From: IN%"kennedy@cunixc.cc.columbia.edu" "Terry Kennedy" 11-SEP-1989 01:11:06.68 To: _TERRY CC: Subj: humor.1 Received: from JNET-DAEMON by SPCVXA.BITNET; Mon, 11 Sep 89 01:10 EDT Received: From CUVMA(MAILER) by SPCVXA with Jnet id 1673 for TERRY@SPCVXA; Mon, 11 Sep 89 01:10 EDT Received: from CUVMB by CUVMB.COLUMBIA.EDU (Mailer R2.03B) with BSMTP id 0464; Mon, 11 Sep 89 00:54:03 EDT Received: from cunixc.cc.columbia.edu by CUVMB.COLUMBIA.EDU (IBM VM SMTP R1.2.1) with TCP; Mon, 11 Sep 89 00:53:58 EDT Received: by cunixc.cc.columbia.edu (5.59/FCB) id AA09007; Mon, 11 Sep 89 00:55:24 EDT Date: Mon, 11 Sep 89 0:55:23 EDT From: Terry Kennedy Subject: humor.1 To: terry@SPCVXA.BITNET Message-Id: From c199-ad@cory.Berkeley.EDU Sun Jun 12 23:22:09 1988 From: c199-ad@cory.Berkeley.EDU (Tom Newcomb) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Another compendium of history Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, funny Date: 13 Jun 88 04:22:09 GMT Organization: University of California, Berkeley [There are a lot of these around. I wonder if they actually come from essays or people make them up. Anyway, this one isn't bad. - Ed] Those who forget history--and the English language--may be condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five- year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students' more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narra- tive from the Middle Ages to the present. During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged. Church and state were co-operated. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared. Those roamed from town to town exposing them- selves and organizing big fairies in the countryside. The Crusades were expeditions by Christians who were seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams. In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of ycowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. The plague also helped the emergence of English as the national language of England, France, and Italy. The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renesance bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educa- ted. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaisance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike. The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented that tithes were going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. The popes were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reori- entation mutation. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century. After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe that would include Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus surrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years. Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia, the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people; orthodox priests became government antennae. The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious tolerance slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution catapaulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrain- ed. History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment. A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Culture formented from its tip to its top. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and when he died they labeled his seat "historical." World War I broke out about 1912-1914. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by General Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted Russia. Germany was displaced after WW1. This gave rise to Hitler, who remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France. Mooscalini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces. The last stage is us. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Tom Newcomb -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . One joke per submission, with descriptive "Subject:" and no form feeds, please! Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. From csdq122@emx.UTEXAS.EDU Thu Dec 1 21:59:36 1988 Flags: 000000000001 Received: from emx.utexas.edu by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22) id AA22352; Thu, 1 Dec 88 21:59:34 CST Date: Thu, 1 Dec 88 22:00:50 CST From: csdq122@emx.UTEXAS.EDU (The Man with No Name) Posted-Date: Thu, 1 Dec 88 22:00:50 CST Message-Id: <8812020400.AA02767@emx.utexas.edu> Received: by emx.utexas.edu (5.54/5.51) id AA02767; Thu, 1 Dec 88 22:00:50 CST To: werner@rascal.ics.UTEXAS.EDU Subject: Lawyer jokes Cc: padraig@astro.as.UTEXAS.EDU, tyen@walt.cc.UTEXAS.EDU Q & A form jokes Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: No. Good! Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? A: The bucket. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetary Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties? A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins. Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. ---- Longer Jokes: ---- A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" ----- A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?" ----- A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" ----- A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" ---- A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them." ----- A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow." ----- "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question." ---------- The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!" ----- Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole." ----- "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. ----- A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" ------ Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." ---------- A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" ----- The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting. ---- These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". ---- For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." ----- God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" ----- Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. ---------- A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" ----- An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?" ----- At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings." ---- A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" ---------- It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?" ---------- A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it... -------- A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. ---------- Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." -------- WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS ********************************************************************** 1300.01 GENERAL 1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. BAG LIMITS 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4 4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3 5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT 7. Cut-throat 2 8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2 9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY 11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7 -------- Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde, _The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book_. Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95). ------------------------- cut here and insert in wallet -------------------- Ben Dover And C. Howlett Fields Attorneys At Law --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell." ---------------------------------------------------- When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. ---------------------------------------------------- It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. ---------------------------------------------------- A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." ---------------------------------------------------- There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow. ---------------------------------------------------- If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there. ---------- Legal business card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law ---------- A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ...Benjamin Franklin. ---------- THE TRAGIC TALE OF OLD MacDONALD'S FARM A Personnel Saga by A. Mouse, Non-E (1 ea.) (as told to L. D. Manning) Once upon a time a Personnel Officer retired and, with the University's moderate pension plan, bought a Farm and moved his Family (Wife, household duties preferred, and Daughter, in-progress Education preferred) to the country to taste rural life. Old MacDonald (for that was his name) promptly bought livestock, labelled them appropriately according to their Job Descriptions, and recorded them all in a notebook, listing Job Title, Job Description, Estimated Annual Salary (Base, Full-time rate, nearest whole dollar amount), and preferred Job Qualifications. In addition, Old MacDonald planted crops, all appropriately labelled, (Celery, green, average stalk length 12", annual), and settled down to enjoy his retirement. One day a young man visited the Farm and introduced himself as the County Agent (Agent, Agricultural products, governmental). Old MacDonald gladly showed the young man around the Farm, displaying his handiwork. "This is my Annual Celery," he proudly announced, as they approached the garden. "Annual Celery?" the young man muttered. "Yes, and this is my Bovine Animal; four-legged, tan-and-white spotted, preferred." "But that's a Guernsey milk cow!" The young man obviously seemed distressed about something, but Old MacDonald couldn't understand what it could be. "And this is my Cow; large size, hump and brown color preferred." The young man had turned a peculiar color, but all he said was, "A Brahma bull! I wonder how he got the sign around his neck." The young man also seemed peculiarly distressed upon seeing that the Rooster was penned alone, with his beak taped shut, even after Old MacDonald explained that he had had to resort to these measures because the Rooster had been putting in unauthorized overtime in the hen house, and crowing at dawn. He simply WOULD NOT keep the required 8 to 5 hours (lunch from 12 noon to 1 pm only). The tour of the farm was soon over. Old MacDonald did not understand the young man's attitude. His records were immaculate. Every animal exactly fit its Job Description, and each one was correctly Titled and Labelled with a neat sign hung around its neck. Soon afterwards, Old MacDonald decided that now that the Farm records were in order, he should do the same to the personnel in his household. He, of course, was Personnel Officer. His wife, however, had been doing many different chores which were not in her Job Description. This, of course, would NOT DO. He promptly notified her that she would henceforth be Procurement Officer and would be in charge of buying and selling all items on the farm. Since his Wife was not thrilled at the added duties in her already busy schedule, Old MacDonald promised that she could keep all monies made on butter and eggs. That very afternoon a young man came to the farm asking to buy a milk cow. He had talked to the County Agent and had learned that Old MacDonald had one. His wife had just had twin girls and they needed the milk badly. Old MacDonald assured him that he had no Milk Cow. He had a Cow, a Bovine Animal, and a Calf, but no Milk Cow. This young man turned a peculiar color also. (What were young men coming to these days?) "But that IS a milk cow!" The young man pointed to the Bovine Animal. "Oh, no. That is a Bovine Animal. The fact that she gives milk is immaterial. She was hired as a Bovine Animal. She has had no Experience at being a Milk Cow." "Well, I'll buy her anyway. I need the milk. How much do you want for her?" "Oh, I couldn't let this poor creature apply for the Job Title of Milk Cow. As I have said, she has had not Experience in the field. She could, of course, be Reclassified, but that will take some time." "What do I have to do to have her reclassified?" The young man was not taking this at all well. He looked ill. "Well, you would have to submit a request in quintuplicate to the Personnel Officer (that's me), then fill out a questionnaire listing (1) why the current Job Title does not currently suit the duties of the Job Holder, (2) why the needs of the Employer have changed with respect to the said Job Title, (3) why this Job Holder was not hired at the new Job Title in the original request when s/he was originally hired, and (4) what qualifications and/or Experience qualify this candidate for the new Job Title. Then I will, of course, review your case, and objectively come to a decision. I am, of course, an Equal Opportunity Employer, and belong to EIEIO -- the Equality In Employment for Interstate Opportunities Commission." "How long will that take?" "Oh, about three weeks. Of course, I am rather busy right now -- harvest time coming up and all (all those new plants to Title and Label!) -- so it could take longer than that." The young man gave up and bought a milk cow (generic, no Job Title) from Farmer Jones next door. That evening, Old MacDonald happily returned home to the Procurement Officer and his Daughter, secure in the knowledge that all of his Farmyard Staff and his Family were appropriately Titled and Labelled. He was somewhat surprised to note upon his return, however, that the house was a mess and there was no dinner waiting for him when he arrived. "Wife," he complained. "Why are you not performing your Wifely duties? I am hungry, and for the first time in 32 years, this house is a mess. What is wrong with you? Are you ill?" "I see that you are looking in my direction when you ask these questions, but I am the Procurement Officer, not a Wife," replied his (former) Wife. "My Job Description does not include household duties." "Hmmm. That is true." Old MacDonald had not planned on this problem. "Well, I will simply give you back your old Title as well." "Oh, no." The Procurement Officer was adamant. "Only one Job Title per employee." Yes, of course. How could he have forgotten after so many years? "Well, then, I will give you back your old Title and do the Purchasing and Vouchering myself." "Oh, no. I make more money as a Procurement Officer than I did as a Wife. That would be a Demotion (A Very Serious Matter). Besides, I am not allowed to change Job Titles within the Farm for six months after I have once changed Job Titles. No. I am Procurement Officer, and that is that." Old MacDonald couldn't argue with that logic, so he fixed himself an Old MacDonald's hamburger and went to bed. The next day Mr. Jones of the neighboring farm came by and asked to see the Personnel List. Old MacDonald was only happy to oblige, since all of his records were open to the Public. Mr. Jones noted a "Bovine Animal," a "Calf," a "Cow," and a "Moo-Moo." He then politely inquired as to which of the Job Titles on the Personnel List had represented Positions which had actually been filled, and asked to see the Job Descriptions of those Jobs. When Old MacDonald happily obliged, he asked to interview two of the individuals involved, and, after a short while in the pasture, he requested that Old MacDonald sell him the Bovine Animal, since, as he pointed out, he had need of just such a Job Holder to inhabit one of his barns. Old MacDonald was pleased to oblige and offered to deliver the animal to Farmer Jones' Dairy Farm next door that very afternoon. Everything was soon concluded satisfactorily. (The Bovine Animal was especially happy, since she had not been milked for several weeks, being, of course, a Bovine Animal and not a Milk Cow.) During his trip to the Dairy to deliver the Bovine Animal, Old MacDonald noticed that the Milk Cows at the Dairy were giving milk. Moreover, most of them had Calves. Old MacDonald calculated rapidly and decided to employ a Milk Cow on his own Farm. He asked Farmer Jones how much Annual Salary (Full-time, Base Rate) a Milk Cow should earn. "Oh, my animals have no Job Titles," replied Farmer Jones. "They are commodities. I could sell you one if you like. In fact, I could sell you this one that I just bought from you -- at a small profit, of course." Old MacDonald promptly went back to the Procurement Officer and requested that she buy the milk cow from Farmer Jones. The Procurement Officer gave him forms to fill out. He obliged, but she still seemed to see difficulties in the transaction. "You cannot sole source an item unless the vendor is the only source from which the equivalent item can be bought. You then need a letter explaining (1) why this vendor is the only source for this needed item, and (2) why the specifications of the said item are necessary for your farm work." "But I bought grain last week from The Speedy Seed Company, using a sole source Purchase Order, and you did not say anything then." "That was a Chemical, food additive. You already had a letter on file for this type of purchase." "Besides, this is only $250.00. Couldn't we make an exception for just one penny?" "No exceptions." Old MacDonald didn't see how he could justify the specifications of a cow to be bought as "sole source" under these rules, so he asked how else he might be able to purchase the item. "You must get three bids," the Procurement Officer said. So Old MacDonald called three farms and got three bids on a milk cow. Mr. Smith's cow was two dollars cheaper. The Procurement Officer informed Old MacDonald that he would have to buy the cheaper product. It was a Farm Law. "But I want a Guernsey cow, because they give richer milk," said Old MacDonald. "You cannot purchase solely on the basis of Brand Names," returned the Procurement Officer. "You must get three bids, based on Qualifications of Equivalent Items; as, for example, size, equipment, and function." So Old MacDonald got three more bids. This time he specified "Cow, medium size, having one udder with at least four faucet-like devices hanging from it." This seemed to satisfy the Procurement Officer, since neither of the other two farms he called had that exact type of item, and each one put in a "No Bid." Soon, however, the Procurement Officer called Old MacDonald back and declared, "We cannot buy this item from Farmer Jones. 'Cows, medium size, having one udder with at least four faucet-like devices hanging from it' are on Farm Contract with Farmer Smith. You will have to buy one of his." "But his are Herefords and nearly eight years old! And two of them limp!" Old MacDonald was beginning to shout. "Well, you cannot specify according to age, race, sex, color, or handicapped condition. (We are members of the Equality In Expenses for Investment Opportunities Division of the Equality In Expenditures for Interstate Opportunities Commission -- the EIEIO, EIEIO -- you know, and cannot discriminate well.) If you want to buy a different type of animal, you should have used the correct specification in your Order when you took bids." Old MacDonald looked in the Farm Contract Book, wrote his specifications very carefully, took three more bids, and was finally successful. Since it had taken him three days to buy back the milk cow that had once been a Bovine Animal, Old MacDonald was anxious to get the animal as soon as possible. He offered to pick the animal up himself at Farmer Jones' Dairy Farm that very afternoon. When he got there, he realized that he had not put into the Purchase Order a request for a halter, and since he could not lead the animal back home without one, he asked Farmer Jones what to do. Farmer Jones obligingly offered to sell him the halter that had come with the animal for half of the original retail price if Old MacDonald would take the animal away at that time and not bother Farmer Jones any more. Old MacDonald agreed and took the animal back to his Farm. When he notified the Procurement Officer about the sale, however, she refused to repay the fee, since reimbursements are not allowed on Farm Accounts, and since he had not justified buying used equipment in advance. Old MacDonald told her that this was a Service of Milk Cow transportation, replacement part from the Vendor who sold the Milk Cow, and she finally agreed to reimburse him from her butter-and-egg money. It was shortly after this transaction that Old MacDonald decided he wasn't cut out for Farm Life. Too many Rules and Regulations, he decided. So he moved his Family (Wife and Daughter) back to the City (Urban area, heavily populated) and became the Director of the Bureau for Bureaucratically Underprivileged Rurally-Educated Areas' Urbanization (the Bureau of BUREAUs), and they lived bureaucratically every after. UNFORTUNATELY PROBABLY NOT THE END From BRIAN%nuacc.bitnet@rutgers.edu Tue Jun 7 19:32:14 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: BRIAN%nuacc.bitnet@rutgers.edu (Brian Wilson) Subject: Worth a small chuckle. Keywords: original, chuckle, heard it Date: 7 Jun 88 20:32:14 GMT Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1 With such a large selection of programming languages it can be difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand, most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable automobiles. Assembler - A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and expensive to maintain. FORTRAN II - A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road. FORTRAN IV - A Model A Ford. FORTRAN 77 - A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts. COBOL - A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work. BASIC - A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one. PL/I - A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two- tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield C - A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler). ALGOL 60 - An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car. Pascal - A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectuals. Modula II - A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch. ALGOL 68 - An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone can drive it. LISP - An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available. PROLOG/LUCID - Prototype concept-cars. Maple/MACSYMA - All-terrain vehicles. FORTH - A go-cart. LOGO - A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn. APL - A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek. Ada - An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for the generals, it's good enough for you. Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the design specification are starting to clear up. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes to {watmath|att}!looking!funny . One joke per submission, with descriptive "Subject:" and no form feeds, please! Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. HORIZONS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE EDUCATIONAL TECHNOLOGY =================================================== By Ross Williams 3 June 1988. Recent studies have shown that while undergraduate students are more intelligent than kindergarten students, the mentality and attention span of the two groups are similar. With this in mind, we introduce a new concept in Computer Science education: COMPUTER SCIENCE SESAME STREET ============================== Narrator: One of these programs is not like the others, One of these programs has a bug. One of these programs is not like the others, And if you can't tell which one, you're a mug. One of these programs is not like the others, One of these programs will really teach yer, One of these programs is not like the others, Yes, that's not a bug, that's a feature. ---------- Voiceover: c C C? C! printf! while ((c=getchar() != EOF) {} C! ---------- Song: Dum diddle diddle diddle dum de dum dum, Dum diddle diddle diddle, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 A B C D E F ---------- Narrator: Hello Oscar, how are you today? Oscar the Grouch: Go away: I've just found a new garbage collection algorithm. Narrator: Tell me about it Oscar.... ---------- Kermit: This is Kermit the Frog reporting for Sesame Street news. Today, we interview Professor Biskit who works on cookie biosearch. Hello Professor Biskit, what have you got there? Prof: Arcchhh, I am trying to find out iv there is zarch a sing as an infinitely long coorkie. Dis machine vill produce every sort of coorkie possible: big cookies, dittle cookies, square cookies, round cookies. The cookies come out dis hole here. Kermit: You mean if you get a really long cookie, it will come out of the hole like a sausage? Prof: Yaaaass, that's right. Now I vill set de machine going, and ve can start vatching de corkies. GRRRRUNNNCCHHHH CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA... Prof: Aass here comes one,... CLUNK Cookie Monster: Cooooookie! Chomp. Prof: Und another. Dis one eees square: CLUNK. Kermit: Uh professor... Prof: Don't bother me now, I'm vatchin coorkies. Kermit: What if there isn't an infinitely long cookie? Prof: Then they vill come out of dis machine forever - there are an infinite number of possible corkies you know. Kermit: And what if the machine starts making an infinitely long cookie? Prof: Thats obvious you frogk, I vill have to vait for it to come out. Kermit: And how long will that take? Prof: Forever. Kermit: So if there isn't an infinitely long cookie, you have to wait forever and if there is, you have to wait forever too. How are you going to find out if there is an infinitely long cookie today? Prof: Don't interrupt. Here comes a triangular one viff purple spots. Cookie monster: CRUNCH. GULP. Prof: My machine! Kermit: Well, it looks as if the cookie monster has transcended the question of whether there is an infinitely long cookie by eating the cookie machine. A good thing as the computation was UNCOMPUTABLE. ---------- Narrator: Hello Big Bird. What's all this mess? Big Bird: I'm planting a binary tree. That way, I can nest in it and I won't have to fly South for the winter. Narrator: How long will it take for the tree to grow tall enough? Big Bird: If I add branches randomly it will take me log_2(t)/1.386. Narrator: Tell me why, Big Bird? ... ---------- This program has been brought to you by the language C and the number F. This has been a production of the Computer Science Television Workshop. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMPUTER SCIENCE YOUNG ONES =========================== Neil: Ow, WOW heavy! My lentil binary trees are growing exponentially. Vivian: This calls for a subtle combination of mathematics and extreme violence. Rick: Oh you couldn't theorize even if you picked your nose with a silicon chip. Vivian: OK, watch! This is how you dismantle a binary tree in constant time... CRUNCH, CHOP, CRASH... Neil: WOW. Heavy. Look at the mess. Look at all the garbage! Garbage: Now they'll try to clean me up in constant time, but they've forgotten about all those cycles caused by curly lentils... Vivian: Oh no we didn't because I cut all the cycles before I chopped down the tree... Rick: You can't do that in linear time! What sort of a snotty nosed gullible girlie do you think I am? Vivian: Well I had him fooled! Neil: No you didn't! I was just waiting for the tree to spontaneously re-assemble. ..... -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From pokey@well.UUCP Sat Apr 16 18:19:15 1988 From: pokey@well.UUCP (Jef Poskanzer) Newsgroups: soc.singles,news.misc Subject: stupid .signatures Date: 17 Apr 88 00:19:15 GMT Organization: Paratheo-Anametamystikhood Of Eris Esoteric, Ada Lovelace Cabal In the referenced message, stowe@silver.UUCP (holly) wrote: >In article <5680@well.UUCP> pokey@well.UUCP (Jef Poskanzer) writes: >>Seriously, the last thing the net needs is yet another stupid signature >>graphic. Please don't. >> >> Jef Poskanzer jef@lbl-rtsg.arpa ...well!pokey >> Not affiliated with Major League Baseball. > >Heavens, no! Not while we have brilliant .signature files like the one >seen above! Hey, I never claimed it was brilliant. I know it's stupid. It's SUPPOSED to be stupid. The whole idea of .signatures is STUPID! We never used them in the old days when ARPANET was getting started and netnews hadn't been invented. That's because back then, just using the reply command worked about 99% of the time. Then uucp came along with its non-compliant, header- munging, message-dropping, and generally brain-dead mailers. It's been downhill ever since. The first time I went to work for a place with uucp connections but no direct Internet access, I held off on using a .signature for a long time. But eventually, some bozo followed up to one of my postings in a technical group, saying "I tried to e-mail this to Jeff Postkanser, but it didn't work." Sigh. So .signatures are a necessary evil. But we should never forget that they *are* evil. My stupid quotes are my way of reminding people of this. Of course, as another of my stupid quotes said, "Most people on this network wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head." Anyway, at least I do the net the courtesy of changing my stupid quote every time I post. With most people, you see the same stupid quote or graphic over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. I've appended a list of stupid .signatures currently appearing in soc.singles, sorted by number of appearances. If this kind of shit bores and disgusts you as much as it does me, please join me in expressing disapproval. --- Jef Jef Poskanzer jef@lbl-rtsg.arpa ...well!pokey "If a man chooses to do evil... it becomes my sacred duty to bash him to a pulp." - - - - - - - - - - 46 Marvin Raab Arlington, VA 22202 (703) 521-5449 46 ...uunet!vsedev!grebyn!marv +--------------------------------+ 46 ...mimsy!umd5!grebyn!marv | Formerly: marv@vsedev.VSE.COM | 46 ...marv%grebyn.COM@umd5.UMD.EDU | MFRQC@CUNYVM.BITNET | 44 =-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-.=-. 44 "Please don't tell me how to be. Nancy Colucci 44 I already am." aka puppy@chinet 44 UUCP: ihnp4!chinet!puppy 44 LH: AT&T Network Systems ihnp4!ce023b!cenlc 40 Men's Rights? NO Women's Rights? NO Equal Rights? YES 40 The MAD Programmer -- 201-386-6409 (Cornet 232) 40 alias: Curtis Jackson ...![ ihnp4 ulysses ucbvax allegra ]!moss!rcj 40 ...![ ihnp4 ucbvax akgua watmath ]!clyde!rcj 32 Later y'all, vnend@engr.uky.edu and vnend%ukecc.uucp@ukma.BITNET; 32 Vnend. and CN0001DJ@UKCC.BITNET and MC.DAVID@UKPR.BITNET; 32 Ignorance is the Mother of Adventure. And, (if your lucky) VNEND on GEnie 32 "Naughty origami."---Snoopy (ours, not Schultz's) 22 -- "I ALways push the doors marked pull!"- (I don't know who said that.) 22 -- Becky McEllistrem (Tadger) 22 -- mtbb34@ms.uky.edu, mtbb34@ukma.bitnet, {rutgers,uunet,cbosgd}!ukma!mtbb34 22 -- University of Kentucky in Lexington Kentucky, USA 16 "These aren't my thoughts, they're my cat walking on the keyboard." 16 16 Larry McVoy lm@arizona.edu or ...!{uwvax,sun}!arizona.edu!lm 15 _ __ NEVIN J. LIBER ...!ihnp4!ihlpf!nevin1 (312) 510-6194 15 ' ) ) "The secret compartment of my ring I fill 15 / / _ , __o ____ with an Underdog super-energy pill." 15 / (_ 9 <---- or: {rutgers,uunet,cbosgd}!ukma!david, david@UKMA.BITNET 9 <---- 9 <---- I don't have a Blue bone in my body! 9 Steve Frye Relational Technology 9 ptsfa!rtech!stevef 1080 Marina Village Parkway 9 Alameda, Ca. 94501 9 "No matter where we are standing, the wind always blows right at us". MGW 8 Jan "the other Bolle Sister" Sven. 8 -------------------------------------------------------- 8 Mind like parachute - function only when open! 8 8 Jan (Jan, from Amsterdam) no-hyphen Sven Trabandt 8 ...!{allegro,ihnp4,decvax,pyramid}!utzoo!oscvax!jan 8 -=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=- 8 -=*=- Becki Tants (315)423-4155 aka Scamp or Charm H. Larceny -=*=- 8 -=*=- Syracuse University, Computing and Network Services -=*=- 8 -=*=- RETANTS@SUNRISE.BITNET or RETANTS@SUNSET.BITNET -=*=- 8 -=*=- RETANTS@SUVM.BITNET or RETANTS@SUVM.ACS.SYR.EDU -=*=- 8 -=*=- Disclaimer: Improbability Factor 1 to 1. We have Normalcy. -=*=- 8 -=*=- Anything you still can't cope with is your own problem. -=*=- 8 -=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=- 7 Tim Smith tim@ism780c.isc.com 7 "I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the 7 kind of person I'm preaching to" -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs 6 =================================================================== 6 | Howeird@cup.Portal.com |The opinions expressed here are | 6 | Sysop, Anatomically Correct BBS |a figment of your warped | 6 | (415) 364-3739 |imagination. | 6 =================================================================== 6 DavidBedno(akaTheCatintheHat,Dr.Seuss,Dr.Dave,Bamf)Nowappearingat: 6 davidbe@sco.COM-OR-...!{uunet,ihnp4,decvax!microsoft,ucbvax!ucscc} 6 !sco!davidbe-OR-610PacificAve#5,Santa Cruz,California95060Home: 6 408-425-5266Work:408-425-7222x697(I'mprobablyhere...)/*NotSCO'sopinions*/ 6 *--Tom Revay---Data Resources, 24 Hartwell Ave., Lexington, MA 02173-* 6 | Phone: (617) 863-5100 | 6 | UUCP: {ll-xn,harvard!axiom,necntc}!drilex!tomr | 6 *"And you can BELIEVE me, because I NEVER lie, and I'm ALWAYS right!"* Yeah, right. Well, enough of that. From @RELAY.CS.NET:wyle@solaris.uucp Fri Sep 9 11:15:24 1988 Flags: 000000000001 From: graham@eigg.tcom.stc.co.uk Subject: The software life cycle Message-ID: <3107@eigg.tcom.stc.co.uk> Date: 6 Sep 88 19:14:19 GMT Newsgroups: eunet.jokes Path: solaris!ethz!cernvax!mcvax!ukc!stc!eigg!graham Distribution: eunet Lines: 120 Organisation: STC Telecoms, New Southgate, LONDON UK Here's something for you out in netland, a salutory tale of software development. Note this is not the way things are done here at STC :-; The true story of ??? --------------------- In the beginning there was the Requirement and the Requirement was without form or structure and darkness was upon the face of the Client, and the face of the Client was turned away from the Company. So the Company said : 'Let there be a Tender' And lo, there was a Tender, and the Client saw that it was good, and the face of the client was turned once more unto the works of the Company. Then did the Company gather together all manner of creatures, and from this gathering was created the project team - and it was said that it was good. >From the Project Team were produced Engineers and Programmers and diverse other forms of life. And from the multitude was selected one who was raised above all others and who was called 'Manager'. And he was to lead the Project Team along the path of productivity for the Companys' sake. And it happened that the mind of the Manager was dazzled by the Tender and he thereby believed that all things were possible, even though there was, as yet, no specification. Thus it was that the Manager commanded all Programmers to be gathered together in one place and he spoke to their leader who was called Chief Progammer : 'Let there be a Schedule, whereby I may know the Delivery Date, and I shall make you responsible for the accomplisment of this schedule'. Therefore did the Chief Programmer move amongst his followers and ask of them 'How shall this be done ?'. Where upon his followers withdrew, each to his own desk and estimated, as was their custom. And it came to pass that each Programmer brought forth an estimate and, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, all estimates were consolidated and summarised into one place which was called a 'Project Plan'. And the Chief Programmer brought the Manager unto the Project plan saying : 'Behold - it will take a full score of months to accomplish'. But the Manager was not pleased and said : 'I have raised you up from the depths and given unto you many coding sheets and even so you have not understood the Tender, your Project Plan is too long'. Whereupon the Manager hired consultants, authorised much overtime and cancelled all holidays. Then he spake unto the Chief Programmer : 'Behold, see all that I have done, the Delivery Date shall be in one Year'. Then did the Chief Programmer set his followers to designing and coding and there were many meetings and much computer time was employed in the working thereof - even though there was as yet no Specification. And it came to pass that the Manager examined the designs and he saw that they were too ambitious and he knew that they could not be accomplished in the Delivery Date. Whereupon the Manager commanded the Chief Programmer to separate the design into two parts. One part he called the 'Manditory Functions' and the other part were 'Options' - and the Client called him names. And the Manager commanded: 'Let the Software Houses put forth their salesmen and let us have a Data Base Management System' and it was so. The salesmen produced all manner of Brochures which laid claim to many and wondrous things - each according to their own file structure. And it came to pass that a Data Base Management System was selected and the Chief Programmer accomplised said that it was good and that more programmers were required if all was to be accomplised by the Delivery Date. Thus it was that the Project Team was increased almost without number. The Manager, espying this host from afar said : 'Let there be Organisation' and there was Organisation. And the Project team was split into many groups that did not speak to each other, and it was said that , perhaps it was good. Some groups the Chief Programmer called Senior Programmers and others he called Junior Programmers and he gave domination to the former over the latter . And the Senior Programmers saw it differently. Now it was said that the Chief Programmer exorted his followers to even greater efforts because the Delivery Date was nigh and the breath of the Manager was hot upon his neck. Both Senior and Junior Programmers became sore afraid. They strove mightily to please the Chief Programmer with much overtime and copious comment and everyone coded and flowcharted, each in his own manner. The manager, seeing this, liked it not and commanded : 'Let there be Standards' and there were Stanards but the Programmers liked them not and productivity fell. When he learned of this the Chief Programmer was afaid that he would be cast down from his high place and therefore commanded : 'Let there be Progress Reports' and there were Progress Reports. The Chief Programmer looked at the Progress reports and saw that the Delivery Date would not be met. Therefore, on the tenth month, the Chief Programmer rose up , pressed his suit, shaved his beard and went unto the Manager, grovelling and pointing his fingers and causing much blame to issue forth unto all manner of creatures who sold both hardware and software. And the Chief Programmer asked for an extension whereat the Manager was exeedingly angry and caused doubt to be cast on the legitimacy of the Chief Programmers ancestors - even to the third and fourth generation and there was much beating of breast and tearing of hair - mostly the Chief Programmers'. And the Manager commanded the Chief Programmer to put forth all Software House personnel and all Consultants. But the Chief Programmer refused saying that all were needed, that there was no documentation and that there was, as yet, no specification. And it came to pass that an extention was granted and the Chief Programmer returned to his followers bearing these tidings and there was rejoising and revelry among the terminals; and the coffee machine broke down. On the twentieth month the Chief Programmer said : ' Let the modules be integrated, one with another, so that the system testing can begin'. And it was so and great difficulties were experienced and many hours of overtime were employed in finding out why the modules would not integrate - for there was no documentation and, as yet, no specification. Then on the twenty fourth month, the Chief Programmer did go to the Manager and say unto him : 'Behold I give you good tidings of great joy for you and for youre Client, for on this day the System did work'. And suddenly there was all about them a host, a multitude of Salesmen praising the Chief Programmer and singing : 'Glory to the Company, the Manager, and the Chief Programmer and, please, can you make this small change ?'. And the Chief Programmer rose up and spake thus unto them : 'We dare'nt for there is no documentation and, as yet, no specification'. Graham Bardsley, STC Telecommunications, Oakleigh Road South, New Southgate, ...{mcvax}!ukc!stc!eigg!graham London, England. N11 1HB Tel: +44 1 368 1234 x2739 Fd