA: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." USER: ......"Okay, here it is." CA: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." USER: "I can't reach." CA: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" USER: "No." CA: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" USER: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." CA: "Dark?" USER: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." CA: "Well, turn on the office light then." USER: "I can't." CA: "No? Why not?" USER: "Because there's a power outage." CA: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" USER: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." CA: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." USER: "Really? Is it that bad?" CA: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." USER: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" CA: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." > >TOP 10 REASONS TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.. > >> > > > >> > >> > 10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. > >> > 9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again. > >> > 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. > >> > 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy. > >> > 6. It's okay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, > >> > because you ARE someone else. > >> > 5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy. > >> > 4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door. > >> > 3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. > >> > 2. Less guilt the next morning. > >> > 1. You can do the whole neighborhood!! As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion." > > << THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY: > > > > > > We don't keep firearms in this house. > > > Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? > > > You can't feed that to the dog. > > > I thought Graceland was tacky. > > > No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. > > > Wrasslin's fake. > > > Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? > > > We're vegetarians. > > > Do you think my hair is too big? > > > I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. > > > Honey, these bonsai trees need watering? > > > Who's Richard Petty? > > > Give me the small bag of pork rinds. > > > Deer heads detract from the decor. > > > Spitting is such a nasty habit. > > > I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. > > > Trim the fat off that steak. > > > Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. > > > The tires on that truck are too big. > > > I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. > > > I've got it all on a floppy disk. > > > Unsweetened tea tastes better. > > > Would you like your fish poached or broiled? > > > My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. > > > I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. > > > Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. > > > Checkmate. > > > She's too old to be wearing that bikini. > > > Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? > > > Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't > > > seen. > > > > > > I don't have a favorite college team. > > > I believe you cooked those green beans too long. > > > Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. > > > Elvis who?