Okay, you wilderness bunnies, this one is for you. These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips: "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call." "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections." "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness." "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands." "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals." "All the mile markers are missing this year." "Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse." "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill." "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests." "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter." "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them." "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals." "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights." "Need more signs to keep area pristine." "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead." "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked." "Too many rocks in the mountains." Grand Rapids, MI A local man had just bought a new Ford Explorer and, in one of those male-bonding rituals, decided to do a winter duck hunting expedition with his buddies. So they loaded the dog, the guns, the decoys, the beer, etc. into the vehicle and headed out to a nearby lake. It is common practice in Michigan to drive your vehicle out onto the frozen lake. Further, it is common (if slightly illegal) to make a hole in the ice for your decoys by using dynamite. The young man had a stick of dynamite, but it had a short fuse - 20 seconds. Since it is not a good idea to light the fuse, then drop the dynamite and run (after all, you could slip & fall on the ice), he decided to throw it instead. Sounds like the thing to do. Trouble is, after he tosses the stick of dynamite, the dog chases after it, picks it up and starts to bring it back, just like he's been taught. The men scream at the dog to drop the (lit) dynamite, to no avail. Finally, in desperation, one of the men grabs his shotgun and fires at the dog. Since the gun was loaded with bird shot, the dog was not so much hurt as confused, so he ran and crawled under the vehicle with the dynamite in his mouth. Needless to say, the new Explorer is at the bottom of the lake, the insurance company refuses to pay because it was an illegal use of explosives, the first payment is due at the end of the month, and there are 47 more payments to follow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TODDLER MIRACLE DIET Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with diaticians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor ... otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck! DAY ONE --- Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO --- Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape kool-aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE --- Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. FINAL DAY --- Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert. Subject: FW: Dr. Seuss Tech Manual What if Dr. Seuss wrote Computer Tech Manuals? If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash. If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a consultant, this sucker's gonna hang! Here's another: When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom! =====[ G O O D M O R N I N ' H U M O U R ?========== "Bad sex?" There was an old-married couple swinging on their porch. They swung for a while, then suddenly the old woman punched her husband as hard as she could. He went flying down the porch steps. He got up, dusted himself off and said,"What the hell was that for?!" "That was for 50 years of bad sex!" was her reply. He sat down and they swung a little bit more. Then suddenly the old man punched his wife as hard as he could. She got up, dusted herself off, and asked, "What the hell was that for?!" Came the reply: "That's for knowing the difference!" ===[ G O O D M O R N I N ' H U M O U R?=========== "Gray Hair" A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits. Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!" ==[ G O O D M O R N I N ' H U M O U R ? ]=========== A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!!" ==[ G O O D M O R N I N ' H U M O U R ? ]=========== "The 50th Anniversary" An elderly couple decide to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude. The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!" To which he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!" Subject: Humor - Ned Reck Yoke A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops to entertainin a bar in Arkansas. He's going through his usual "Stupid redneck" jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smartass hillbilly jokes, we ain't all stupid here in Arkansas." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smartass little fella on your knee!" A young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997, Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world, and it costs around $100,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. They cost $100,000. "That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right! Oh by the way--" Just then, the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by and passes him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh... BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man hits the brakes and jumps out. It is the old man!!! Of course, both he and his moped are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!!!" ---------- Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding) There is no such thing as child-proofing your house If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite A 4 years olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded resturant If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room Baseballs make marks on ceilings You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old Duplos will not Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence Super glue is forever McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know... Ditto Tarzan No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water Pool filters do not like Jello VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do Garbage bags do not make good parachutes Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving You probably do not want to know what that odor is Always look in the oven before you turn it on Plastic toys do not like ovens The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy It will however make cats dizzy Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunly, mostly in retrospect) ---------- KOROLYOV, RUSSIA-U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly excited about the Mir space station project, which promises to reveal more than has ever been known about the scientific relationship between weightlessness and mortal terror. "By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space station with faulty wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems," NASA head Daniel Goldin said, "we have created extremely favorable conditions for learning about spaceborne panic." The two Russians and one American on board the station are reportedly terrified beyond lucidity. Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board Mir: a June 25 collision with a cargo craft that depressurized the Spektr module; last week's emergency power shortage, caused by a disconnected cable; and the periodic release of "dry ice" steam that simulates a shipboard fire. All have been deemed a huge success by agency heads. "They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term 'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives," Russian mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used the hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the window yet." "We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the patterns created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of space," Solovyov said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding sphere, something we did not expect." Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale told ABC News reporters: "Where is Mommy?" "Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian cosmonaut Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to the chaotic government and widespread hunger of my homeland." Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an experiment at 3 a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling red siren lights will flood the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm jolts them awake. Detailed scientific data will then be collected on such variables as open weeping, defecation and hair loss. Things I just knew you were dying to know: 1. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. 2. In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not renumber the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1. 3. The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. 4. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed." 5. The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate. 6. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. 7. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." 8. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. 9. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. 10. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead". 11. Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head." 12. Camel's milk does not curdle. 13. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. 14. An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. 15. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. 16. The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. 17. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan. 18. All porcupines float in water. 19. "Hang On Sloopy" is the official rock song of Ohio. 20. Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ? 21. Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom." 22. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. 23. If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town. 24. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. 25. Non-dairy creamer is flammable. 26. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.) 27. Texas is the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. 28. The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan. 29. Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence. 30. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror. 31. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office97, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2, it gets 1.4999999999. Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, we believed it and that was good enough for us. Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it. Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was. The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads. Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?" Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Colonel Sanders: I missed one? Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? The Sphinx: You tell me. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why it cross it, I've not been told! A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow." So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow. ---------------------------------------- A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, everyone of the children were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of this mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!" Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client." I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. -how are you feeling?" A man is jogging in the park when he comes across a 98 year old man weeping on a park bench. The jogger stops to see if he is ok. The old man replies, "Life couldn't be better. I'm living with a nineteen year old nymphomaniac. In the morning when I wake up we have sex. Then she brings me breakfast in bed. After breakfast we have sex again and I have my mid-morning nap. We normally eat out for lunch at a nice restaurant and back into bed for "afters." I spend the afternoon watching sports or old movies before she cooks me dinner. Did I mention she is a fully qualified chef? After dinner we have sex again and I finally collapse in bed exhausted for a restful nights sleep." Surprised, the jogger says, "That's my idea of bliss! Why are you so upset?" Through his tears the old man weeps, "I can't remember where I live!" ************************************* Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A cop pulled over an elderly motorist on the freeway. "Say, mister," said the cop. "Did you know your wife fell out of your car about five miles back?" "Oh, my God! What a relief!", the old guy exclaimed. "I was afraid I'd gone deaf!" Truth is questionable on this story Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene. According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain. Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries. "So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton. Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MI-ASS) This memo is to announce the development of a new plant-wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS). Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS. I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS" This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS". ---------------------------------------- CRIMINAL INTELLIGENCE??? If experience is the best teacher, these criminals need more experience. These true stories were gleaned from police records across the country.... LICENSE TO STEAL Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper. IN THE BAG A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag. MADE FOR TV Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail. DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS? A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years. YOU MEAN ME? A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify. THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom. LEARN YOUR LESSON When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam,I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times." AHH, THAT'S BETTER! A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years. OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE! A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. Pearly Gates Entrance Exam The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest." "But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? and Third, what is God's first name?" Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions. Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forest says, "Well, the first one, - how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy---that'd be Today and Tomorrow!" The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds are there in a year?" Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says, "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second..." "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. But I will give you credit for that one too." "Let's go on with the next and final question, can you tell me God's first name?" Forest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name, everybody knows that it's Howard." "Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?" Forest answers, "It's in the prayer." "The prayer, which prayer?" asks Saint Peter. "The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..." ----------------------------------------- A little boy wanted $100 badly and he prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD-USA, they decided to to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington and as usual, those jerks deducted $95. Love, Tommy --------------------------------- New Reasons for Not Going to Work I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. My stigmata's acting up. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.... I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. I prefer to remain an enigma. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says, "What exactly do you think you're doing?" Is this a trick question? Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest home-improvement centre, where you will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide the type of curtain rod that's right for you. How does this work? It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no right answer. Here's a common example. "DO I LOOK FAT?" There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn+t matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other options are worse. There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off. Consult this handy chart: JUST SAY NO Is there someone else? Do you still fantasise about her? Are you tired of me? JUST SAY YES Do you still love me? Do you ever fantasise about me? Do you like my hair this way? Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one: "WHICH SHOES LOOK BETTER?" Typically you're already late for dinner when your girlfriend confronts you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of choice that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, "Whichever, you old trout!" If you pick the shoes she already has on, she'll think you're trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she'll think it's because you know you can't pick the ones she has on. Some men try a non-linear approach and opt for a third, unoffered pair of shoes, but this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgement or an opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another dress. You might as well say, "You're fat." This raises the question of why she's asking you at all. She knows you don't know which shoes look better, and she knows you don't care, so why is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. As part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult you about alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a disdainful and dismissive "beats me" should do the trick, but don't try that with the shoe dilemma, or you'll miss your reservation. Instead, suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better after all. "WHERE DO YOU SEE THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING?" This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or "upstairs" or "I dunno". Another problem is that you and your girlfriend are operating at cross-purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves, i.e. questions that should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation. HER: Where do you see this relationship going? YOU: Where do you see this relationship going? HER: Do you think she's attractive? YOU: Who? HER: Will you marry me? YOU: Where am I? HER: What if I were pregnant? YOU: Are you pregnant? HER: Why? Do I look fat? Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that coming. Try a more surreal approach: HER: What if I were pregnant? YOU: What if I were pregnant? At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love gotta do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is not one of these.) Let's try a math question. "HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH?" Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more than 12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less expecting. Like most arithmetic problems, the answer is a lot easier once you have a formula. This one should work as long as neither of you has sex for a living. Take the number of people she's slept with + Number of people she knows you've slept with + Number of people you actually have slept with. Add these up and divide by 2. If you round up to the nearest whole person, you should end up with a realistically healthy but not particularly shocking number. If the result is greater than 12, then say 12. Let's move on. "WHY DON'T YOU LIGHTEN UP?" This rhetorical gem is used whenever you express your disapproval of shoplifting or speeding, or whenever you go to a nightclub and spend the whole time complaining because the music is too loud and there aren't any chairs. There's no good answer to this one. You could draw attention to her inconsistency in this matter, noting that she doesn't like it when you act like a kid or when you act like your dad; then again, if you do that, she's liable to see your point and break up with you. Speaking of breaking up, how about this one..... "ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO END IT?" Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is, when a woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even if you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question back on her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be. If you are trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the whole painful process again. If you aren't trying to break up with her, then it's best to change the subject. Let's try something easier. "NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?" Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others: "Have you forgotten what today is?" and "Have you been listening to a word I've said?" Apart from being questions that are easier to answer wrong than right, they're the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They are best treated in an ironic post-modern context; ie, just say what Ward Cleaver would say. HER: Notice anything different about me? YOU: New apron? HER: Have you forgotten what today is? YOU: Of course not. It's Thursday. HER: Have you been listening to a word I've said? YOU: That's nice, dear... Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better questions. Questions such as: "HAVE YOU TAKEN A LOOK AT YOURSELF LATELY?" This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do you think you are?", are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You're not really supposed to answer either of these questions. You're just supposed to apologise for your wanton self-esteem-having. Instead of apologising, just smile. Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a kind of revenge all by themselves. Next! "DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIDELITY?" Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue, this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer: YOU SAY - Yes YOU MEAN - How much does she know? SHE THINKS - He's hiding something YOU SAY - It depends YOU MEAN - How much does she know? SHE THINKS - I knew it! YOU SAY - Why do you ask YOU MEAN - How much does she know? SHE THINKS - Bastard! YOU SAY - I dunno. Do you? YOU MEAN - How much does she know? SHE THINKS - How much does he know? There are several more variations, but they're not worth going into. By the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep trouble. It doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't blush when you answer. Let's look at an example that calls for more straight forward lying. "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?" And you thought you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you've found somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught off-guard, their ability to deceive is impaired. Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked "What are you looking at?" TOO SPECIFIC: "The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of that mailbox on the northwest corner". NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH: "That thing." TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: "A diamond necklace in that window back there that would be perfect on you". TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD: "A see-through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you." TOO OBVIOUS: "Nothing." WAY TOO OBVIOUS: "That blonde babe over there with the big...I mean nothing." Here's one that requires a little interpretation. "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?" This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the mysterious "we" in the middle. This means two things: in one sense, "we" clearly means "you" - as in, "What are you going to do now"; but there is also a sense of "we're in this together" implying that you bear equal responsibility for the fact that she's just dropped her keys down a grate, or that she stores her jack and spare tire in her garage so they won't get stolen. In such situations you'll probably find that the only answer to "What are we going to do now?" that you can think of is "We are going to break up. Good-bye." Most likely you'll decide not to say anything. After which she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised: "WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?" Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, cower behind your Fifth Amendment rights, pretend you didn't hear, run away, whatever, but don't say anything when she asks: "SHOULD I GET ALL OF MY HAIR CUT OFF?" If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say: Does it make me look fat? You're on your own. <