Here is your Friday's top ten province to province reasons for living in Canada TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA 1.Weed 2.Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges 3.The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder 4.The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar 5.Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown 6.A university with a nude beach 7.You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations 8.If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash 9.There's always some sort of de-forestation protest going on 10.Cannabis TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA 1.Big Rock 2.Preston Manning 3.Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent 4.The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education 5.Flames vs. Oilers 6.Stamps vs. Eskies 7.You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of 8.Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's 9.The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups 10.You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN 1.You never run out of wheat 2.Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats 3.Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning 4.Your province is really easy to draw 5.You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard 6.It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house 7.YOUR Roughriders survived 8.You can watch the dog run away from home for hours 9.People will assume you live on a farm 10.Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA 1.You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beach front property 2.Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg" 3.All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto 4.The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government 5.Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes 6.Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter 7.You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work 8.You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood 9.Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut someone off 10.Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO 1.You live in the center of the universe 2.Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump 3.You and you alone decide who will win the federal election 4.There's no such thing as an Ontario Seperatist 5.Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition 6.Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city 7.The only province with hard-core American-style crime 8.MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar 9.Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house 10.Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC 1.Everybody assumes you're an asshole 2.Racism is socially acceptable 3.The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians 4.You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next 5.Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada 6.The FLQ 7.Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys 8.The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers 9.NON-smokers are the outcasts 10.You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards" TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK 1.You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken celtic fiddlers 2.One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income 3.You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies 4.When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours 5.The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston 6.No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick 7.You have French people, but they don't want to kill you 8.Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse 9.Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen 10.You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA 1.The only place in North America to get bombed in the war ... by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire 2.Your province is shaped like male genitalia 3.Everyone is a fiddle player 4.If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass 5.The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert 7.You are the reason Anne Murray makes money 8.You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt 9.The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music 10.Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND 1.Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-ass bridge 2.You can walk across the province in half an hour 3.You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea" 4.This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from 5.The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows 6.Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave 7.You can drive across the province in two minutes 8.It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates 9.You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter 10.You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND 1.The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation 2.If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea 3.In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod 4.The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products 5.If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse 6.You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics 7.The work day is about two hours long 8.You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines 9.If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass 10.It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day Here are a few questions and thoughts on life... 1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes. 2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.... 3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. 4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?" 5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 6. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. 8. Women have found at a certain age, going braless pulls wrinkles out of their face. 9. Some people seem to read the Bible more as they get older. They are cramming for their finals. 10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. You should write "A very good doctor." These notable quotes were reportedly taken from actual Federal Employee Performance Evaluations: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't-be." 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." 12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it." 13. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than the ordinary ignoramus." 14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." 15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier." 16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 17. "He's been working with glue too much." 18. "He would argue with a signpost." 19. "He has a knack for making stranger immediately." 20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 23. "A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on." 24. "A prime candidate for natural deselection." 25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 27. "He has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 31. "It's hard to believe that he beat out a million other sperm." 32. "One neuron short of a synapse." 33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled." 34. "Takes him 11 hours to watch 60 minutes." 35. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead." _____________________________ Three men were sitting in a bar discussing the dumb things their wives had done recently. The first guy says, "my wife is so dumb that she went our and bought us a lawn mower. You know, we live in a condo and don't have any lawn to mow!" The second guy says, "my wife is so dumb, she went out and bought herself a new car, and she can't drive!" That ain't nothing says the third guy. "my wife is going on a 2 week trip without me. I was watching her pack and I saw a package of condoms in her suitcase, and she doesn't even have a penis!" Andy was a COBOL programmer in the mid- to late-1990s... After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and client/server programmers and Web site developers, Andy was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestigious companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hours a week, but it was worth it. Then, several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work took its toll on Andy. He had problems sleeping, and began having anxiety dreams about the year 2000. It reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. Andy decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. Although this was a very expensive process, it was totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the Leap Day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Andy saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!" There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesman for the group stepped forward. Andy couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over? Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the timer on Andy's cryogenic receptacle--it hadn't been year 2000-compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later - not the year 2000, but 9999. Then the spokesman told Andy that he shouldn't get too excited; but someone real important wanted to speak to him. Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Andy that this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded, anywhere, anytime. "That sounds terrific," said Andy. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?" "Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your file that you know COBOL." A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests." IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD... Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men. Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho". Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity. Men would get reputations for sleeping around. "Ms Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models. Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them. Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime. Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit. Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks". Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make. Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas. Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars. All toilet seats would be nailed down. Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers. TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute. All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator. During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year old boys. After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot. For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks. Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets. Subject: Great Comebacks Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter" Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized !" Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing". Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there? January 1, 2000 Re: Vacation Pay Dear Valued Employee: Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing Helping out the President A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him". "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "So far only about a hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning." President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited one of the classes (4th grade), they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious, leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy!" "Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!" You might be an Alaskan if... Someone mentions "super cub" and you do not envision a tiny bear wearing blue tights and a red cape. You go to the bathroom on the plane; but there is no bathroom on the plane. You are vacationing in Hawaii when a beautiful woman in a bikini walks by and you think "Boy! I'd sure like to see her in a snowmobile suit. You can see the road through the floorboard of your pickup truck. You have ever called an 800 number, you found in a catalog, and then were told, "Alaska? Oh, we don't ship to foreign countries." Try saying "North Pole Alaska," most places usually laugh for a solid minute, or they just hang up thinking you're some kind of phone prankster. You have ever put up with the pain of a toothache until the Permanent Fund checks came out in October. You know going "outside" involves a lot more than opening the door and walking out into the yard. You have ever worn a tie with waders. You have ever worn underwear that had something called a "trapdoor". You have learned to never say to your kids, "Be home by dark!" You know a tail-dragger is an airplane, not a bad day at the office. You know bunny boots aren't worn by bunnies or made out of bunnies. You know the meaning of the word "Baleen" and it has nothing to do with making hay into large cubes. You take off your shirt and your arms are as pale as your legs all the way to your wrists. You know that the term "breakup" has more to do with the weather than personal relationships. Your monthly Alascom phone bill is larger than your house payment. Your relatives think you live too far away for them to come visit you but you should come see them more often. There is a bottle of Avon's Skin-so-Soft in your tackle box. You don't know anyone that doesn't own a 4-wheeler. You have ever taken a trip "outside" and tried to cash a traveler's check, drawn on an Alaskan bank, and the cashier asked you for the current rate of exchange in Alaska. You have ever washed your car while there was still snow on the ground. You have more money invested in your well, water purification, and septic system than most folks, down south, pay for a house. You have more recipes on how to cook salmon than you have salmon. You have tennis elbow but have never played tennis, just snagged a lot of salmon. You keep a roll of toilet paper behind your truck seat. You know a honey-bucket is really a bucket but it is not really full of honey. You know that "Rat-Net" is not a rodent catching device. You know the Naknek twitch is an illegal fishing technique, not a spasmodic muscle in your neck. You learned to swim indoors. You leave your Christmas lights up, year round, because as soon as it gets warm enough to take them down it starts getting cold again. You own a lawnmower that maybe gets fired up once each summer. Your bedroom windows are covered with tin foil. You had waffle soles put on your cowboy boots. You think "Hard Rock" has to do with gold mining. Your monthly veterinarian bill is more than your own medical bills. You know that a "handi-man-jack" is a device designed to lift a car to change a flat, not a guy named Jack that comes around your house on Saturdays to repair minor problems. You know a "white-out" has to do with winter conditions not correcting a typo. ANY fish shorter than eighteen inches, you throw back. You think its normal for a town to put all the businesses on one side of the road. You run out in below freezing weather to start your car without a jacket on because it hasn't really gotten cold enough yet to need one. You don't think any of these jokes are funny because they are too real. You can easily catch and kill mosquitos in midair with one hand. You've ever worn mosquito nets. Homer has three meanings: a baseball term, a funny character from the Simpsons, and a city. 'Combat Fishing' drives you crazy. You know that terms 'Jack', 'Hog', and 'Dog' are mean for fishing. You know what "Char", "Greyling", and "Lakers" are. You've ever experienced an earthquake. You've ever experienced a volcano eruption. You've ever experienced an earthquake and a volcano eruption at the same time. Operation "Brim Frost" is an economy boost for two weeks. You've seen antifreeze freeze causing your car to overheat and breakdown in the middle of no where. You had a car with an electrical plug on it. When watching TV commercials, you watch for the small print at the bottom reading, 'This offer excludes Alaska and Hawaii.' You think its no big deal if Russian Bear bombers and fighters fly 'off course' into US airspace. You ever put a window screen on the front of your car to keep the windshield from being cracked by rocks. You ever had target practice in your yard. Ever left your car or house unlocked for any length of time. A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" New Clinton Bumper Stickers One More Whore And We Get Gore HONK! If you had sex with the President Kennedy = Camelot Clinton = Lie-a-lot Clinton: We forgive you . . .Now Resign! Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency Adultery is NOT a family value Does character matter YET? America needs a President Not a Predator Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat My President Slept with Your Honor Student Jail to the Chief Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1 - If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2 - Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having ****** relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic. The student got the only A. One day, Jesus and Moses are out walking on the golf course and decide to have a contest over who can make the best shot. So Moses goes first. He sets up for the shot and hammers it straight for the green. Unfortunately the ball falls in the water hazard. Undaunted Moses raises his arms to the sky and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and unto dry land, only a foot from the hole. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Wow, that was a great shot!" So Jesus sets up for his shot and sends the ball screaming towards the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball headed straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds up one hand and instead of dropping in the water, the ball bounces off the top of it and rolls onto dry land only three inches away from the hole. Moses says, "Wow, that was a great shot!" No sooner had Moses said this than the sky grew dark. The wind starts to pick up, lightning and thunder crackles through the sky. Suddenly, a ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses hit theirs. A fish comes up and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in his talons and heads for the darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle, and he drops the fish to the green. The fish's mouth opens and the ball rolls out and drops into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your dad plays!" Happy Holidays from Your Politically Correct Attorney Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.) KIDS' LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12 Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9 Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9 Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8 Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10 Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9 Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11 Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't Answer him. Heather, Age 16 Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13 Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11 Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10 Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10 Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12 Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11 Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7 Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9 Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13 Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8 Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house. Joanne, Age 11 ------------------------------- How things would be different if Microsoft were headquartered in Georgia: 1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders 2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle 3. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw" 4. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos 5. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse 6. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achey-Breaky Heart 7. Power Point would be named "ParPawnt" 8. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag 9. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!" 10. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Hen house 11. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard 12. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator 13. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton" "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton. "Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." Seen on the net: MS gnomes are gnown to gnarl when gnew gneeds change the gnown from gnormal New Bumper Snickers The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute !!!! I don't care, I don't have to. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. Horn broken, watch for finger. All men are idiots ... I married their king. My kid had sex with your honor student. Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later. This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. I'm just driving this way to piss you off. Spotted owls taste just like chicken. Hang up and drive. God must love stupid people, he made so many. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I love animals...they're delicious. I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink. hoket on foniks werked fur me PRESIDENT CLINTON'S TESTIMONY BY DR. SUESS I DID NOT DO IT IN A CAR I DID NOT DO IT IN A BAR I DID NOT DO IT IN THE DARK I DID NOT DO IT IN THE PARK I DID NOT DO IT ON A DATE I DID NOT EVER FORNICATE I DID NOT DO IT AT A DANCE I DID NOT DO IT IN HER PANTS I DID NOT GET BEYOND FIRST BASE I DID NOT DO IT IN HER FACE I NEVER DID IT IN A BED IF YOU THINK THAT, YOU'VE BEEN MISLED I DID NOT DO IT WITH A GROAN I DID NOT DO IT ON THE PHONE I DID NOT CAUSE HER DRESS TO STAIN I NEVER BOINKED SUDDAM HUSSEIN I DID NOT DO IT WITH A WHIP I NEVER FONDLED LINDA TRIPP I NEVER ACTED REALLY SILLY WITH VOLUNTEERS LIKE KATHLEEN WILLEY THERE WAS ONE TIME, WITH MARGARET THATCHER I CHASED HER 'ROUND, BUT COULD NOT CATCH HER NO KINKY STUFF, NOT ON YOUR LIFE I WOULDN'T EVEN WITH MY WIFE AND GENNIFER FLOWERS' TALE OF WOES WAS PAID FOR BY MY RIGHT-WING FOES AND PAULA JONES, AND THOSE STATE TROOPERS ARE JUST A BUNCH OF PARTY POOPERS I DID NOT ASK MY FRIENDS TO LIE I DID NOT HANG THEM OUT TO DRY I DID NOT DO IT LAST NOVEMBER BUT IF I DID, I DON'T REMEMBER I DID NOT DO IT IN THE HALL I COULD HAVE, BUT I DON'T RECALL I NEVER DID IT IN MY STUDY I NEVER DID IT WITH MY DOG, BUDDY I NEVER DID IT TO SOX, THE CAT I MIGHT HAVE-ONCE-WITH ARAFAT I NEVER DID IT IN A HURRY I NEVER GROPED MS. BETTY CURRIE I MIGHT HAVE COPPED A LITTLE FEEL AND THEN ENDEAVORED TO CONCEAL BUT NEVER DID THESE THINGS SO LEWD AT LEAST, NOT EVER IN THE NUDE THESE THINGS TO WHICH I HAVE CONFESSED THEY DO NOT COUNT, IF WE STAYED DRESSED IT NEVER HAPPENED WITH CIGAR I NEVER DATED MRS. STARR I DID NOT KNOW THIS LITTLE SIN WOULD BE RETOLD ON CNN I BROKE SOME RULES MY MAMA TAUGHT ME I TRIED TO HIDE, BUT NOW YOU'VE CAUGHT ME BUT I IMPLORE, I DO BESEECH DO NOT CONDEMN, DO NOT IMPEACH I MIGHT HAVE GOT A LITTLE TAIL BUT NEVER, NEVER DID INHALE Painfully accurate, ain't it? Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's: 1. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 3. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. 4. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 5. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 6. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more. 7. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.