15 ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS 1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. 2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Mister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and she said: "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy." "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" "Oh Jack," she responed, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snockered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed: "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary K. didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!" -------------------------------------------------------------- License plate, best viewed in a rear-view mirror: 3M TA3 Subject: Rabbits and Law Enforcement The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" Enjoy Your Summer!! A pilot is flying his helicopter, loaded with very rich, very important clients taking an airborne tour of Washington State. After a few hours of breathtaking scenery, the pilot notifies the passengers that they are low on fuel and will have to return to the airstrip very soon. Almost immediately, the helicopter runs into fog so thick that the passengers cannot even see out the windows. The pilot soon gets lost amidst the clouds and begins to wander the skies, looking for his home airport. After about ten minutes, the "low fuel" light begins to flash, worrying the tense passengers even more. The pilot, afraid of having to ditch his only helicopter, searches the plain whiteness even harder for any sign of his airport. Suddenly ... he sees a skyscraper looming in the mist. He hovers the helicopter outside one of the skyscraper's windows. Rolling down his window, he asks an office worker, "Where am I?" to which the worker replies, "You are in a helicopter." The pilot smiles, banks left, and drops down in the middle of Seattle Airport just as his helicopter runs out of fuel. "How did you do it?" asks his co-pilot. "Simple. The answer provided by the office worker was entirely correct, but totally useless ... so I knew I was at the Microsoft Tech Support Office. From there, finding the airport is easy!" A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill,he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Republican." 58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists) ================================================================ 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 30. War Dims Hope for Peace 31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy 42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumn 54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board 55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts! I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." The other day I went to a tourist information booth and said: "Tell me about some of the tourists who were here last year." If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live there. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? So what's the speed of dark? How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious! Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? The First Time -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A young woman asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. The young woman also announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go with him to have sex for the first time. Well, the young man is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the young man for about an hour. He tells the young man everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the young man how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10 pack, or family pack. The young man insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the young man shows up at the young woman's parents house and meets his friend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in!" The young man goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the young woman's parents are seated. The young man quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the young man is still in deep prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the young woman finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The young man turns to her and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." Bill & Hillary Clinton host a large bipartisan dinner party in their personal residence quarters at the White House, including a number of current and former members of Congress, former Presidents Carter, Ford and Bush, along with former Vice Presidents Mondale and Quayle. After the introductory speeches during dinner, Vice President Dan Quayle excused himself to use the bathroom, one adjacent to the First Family's private living room. After a couple of minutes, he returns to his seat, looking rather smug, but says nothing to his wife at the time. After the dinner, as the Quayles returned home, Dan turned to Marilyn and said, "Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom? How can he pretend to be serious about cutting the budget after buying that?" Marilyn's initial look of shock turns to a a sly grin as she turns to her husband and says, "We've really caught him with his pants down this time! As soon as we get home, why don't you call up the paper and give them a little 'insider' information, dear?" "That's an excellent idea, Marilyn!" says Dan to his lovely wife. "You know, sometimes you're just too smart," as he leans over to hug and give his wife a quick kiss on the cheek. The following morning, after the morning editions of the papers have been delivered to the White House residence, Hillary Clinton opens the newspaper over breakfast only to see a bold headline stating "CLINTONS SPLURGE ON GOLD URINAL SAYS QUAYLE." Shaking her head, Hillary smirks and shouts up to the bedroom, "Bill! I think I know who peed in your Saxophone!" : M I N D M A T T E R S This little Jedi mind trick is kinda freaky, till you think about it a little while. Then it's even more weird. Just follow the instructions below: DON'T scroll down too fast-do it slowly and follow the instructions below exactly, do the math in your head as fast as you can. It may help to say the answers aloud quietly. FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can! What is: 2+2? 4+4? 8+8? 16+16? Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5 Got it? Now scroll down... The number you picked was 7, right? Isn't that weird??? Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge. Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out. There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them...really. Now, ARROW down (but not too fast, you might miss something)... What is: 1+5 2+4 3+3 4+2 5+1 Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds. Then scroll down. QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then arrow down. Keep going. You're thinking of a carrot right? If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise. Freaky, huh? Here is another one DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! 1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to eat out. 2. Multiply this number by 2. 3. Add 5. 4. Multiply it by 50. 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1748. If you haven't, add 1747. 6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. SEE BELOW You should now have a three digit number: The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out each week). The second two digits are your age!!! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This is the only year (1998) it will ever work, so spread the fun around while it lasts... ======= Crowded In Heaven It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died," The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...." ----What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?---- ----Hey Y'all watch this!!!---- Define Synonym. A word you use when you can't spell the other one! Pluralia We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes. But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes. The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese, Yet the plural of mouse should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose. And the plural of cat is cats and not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say Mother, we never say Methren, Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim, So English, I fancy you will all agree, Is the funniest language you ever did see. In the Beginning...God created heaven and earth. Quickly He was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why He began His earthly project in the first place. He replied that He just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be Light." Immediately government officials and environmentalists demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that: no smoke would result from the ball of fire; that He would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, that He would have the light out half of the time. God agreed and said He would call the light "Day" and the dark "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said "Let the earth bring forth green herbs and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Fish and Game Department coordinated with the Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was fine until God said that He wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials said it would take at least 90 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be l0-12 months before.... At this point, God created Hell. Others have had a worse day. Makes you realize how lucky you are; Read on: 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. 2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded. 3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. 4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his walkman. 5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And the capper....... 6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. Actual Newspaper Headlines and Ads: FATHERS DAY SALE: TAMPAX TAMPONS $5.99 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. BIG B BRAND PANTY LINERS, WITH BUILT IN FLASH -- 99cents FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700 2 TINKLE ME ELMO DOLLS - BEST OFFER BLACK FACE COWS, CALVES...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. '83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15 DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED. FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL - SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME. FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50 CHARMIN ULTRA BATHROOM TISSUE - BONELESS NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at: . . . . BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD. HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" GET A LITTLE JOHN - THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS 2 BOTTLES OF BEER. PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5 HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED BORDER COLLIE FEMALE TO A GOOD HOE. GOOD WITH CHILDREN. WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN - FROST FREE! BARBIE COUNTRY RIDE -- (note: most dolls cannot pedal the bike). '93 PONTIAC LEMONS - LOW MILES FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100 KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME. TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD. THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER ********************************* ANOTHER POPE IN HEAVEN The Pope died and, of course, went to Heaven (it's in the job description), where St. Peter welcomed him to his eternal home. As St. Peter showed this newest little angel around Paradise, the Pope noticed that it was indeed laid out like a huge heavenly city... and that there was quite a difference in the quality of the eternal homes. Over here were some tract-style homes (for those coming from the Eastern Orthodox churches, the Pope assumed). Over there, a mansion (obviously either a Pope or a member of the Holy Trinity, or maybe a saint). St. Peter led him past the tract houses (thank God!), but over the next cloud the disparity between high and low Heaven was even greater. On the right, a magnificent mansion, the largest so far. Across the street, slums: sloppy little hovels, jammed together in what, for Heaven, was abject squalor. The Pope was chagrined but respectfully silent as St. Peter led him to the left, among the slums, finally stopping before a small indescript little place and pointing: "Here, Pope, is your eternal home." The Pope was shocked, but he remembered his Humility: after all, he WAS in Heaven! Then he looked up from his dumpy digs, and discovered that it afforded him, at least, a magnificent view of the huge mansion across the street. "Ah," he said to St. Peter, "now I see. It is an even greater reward than I had ever dared hope for: spending eternity looking up at the mansion of God Himself!" "No, no," said St. Peter, nodding toward the mansion, "that's not God's home." "The mansion of our Lord, then?" "No, no, Christ lives farther on too. That is the eternal residence of a Unitarian minister." This was more than even a humble Pope could abide! "A Unitarian!! A Unitarian!! How in ... Heaven can this be? What kind of divine justice is this? How can God-In-His-Wisdom assign a Pope, his holy servant, to a place like this, and reserve a magnificent mansion for a... he could hardly bring himself to say it... Unitarian Minister!?" "Ah well," said St. Peter, "you understand how it is. Popes, Popes, we've got Popes coming out our ears up here. That's the only one of THOSE we've ever seen!" ********************************** THINK ABOUT IT..... “Incontinence Hotline... Can you hold, please?” Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with... If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help. Would the Standing Committee please sit down? 43.3% of statistics are meaningless! The difference between tax-avoiding and evasion is 10 Years. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive. Madness takes its toll; please have exact change. It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit. For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients. Why experiment on animals with so many lawyers out there? Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Just fill out one simple form to win an IRS Audit! Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers. Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician. Contents may have settled out of court. If idiots could fly, then Washington DC would be an airport. A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago. Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch. Would you trust a POLITICIAN to run the country? Improve mail delivery... mail the postmen their pay!! “Thank you for holding your breath while I smoke.” Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right. Old is always fifteen years older than I am. 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions. I am the root of some evil; send some money. The buck doesn't even slow down here! Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer. Don't be sexist. Broads hate that. Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience! The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Don't question authority; it hasn't got a clue! Advice is free. The right answer will cost plenty. He who laughs last is S-L-O-W. Parking Sign: Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere! Multitasking = screwing up several things at once. Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm. Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent. Don't insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. The trouble with political jokes is they get elected. A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking. Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it. History is a set of lies agreed upon by the victor. After four decimal places, nobody cares. Almost all loan officers have artificial hearts. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. War never decides who is right, only who is left. A job is nice but it interferes with my life. 'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy. Don't worry; the answer's at the back of the book. A crowded elevator smells different to a midget. Support the right to arm bears. We do precision guesswork. My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot. Don't let school interfere with your education. 'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men. Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit. A penny saved is a Congressional oversight. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders ? The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Laughing stock = cattle with a sense of humor. Black holes are where God divided by zero. ********************************* You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't You wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes,I am, I married the wrong man." After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than like mine." A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants,provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million Dollars and beat me half to death." How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to Get your laundry done free. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Subject: CLINTON JOKES !!!! Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us? A: To get some dick in the White House, we just voted. Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton? A: The President after Bush. Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office? A: Don't hit your head on the desk. Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common? A: They both blew the big one several times. Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government? A: The Executive Branch. Q: What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? A: This time we know who deep throat is. Q: What's the recipe for Clinton stew? A: A small weenie in hot water. Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver? A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws in-terns. Q: How do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex? A: You have to wipe the "White-Water" off your blouse...... Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton? A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference. ----- Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk. Hillary asks Chelsea, "You've been going to college for awhile now, have you had sex yet?" Chelsea answers, "Well, not according to Dad." -------- Subject: Quote of the Year Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Dick Armey, R-Texas, who when asked if he were in the President's place, would he resign, responded, "If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood, hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damn thing?'" ---------- Subject: Only in America ~ Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... ~ Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... ~ Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke... ~ Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... ~ Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage... ~ Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... ~ Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... ~ Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"... -------- Subject: Wilderness 101 Quiz: Say you're heading into the forest wilderness on a day hike. What are the top three items you must be sure to remember to take along? Answer: 1. Compass 2. Canteen 3. Deck of playing cards Directions for use: 1. Consult commpass to figure out which way you're going 2. Drink water from canteen to forestall dehydration 2. If you feel you're *really* lost, take out the playing cards and begin a game of Solitaire. Very soon, someone will show up and say, "Play the black deuce on the red trey." Follow that person out of the woods. WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with. Dogs don't criticize your friends. Dogs admit when they're jealous. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw). Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. You can train a dog. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.) Dogs understand what "no" means. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization. Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. Dogs think you are a culinary genius. You can house train a dog. You can force a dog to take a bath. Dogs don't correct your stories. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake. Dogs admit it when they're lost. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs. Dogs take care of their own needs. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. Dogs are nice to your relatives. HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened by their own kind. Both like to chew wood. Both mark their territory. Both are bad at asking you questions. Neither tells you what's bothering them. Both tend to smell riper with age. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. Both have an inordinate fascination with women.s crotches. Neither does any dishes. Both fart shamelessly. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance games. Both are suspicious of the postman. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. Neither understands what you see in cats. WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS Men only have two feet to track in mud. Men can buy you presents. Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block. Men are a little bit more subtle. Men don't eat cat turds on the sly. Men open their own cans. Dogs have dog breath all the time. Men can do math stuff. Holiday Inns accept men.