ACTUAL Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins: (shorter version in humor13.txt) 1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. 2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. 10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join. 12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music to follow. 15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child. 22) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 23) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 24) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours." Subject: brain flatulence For those of us who have been feeling less than stellar in the brain department this week, take heart from the following inspiring words of wisdom: Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22 "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S Vice-President Dan Quayle (Right on, Danny!!!) "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -- General William Westmoreland "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet" -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle (You da man, Danny!) "The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others." --Gerry Brown "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another." --George Bush, U.S. President "I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them." --George Bush, U.S. President "Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand." --Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca "Please provide the date of your death." --from an IRS letter "I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes." --Richard Nixon, U.S. President "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony "We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." --Parish Magazine "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." --Bill Peterson, football coach Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation." --Dan Quayle, US VP (you are my idol, Danny!) "Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it." --Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant "We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally." --Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst "Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." --Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel "I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents." --George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Dan Quayle "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Dan Quayle "Potatoe" --Dan Quayle "The road of good intentions is paved with Hell." --Spencer Ante "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "The loss of life will be irreplaceable." --Dan Quayle "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." --Dan Quayle "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." --Dan Quayle "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..." --Dan Quayle "The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman." --Rear Admiral James R. Hogg "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." --Dan Quayle "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." --Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman And we saved the best for last: "Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." --Batman Costume warning label Blonde Ice Fishing A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!" Tips on love by kids age 5-10. WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5) WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10) CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE: "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderant are so popular." (Jan, 9) ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE: "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7) ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE: "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8) "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7) "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9) CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS: "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8) CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE: "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6) "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8) "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10) THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER: "One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8) SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU: "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9) "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9) WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE: "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8) 1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter. 2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. 3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove. 4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk. 5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gittin the far wood. 6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood. 7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood. 8. HARD DRIVE: Gittin home in the winter time. 9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time. 10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside. 11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season. 12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do. 13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. 14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchiebag. 15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields. 16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. 17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. 18 KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys. 19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs. 20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. 21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof. 22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine 23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all" 24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whutya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks. 25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole. Three sons left home, went out on their own and really prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to purchase and give to their elderly mother the previous month. The first said: "I built a big house for our mother." The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third said: "You remember how Mom enjoys reading the Bible and now she can't see very well? So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him; he's just one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.... "Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!" "And my dearest, Donald," she said, "the chicken was delicious!" An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is DEADLY at Scrabble! When you re-arrange the letters: Dormitory Dirty Room Evangelist Evil's Agent Desperation A Rope Ends It The Morse Code Here Come Dots Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em Animosity Is No Amity Mother-in-law Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness Genuine Class Semolina Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes That Queer Shake Eleven plus two Twelve plus one Contradiction Accord not in it And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS The Frog and the Engineer -------------------------- An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I`ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I`ve told you I`m a beautiful princess, that I`ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won`t you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I`m an engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that`s cool." A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the following carefully....... I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as: 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer." Sincerely Yours, Santa Clause (Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209) Characteristics of an engineer Q: What is the definition of an engineer? A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand. Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer? A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker. Q: What do engineers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer? A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own. Q: Why did the engineers cross the road? A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year. Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane? A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way. You might be an engineer if... ...choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma. ...you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room. ...in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure. ...the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions. ...at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling. ...you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. ...you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances. ...you see a good design and still have to change it. ...you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring. ...you still own a slide rule and know how to use it. ...you window shop at Radio Shack. ...your laptop computer costs more than your car. ...your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work. ...you've tried to repair a $5.00 radio. Top 50 Oxymorons 50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline Food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42. Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. British fashion 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt Head 30. Military Intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. New classic 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now, then..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian Scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance And the Number one top Oxy-Moron: 1. Microsoft Works There are some VERY bizarre facts in this list...Facts you may not have known... The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear. Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honour of his brother. Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump." Marilyn Monroe had six toes. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. A snail can sleep for 3 years. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. China has more English speakers than the United States. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world. I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck. Feb 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. No word in the English language rhymes with month. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. Cat's urine glows under a black light. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. You know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. Polar bears are left-handed. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank No.1 for animal having the most taste buds. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. Butterflies taste with their feet. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.Starfish haven't got brains. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of young seagulls. One day his supply of the hatchlings ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?" Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!" A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on." An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged ands aid, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population, who finally went to see a wizard to see what could be done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue. The townspeople managed to put the potion in the witch's food. When she found out about this, the witch turned green with rage, but it was too late and the potion worked as expected. The jubilant population had a big celebration and parade, and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example. Pretty soon people discovered that the witch had been frozen in a position that made her a perfect sundial and started using her to tell the time of day. The custom grew, and even today, people often refer to Mean Green Witch Time. Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?" RED-NECK LOVE POEM Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!! DR. SUESS EXPLAINS COMPUTER TECHNOLOGIES: IF A PACKET HITS A POCKET ON A SOCKET ON A PORT, AND THE BUS IS INTERRUPTED AS A VERY LAST RESORT, AND THE ADDRESS OF THE MEMORY MAKES YOUR FLOPPY DISK ABORT, THEN THE SOCKET PACKET POCKET HAS AN ERROR TO REPORT. IF YOUR CURSOR FINDS A MENU ITEM FOLLOWED BY A DASH, AND THE DOUBLE-CLICKING ICON PUTS YOUR WINDOW IN THE TRASH, AND YOUR DATA IS CORRUPTED 'CAUSE THE INDEX DOESN'T HASH, THEN YOUR SITUATION'S HOPELESS AND YOUR SYSTEM'S GONNA CRASH! IF THE LABLE ON THE CABLE ON THE TABLE AT YOUR HOUSE, SAYS THE NETWORK IS CONNECTED TO THE BUTTON ON YOUR MOUSE, BUT YOUR PACKETS WANT TO TUNNEL ON ANOTHER PROTOCOL, THAT'S REPEATEDLY REJECTED BY THE PRINTER DOWN THE HALL, AND YOUR SCREEN IS ALL DISTORTED BY THE SIDE EFFECTS OF GAUSS, SO YOU MAY AS WELL REBOOT AND GO OUT WITH A BANG, 'CAUSE AS SURE AS I'M A POET, THE SUCKER'S GONNA HANG! WHEN THE COPY OF YOUR FLOPPY'S GETTING SLOPPY ON THE DISK, AND THE MICROCODE INSTRUCTIONS CAUSE UNNECESSARY RISK, THEN YOU HAVE TO FLASH YOUR MEMORY, AND YOU'LL WANT TO RAM YOUR ROM. QUICKLY TURN OFF THE COMPUTER AND BE SURE TO TELL YOUR MUM. This told by a British telephone testboard technician to an American technician during the wee hours one night: Noah had been floating about on the great flood for entirely too many of those forty days and forty nights and the decks were getting a bit slippery. He gathered the crew and assigned areas of the great Ark for each of them to clean of the vast animal droppings. He directed the crew to remove all of the offensive matter to a spot on the deck, downwind of the crew quarters as had been the custom on sailing ships for all time. After the exhausted crew finished the job, there was a significant mound accumulated on deck. Upon signal, Noah had the crew shove it all overboard in one great lump. It wasn't until 1492 that Columbus found it. Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them." Three little old ladies who were sitting on a park bench, when a flasher came by and exposed himself. The first little old lady had a stroke. The second little old lady had a stroke. The third little old lady couldn't reach it. YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM KODIAK WHEN....... you think a man in clean sweatpants is lookin' mighty dressed up you know at least three hit songs from Camp Woody you are familiar with Art Zimmer's letters to the editor you or someone you know have been clients at Safe Harbor you know what the Captains Keg, Waldos, the Montmartre, Kodiak Pizza, and Krafts were you or someone you know wears an "I hate seagulls" hat with a "It's not the end of the world but you can see it from here, Kodiak Alaska" shirt you know who Rusty is at the Orpheum and he's taken your money from behind the window for at least 20 years you know what a "three B" theatre is (be good, be quiet or be gone, thanks orpheum) you've dated at least five fishermen you're used to seeing movies one year after their release you've been on a buoy swing you've worked as a commercial fisher you think crab pots are a nice addition to anyone's front yard you know what it means to "meccanize" if you're a woman who goes to the lower 48, you are shocked to find you must buy your own drinks you think the phrases "in kodiak you dont lose your woman, you just lose your turn" and that regarding the men "the odds are good but the goods are odd" are almost holy words you could be the mecca band because you know all of the words to their songs "funky cold medina" and "short dicked man" are two of your favorite dance songs you've been in the Crab Festival parade you know what "dog on a stick" means you know "the smell of money" you know bio-dry is not a deoderant you or someone you know has been a "Crab Festival Queen" you've been to a pallet party you think Rainier ice is a fancy beer you have vacationed on Shuyak you remember when the credit union used to be a Dairy Queen you know what "the Y" is you've dated a man with a monster or jacked up truck snow in may is normal 50 degrees is swim suit weather "We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessing of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-grand children, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal, bed wetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of NO RIGHTS. Article I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything. Article II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be. Article III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy. Article IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. Article V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care. Article VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair. Article VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure. Article VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and and a funny hat. Article IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in the hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. Article X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights. If you agree, we strongly urge you to forward this to as many people as you can, No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you should you not forward it. We just think it is about time common sense is allowed to flourish - call it the age of reason revisited. Thank You! Two engineering students were biking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." ********************** An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" echoed the artist and architect. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done." *********************** What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. ********************* The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree ask, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" ******************* To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. ****************** Signs In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it "THINK!" The next day, a sign appeared above the sink. It read "THOAP!" Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98 SUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads "WINDERS 98" with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazards screen saver. Also note: a. The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse" b. My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption" c. Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys" d. Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard" e. Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive" f. Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs" g. Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SUTHERN EDITION: a. OK: ats aw-right b. Cancel: piss on it c. Reset: try er agin d. Yes: yep e. No: noop f. Find: hunt fer it g. Go to: over yonder h. Back: back yonder i. Help: hep me out here j. Stop: kwitit k. Start: crank er up l. Settings: sittins m. Programs: stuff at duz stuff n. Documents: stuff ah done did Also note that SUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98: a. tiperiter: A word processing program b. colerin book: a graphics program c. cyferin mersheen: calculator d. outhouse paper: notepad e. jukebox: CD Player f. iner-net: Microsoft Explorer 4.0 g. pichers: A graphics viewer h. irs: MS accounting software i. irs2: MS accounting software with hidden files j. tax records: usually an empty file k. coon dog: American kennel club records You'll recognize WINDERS 98 SUTHERN EDITION as it comes preloaded with certain "Favorites" for browsing the Worldwide Web: a. Fishin': Bass Anglers Sportsman Society b. NRA: National Rifle Association c. Shotgun: Remington Arms home page d. Riffel: Winchester home page e. Pisstul: Smith & Wesson home page f. Truck: Ford & Chevy dealers by zip code g. House: Mobile home repair services & movers by zip code h. Cuzzins: Complete database of southern residents (extremely long download time) i. Bud: List of Budweiser distributors by zip code j. Rasin: NASCAR racing schedule with TV stations that carry the race k. Car'n'truck parts: Junk yards by zip code l. doc: veterinarians by zip code We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this heps y'all out! Billy Bob Gates Head Honcho, MS Sutherin Division The following is a letter from Management: To assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. LIST, as our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.). If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.). Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)