A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed. Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free. Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution. At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret - "what is it with the bananas?". "Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it", replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor." To: My Boss From: Blondie Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: Januark Februark Mak Julk I also changed all the days of each week to: Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak We are now Y to K compliant. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" - - - - - - - - - - In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. - - - - - - - - - - My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. - - - - - - - - - - Why do men die before their wives? They want to. - - - - - - - - - - What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. - - - - - - - - - - A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." - - - - - - - - - - Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mother-in-laws. - - - - - - - - - - Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. - - - - - - - - - - A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." - - - - - - - - - - The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - - - - - - - - - - First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." - - - - - - - - - - How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. - - - - - - - - - - Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. - - - - - - - - - - If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. - - - - - - - - - - Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." - - - - - - - - - - A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." Anton's Letch To the west of Rothbury lies Anton's Letch; a small stream trickling down from the moors, across West Hillside Road and down to the Coquet. Close to the stream can be found a number of modern houses which include 'Anton' in their name; Anton's Leap, Anton's Dell etc. So who was Anton? The story is that Anton was an itinerant priest and possibly a tax collector, around 1600. For unknown reasons, although we might guess if the tax collector story is true, Anton had a disagreement with Farmer Green of Thropton and did the unthinkable; he rode through Farmer Green's midden and away. Farmer Green took umbrage and gave chase. As they approached the burn Anton leapt over and was killed. Locals believe that Anton was shot by farmer Green who was excommunicated by the church but not brought to trial. On his death he was buried in unhallowed ground on his farm at Thropton. It is interesting to note that in 1943 when houses were being built in Thropton an old headstone was incorporated into the wall of No. 1 The Meadows where it can be seen to this day. The inscription is rather worn by time but reads; John Green of Thropton died April 11 1731 aged 92 years. Roger son of John Green of Thropton died Nov. 30 1765. The story appears to be true although the dates are anomalous. John Green would have been born in 1639, some 39 years after Anton was supposed to have lived. Perhaps it was John Green's father but if so why was John Green buried in unhallowed ground and where was his father buried. A footnote: On numerous occasions locals claim to have seen the ghost of John Green walking along the main street of Thropton and always on nights of special joy and celebrations. Sceptics may comment on this but perhaps he continues to celebrate the demise of a tax collector? And if so who can blame him? Dis golong wif de Mombacks 'n de Moteesa's: EBONICS DICTIONARY - 2ND EDITION (Get out your Ebonics dictionary) Once again Leroy was asked to do a simple homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Here's what he handed in: 1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin bidwiz on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL. 2. PLANET - I know this dude who got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard. 3. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said DISMAY hurt a little. 4. OMELETTE - I should punch you dead in the eye for what you just said but OMELETTE this one go this time. 5. STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It just make you STAIRWAY into space. 6. MOBILE - I went to the store to buy some food, I was short on cash, my man said gimme one MOBILE. 7. DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away. 8. AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her. 9. AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH, I'm out. 10. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET. 11. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING. 12. KENYA - I needed money fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change. 13. DERANGE - is where da deer and antelope play. 14. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said DATA boy. 15. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is dis BEWARE I get a job?" 16. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart. (HA!) 17. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, you'll be thrown out de COATROOM." 18. DECIDE - My boy frontin' like he love his girl but eribody know he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE. When Syngman Rhee was president of South Korea, his son had journalistic ambitions. Rhee used his influence to get him a job with Life Magazine. When the young man was sent out on his first assignment, he disappeared. Fearing an international incident, Time-Life hired a top private detective to look for him. After several days, the detective found the missing reporter in a bar and said to him, "Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I've found you." A modern version of "the trouble's leaving here good?" "Microsoft - Boot Camp" It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. "Hmmm.," he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no time." He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust. "Yep, it's working," he concluded. The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!" The World According to Andy Rooney.... Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You." Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. Cripes: My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..." Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing. Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood." Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love." Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of? When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to [The following attachment could not be decoded because line 2 was too short.] begin with. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it; but when I wind up a project, I end it? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence? If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose? Why is a procrastinator's work never done? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?" TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO 10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park." 8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. 7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day". 5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo. 3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. 2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little "M"'s on them. and Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO... 1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape. e-mail sig lines: *** Standard Government Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. *** "In God we trust, all others we monitor." - NSA Motto "We hear you!" - NSA Slogan *** YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MONTANA WHEN: You only own three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You have 10 favorite recipes for elk meat. You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is three feet above the ground. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow. You think everyone from the city has an accent. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't come up on your deck. There is only one shopping plaza in town. You find -40 F a little chilly. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout. You know the 4 seasons are: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Blackflies. The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus. You actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your Montana friends. One day, a Cajun died and went to hell. The devil was making his rounds and saw the Cajun over in the corner having a party. "Hey, you! said the devil. "You're not supposed to be having a good time in hell. After all, it's burning hot in here." "Oh," said the Cajun, "It's not all dat hot in here. It gets dis hot in Louisiana in July." The devil left but was determined to make it uncomfortable for theCajun, so he turned up the temperature even more. Later the devil passed back by the Cajun and saw him boiling crawfish and having an even better time. "Hey!" said the devil. "You stop that! You're not supposed to be enjoying yourself!" "It's no big deal," said the Cajun. "It gets dis hot in Louisiana in August." The devil left very angry at the Cajun and determined to make him uncomfortable. "Okay," said the devil. "If you're used to the heat, I'm going to make it cold", and then turned down the thermostat until it was freezing cold. When he went back to check on the Cajun, he saw from afar that the Cajun was jumping up and down in a frenzy, throwing up his hands, laughing and smiling. "This is really too much!! Why is he so happy?" As he got close to the Cajun, he heard him shout...... "The Saints won the Super Bowl!! "The Saints won the SuperBowl!!" The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then?" The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions." "Millions.. Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos." Other Oxymoron's Jumbo Shrimp Christmas Vacation Sweet Smelling Top 35 Oxymoron's 35. State worker 34. Legally drunk 33. Exact estimate 32. Act naturally 31. Found missing 30. Resident alien 29. Genuine imitation 28. Airline Food 27. Good grief 26. Government organization 25. Sanitary landfill 24. Alone together 23. Small crowd 22. Business ethics 21. Soft rock 20. Butt Head 19. Military Intelligence 18. Sweet sorrow 17. Rural Metro (ambulance service) 16. "Now, then ..." 15. Passive aggression 14. Clearly misunderstood 13. Peace force 12. Extinct Life 11. Plastic glasses 10. Terribly pleased 9. Computer security 8. Political science 7. Tight slacks 6. Definite maybe 5. Pretty ugly 4. Rap music 3. Working vacation 2. Religious tolerance And the number one top Oxymoron.... 1. Microsoft Works At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and said, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: (1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. (2) Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. (3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart it, and drive on. (4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. (5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or (CarNT) but still you would have to pay extra to buy more seats. (6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads. (7) The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light. (8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. (9) The airbag system would say, "Are you Sure?" before going off. (10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. (11) Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. (12) You would have to press the "start" button to shut off the engine. TEKNOLGY FER COUNTRY FOLKS BYTE: Whut dem horse flies do. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. DELETE: Movie-stars an rich folk. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk. ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in Y'all. FAX: What Dot Matrix and Lulabelle Hiemerman shars with everybody when they visit - They knows some fax abut pert near everyone. FEEDBACK: When ya cain't keep yer dinner down. FILES: What'cha sharpen the ax blade with. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin' to carry too much firwood. HARD (er) DRIVE: Haulin' a big load of manure over the hill to fertilize the field. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time. HARDWARE: What you buy at the tool store. INTERNET: Whut ya want the fish down at the pond to do. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the ole keys. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. LASER: A fool dog that won't work. LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood. MICRO CHIP: Whut's left in the bottom of the munchie bag. MODEM: Whacha did to the hey fields. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole. MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn. PRINTING: When the cat leaves dirty paw tracks on the hood of the pick-up. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the hayrake when yer wife asks. SATELLITE: A saddle that ain't heavy. SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season. SOFTWARE: Them dumb plastic forks and knifs. THE WEB: Whut gets stuck in yer hair an on yer clothes when ya walk through granny's attic. TYPING: When yer sortin' out males from females in a litter. UPLOAD: When ya'll pile into the truk ta go ta church. WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside. A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. " "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault. " Little known and marginally useful information... A rat can go without water longer than a camel can. The hippopotamus has skin an inch and a half thick so solid that most bullets cannot penetrate it. The crocodile is surprisingly fast on land. If pursued by a crocodile, a person should run in a zigzag motion, for the crocodile has little or no ability to make sudden changes of direction. A completely blind chameleon will still take on the colors of its environment. The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing. Tongue prints are as unique as finger prints. The men who served as guards along the Great Wall of China in the Middle Ages were often born on the wall, grew up there, married there, died there, and were buried within it. Many of these guards never left the wall their entire lives. At funerals in ancient China, when the lid of the coffin was closed, mourners took a few steps backward lest their shadows get caught in the box. In ancient China people committed suicide by eating a pound of salt. Those condemned to die by the ax in medieval and renaissance England were obliged to tip their executioner to ensure that he would complete the job in one blow. In some executions, notably that of Mary, Queen of Scots, it took fifteen whacks of the blade before the head was severed. The Nazis used the guillotine to execute prisoners during World War II. Their version of the punishment had the condemned person lying on his back with his eyes forced open so that he had to watch the blade as it descended. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top. Honey is the only food that will not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tested by archaeologists and found to be edible. In the Northern Hemisphere, water goes down drains counterclockwise. In the Southern hemisphere, it goes down clockwise. If one places a minute amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will go mad and sting itself to death. Mosquitoes are attracted to the color blue twice as much as any other color. In ancient Japan public contests were held to see who in a town could break wind loudest and longest. Winners were awarded many prizes and received great acclaim. The work of an artist cannot be exhibited in the Louvre until he has been dead for at least sixty years. The Roman emperor Commodos collected all the dwarfs, cripples, and freaks he could find in the city of Rome and had them brought to the Colosseum, where they were ordered to fight each other to the death with meat cleavers. Two out of three adults in the United States have hemorrhoids. If you've ever wondered what the numbers on the Social Security card signify, here is a breakdown of the mysterious code: - the first three numbers show what part of the country you applied from. - the next two numbers show, in coded form, the year you applied. - the last numbers indicate your citizen's number kept on file by the government. Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year. In 1970 an Arizona lawyer named Russel T. Tansie filed a $100,000 damage suit against God. The suit was filed on behalf of Mr. Tansie's secretary, Betty Penrose, who accused God of negligence in His power over the weather when He allowed a lightning bolt to strike her home. Ms. Penrose won the case when the defendant failed to appear in court. Whether or not she collected has not been recorded. In San Salvador drunk drivers are punished by death before a firing squad. Experiments conducted at several college laboratories demonstrate that hard rock music played to colonies of termites cause the insects to enter a kind of frenzy and to chew through wood at twice their normal rate. A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter: Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moooo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow!" Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little 3 year old looked up at her mother and replied: "Bud" WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: He must be mad at me. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental 75 bucks. You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can do your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.