I just got this from a Sufi Chiropractrix. No kidding! 1. Yin and ......... A) Yout B) Tonic C) Yenta D) Yang 2. A Zen koan is ........ A) A Jewish Buddhist B) All of the above C) None of the above D) None of the above 3. Just before total God-realization I would see....... A) A blue pearl B) Nothing C) Everything D) How would I know? 4. Lao-Tsu is....... A) Shrimp with fried rice B) The Atman Brothers C) A Japanese word for sneeze D) One of the above 5) Jivatman and Atman merge to become....... A) Jivatmanatman B) The Atman Brothers C) Jivatman & Atman Inc. D) Mr. & Mrs. Atman 6) The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru, and Self is: A) Oneness B) Twoness C) Penpalness D) Just good friends 7) Which of the following is not a name of the Lord? A) Jehova B) Elohim C) Yahweh D) Charlton Heston 8) If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get....... A) A Swogi B) A Salami C) Yogurt D) Heartburn 9) Carlos Castaneda is: A) A flamenco dancer B) A resort near San Juan C) The 2nd baseman for the LA Dodgers D) The guitarist for Santana 10) Om Mani Padme Om means: A) O Manny, pardon my home B) Money talks, nobody walks in C) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd jb D) Sanskrit for, Never having to say you're sorry 11) The sound of one hand clapping is: A) Very quiet B) Similar to smiling with one lip C) A Zen record shop D) Like the "p" in swimming 12) Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to: A) Eenie meenie B) Halloweenie C) Harry Houdini D) Pepto Bismol (this is a silly answer) 13) The Tao Te Ching is: A) The new premier of China B) A new record by Cheech and Chong C) I Ching's older brother D) A massage parlor in Beijing 14) You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience." He means: A) "Have a good time" B) "Don't eat the Swedish meatballs" C) "I just completed EST training" D) Nothing anyone would understand 15) If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how many devotees would it take to mow the lawn? 16) If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared? 17) If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of 3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of 4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in Los Angeles? True-False _______Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring. _______Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on weekends and holidays. _______Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder. _______The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins. Score 0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation! 6-10 points: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly pleasures. 10-15 points: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep reading the New Sun. 15-20 points: You are a very conscious being; with a little good karma you could go a long way. 20-25 points: You are very close to God 1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. 4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 6. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 7. I doubt, therefore I might be. 8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. A fool and his money are soon partying. 14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery. 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 18. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? 23. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? REAL HEADLINES Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors God's session with 3 important people Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner, because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people-Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth!" Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two really bad announcements to make. First, God really does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth." Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist, and the bad news is that he will destroy the Earth tomorrow." Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem has been solved!" This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across a salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish." "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire-engine red, on-board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." "That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish. The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl -- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind. "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?" "Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp. The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears. After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio. "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-M... Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick! The driver amazed and rubbing his head says, "Why'd you do that?" The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you're to have your license ready." The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer. I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he turns out to be clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side of the car and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick!!!!!! The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true. The passenger looking confused says, "Huh." The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road, you're gonna say, 'I wish that chump would've tried that crap with me!" ZACHARY DISEASE A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off your crose. Now get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of the room." So, she did.. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now crawl reery fass to me, " so she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your problem vewy bad, you haf zachary disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates." Confused, the woman asked, "What is Zachary disease?" Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Zachary rike your ass." TIPS ON TIME MANAGEMENT A while back I was reading about an expert on subject of time management. One day this expert was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was onto him. Probably not", one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?" "No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!" Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!" "No", the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all." "What are the 'big rocks' in your life? A project that YOU want to accomplish? Time with your loved ones? Your faith, your education, your finances? A cause? Teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all." So, tonight or in the morning when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the 'big rocks' in my life or business? Then, put those in your jar first. The following were winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? -- Can you drive a French motorcycle? EX POST FUCTO -- Lost in the mail IDIOS AMIGOS -- We're wild and crazy guys! VENI, VIPI, VICI -- I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. COGITO EGGO SUM -- I think; therefore I am a waffle. RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead. RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish. QUE SERA SERF -- Life is feudal. LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI -- The king is dead. No kidding. POSH MORTEM -- Death styles of the rich and famous PRO BOZO PUBLICO -- Support your local clown. MONAGE A TROIS -- I am three years old. FELIX NAVIDAD -- Our cat has a boat. HASTE CUISINE -- Fast French food VENI, VIDI, VICE -- I came, I saw, I partied. QUIP PRO QUO -- A fast retort ALOHA OY -- Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know. MAZEL TON -- tons of luck APRES MOE LE DELUGE -- Larry and Curly got wet. PORTE-KOCHERE -- Sacramental wine ICH LIEBE RICH -- I'm really crazy about having dough. FUI GENERIS -- What's mine is mine. VISA LA FRANCE -- Don't leave your chateau without it. CA VA SANS DIRT -- And that's not gossip. MERCI RIEN -- Thanks for nothin'! AMICUS PURIAE -- Platonic friend L'ETAT, C'EST MOO -- I'm bossy around here. Some interesting facts: If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create an atomic bomb. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories per hour. Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when toxicated. Polar bears are left handed. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds. The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. The giraffe has a black tongue that is 14 inches long and no vocal cords. Butterflies taste with their feet. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Starfish haven't got brains. A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to one of his managed care reviewers. The next morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows: Memorandum 1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. 2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through use of an amplifier. 3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians. 4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. 5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been finished by now. Big companies don't do business via chain letter, and Bill Gates is not giving you $1000. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans and Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. Even if they do, we all have it and if you don't you can get a copy from http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html. We all know 500 ways to annoy people and creep out people in elevators. We also know how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and etc., it takes to change a light bulb. Even if the latest NASA rocket DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think that this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter? And speaking of AOL, there is no "Good Times" virus in your e-mail. Anyway, if you're stupid enough to get a virus via e-mail, we don't care! Lee Harvey Oswald did not kill JFK (Lyndon Johnson did) because Oswald was making cookies for Neiman Marcus at the time. So get a grip; it's *just* e-mail for God's sake. There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car (a Ferrari) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. . There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along, delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. . Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man........ Women, end e-mail here. . Men, keep scrolling. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. Subject: All in a days work A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our truck!" On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." In a Nonsmoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push." On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels." On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs." On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you." At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here." On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin." At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!" On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up." Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop." On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minute." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional." Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations: 1. "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 9. "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." 11. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 12. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer." 13. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching." 14. "A room temperature IQ." 15. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." 16. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 17. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 18. "A prime candidate for natural deselection." 19. "Bright as Alaska in December." 20. "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests." 21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 22. "Fell out of the family tree." 23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 24. "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 25. "He's so dense, light bends around him." 26. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate." 27. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 28. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 31. "One neuron short of a synapse." 32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 33. "Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 minutes." 34. "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby." 35. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears." The German air controllers at Frankfurt airport were a short tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but, how to get there without assistance from them. So, it was with some amusement that we (a PanAM 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 ( Radio callsign Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good Morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of The active." Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going/" Speedbird206: " Standby, Ground, I'm Looking up the gate location now." Ground: (With typical German Impatience) "Speedbird 206, have you ever flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206: (Very Coolly) "Yes, in 1944. But, I didn't stop". By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me." San Francisco Math Quiz ______________________ 1. Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 3/4 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship in public? 2. Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before he's ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes? 3. Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on a given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week? 4. Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole write the check for? 5. The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower? 6. A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be socks of color? 7. George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning. If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is George's average caffeine density in mg/pound? 8. There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or deficit? Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they drinking? 9. If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans to not eat them? 10. Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only one double-amputee? Advanced Placement Students Only: 11. Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man. What is their best option? a. All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors at Mission High. b. Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip's bedroom for $500/month. c. Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual digital-artists-of-color stipend. d. Rent strike.