"Seinfeldisms"

   Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  
   Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  
   Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
  
   Why is the word abbreviation so long?
  
   Is it possible to be totally partial?
  
   What's another word for thesaurus?
  
   If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
  
   If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
   lights off?
  
   When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
  
   If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
  
   If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
  
   If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
   remain silent?
  
   If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  
   When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
  
   Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  
   Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
  
   What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only
   endangered plants?
  
   Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
  
   Why is bra singular and panties plural?
  
   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
   is it considered a hostage situation?
  
   Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would
   they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
  
   Is there another word for synonym?
  
   Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
   "practice"?
  
   When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
  
   When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
   thrown away?
  
   Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
  
   Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
 
   Why do they report power outages on TV?







INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT

     You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give
anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute 
an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let
others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.

     If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then
enter:
     <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

     If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven
will set itself and cook the dinner. 

     If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients
of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner,
and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will
calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your
specification.

     Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner
from the oven and enter
     <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to
be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot.
If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. 

     Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big,
larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

     Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call
Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another
variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

     Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions
of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size.

     Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only
in Microsoft approved packaging.

     Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
thrilled in advance.

     Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a
bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.








"Darwin Award Candidates"


6/97 - A driver, who crashed into the side of a 3000-ton wheat 
train and was dragged in his car more than a kilometer before 
being slammed into a pylon at the edge of a cliff, fell to his 
death as he walked for help.

The Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, 
were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern 
New South Wales, on Wednesday night, police said.

Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long 
train at a level crossing. The vehicle became wedged between the 
second last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside 
the track as the train continued towards Moree, a police 
spokeswoman said.

After being carried more than a kilometer and a half they 
approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the 
spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the 
car was struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train and spun 
several times. When it came to rest, the pair managed to free 
themselves from the wreck with minor bruising and the man set off 
along the railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and 
fell to his death, the spokeswoman said.

The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was 
recovering in Moree hospital with chest injuries.

----------------------------------------------

Miami, FL motorist Alvin Sims didn't notice that his truck had 
smacked into a utility pole and his passenger was dead until the 
police stopped his car.

Donna Richardson, 29, was hanging her head out of the window of 
her boy friends 1993 Chevrolet truck early Saturday - she was 
vomiting - when the truck suddenly veered. Her head slammed a 
pole and she died instantly, police said Monday. Sims, 36, kept 
driving.

Metro-Dade police said when an officer stopped the truck several 
miles later - its right mirror and antenna were damaged. Sims 
told police that he was looking for a hospital because his 
passenger was sick.

"Apparently, he thought he hit a puddle and did not see that he 
had killed her."

----------------------------------------------

On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit 
a robbery.  This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by 
his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally 
stupid choice:

1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.

2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial 
fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed 
handguns in public places.

3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County 
Police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having 
coffee before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup 
and fired a few wild shots.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from 
the gene pool.

Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No 
one else was hurt.

----------------------------------------------

Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with 
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth 
E.  Richards.  According to police, Derrick suggested a game of 
Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Ken's head 
instead of a revolver.

----------------------------------------------

MOSCOW, RUSSIA -A drunk security man asked a colleague at the 
Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to 
see if it protected him against the knife. It didn't and the 25-
year-old guard died of a heart wound.

----------------------------------------------

Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to 
commit suicide.  He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a 
noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a 
large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He 
even tried to shoot himself at the last moment.

He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him and cut 
through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he 
plunged into the sea.  The sudden dunking extinguished the flames 
and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by 
a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he died ... of 
exposure!!!




More Darwin Awards (FDW)

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The 1997 Darwin Award competition has announced its runners up 
and winners. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the 
remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self 
sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from 
the human gene pool.

Note, there was great improvement in the areas of teamwork and 
cooperation among the candidates in 1997-- it's no longer an 
individual sport. Here are (drum roll) the 1997 runners-up and 
winners:

5th runner-up:

A San Anselmo, California, man died when he hit a lift tower at 
the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a 
foam pad.  22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at 
Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., 
The Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends 
apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid 
some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike 
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.

The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The 
group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and 
Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and 
determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th Runner-up:

Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis 
market when the clerk threatened to call the police. Puelo 
grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth, and walked out 
without paying.  Police found him unconscious in front of the 
store-- paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat 
where it had choked him to death.

3rd Runner-up:

Poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, shot a stag standing above him 
on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on 
him.

2nd Runner-up:
A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in 
Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-
up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, 
triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and 
tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a 
prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. 
"Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was 
trying to explode it, said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this 
guy said I'll show you how to set it off. "He put it into his 
mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and 
tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition 
Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a 
spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't 
imagine anyone doing something like that, Payne said.

1st Runner-up:

Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot 
through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and 
will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost 
his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a man's 
rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as 
Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend 
tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered 
Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter 
to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts 
would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at 
the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 
to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his 
skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.  
Delashaw also said had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his 
own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted 
afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. 
(DUH). Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges 
have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's 
office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Last year's winner, you will remember, was the fellow who was 
killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to 
his Chevy Impala and shot himself and his car into a desert cliff 
at 300 M.P.H. ....now this year's winners:

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, 
of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local 
Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having 
no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought 
it would be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into 
the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and 
the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky (who was 100 pounds 
heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his 
friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was 
a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved 
himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall 
was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) 
by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from 
the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes 
below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, 
he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts 
to free himself from the tree.  

Finally free, (did I mention he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed 
into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and 
now without the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch 
penetrated his rectal cavity. To make matters worse (?!), on 
landing,his pocket knife penetrated his thigh 3-inches. (The 
late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and 
agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he 
thinks of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck 
and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he 
put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing 
on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed 
pick-up with its driver thrown 100-feet from the truck and dead 
at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the 
truck, they found John under it, half-naked with scratches on his 
body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his 
shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

Remember THE safety question: "WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN 
IF I DO THIS?"

Have a safe day (& year!)









You know you're from California when:

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Your car has bulletproof windows.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

Your mouse has only one ball.

You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains "significant others".

Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.

You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the closets.

When "the Dead" are best live.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

Smoking in your office is not optional.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater
and a wetsuit for the beach.

When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch".

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

When all highways into the state say: "no fruits".

All highways out of the state say:  "Go back".

Blonde Shopper 

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a real bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told
the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: haircut and new color,
new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again
approached the salesman.  "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.






 Top Ten Changes at NASA to Accommodate 76 Year-Old John Glenn's Return]
 9 Feb. 1998  "Mark M. Herrick"

10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
7. "Early Bird" specials from Morrison's Cafeteria included on  menu.
6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock reruns.
5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
2. Space pants now go up to armpits.
1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.







First Interview...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  At the end of a job interview, the human-resources director 
asked the new MBA graduate what salary he would expect if he were hired. 
The candidate responded confidently, "In the neighborhood of $100,000,
depending on the benefits package."
  The HR director replied, "What would you say to a benefits
package of five paid weeks of vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical
and dental, a retirement fund with a 50-percent company match, and a company
car - say, a '97 red convertible BMW."
  The grad sat up, mouth agape, and said, "Are you
kidding?"
  "Of course," the HR director replied.  "But you started it!







 ~~~  The Techno Terms Dictionary  ~~~

 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

 State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

 Obsolete - Any computer you own.

 Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to
 become obsolete.

 G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster
 than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

 Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want
 to buy a computer and money is no object."

 Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp.
 after a Syntax Error.

 GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
 (pronounced "gooey")

 Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

 Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to
 generate.

 Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

 Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work
 at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

 Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

 Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

 System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software




A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving
at speeds that bordered on unsafe. When checking his rear- view mirror, he
noticed that a small object, followed by a trail of dust, was closing
fast. His curiosity piqued, he slowed a bit to get a better look. As the
object came into view, it was clearly a chicken. While the man watched
in amazement, the bird whizzed by him. He checked his speed as this
happened:  could it really pass him when he was doing 35? 

There was no way a chicken was going to make a joke of his $18,000
machine. He slammed down the gas pedal and went screaming toward the
offending fowl. He grinned with satisfaction as he passed it, but a few
seconds later, he spotted it running even with him, staying in view. He
studied the bird and noticed that it had three legs! This was really
strange. Suddenly, the chicken zipped ahead of his car, took a sharp
left turn and disappeared behind a haystack. 

The man had to check this out. He spun his wheel and barely made the
turn.  As he came around the other side of the haystack, he had to slam on his
brakes to avoid the farmer, who stood complacently chewing a toothpick
and looking blankly at the car that nearly flattened him. The chicken stood
nearby, not even breathing heavily. 

The man got out of his car. "This your chicken?", he asked. 

"Yup." 

"How is it possible that it has three legs?" 

"Me and my wife, we raise 'em that way," the farmer droned. 

The man looked puzzled. "Why?" 

"Well," came the reply, "you sit down to dinner with your wife and a
guest. You like a drumstick?" 

"Sure, but..." 

"And your wife, she likes a drumstick?" 

"Yeah, so?" 

"Your guest might like one too, you reckon?" 

Now it was clear. "Oh, I see!" He smiled. He couldn't wait to spring
this on his friends. "What does it taste like?" 

"Dunno," said the farmer, "never caught one."






The Washington Post asked its readers to change a famous quote by one
letter, and reattribute it to someone else.

"What foods these mortals be." -- Jeffrey Dahmer

"Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just glad to see Mel?" --
Vanessa Perhach to Marv Albert

"Hey Judge, don't make it bad." -- Terry Nichols

"Some day my prince will cope." -- Queen Elizabeth

"Slaughter is the best medicine." -- Saddam Hussein

"Here's looking at your kid." -- Michael Jackson

"What am I, chopped lover?" -- John Bobbitt

"Wife's a bitch and then you die." -- Harry Helmsley

"All me are created equal." -- Dolly the sheep

"Perception is realty." -- Donald Trump

"Nice guys finish vast." -- Chris Farley

"Come up and sue me sometime." -- Bill Clinton

"Live long and proper." -- Miss Manners

"I thank, therefore I am." -- Miss Manners

"You can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." -- Phyllis Diller

"Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 97 percent perspiration." -- Dan Quayle

"If you don't got it, you don't get it." -- Marla Maples

"Two heads are better than none." -- Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI

"I cannot sell a lie." -- Bill Clinton

"Take the money and rub." -- Heidi Fleiss

"Keep on tucking." -- Dolly Parton

"Id shall return." -- Sigmund Freud

"Anybody who hates kids and DOS can't be all bad." -- Steve Jobs

"A wind is a terrible thing to waste." 
         -- Steve Fossett, would-be balloonist

"The reports of my depth are greatly exaggerated." -- Dan Quayle

"We are not abused." -- The Menendez brothers

"Coke up and see me sometime." -- Marion Barry

"I made him an offer he couldn't defuse." -- Ted Kaczynski

"Old soldiers never diet." -- Norman Schwarzkopf

"Marry in haste, repeat at leisure." -- Larry King

"I smell a brat." -- The parents of the Iowa septuplets

"My kingdom for horse." -- Robert Downey Jr.

"Every clod has a silver lining." -- Mrs. Bill Clinton






Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts

The Difference:
Women have more imagination than men.  They need it to tell us how
wonderful we are.  Women have their faults.  Men have only two;
everything they say and everything they do.  A successful man is one who
makes more money than his wife can spend.  A successful women is one who
can find such a man.

The Style:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.  Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.  When women are depressed they either eat
or go shopping.  Men invade another country.  It's a whole different way
of thinking.  A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a
one-dollar item he wants.  A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar
item that she doesn't want.

The Workplace:
When a man gives his opinion, he's a man.  When a woman gives her
opinion, she's a bitch.  Women are the only exploited group in history
who have been idealized into powerlessness.

Relationships:
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.  Dogs are a man's best friend.  Now
you know which sex is smarter.  Most men's primary fantasy is still,
unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women.  For a man,
commitment means giving up this fantasy.  Most women's primary fantasy
is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or
is on his way to doing so (he has "potential").  For a woman, commitment
to this type of man means achieving this fantasy.  So commitment often 
means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his 
up.  It's not true that men prefer foolish women.  Rather they prefer 
women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the 
very core of intelligence.

Love:
Men always want to be a woman's first love.  Women have a more subtle
instinct: What they like is to be  a man's last romance.  The only way
to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to
understand her.  To women, love is an occupation.  To men, love is a
preoccupation.  To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.  To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.

Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.  A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.  Man marry
because they are tired; women because they are curious.  Both are
disappointed.  A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.  A woman will always cherish the memory of a the man who wanted to
marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he
didn't.  There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.

Husbands:
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.  1) let her
think she is having her own way. 2) let her have her own way.  Married
men live longer than single men but married men are a lot more willing
to die.  Any married man should forget his mistakes - no sense in two
people remembering the same thing.

Wives:
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.  Husbands
are like cars:  all are good the first year.

The Battle:
A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.

On Men:
If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us. 
Men are like animals, but they make great pets.

On Women:
Can you imagine a world without men?  No crime and lots of fat, happy
women.  Women have two weapons:  cosmetics and tears.  Women may be the
only group that grows more radical with age.  God made man before woman
to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts.







An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young
man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair, a pierced nose ring,
and colored eye makeup.
After a few moments, the young man turned to the old guy and said
"What's the matter, Pops, ain't you ever done anything wild?"
The old man smiled and said "Well, yes, I have. I once got drunk
and had sex with a parrot. . . and, I couldn't help wondering if you
might be my son."







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE VAN GOGH FAMILY TREE

     After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist
     Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

     His obnoxious brother                           Please Gogh

     The brother who ate prunes                      Gotta Gogh

     The brother who worked at a convenience store   Stopn Gogh

     The grandfather from Yugoslavia                 U Gogh

     The brother who bleached his clothes white      Hue Gogh

     His dizzy aunt                                  Verti Gogh

     The cousin from Illinois                        Chica Gogh

     His magician uncle                              Wheredidi Gogh

     His Mexican cousin                              Amee Gogh

     The Mexican cousin's American half brother      Grin Gogh

     The nephew who drove a stage coach              Wellsfar Gogh

     The constipated uncle                           Cant Gogh

     The ballroom dancing aunt                       Tan Gogh

     The bird lover uncle                            Flamin Gogh

     His nephew psychoanalyst                        E Gogh

     The fruit loving cousin                         Man Gogh

     An aunt who taught positive thinking            Wayto Gogh

     The little nephew                               Poe Gogh

     A sister who loved disco                        Go Gogh

     And his niece who travels the country in a van  Winniebay Gogh






Mother's New Nursery Rhymes

The nursery rhymes we teach our children are so archaic as to 
appear to be nonsense. The references to animals such as sheep 
and pigs and the obsolete professions such as pipers and kings 
fail to inform modern moochers and moochettes about the one thing 
they need in order to live productive lives: technology. Please 
e-mail this set of updates to your kids ASAP.
-Douglas Crockford
---
Mister Cole has remote control
A remote control has he
He gets CNN
He gets HBO
And he gets his MTV.
Skipping through the dial
All night from dusk to dawn
Grazing four and eighty channels
And still there's nothing on.
---
Hackery dackery duck
The stupid mouse is stuck
It can not pick
And it can not click
Hackery dackery duck.
---
Murray had a big TV
With colors bright as life
And every time he turned it on
He forgot about his wife.
---
Are you beeping? Are you beeping?
Brother Jack? Brother Jack?
Get your pocket pager.
Get your pocket pager.
Call them back.  Call them back.
---
Mary had a cool boombox
The loudest in the town
And everywhere that Mary went
They said to turn it down.







A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach 
about the sin of lying.  To help you understand my sermon, I want 
you all to read Mark 17."
      The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, 
the minister asked for a show of hands.  He wanted to know how 
many had read Mark 17.  Every hand went up.  The minister smiled 
and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.  I will now proceed 
with my sermon on the sin of lying."







Einstein's Speech

    When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's 
circuit,  he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to 
his laboratory  work.  One night as they were driving to yet 
another rubber-chicken  dinner, Einstein mentioned to his 
chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & 
manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

    "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said.  "I've heard you 
give this speech so many times.  I'll bet I could give it for 
you."

    Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

    When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the 
chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room.  The 
chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and 
even answered a few questions expertly.

    Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely 
esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here 
and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was 
nobody's fool.

    Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor 
with a steely stare and said,  "Sir, the answer to that question 
is so simple  that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the 
back, answer it  for me."










In England from an actual trial:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.   
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling 
humiliated on account of her condition.   She changed her seat 
and he seemed more amused.  She moved again and then on her 
fourth move he burst out laughing.   She had him arrested.   When 
the case came before the court this was the man's reply when 
asked why he acted in such a manner:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was 
pregnant.  She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming 
Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read 
"Sloans Liniments remove Swelling".  "I was even more amused when 
she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick 
Did The Trick".   Then I could not control myself any longer when 
on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read 
"Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

He won the case.





Winders

 HOW THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF MICROSOFT HEADQUARTERS WAS IN
ALABAMA...

  1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
  2. Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.
  3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty
     bag and some duct tape.
  4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of  "Ahh-right!", "Naw", or
     "Git" instead of "Yes",  "No", or "Cancel".
  5. Instead of "Ta-da!", the opening sound would be  Dueling Banjos.
  6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
  7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear a digitized
     drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
  8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song  would
     be"Achey-Breaky Heart".
  9. Power Point would be named "ParPawnt".
 10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic"  and "Vishul
     C++".
 11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
 12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
 13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
 14. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
 15. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a = billionaire..."
 16. Flight Simulator would be replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
 17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.




The Parrot

While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing in Wyoming the 
housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They 
hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot 
was found dead in the bottom of it's cage.

The housekeeper set out to find a replacement bird and visited 
nearly every pet store in Washington. After several hours of 
looking, she came across an exact duplicate of the bird. As she 
purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird 
had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for several 
years in a house of ill-repute. The housekeeper said that no one 
would ever know and took the bird back to the White House.

The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea 
walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young."

A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded 
with, "Too old."

That afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said,  
"HI BILL!"




Hand this to your darlin' the next time you decide to spend a day 
or two doing genealogy.
Then go have a good time!

NOTHING TO IT!!!!
(found in a notebook of Grandma's stuff)

Husbands who have been temporarily abandoned by their families ( 
perhaps a genealogist wife) can live a pleasant bachelor 
existence if they adopt certain short cuts.  The following menu 
is not only timesaving and nutritious but practically tasteless 
as well.

Lazy Man's Salad:  One medium-sized head of lettuce and one steak 
knife. Jab knife through center of lettuce and lift onto chilled 
plate. Holding knife handle firmly, remove leaves one by one and 
salt to taste. Eat.

Drowsy Dan Soup.  Allow can of tomato juice to sit at room 
temperature. Using wrist action employed in wedge shot, punch 
hole in top of can. Imbibe.

Mashed Potatoes in Jacket.  Scrub several potatoes and place in 
pan of water on stove.  Test with fork after twenty minutes.  If 
potatoes are still hard it may mean you have forgotten to turn on 
the fire.  Remove potatoes from pan and beat savagely with blunt 
instrument.

Ho-Hum Hamburger Steak.  Place generous patty of hamburger in 
buttered skillet over medium fire.  Finish mowing lawn.  
Hamburger will be ready when smoke curls from kitchen window.  
Salt to taste and serve, but do not eat.  Peanuts may be 
substituted for this course.

Baked Tahiti. Place package of ice cream in broiler.  When steam 
curls from oven dessert is ready.  Drink.

Dishwashing.  Run water over steak knife.  Place skillet in sink 
to soak for three weeks.  Eat out.

author unknown.





An old Coast Guard boilerman dies and goes to hell.  Satan is 
making the rounds, greeting his new arrivals and he comes upon 
the boilerman, who is smiling, looking relaxed and quite 
comfortable.   "Hot enough for you?",  asked Satan.

"Just like a nice spring day in the boiler room", replied the 
boilerman.  

Satan is ticked off.   Everyone is supposed to be miserable.  
After all, this is hell.  So he goes and he turns up the heat.   
After a while, he visits the boilerman and again, he finds him in 
good spirits.

"Hello Satan", said the boilerman,  "it's just like a nice summer 
day in the boiler room isn't it?"

Now old Satan is REALLY livid.  He heads back jabbing lost souls 
with his pitch fork and kicking the crap out of any demon 
crossing his path.  Suddenly, he had an idea.  "So he likes 
heat", thought the Devil, "I'll fix that".   And he proceeds to 
turn the furnaces off.

It takes a while, but pretty soon it's like the arctic (cold as 
hell, so to speak).   Chuckling to himself, he wanders over to 
where the boilerman was doomed to spend eternity.   This time he 
finds him shivering and turning blue, but still grinning.

He sees the devil and says, "So Satan.  I guess the Broncos 
finally won a Super Bowl".




Sports Shorts 

HOCKEY - Don't Fall!
In the early days of hockey, it was a rule that hockey players 
had to remain standing throughout the entire game. If a goalie 
dropped to the ice to block a shot, he was fined two dollars. If 
he did it a second time he received a five minute penalty and was 
fined three dollars. At that rate, most of today's goalies would 
be in the penalty box for the whole game!

GOLF - The Long Ball
The record for the world's longest hole-in-one was established on 
October 7, 1965 at the aptly named Miracle Hills Golf Club in 
Nebraska. On the tenth hole, a 444 yarder, Robert Mittera drove 
the ball towards the hole. As soon as he hit it, a 50-mph gust of 
wind sprang up. The ball landed and rolled 145 yards into the 
cup.

FOOTBALL - Stop!
If there was one coach that demanded discipline, it was Coach 
Earl "Red" Blaik of Army. Everyone knew that you followed his 
orders, or else.  During one game, Army was completely dominating 
the opponent. Blaik did not believe in humiliating the other 
team, so he sent in his third stringers with orders to go easy. 
During one play the other team fumbled the ball. An Army 
defensive player picked up the ball and ran for the endzone 
unopposed.  He then remembered Coach Blaik's orders, stopped, and 
gently put the ball down on the 1-yard line.

BASKETBALL - How Far?
Have you ever wondered how far a basketball player runs in a 
game? Years ago, a coach in Vermont named Ben Peck decided to 
find out. He put pedometers on the feet of his players. The 
result? For the entire game the team ran 24.01 miles, 11.97 in 
the first half and 12.04 in the second.  Amazingly enough, the 
person who ran the farthest was forward Fred Lapham.  He ran 5.31 
miles, while the guards averaged just 2.66 miles each.




Professorial Kissing Definitions

Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways:

Prof. of Algebra:
 kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry:
 kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics:
 kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry:
 kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology:
 kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology:
 kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state
of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry:
 kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy:
 kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics:
 kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics:
 kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of
36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy:
 kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage
for the old.

Prof. of English:
 kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than
proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all

Prof. of Engineering:
 Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.





A man waited until the last minute to buy a birthday gift for his 
daughter.  He rushed to the store and asked the clerk, " What can 
I get for my daughter' s birthday ?".  The clerk said, " Well , 
we have Barbie dolls on sale now.  You can get nurse barbie for 
19.99, or stewardess barbie for 19.99,  doctor barbie for 19.99,  
or teacher barbie for 19.99, and divorce barbie for 260.99 ."

" 260.99 for divorce barbie ! "  the man exclaimed.

" Yes, sir because divorce barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car,
Ken's furniture................"





ANIMALS
   You are in a desert.  You have with you the following five animals:
     A lion,
     cow,
     horse,
     sheep, and a
     monkey.

To escape the desert you are going to have to get rid of one of 
your animals. Which one do you drop? (You can use whatever logic 
you like BUT keep track of which animal is discarded when!) 

You have 4 animals left.


The desert is burning up!  It goes on for miles.  Sand is 
everywhere.  You realize, to get out, you are going to have drop 
another animal.  Which do you drop?  

You have 3 animals left.

Walk, walk, walk.
Hot, hot, hot.


Disaster! 

The Oasis that you were looking for is dried up! You have no 
choice but to drop another animal..... Which do you drop?

You have 2 animals left.

OK, it's a long hot walk.  You can see the edge of the desert way 
on the horizon.  Unfortunately, you can only leave the desert 
with ONE animal.  Which one do you drop and which one do you 
keep?

   Before looking at the answers, make sure you know which animal you
dropped in what order.
\
/
\
/
\
/
\
/
\

   These answers are based on Japanese Archetypes:

   The desert represents a hardship.
   

In the face of hardship, you will sacrifice each of these things 
in turn. Your last animal represents that thing which you cling 
to at the expense of all others.

The animals represent . . .
      Lion =   Pride
      Monkey = Your Children
      Sheep =  friendship
      Cow =    Basic Needs
      Horse =  Your Passion





A fire started on some grasslands near a farm.  The county fire 
department was called to put out the fire.  The fire was more 
than the county fire department could handle.  Someone suggested 
that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.  Despite some doubt that 
the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was 
made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.  They 
rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of 
the flames and stopped!  The firemen jumped off the truck and 
frantically started spraying water in all directions.  Soon they 
had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into 
two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer 
fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been 
spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers 
with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the 
volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the 
funds.  "That ought to be obvious", he responded, wiping ashes 
off his coat.  "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes 
fixed on our fire truck!"




Thinking as a Second Language 

Prank report from a contract employee:

At a Fortune 500 company I took the soap in the kitchen area and put it
in the refrigerator with a sign that said "Do not remove."

It stayed there for the final three weeks of my contract.  I actually
witnessed Individuals taking it out, using it and putting it back.

"Editor's Note:  A variation of this theme would be a sign on the soap
that reads, "Do not use with water."

-----------

A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in 
Blacksburg, VA.  At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. 
The clerk asked for her driver's license.  She presented her West 
Virginia drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way from her 
and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could 
at least use a real state!"  A manager was required to verify 
West Virginia's statehood.

-----------

A report from a 9th grader:

Our school campus has twenty buildings spread over seventy acres. 
There were two soda machines. Recently they added a third 
machine. I overheard the workers arguing where to put the new 
machine.  They decided to put it next to one of the other 
machines because that way people would notice it when buying 
drinks. There was one tiny flaw in that plan.  The two machines 
sold the same drinks, and the new one cost an extra 75 cents.

-----------

When Daylight Savings Time was started on a national basis, I was 
able to convince one Individual that she had to get up at 2 a.m. 
to reset her clocks. To do otherwise would violate federal law.

-----------

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna 
packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna 
packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the cashier and 
mused out loud, "I wonder why?"

She replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

-----------

My previous job was with a clothing manufacturer. Every season we 
would have presentations on the latest fashions from around the 
world. During one of these presentations, our chief designer held 
up a pair of jeans that he had purchased in a trendy boutique in 
London. He told us that they were from a very exclusive designer 
and were about 200 pounds each.

An individual from the audience piped up, "200 pounds? How can a 
pair of jeans weigh that much?!"

-----------

A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with 
an older friend.  The guy at the door asked for my ID.  I gave 
him my driver's license, which of course had my date of birth 
printed on it.  He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to 
get in here."  I replied, "That ID is a few years old."

He looked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh, OK" and let me in.

-----------

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology 
at the poison control center.  Today, this woman called in very 
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.  I 
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there 
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.  She 
calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to 
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in 
order to kill the ants so they wouldn't bite her insides.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

-----------

There's an automotive tire dealer in town with the following 
motto painted in two-foot high letters on the storefronts of 
their several locations:

         "If it's in stock, we've got it!"


-----------


There's a family owned retail grocery outlet around here that 
sports signs which claim the benefits of shopping in their 
stores.  One such read:

     "If We Fail To Save You Money On Your Food Bill, You Get Them Free!"







Answers to questions about love, marriage, and sex from kids ages 
5 to 10.

*What's the right age to get married?
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work 
anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in 
your bedroom." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" 
(Tom, 5)

*What do most people do on a date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that 
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." 
(Mike, 10)

*When is it okay to kiss someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy 
her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos 
of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing 
thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be 
willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." 
(Kally, 9)

*Is it better to be single or married?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need 
somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a 
kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny,7)

*Why does love happen between two people?
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to 
do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so 
popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, 
but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

*What's falling in love like?
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 
9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I 
don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

*Why are looks important?
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your 
family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like 
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine, 9)

*Why do lovers hold hands?
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them." (Dave, 8)

*Opinions about love:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons'
is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been
trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard
enough." (Regina, 10)

*What does it take to be a good lover?
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have
tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

*How do you make someone fall in love with you?
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Della, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

*How can you tell if two people in a restaurant are in love?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's
in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.
Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They
like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on
fire." (Christine, 9)

*What are most people thinking when they say I love you?
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

*How do you learn to kiss?
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of
you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

*When is it okay to kiss someone?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

*How can you make love last?
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take
out the trash." (Randy, 8)







Here's a story from Brill Media -- Dale Gehman via ERI's Kenn Martin:

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: "What's with these guys?  We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper.  Let's have a word with him."

Priest: "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us?  They're rather
slow, aren't they?"

George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.  They lost their
sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

Priest: "That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea.  And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and
see if there's anything he can do for them."

Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"







 A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
 the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He
 thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit, 
 9 iron." the man looks around but doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit, 9 iron".

 He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his
 other club away and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the
 cup.

 He is shocked. He says to the grog. "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a
 lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, lucky frog." The man decides
 to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?"
 the man asks. "Ribbit, 2 wood.

 The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled
 and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the
 best game of golf in his life and asks the frog. "OK, where to next?"
 the frog replies, "Ribbit, Las Vegas."

 They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
 says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man
 asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit,
 $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the
 golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding
 back across the table.

 The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits
 the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've
 won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies,
 "Ribbit, kiss me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for
 him, he deserves it.

 With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year-old girl. "And
 that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."







 **************************************************
 Sven and Olie
 
Olie died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed
someone to I.D. the body. So his 2 friends, Sven and Lars, went down
to try and I.D. the body. Sven went in and the mortician pulled back the
sheet and Sven said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Sven looked at his ass and said
"No, dat ain't Olie."

The mortician didn't say anything but thought that was kind of
strange.

Then he brought Lars to I.D. the body and Lars took a look at him and
said "Yaa, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled
him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie."

The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well, Olie had 2
assholes."

"What? He had 2 assholes?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town
knew he had 2 assholes. Every time the three of us went to town
everyone would say "Here comes Olie with them 2 assholes!"








For those of you traveling... 
 
    18 Ways To Annoy The Person Sitting Next To You On a Flight 
 
  1. Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection 
  Program too?" 
 
  2. Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms 
  were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that 
  peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile. 
 
  3. Call the stewardess "nurse". 

  4. Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into 
  a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I 
  was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall 
  still be ours...." 
 
  5. Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!" 
 
  6. Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice 
  weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather." 
 
  7. Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that 
  never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people 
  started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue 
  singing it forever justbecause, this is the song that never 
  ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become 
  very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it 
  to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash 
  around in the seat. Never stop singing. 
 
  8. Continually offer to share your "Beano". 
 
  9. Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a 
  "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of 
  you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea. 
 
 10. Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the 
  pilot would mind going back so you can check. 
 
 11. Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on 
 your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return 
 key a few times. Yell out "Yes! All right! I told them I didn't 
 need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.
 
 12. Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, 
 construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft 
 likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F". 
 
 13. There is no 13. Some think it is an unlucky number. Try taking 
 a bus instead and annoy the passengers there. 
 
 14. Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album 
 and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your 
 jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that 
 when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," 
 while smiling maniacally. 
 
 15. Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much 
 clearer up here...." 
 
 16. Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person 
 "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are 
 from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," 
 such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced
 to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced. 
 
 17. Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every 
 single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all 
 incorrectly. "? My, you have a very irate home,' she said
 governessly." 
 
 18. Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and 
 exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?" 




************************************

  Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungie Jumping tower in Cabo San
 Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money.  After they
 got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but
 nobody was buying tickets.

 Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they
 get the idea."

 After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground
 before springing back.  As he came back up Zeke noticed that his
 clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down
 again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was
 bleeding.

 Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."

 Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke
 noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.

 Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"

 Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??"

************************************

How To Tell Republicans From Democrats:

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate. 
Republicans wear theirs.

Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures,
politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their 
parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any

reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.

Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry Republican
girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the
plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. That is
why
there are more Democrats.

**********

Politics:  It all really just boils down to this: ISSUES:

Criminals:
Democrats:  Give them a second chance.
Republicans:  Give them the swift sword of death.*

The poor:
Democrats:  Give them some food.
Republicans:  Give them the swift sword of death.*

Endangered species:
Democrats:  Give them protection.
Republicans:  Give them the swift sword of death.*

Dictators:
Democrats:  Give them a way out.
Republicans:  Give them the swift sword of death.*

The uninsured:
Democrats:  Give them health care.
Republicans:  Give them the swift sword of death.*

*The cost:
Democrats:  $9,000,000,000,000,000,000
Republicans:  $29.95 (cost of one sword)
=======================






Jokes of the Year

Sid and Sadie, both widowed, have just gotten married.   Sid is 
86 and Sadie is 77.   "Sid," Sadie calls out sweetly. "Sid, come  
upstairs and make love to me."  "Sorry, I can only do one or the 
other."

 ***************************

A duck walks into a store and asks the guy behind the counter  
for duck  food.   "Don't have any duck food. Just dog food and 
cat food."  "Okay, thanks," the duck says, and leaves.   The next 
day the duck comes back. "Got any duck food?" he asks.   "I told 
you -- only dog food and cat food."  "Okay, thanks."  The next 
day the duck shows up again, asking for duck food.   Now the man 
behind the counter is annoyed.  "I've told you for three days  
running, we don't carry duck food."   "Okay, thanks."   The 
fourth day, here comes the duck. "I'm looking for the duck  food  
section."  The counterman blows his stack. "You come in here one 
more time and ask  for duck food, and I'll nail your webbed feet 
to the floor. You got that?"  "Okay, thanks."  Next day the duck 
shows up again.   "What do you want?" the counterman asks 
threateningly.   "Um, got any nails?" the duck says.   "No, no 
nails."  "Okay, got any duck food?"

 *************************

An elderly man walks into church to make confession.

"Father, I'm 80 years old," he says. "I'm married, I have four 
children  and 11 grandchildren. And last night, I made love to 
two 25-year-old  women. Twice."   The priest asks, "When was the 
last time you made confession?"  "Never," the man responds. "I'm 
Jewish."  "So why are you telling me this?" the priest says.   
And the man says, proudly, "I'm telling everybody!"

 **************************

The doorbell rings. Guy goes to answer it. He sees a snail on the  
doorstep. He picks up the snail and flings it as far away as he 
can.   Two years pass. The doorbell rings again. Guy comes to the 
door.   It's the snail again. The snail says, "What was that 
about?"

 *********

 There are three kinds of people in the world.
 Those who can count, and those who can't.

 *******************

An old man is walking through a mall, distraught that his 
marriage has  lost its zip. He stops at a  lingerie store and 
tells the saleswoman, "I want something to put the  sparkle back 
in my marriage."

The saleswoman picks out a sexy negligee, and the old man  goes 
home and  gives it to his wife. As she opens the package she 
exclaims, "Oh, honey,  this is lovely!" But meanwhile she is 
thinking to herself: "What's with  this man?   We haven't had sex 
in years."

That night, the man asks his wife to put on her new negligee.

She goes into the bathroom, and as she puts it on she sees it  is 
far too  small. She thinks:  "His eyesight is not too good -- 
I'll come out naked and he'll never be  able to tell. I'll get   
into bed, he'll put his arm around me and fall asleep as usual." 

She walks out naked.

Her husband stares at her intently, and finally says, "For what I 
paid for  that, you'd think they  would have pressed it first."

 *********************

Guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda for himself, a 
scotch and  soda for everyone in the bar, "and while you're at  
it, barkeep, pour one  for yourself."

This goes on all night. Finally, the bartender hands the man a  
sizable  bill -- and the man says, "Sorry, I don't happen to have 
any money."

The bartender leaps over the bar and pounds the guy like veal, 
sending him  to the hospital.

One year to the day later, the same guy appears at the same bar, 
with the  same bartender and the same clientele.

"I'll have a scotch and soda," he says.

"Oh, yeah?" the bartender says. "And I suppose you want me to set 
one up  for everybody in the bar, too?"

"Now that you mention it, sure."

"And I suppose you want me to fix one for myself too?"

"Not you. You're a nasty drunk."

 **********

Guy goes into a bar in Dublin and orders three pints.

"I'll gladly bring you one at a time if you'd like," the bartender says.

"No," the man says. "I want three at the same time. You see, one 
of my brothers is in America and one is in Australia, and  they 
can't be here  with me. I miss them very much, and I feel if I do 
it this way, I'm  drinking with my brothers."

This goes on every day for three years, until one day the man 
comes in and  orders just two pints.

The bartender delivers the pints to the man's table, and says 
softly, "I'm  sorry for your loss."

The man looks up and says, "Oh, no, my brothers are fine. But  
I've quit  drinking."








A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the 
obituary for  her recently deceased husband is written. The 
obituary Editor informs her  that the fee for the obituary is 50 
cents a word. She pauses, reflects, and  then says, "Well then, 
let it read, *Fred Johnson died.*" Amused at the  woman's thrift, 
the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all  
obituaries.

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few 
seconds says,  "In that case, let it read, 
'Fred Johnson died: 1983 Pickup for sale.'"







A Great Loss

There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man 
who wrote  the song "Hokey Pokey" died.

What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the 
body in the  casket.

They'd put his left leg in and.....well, you know the rest.

 ****************

A little boy opened the big old family Bible and with 
fascination, he looked  at the old pages as he turned them.  Then 
something fell out of the Bible  and he picked it up and looked 
at it closely.  It was an old leaf from a  tree that had been 
pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found,"  the 
boy called out. "What have you got there?" his mother asked. With  
astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:  "It's Adam's  
suit!"





Cookies for your error trap routines:

--"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 
--(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? 
--(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? 
--(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic 
--(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)hrowup 
--...File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 
--11th commandment: Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. 
--2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! 
--<-------- The information went data way -------- 
--A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. 
--A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. 
--Access denied---nah nah na nah nah! 
--All computers wait at the same speed. 
--All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? 
--An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. 
--As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 
--ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! 
--Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay... 
--BATCH: A group, kinda like a herd. 
--Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression 
--BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding 
--BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! 
--Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 
--C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 
--C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL 
--C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN 
--Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. 
--COFFEE.EXE Missing---Insert Cup and Press Any Key. 
--Computer hackers do it all night long. 
--Computer modelers simulate it first. 
--Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit. 
--Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. 
--Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 
--Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. 
--CONGRESS.SYS corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)? 
--DEFINITION: Computer---A device designed to speed and automate errors. 
--Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. 
--Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer. 
--Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad... 
--DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS 
--E Pluribus Modem 
--E-mail returned to sender---insufficient voltage. 
--Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... 
--Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 
--Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 
--Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny 
--Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. 
--Help! I'm modeming...and I can't hang up!!! 
--Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS 
--Hit any user to continue. 
--I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! 
--If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. 
--My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. 
--Press <CTRL-<ALT-<DEL to continue... 
--Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... 
--Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 
--Programmer: A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. 
--Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. 
--RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure. 
--Read my chips: No new upgrades! 
--Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. 
--REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
--SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . 
--Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... 
--Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... 
--Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) 
--Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_|" 
--SQWERTY: Computer keyboard sized down for use by children. 
--SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING. 
--The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord. 
--The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. 
--The name is Baud......, James Baud. 
--Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. 
--Who is General Failure & why is he reading my disk? 
--Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" 
--Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? 
--Windows: Just another pane in the glass. 
--XMODEM: A spot-marking transfer protocol. 
--YTERM: A terminal program for queries. 









Computer Opcodes

             TTITT   Turn 2400 foot tape Into Two 1200 foot tapes
             SEX     Sign EXtend
             CRUEL   CRash Until Everyone Leaves
             SSM     Set Sado-Masochistic CPU mode ON
             WWLR    Write Wrong Length Record
             WWR     Write Wrong Record
             AWP     Argue With Programmer
             CPWM    CPU - Weird Mode
             SUR     Screw Up Royally
             CUC     Cheat Until Caught
             SUP     Solve Unsolvable Problem
             SHRT    SHRed Tape
             CSYS    Crash SYStem
             CSNIO   Crash System on Next I/O
             TST     Trash System Tracks
             CS      Crash System
             WSE     Write Stack Everywhere
             FSM     Fold, Spindle and Mutilate
             FSRA    Forms Skip and Run Away
             ESB     Eject Selectric Ball
                      from IBM selectric typewriter terminals~
             BSC     Burst Selector Channel
             SRDR    Shift Right, Double Ridiculous
             DIRFW   Do It Right For Once
             ERM     Erase Reserved Memory
             SRR     Shift Registers Random
             AR      Alter Reality
             EROS    Erase Read Only Storage
                      Sounds like an IBM special!
             EROM    Erase Read Only Memory
             CRM     Clear Random Memory
             ERIC    Eject Random Integrated Circuit
             CSD     Cough, Sputter, and Die
             EP      Eat Pizza
             EPI     Eat Pizza Immediate
             BF      Belch Fire
             FOPC    USet~ False Out-of-paper Condition
             PEHC    Punch Extra Holes in Cards
             EEP     Erase Entire Program
             DDC     Daily During Calculations
             PAUD    PAUse Dramatically
             BDC     Break Down and Cry
             EJDV    EJect Disk with initial velocity V
             SDC     Spool Disk to Console
             ED      Eject Disk
             PD      Punch Disk
             FLD     FLing Disc
             SDE     Solve Differential Equations
             TDS     Trash Data Segment
             EDIT    Erase Data and Increment Time
             CCD     Clear Current Directory Uthis may really exist!~
             WC      Waste Core UUNIX~
             CCCI    Clear Condition-Codes Indefinitely
             DCWPDGD Drink Coffee, Write Program, Debug, Get Drunk
             SCCA    Short Circuit on Correct Answer
             EC      Eject Carriage
             ECL     Early Care Lace
             PCI     Pleat Cards Immediate
             SCI     Shred Cards Immediate
             SC      Shred Cards
             SCTR    Stick Card To Reader
             ECP     Erase Card Punch
             SHRC    SHRed Card
             MBTD    Mount Beatles on Tape Drive
             PBPBPBP Place Backup in Plain Brown Paper Bag, Please
                      Ufor stealing code~






The Cannonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes

Q: How  many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change
   a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information.  Answer available from
   Western Electric Corp. on payment of license fee
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him
   to get it done.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor?  Gag me with a spoon!
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
   One to write the light bulb removal program,
   one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
   one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
   nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
   Notes:  1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen.  The
   true Zen answer is Four.  One to change the bulb.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song
   about how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
   bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when its ready.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number
   GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System
   Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page
   intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are
   of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank
   characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a
   light bulb?
A:  Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!