An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home. The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff To be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..." "What do you mean?" his wife inquired. "Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned father. HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with there, Chachi." Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Insist that your e-mail address be: "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN". Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many". Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc....in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none....Just lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99 copies. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours." If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. When driving colleagues aorund insist on keeping your car windshild wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up." Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Practice making fax and modem noises. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Finish all your sentences with the words "...in accordance with prophesy." Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area, and insist to others that you "like it that way." Staple papers in the middle of the page. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.. type only in lowercase. Don't use any punctuation either Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." As much as possible, skip rather than walk. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. Ask people what gender they are. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Sit in your carpark at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". A Selection of Bumper Stickers All generalizations are false. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep. Montana-At least our cows are sane. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Few women admit their age; few men act it. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. Warning: Dates in Calendars are closer than they appear. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. We have enough youth, how about a Fountain of Smart? He who laughs last thinks slowest. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Ever stop to think and forget to start again? ONLY IN AMERICA Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fries, and a diet coke... Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes locked in the garage... Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"..... A woman with twins gave the children up for adoption. One was taken by a family in Egypt. They named him Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain and was named Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. When she received it, she told her husband, "I wish I had a picture of the other boy, too." He protested: "But they're identical twins, If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahal." Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?" 7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broke...." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." ::Drum Roll:: ....And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. "Amen" HAVE YOU UPGRADED YET TO WINDOWS '98?????????????? If you do, here's a preview of the READ ME FIRST page. Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. A) Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). You'll notice immediately that * "98" is a higher number than "95," * a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course). Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again. Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family. Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages ; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed-permanently. Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner. We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.) If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats. Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c). SENIOR CITIZEN I'm the life of the party -----even when it last until 8:00 PM! I'm very good at opening childproof caps. ------with a hammer I'm usually interested in going home -----before I get where I'm going. I'm smiling all the time -----because I can't hear a word you're saying. I'm very good at telling stories -----over and over and over. I'm aware that people's grandchildren -----aren't as bright as mine. I'm walking more -----to the bathroom and enjoying it less. I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm wondering--if you're only as old as you feel, -----how can I be alive at 150? I'm a walking storeroom of facts -----but I've just lost the key to the storeroom. I'm anti-everything now -----anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, and anti-inflammatory. I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN -----and I think I'm having the time of my life!!! A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the Ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a Tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." ----------------------------------------- A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with the Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must Stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the Blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," He told her, "I think you're really going to work out." The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde Only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at The average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?" The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket." One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do." "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife." ********************************************************* * There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. * Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. * Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts. * Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. * Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. * Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. * My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. * One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria. * If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. * Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car. * Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day! * You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there Noah's Ark - If it happened today. And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, " In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark. "Okay." said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints. " Six months, and it starts to rain." Thundered the Lord. " You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping, and there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord "Where is the Ark?" "Lord , please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First. I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U S Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going to the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the Idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corp Of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plane. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many employees I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has." **************************************************************** The Ten Commandments of E-mail Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter. Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn. And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others. Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies --two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am" the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly.....Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that the "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error to her. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.....is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time" the officer says. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119. A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long Line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were Allowed to march right through the gates of heaven - others, though were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity Got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Kodiak; they're too wet to burn!" I'll Have A Loaf of Raisin Bread, Please A local bakery hired a new part-time counter person. She had one eccentric characteristic, which was unknown when she was hired. She wore short skirts and no underwear. She also was a real beauty and had a figure to die for. The bakery has a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the uppermost items. The item that had previously been least popular but was fast becoming the most popular with gentlemen in particular was raisin bread, which was kept on the uppermost shelf. One day an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady without thinking scurried up the ladder, and then realized she had not asked the gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted, so she asked, "Raisin?" "No, he replied but it is beginning to twitch just a little." **************************************************************** Twins, Triplets & ??? Four expectant fathers were in hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered, "I work for the 3M Corporation." An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me! Another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel." After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again. " I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..." " I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..." " I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..." **************************************************************** A Floral Mix Up A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location". **************************************************************** What To Call It All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapade. Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other scandals he's been accused of participating in. Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set -- the "Bill-gates". No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the head of Microsoft is being accused of.. um.. Oh never mind. **************************************************************** Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second man says, " I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, " I would like to hear them say... LOOK!! HE'S MOVING!!!" A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable--infact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains--there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip-off...how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?" The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it." A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for as least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone." What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 30,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet. Note: All 'real men' answer 'C' to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide: A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? A. Innocence. B. Idealism. C. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard or narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. What about hugging another male? A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: 1. He is legally within the base path, 2. Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, 3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats. 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what? 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "They're in school already?" C. "There are three of them?" 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? A. He was being tested. B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C. He refused to ask directions. 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? A. Democracy. B. Religion. C. Remote control. The Princess Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- TWISTED DISNEY Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter,something or other...." _______________________________________________________ Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch? __________________________________________________________ Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!" __________________________________________________________ Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!" ________________________________________________________ Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy," __________________________________________________ Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend? ~~~ Porch light's on, but no one's home! ~~~ The foreman at a housing construction site walked into a room where one of the workers was hanging on a chain in the middle of the ceiling proclaiming "I'm a chandelier! I'm a chandelier!" When he gave the workman a hard warning to get down and back to work, the other workers in the room watched carefully. The foreman returned an hour later, and became furious when he found the same worker hanging on the chain, insisting he was, in fact, a chandelier. The foreman immediately gives the worker his walking papers and says he'll never work there again! Upon hearing this, every other worker packs their tools and begins to leave, too! Even more frustrated, the foreman says, "What's going on? Why are you *all* leaving?" One of the workers replies "Sorry, union rules - You don't expect us to work in the dark, do you?"