THESE ARE SOME ACTUAL QUOTES: "SMOKING KILLS, AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE." Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields "WE ARE READY FOR AN UNFORESEEN EVENT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT OCCUR." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP." Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live "THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER, THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER" Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention "IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL" Forestry expert Ronald Reagan "TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS" Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery "IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO" Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA, IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE" Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo "THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET" Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole "IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS" Andrew Mathis "HE WAS A MAN OF GREAT STATUE" Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins "IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK" Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces "I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE" Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF." Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers. "WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES." Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks "I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT." Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents "WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS." Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge "CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE" Former French President Charles De Gaulle "THE LOSS OF LIFE WILL BE IRREPLACEABLE." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake "THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT." A congressional candidate in Texas "IT IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO ESTABLISH A WINNER IMAGE. THEREFORE, I HAVE TO BEAT SOMEBODY." Richard M. Nixon "THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT DOING ENOUGH ABOUT CLEANING UP THE ENVIRONMENT. THIS IS A GOOD PLANET." Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars. "WHEN I HAVE BEEN ASKED DURING THESE LAST WEEKS WHO CAUSED THE RIOTS AND THE KILLING IN L.A., MY ANSWER HAS BEEN DIRECT AND SIMPLE: WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE RIOTS? THE RIOTERS ARE TO BLAME. WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE KILLINGS? THE KILLERS ARE TO BLAME." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social ssues behind the Los Angeles Riots "THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE." Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower "A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE, SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY." Everett Dirksen "A VERBAL CONTRACT ISN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT'S WRITTEN ON." Samuel Goldwyn "REPUBLICANS UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF BONDAGE BETWEEN A MOTHER AND CHILD. Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values "I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES." John Wayne "HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL." Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark "IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND." General William Westmoreland "WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste. "IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET." Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin "I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle 50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline Food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42. Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. British fashion 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt Head 30. Military Intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. New classic 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now, then ..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian Scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance And the Number one top OXY-Moron 1. Microsoft Works The following is taken from a Florida newspaper some time ago: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor again. His trousers had been blown away, and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle. And you thought *you* had a bad day? Well, there is nothing that a little bit of LOVE can't cure! =============== Reality Check 1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. 2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not know he had ever been shot. 3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. 4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. 5. There has only been one Pope. They can only really remember one president. 6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War. 7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie. 8. They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up, and Tienamin Square means nothing to them. 9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is. 11. Bottle caps have not only always been screwed off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull top can looks like. 12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums. 13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. 14. They have never owned a record player. 15. They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of Pong 16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic. 17. There have always been Red M&M's, and Blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones? 18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one. 19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. 20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. 21. They have always had an answering machine. 22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV. 23. They have always had cable. 24. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is. 25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. 26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony. 27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them. 28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno. 29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. 30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave. 31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a Football player. 32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. 33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II or even the Civil War. 34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. 35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. 36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. 37. They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, de plane!". 38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. 39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was. 40. Michael Jackson has always been white. 41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups. 42. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers =============== Lawyer Joke A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gawd....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!" 1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 4. This guy goes into a restaurant for Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!" 5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. 6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." 7. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" 8. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 9. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 10. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." 11. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. 12. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 13. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." 14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." If a fly didn't have wings, would it be called a "walk"? "If tin whistles are made of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?" If they make olive oil by squashing olives, and peanut oil by squashing peanuts... How do they make baby oil? This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners. Entry # 1 There once was a gal named Lewinsky, Who played on a flute like Stravinsky. 'Twas "Hail to the Chief", On this flute made of beef, That stole the front page from Kaczynski. Entry # 2 Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky, "We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski. Since you look such a mess, Use the hem of your dress, And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. Entry # 3 Lewinsky and Clinton have shown, What Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better, Than a bomb in a letter, Given the choice of how to be blown. A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole." The following are actual statements made during court cases: _________________________________________________________ Judge: I know you, don't I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. _________________________________________________________ From a defendant representing himself... Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. _________________________________________________________ Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens. _________________________________________________________ Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys? Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth. Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution. Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too. _________________________________________________________ Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand... Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work? Plaintiff: Dr. J. Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J? Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor. _________________________________________________________ Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. _________________________________________________________ Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets. Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. _________________________________________________________ Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening. _________________________________________________________ Judge: Please identify yourself for the record. Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson. Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for? Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing. _________________________________________________________ Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense? Defendant: Habitual thirstiness? Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!" Bret Hansen Actual Bumper Stickers: God must love stupid people, he made so many. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer. I need someone really bad... are you really bad? I don't care, I don't have to. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. Horn broken, watch for finger. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Keep honking, I'm reloading. Prevent inbreeding: ban country music. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Hang up and drive. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. Montana: At least our cows are sane! Meat is yummy! Mean people rule! Mean people suck, Nice people swallow! Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a Vegetarian. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. Wink, I'll do the rest! Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. FAMOUS DOG QUOTES "Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."-Gene Hill "In dog years, I'm dead."-Unknown "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul-chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"-AnneTyler "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."-Joe Weinstein "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan "Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."-Christopher Morley "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he love himself."-Josh Billings "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."-Holbrook Jackson "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney "He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."- Mark Twain "Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton "I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck TRUISIMS If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Exercise Before Surgery A lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs, and see how it works first. He stood up to demonstrate, held his arms straight out to the side, rotated them counterclockwise, and said, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust." The doctor had her try it. The told her to do it as often as she can, and to come back in a week. One week later, she's back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn't work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and asks her to come back in 1 week. She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can. One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust." The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson. "Yes, how did you know?" she queries. The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion, and says, "Hickory dickory dock......." Subject: Dilbert Vocabulary Latest terms to add to your vocabulary: Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves. Blowing your buffer - Losing your train of thought. Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands. CLM - Career-limiting move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia. Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man." Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in." Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits. Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale, my...um...friend." Yuppie Food Stamps - the ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."