From: IN%"kennedy@cunixc.cc.columbia.edu" "Terry Kennedy" 11-SEP-1989 01:29:47.52 To: _TERRY CC: Subj: humor.3 Received: from JNET-DAEMON by SPCVXA.BITNET; Mon, 11 Sep 89 01:28 EDT Received: From CUVMA(MAILER) by SPCVXA with Jnet id 1686 for TERRY@SPCVXA; Mon, 11 Sep 89 01:28 EDT Received: from CUVMB by CUVMB.COLUMBIA.EDU (Mailer R2.03B) with BSMTP id 0472; Mon, 11 Sep 89 00:57:44 EDT Received: from cunixc.cc.columbia.edu by CUVMB.COLUMBIA.EDU (IBM VM SMTP R1.2.1) with TCP; Mon, 11 Sep 89 00:57:37 EDT Received: by cunixc.cc.columbia.edu (5.59/FCB) id AA09064; Mon, 11 Sep 89 00:59:00 EDT Date: Mon, 11 Sep 89 0:58:59 EDT From: Terry Kennedy Subject: humor.3 To: terry@SPCVXA.BITNET Message-Id: From rsalz@pineapple.bbn.com.UUCP Wed Jun 15 21:17:00 1988 Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Alice in DIGITALland Keywords: funny, long Date: 16 Jun 88 02:17:00 GMT Seems applicable to most any largish corporation... [This is quite long, but I enjoyed it.] ALICE in DIGITALand "Where am I?" asked Alice, as she peered at the large 7-lettered sign with the standard blue letters. "You're in Digitaland," replied the security guard, "May I see your badge?" "I don't have a badge." "Did you lose it?" "No." answered Alice in a puzzled tone. "How could I lose something I never had?" "If it's not lost then you must show it to me." "I can't. I don't have one." "Then you'll have to have a temporary." "A temporary what?" asked Alice, more confused then ever. "A temporary Badge. What's your badge number?" requested the guard. "I don't have one" "Of course not, Ken Olsen has 1. Give me your badge number, and your cost center" "I'm so confused. I can't do this. I've already said 3 times why. Do I have to tell you 4?" "Ahhh. 3XY, badge number 4. You must be very important to have such a low badge number. I should have immediately recognized how low by your state of extreme confusion. Here's your temporary. Go right on in." Alice pasted the sticky paper to her dress and headed down the hall. Not 10 feet ahead she saw a rather distressed looking rabbit coming toward her. He was dressed in a pair of torn, faded jeans, and a dirty tee shirt. "What's wrong?" Alice asked. "I'm late! I'm late!" exclaimed the rabbit as he peered at the pert chart dangling from his pocket protector. "Late for what?" asked Alice. "My date. I'm going to miss my date. I've got a deadline to meet and I'm not going to make it." "Well, if it's already dead, it probably won't mind. In fact it isn't likely to be going too far in such a state. I'm sure that however long you take will be just fine." "You obviously don't understand. Everything takes longer than it really does. It doesn't matter what you are doing, only that you meet your date, and that's always impossible." "Well if its impossible, why would anyone expect you to meet it?" Almost at once regretting that she had asked. Was this was going to be as confusing as badges? "Its really very simple. In order to move forward, you need a goal. Any goal will do. It just has to be impossible to do. To motivate the troops, you have to make goals very challenging. Its really only there to get a stake in the ground, you know. After that we march in step until we reach our objective. The date really doesn't mean anything. You simple have to understand that we are going to do the right thing." "But the if the goal is impossible, and really doesn't mean anything why are you trying to go there. Wouldn't it be simpler to first figure out what you are really going to do, then figure out how to get there?" "You obviously don't understand the process. And as I said before I'm late so there is obviously only one thing to do." "Hurry up and rush off?" Alice asked, hoping it would sound more like a suggestion than a question. "No. No. No. A meeting. Let find the Mad Manager and a number of involved, interested, or warm bodies." "That will obviously take a lot of time. I don't think you have any to waste. "No it won't. All we have to do is find a conference room. There are lots of them right over here." "But," started Alice, "those rooms are all full of people. Don't we need an empty conference room?" "Silly thought. If we want to find the Mad Manager and some meeting attendees, why would we look in an empty conference room? Anyway, its impossible to ever find an empty conference room." The rabbit took Alice by the hand, and promptly lead her into the largest, fullest conference room. Alice immediately noticed that the wastebasket was quite full of foam cups, and overhead projector bulbs. These people had obviously been here for a long time. At the head of the table sat a man with a rather funny suit wearing a large hat. "Why" whispered Alice to the rabbit, "is that man wearing that funny hat? Who is he?" "I'm the Mad Manager," answered the man at the end of the table, obviously overhearing the question, " And I'll be happy to tell you why I'm wearing this Hat, but that topic is not on the agenda." "Why don't we change the agenda?" asked a person in the corner. "Is that a topic for another meeting?" replied the manager. "Is what a topic for another meeting?" voiced a third. "The reason for the hat, or why we don't change the agenda?" "Why don't we take this off line?" queried another. "Does everyone agree that these are all topics we should address?" asked the mad manager. "Possibly so. " injected the person in the corner. "Could it be that we have a hidden agenda?" "Oh no!" the Mad Manager began, the dismay obvious on his face, "someone has hidden the agenda again! Let me put on my process hat and we'll see if we can work this issue." With that, he removed his rather amusing top hat, and place a big green fedora on his head. "Now, with my process hat on, I'd like to address the issue of the hidden agenda. Since we can't have a productive meeting without an agenda, it is up to all of us to find it." "But, " a voice from the corner piped in, "who is going to drive this issue?" "Do we have an action item here?" asked another attendee. "Does anyone here want to work this?" asked the mad manager. "Who originally brought this up?" asked another. "I believe that the woman who came in with the rabbit proposed this. Shouldn't she own it?" "Well" the Manager stated, pointing to Alice. "I'd say that this is your issue." "What issue. I don't have any issues. " retorted Alice, nervously fingering her temporary badge. "I only posed a simple question." "I'm not sure we can accept that," the manager declared. "We need a date." "But, " Alice began, remembering what the rabbit told her about dates, "a date is impossible." >From the back of the room another voice asked, "How about a date for a date?" "The least we can ask it that you give us a date when you will be able to give us the date for the date." stated the person in the corner. "I'm not sure I can do that," Alice opened, "since I don't know what I'm supposed to give you a date for. I'm having a problem trying to figure out what you want me to do." "We don't have any problems here, only opportunities!" Piped a chorus of voices. "It's really quite obvious," the mad manager declared as he reached behind him for a striped blue and gray beret, "let me put on my Digital hat for a moment," he continued doffing the fedora and flipping on his latest selection, "You must do the right thing." "Yes. yes. " chimed the chorus of attendees, "Do the right thing. "Now, who is keeping the minutes?" the manager asked as he pitched the beret and placed the fedora back on his head. "We need to record this action item so we can come back to it later." "We obviously can't deal with this issue until we can determine whose meeting this is?" "Should we schedule some time to cover that topic?" asked one of the attendees. "Whose going to drive this?" asked another. Just at the Mad Manager was pulling out a rather worn pith helmet, a voice in the back suggested "Let's take a break and work some of this 1x1 off line" Being closest to the door Alice was the first to leave. She quickly dashed down the hall, and ran up the first flight of stairs she encountered, relieved to be free of the madness. When she opened the door the scene that confronted her made her wonder if returning to the meeting wasn't a bad idea. Seated around a large oval table were what appeared to be playing cards, each dressed in a gray or navy blue three piece suit. Around each neck was a rather oddly shaped handle (or were they nooses?) made of silk, or polyester. "Off with her head!" screamed the queen of hearts who was sitting at the head of the table. Alice noticed that her tie was silk, and each card seated near her was dressed in a suit and noose combination similar to the queen's. "Why would you want to remove my head?" Alice asked. By now she was feeling beyond confused. "It's not a modern, iconic, user friendly, menu driven, color, PC compatible user interface," replied the queen, in a tone that would need to come up two notches to be vaguely considered condescending. "It happens to suit me just fine," retorted Alice. "What are you an engineer or something?" asked the 7 of spades. "No, I'm Alice. Who are you?" "Marketing." they replied in perfect fifty-two part harmony. "And what is that?" asked Alice. There was a brief interlude of silence as each of the cards fidgeted with their ties, checked their watches and scribbled notes on the pads of paper contained in a handsome genuine imitation leather folder embossed with the company logo. Then one by one, as dominoes would do, they turned to the person on the left until they all stared at the queen of hearts. The queen cleared her throat, adjusted her tie a second time and stared directly at Alice. "We provide the strategic thinking necessary to grow the business." "Oh," said Alice, "you figure out what products to build!" "Heavens, no!" exclaimed the Queen, "That's too tactical. We feel its our job to develop the vision for the long term." "You develop things," began Alice, "so you build the products?" In unison each member of the table made a face reminiscent of the look a small child gets upon tasting spoiled dead roaches for the first time. "Uggggh, that's even more tactical," jeered the chorus. "No! No!" shouted the Queen. "You still do not understand. We take the pulse of the key market leaders demand curve." "I see now." said Alice, "You sell the products." By now the chorus of cards chanting "Tac-ti-cal! Tac-ti-cal!" was becoming too much. The queen was furious and repeated her original greeting. "Off with her head! Off With her head" "WAIT!" demanded Alice. "I believe I understand. You are all responsible for driving the solution opportunities for the key client supply perceptions through strategic vision management!" Alice wondered if she should add something about the claws catching, and frumious bandersnatches and thought that she'd best leave it at that before she became ill. "Yes," screamed the cards, "That's exactly right!" "And how, might I ask, do you accomplish these lofty and important goals?" "By calling a BOD," the queen responded. "And what, pray tell, might that be?" inquired Alice as she looked for the quickest escape route, hoping that this jabber would keep her head attached long enough to get out. "A Board of Directors", began the queen, just as Alice noticed the door to the left of the table. "Its a type of high level meeting." "A meeting????!!!!" exclaimed Alice. "Not another meeting!" With that she bolted for the door, no longer fearing for her head. Her only hope was that she make it through before the agenda hit the overhead. In a dead run, she passed through the door just as the projector lamp flicked on. The sound of the fan was the last sound to fade as the door closed. Breathlessly she looked up to see a large open area. Directly in front of her was an enclosed area lined on one side with triple chrome table. A stack of plastic trays was at the foyer. As she wandered through an assortment of sandwiches, prepared foods, soft drinks and salad began their daily spiel. "Eat Me! Drink Me! Eat Me!" "Oh no," answered Alice, "I may know nothing about dates, and problems and meetings and agendas, and marketing and badges, but I do know food. I'm not gonna touch any of you. After the morning I've had I deserve a nice cheese steak (no lettuce)!" With that, Alice opened the nearest exit door and left. A resounding high pitched whine sang its midday good-byes as Alice returned to the real world. Posted: Tue 17-May-1988 11:13 EST To: @CPU -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . One joke per submission, with descriptive "Subject:" and no form feeds, please! Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. From Chai@csvax.cs.ukans.edu Tue Mar 7 12:59:20 1989 Flags: 000000000001 Received: from csvax.cs.ukans.edu by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22) id AA04023; Tue, 7 Mar 89 12:59:11 CST Date: Tue, 7 Mar 89 12:59:33 CST From: Chai@csvax.cs.ukans.edu To: Werner Uhrig Subject: Re: mid life crisis? Message-Id: <8903071259.aa13309@csvax.cs.ukans.edu> The C Programming Language Brian W. Kernighan o Dennis M. Ritchie a.k.a. "The C Bible" As revealed to the prophets Ian Chai and Glenn Chappell Genesis Chapter 0 0 In the Beginning Ritchie created the PDP-11 and the UNIX. 1 And the UNIX was without form and void; and darkness was upon the face of the system programmers. 2 And Ritchie said, "Let there be portability!" And nothing happened, so Ritchie realized that he had his work cut out for him. . . . 25 And Ritchie said to Kernighan, "Let us make C in the image of B, after our own whims: and let it have dominion over the I and the O and all that runneth upon the UNIX," and it was almost, but not quite so... so he realized that he had his work cut out for him again. . . . Chapter 1 0 Thus the PDP-11 and the UNIX were finished, and all the programs in them. 1 And on the seventh shift Ritchie ended his work which he had made; and he would have rested on the seventh shift from all the work which he had made, if it weren't for the system crash. . . . Chapter 2 0 Now the COBOL was more verbose than any language of the PDP-11, and he said unto the programmer, "Yea, hath the Manual said, 'Ye shalt not read of every device of the network?'" 1 And the programmer said unto the COBOL, "We may read of every device of the network: 2 But of the registers of the printer in the midst of the network, the Manual hath said, 'Ye shall not read of it, neither shall ye write to it without proper protocol, lest ye cause a system crash.'" 3 And the COBOL said unto the programmer, "Ye shalt not surely crash the system: 4 For Ritchie doth know that in the time slice ye read thereof, then your I/O shall be opened, and ye shalt be as system operators, accessing locked accounts with unlimited privileges." 5 And then when the programmer saw that the printer was good for interfacing, and that it was pleasant to the I (and to the O),... 6 And they realized they were unstructured, so they patched RATFOR subroutines... . . . The Gospel According to Chai 0 And the Messiah shalt come, born a mere B but to grow up into the Saviour C, 1 Wherein true structured programming may be achieved, yea, verily, yet while being able to do bit shifting. 2 For although the Law (Pascal) hath been given, the Law cannot for (i=0; str1[i]!='\0'; i++) str2[i] = (str1[i]>='A' && str1[i]>='Z')? str1[i]+32 : str1[i]; but must i := 0; while (i <= length(str1)) do begin if str1[i] in ['A'..'Z'] then str2[i] := chr( ord(str1[i]) + 32)) else str1[i] := str2[i]; i := i + 1; end; The Revelation 0 Yea, in those last days, the Saviour shalt come again, but enhanced, in the rainment of C++ 1 And then shalt the Beast, FORTRAN, and the AntiC, COBOL, be thrown into the trash HEAP where there is weeping and byting of pins. 2 And all the faithful programmers shalt be led into CRAY where billions of MIPS are at each one's fingertips. From grebyn!karl@haven.UMD.EDU Wed Dec 14 08:19:29 1988 Flags: 000000000001 Received: from haven.UMD.EDU by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22) id AA00456; Wed, 14 Dec 88 08:19:24 CST Received: by haven.UMD.EDU (5.57/umd.04) for werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu id AA20199; Wed, 14 Dec 88 09:20:18 EST Received: by grebyn.com (5.57/smail2.3/07-01-87) id AA10296; Wed, 14 Dec 88 09:06:30 EST Date: Wed, 14 Dec 88 09:06:30 EST From: karl@grebyn.com (Karl Nyberg) Message-Id: <8812141406.AA10296@grebyn.com> Organization: Grebyn Corporation Phone: 703-281-2194 To: werner@rascal.ics.UTEXAS.EDU Subject: add this to your collection of funnies ... -- Karl -- For your edification and enjoyment, here are a few selected daffynitions from Ambrose Bierce, " The Devil's Dictionary" Published 1911, Neale Publishing Co. ============================================================= Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy: A modern school where football is taught. Accomplice: One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a sufficient fee for assenting. Accountability: The mother of caution. Accuse: To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged them. Alderman: An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretense of open marauding. Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted into each others' pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. Back: That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity. Backbite: To speak of a man as you find him, when he can't find you. Bait: A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty. Beauty: That power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. Belldonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady. In English, a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. Cannon: An instrument used in the rectification of national boundaries. Cat: A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. Childhood: The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. Day: A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts; the day proper, and the night, or day improper -- the former devoted to sins of business, and the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap. Deluge: A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world. Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country. Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the fool their lack of understanding. Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in themselves than in me. Emotion: A prostrating disease caused by the determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead. Female: One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. Fidelity: A vice peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. Forefinger: The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors. Gallows: A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is transported to heaven. In this country, the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. Guillotine: A machine which makes the Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason. Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. Helpmate: A wife, or bitter half. Incompatibility: In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Influence: In politics, a visionary 'quo' given in return for a substantial 'quid'. Intimacy: A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction. Joss-sticks: Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. Justice: A commodity which (in a more or less adulterated condition) the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes, and personal service. Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. Language: The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure. Lap: One of the most important organs of the female system; an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly used in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and the heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's substantial welfare. Lawyer: One skilled in the circumvention of the law. Lead: A heavy blue-grey mineral most useful in imparting a sense of responsibility to those who love not wisely but other men's wives. Legacy: A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears. Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission. Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious posessions. Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. Liver: A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. Love: A temporary insanity curable either by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than the patient. Luminary: One who throws light on a subject; as a reporter, by not writing about it. Mace: A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent. Machination: The method employed by one's opponents in baffling one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition has suggested to some that it might be taught to talk. Maiden: A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clueless conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has wide geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the canary -- which, also, is more portable. Male: A member of the unconsidered, or negligible, sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has 2 varieties: Good Providers and Bad Providers. Malefactor: The chief factor in the progress of the human race. Manicheism: The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight, the Persians joined the victorious Opposition. Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making (in all) two. Me: The objectional case of "I". The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the diminutive, the objectional, and the oppressive. Each is in all three. Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worthwhile. Mercy: An attribute beloved of detected offenders. Mine: Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it. Miracle: An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as in beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king. Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses. Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the ball game. Mouth: In man, the gateway to the soul; In woman, the outlet of the heart. Noise: A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization. Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce". These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. Overeat: To dine. Patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. Pedestrian: The variable (and audible) part of a roadway. Piety: Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man. Piracy: Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it. Plebescite: A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. Plunder: To take the property of another without the decent and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a missed opportunity. Pocket: The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman, this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of others. Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be nullified on behalf of a single petitioner, admittedly unworthy. Price: Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear of conscience in demanding it. Non-Combatant: A dead Quaker. Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy. Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient. Proof: Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unliklihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one. Quorum: A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of Representatives, the Speaker and the devil. Rabble: In a republic, those who hold supreme power tempered by fraudulent elections. Rear: In American military affairs, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress. Recollect: To recall with additions something not previously known. Recount: In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded. Repartee: Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend. Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck, or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology, it was customary to unload it upon a star. Retaliation: The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of Law. Riot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders. Rope: An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's whole life long. Russian: (1) A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. (2) A Tartar emetic. Self-Esteem: An erroneous appraisal. Tariff: A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer from the greed of his customer. Urbanity: The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words "I beg your pardon", and it is not inconsistent with disregard of the rights of others. Vote: The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. Weaknesses: Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of the species, binding him to the service of her will, and paralyzing his rebellious energies. Witch: (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil. Yoke: An implement to whose latin name "jugum" we owe one of the most illuminating words in our language-- a word that defines the matrimonial situation with precision, point, and poignancy. Zeal: A certain nervous disorder afflicing the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. From meo@stiatl.UUCP Wed Oct 12 13:24:15 1988 Path: utastro!cs.utexas.edu!wasatch!mailrus!uflorida!gatech!kong!emory!stiatl!meo From: meo@stiatl.UUCP (Miles O'Neal) Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.arts.sf-lovers,comp.misc Subject: Stranger Than Fiction? Message-ID: <643@stiatl.UUCP> Date: 12 Oct 88 18:24:15 GMT Distribution: na Organization: Sales Technologies Inc., Atlanta, GA Lines: 84 STAR TREK V - The EMAIL Message (or More Trouble Than Tribbles) The following was gleaned from a ship's log adrift in space near the new nebula LANpoop, named for the Starship LANpoop, which disappeared at about the same time the nebula appeared in the Atlanta Cluster in the Georgia galaxy, Sector 3, Quadrant 7. "Stardate 3.1.415.927, Admiral George P. Burdell, MIS Starship LANpoop. "We recently ran out of space on our F: drive (a networked DOS partition on STIATL (our unix isolation ward hardware), which is networked to some VAXen via TCP/IP). We realized we were silly to tie ourselves to 1 drive with limited potential, and soon schemed to create a truly virtual F: drive from our available resources. Steve Lyle, our Systems Administrator, 1st class, carried out the operation, without consulting the Captain of the Starship LANpoop." Captain: "Status report, Mr. Spock?" Spock: "I'm querying the new NetManager, now, Captain." Sulu: "Captain! All dialup ports frozen solid!" Captain: "Mr. Scott! Whats happening down there?" Scott: "I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona e disks, forsooth?" Captain: "Huh???" Chekov: "Sir, I believe he said, "I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona e disks, forsooth?"" Captain: "Say what?" Spock: "Sir, I believe he said the disks are full, and backfeeding bits onto the BI bus. I've got the NetManager query response coming in now." Admiral: (smiling) "Mr. Chekov, may I remind you that baiting an officer is a dangerous game?" Sulu: (whispered) "It's better than no game at all." NetManager: "VAX01 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) "VAX02 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) "VAX03 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) "VAX04 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) Captain: "Spock! What could have happened?" Spock: "Insufficient data, Captain, but the ship's disk log seems to indicate that the F: drive has broken out of the UNIX isolation ward and grown to an incredible size. It must have eaten all of our spare disk to do this." Sulu: "Captain, we've got inbound WATS customers on TTYs 1, 5, and 7. All of them say their respective Commtasks are dying, and they have gone to Condition Red. LANfleet command is on the LA120 with an urgent message to help them." Captain: "Spock?" Spock: "Not without more resources, Ron." Captain: "Mr. Scott!!! I need more disk! Giga factor 2!" Scott: "Huh???" Spock: "Allow me, Captain. Mr. Scott, thah captain sesd heanz seasd na ha mure spece onha deesk ana hea musthef 2 gig or mure." Captain: (head in hands, quietly) "Why did I ever leave the Equifax?" Scott: "I canna dewit! We hefna thah moolah allocayhted theys fiscahlyeer!" Captain: "Huh???" Chekov: "I believe he said..." Captain: "Myester Sulooh shuhht hyim oop! Iya ken heeyear tha noiz mahself!" Spock: "Sir, I believe he said we can't afford it." Captain: "Beam me to finance, Mr. Scott." Spock: "Wait, captain. Not yet. Dr. McCoy and Lt. Anderson have been training a new F: drive expert over in PD. Corporal Lyle, I think. Maybe he can help." NetManager: "...VAX318 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) "VAX319 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) "VAX320 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause) Captain: "Mr. Spock! Can you shut that thing..." Spock: "Wait!" NetManager: "STIATL - urgent msg for lyle: F: drive full" Spock: "Fascinating. Here's the trouble. The STIATL drive filled up, and a virtual F:olator kicked in, allowing the other drives on the net to consume themselves. Even the Warp drive is full. All the dilithium crystals got archived to tape to make room for DOS programs." Captain: "DOS!!! I thought we pawned those off on the Klingons. We did! I remember. The MS plague wiped them out!" Spock: "Yes, sir, but DOS are like tribbles, but MUCH less friendly, and MUCH more dangerous." Captain: "This is the Captain! Prepare to abandon ship! Mr. Spock, activate self-destruct sequence..." The recorded conversation is followed by a noise suspiciosly similar to that made by a mongo EMP applied to the recorder circuits of a Starship's log. The investigation is proceeding apace. Disclaimer: You know how it goes, I'm sure. From werner@astro.as.UTEXAS.EDU Thu Apr 20 00:25:18 1989 Flags: 000000000201 Path: utastro!cs.utexas.edu!ssbn!looking!funny-request From: jon@Apple.COM (Jon Singer) To: funny Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Backwoods fun Keywords: topical, original, chuckle Message-ID: <3105@looking.UUCP> Date: 18 Apr 89 07:20:05 GMT Organization: Apple Computer Inc., Cupertino, CA (from Jon Singer and Michael Butler) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= (taken from Pyro Joe's Hot Flashes, pp 137-151) Now, kids, it's tahm ta talk about dee-layed gratification. .... Here's one that'll tickle ya pink! (Also black & blue if ya stand around it too long. Take a hint from ol' Joe.) How menny Whut is it Where d'ya git it ___________________________________________________________________________ 1 1 inch cube of 90% Palladium any good hardware store with 10% Titanium should have it 1 4 inch length of gold wahr steal from yore sister's earrin's 5 gallons heavy water, with 10% steal frum Navy base DTO (th' "Jolt" version, or borry frum naybors. heh heh.) 1 cup Lithium Lye, with Deuterium, war surplus store USGummint #3039924057394XD 1 1 to 3 volt, 30 amp pahr splah hell, bild it, use pappy's arc welder, or whutever. 1 special currint reggalater bild it. (figger 3, end of chapter) 1 Kickass(tm) 8 week high-reliability ain'tchoo gotta hardware timer or equiv'lint bin? Call up Bud's Scientific Splah. Don't let on whut it's for. 1 big moonshahn crock, with lid. c'mon, ya gotta know where ta git basics! th' usual wahr an' stuff, as requahred. How d'ya do it, Joe? _____________________ Wal, ya find a ol' shack on a hill somewheres that still got pahr goin' to it. (Elsewise, ya gots ta use a whole lotta ol' truck batt'ries, which is tuff ta hump around.) Put th' crock in th' shack, and pour th' Jolt water inta it. Stir in th' Lithium Lye, slow an' careful. Don't splash none, an' don't add th' stuff too quick, now. Cover it real taht, so's ya don't lose too much. Y'all don't wanna hafta sneak inta th' navybase again, do ya? Them guys got guns & stuff and they ain't afraid ta use it. So, ennyway, see, ya bild the pahr splah, an' ya bild th' currint reggalater in figger 3 at th' end of th' chapter, the one with the special shunt cirkit fer changin' the currint. Thet's whar th' Kickass tahmer goes. Test it ta be sure that th' current starts at about 30 amps and goes down ta 10 or 15 when th' tahmer goes off. Bild th' other stuff lahk in figger 2. Cart th' whole mess down ta th' shack, and put th' bizniz end inta the Jolt water. Don't leave th' lid off too long, now. Cover it up good, an' duck tape it, specially th' place wher the wahrs come out. Ah got me some motorcycle ground strap, which is read'ly avail'ble an' flat, so it don't queer up the fit o' the lid. Bolt the straps down real secure, an' put vaseline on th' bolts. Now, set th' Kickass tahmer fer 8 weeks, plug th' pahr splah in, make sure ya got 30 amps, an' take a hike. 'Member, neutrons ain't yer frens. Keep ol' Blue away from th' shack unless ya want two-headed puppies runnin' around eatin' too much, probly worrit yore mom no end, an' if ya gotta go in ther ta check, don't stay long. Ya want ol' Joe's advice, after around 7 weeks, don't go in ther atall. This hear makes a real 'hot flash', an' in fact, it's whut this book is named fer. Y'all kin see th' flash from a couple mahls away, raht through th' av'ridge wall, so don't go bildin' it in yer basemit. Got thet? No need ta keep it too close ta home, raht? Ya kin get caught with it if it's too close. Besides, ya don't want yer sister fahndin' out wher her earrin's got off ta. She probly woont lahk it, an' she'll make ya cut her in on the deal. 'Course, thet maht not be too bad, if she's good with a soldrin' ahrn. Probly bilds good pahr splahs, an that's importunt ta this 'hot flash'. Ah got trouble, Joe. Now whut? ______________________________ Whut happen Whut ta do ___________________________________________________________________________ ya hair falls out Dummy! I tol' ya not ta stan' aroun' up in hanks close-lahk! Thow away yer clothin', an' take lots o' shahrs. Eat some vitamin E, an' call th' doc ef'n it don't stop in a spell. red skin & funny spots same thing. juice won't drop to shunt circuit screwed up, or ya bought a cheap 10-15 amps tahmer. Don't bah you no cheap tahmers! no flash after 8 th' Authority mebbe cut yer pahr. Wait 2 more weeks is gone bah weeks an' then check fer pahr at the wall sockit. Ef thet don't work, check the pahr splah. Ah tol' ya yer sister probly bild it better then you, ya shoulda listened. Also check th' tahmer. 'Member whut ah sed about cheap ones! Big wet spot ya crock leak? If no leaks, check the roof. If the roof leaks, don't worrit yerself. If th' crock leaks, fix it quick. 'lectrode turns brown probly yer Lithium Lye is contaminatid. Ya can give it up, or start over. runs hot only happins once in a whahl. Swipe Grampa's ol' still-tubin', an' make lahk a li'l still coil with it. Jes' run th' outlet back inta the crock. Duck tape the whole mess real good. If thet ain't enuf, use a truck radiater. Don't drink the stuff, neither! Taste lahk hell, take it from one that knows. Youall have fun, now. Ef ya hit the sweet spot, th' hill will glow fer munths. Thet means you done real good! Set up a "myst'ry spot" sahn, an' charge th' city folks a dollar a look. Yore Frend, Joe -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. Date: Thu, 23 Feb 89 19:05:59 CST From: someone To: someone else Subject: good luck message Did you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men? 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane. 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, insolvent. 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide. The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent. CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF This letter originated in The Netherlands, has been passed around the world at least 20 times, bringing good luck to everyone who passed it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck. Do not keep this letter. Do not send money. Just have your wonderful, efficient cpu make five additional copies and send it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken. This is not a joke. You will receive good luck in four days. From @MCC.COM:werner%sw.MCC.COM@MCC.COM Tue Jun 6 19:02:37 1989 Flags: 000000000201 From: frankel@Think.COM 1-Jun-89 1634 EDT To: sollins@lcs.mit.edu,toby@lcs.mit.edu Subj: The Hacker Test - Version 1.0 THE HACKER TEST - Version 1.0 Preface: 06.16.89 This test was conceived and written by Felix Lee, John Hayes and Angela Thomas at the end of the spring semester, 1989. It has gone through many revisions prior to this initial release, and will undoubtedly go through many more. (Herewith a compendium of fact and folklore about computer hackerdom, cunningly disguised as a test.) Scoring - Count 1 for each item that you have done, or each question that you can answer correctly. If you score is between: You are 0x000 and 0x010 -> Computer Illiterate 0x011 and 0x040 -> a User 0x041 and 0x080 -> an Operator 0x081 and 0x0C0 -> a Nerd 0x0C1 and 0x100 -> a Hacker 0x101 and 0x180 -> a Guru 0x181 and 0x200 -> a Wizard Note: If you don't understand the scoring, stop here. And now for the questions... 0001 Have you ever used a computer? 0002 ... for more than 4 hours continuously? 0003 ... more than 8 hours? 0004 ... more than 16 hours? 0005 ... more than 32 hours? 0006 Have you ever patched paper tape? 0007 Have you ever missed a class while programming? 0008 ... Missed an examination? 0009 ... Missed a wedding? 0010 ... Missed your own wedding? 0011 Have you ever programmed while intoxicated? 0012 ... Did it make sense the next day? 0013 Have you ever written a flight simulator? 0014 Have you ever voided the warranty on your equipment? 0015 Ever change the value of 4? 0016 ... Unintentionally? 0017 ... In a language other than Fortran? 0018 Do you use DWIM to make life interesting? 0019 Have you named a computer? 0020 Do you complain when a "feature" you use gets fixed? 0021 Do you eat slime-molds? 0022 Do you know how many days old you are? 0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza? 0024 Have you ever invented a computer joke? 0025 ... Did someone not 'get' it? 0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky? 0027 ... Backwards? 0028 Have you seen "Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land"? 0029 Have you seen "Tron"? 0030 Have you seen "Wargames"? 0031 Do you know what ASCII stands for? 0032 ... EBCDIC? 0033 Can you read and write ASCII in hex or octal? 0034 Do you know the names of all the ASCII control codes? 0035 Can you read and write EBCDIC in hex? 0036 Can you convert from EBCDIC to ASCII and vice versa? 0037 Do you know what characters are the same in both ASCII and EBCDIC? 0038 Do you know maxint on your system? 0039 Ever define your own numerical type to get better precision? 0040 Can you name powers of two up to 2**16 in arbitrary order? 0041 ... up to 2**32? 0042 ... up to 2**64? 0043 Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes? 0044 ... feeling the holes? 0045 Have you ever patched binary code? 0046 ... While the program was running? 0047 Have you ever used program overlays? 0048 Have you met any IBM vice-president? 0049 Do you know Dennis, Bill, or Ken? 0050 Have you ever taken a picture of a CRT? 0051 Have you ever played a videotape on your CRT? 0052 Have you ever digitized a picture? 0053 Did you ever forget to mount a scratch monkey? 0054 Have you ever optimized an idle loop? 0055 Did you ever optimize a bubble sort? 0056 Does your terminal/computer talk to you? 0057 Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem? 0058 ... Did it answer? 0059 Can you whistle 300 baud? 0060 ... 1200 baud? 0061 Can you whistle a telephone number? 0062 Have you witnessed a disk crash? 0063 Have you made a disk drive "walk"? 0064 Can you build a puffer train? 0065 ... Do you know what it is? 0066 Can you play music on your line printer? 0067 ... Your disk drive? 0068 ... Your tape drive? 0069 Do you have a Snoopy calendar? 0070 ... Is it out-of-date? 0071 Do you have a line printer picture of... 0072 ... the Mona Lisa? 0073 ... the Enterprise? 0074 ... Einstein? 0075 ... Oliver? 0076 Have you ever made a line printer picture? 0077 Do you know what the following stand for? 0078 ... DASD 0079 ... Emacs 0080 ... ITS 0081 ... RSTS/E 0082 ... SNA 0083 ... Spool 0084 ... TCP/IP Have you ever used 0085 ... TPU? 0086 ... TECO? 0087 ... Emacs? 0088 ... ed? 0089 ... vi? 0090 ... Xedit (in VM/CMS)? 0091 ... SOS? 0092 ... EDT? 0093 ... Wordstar? 0094 Have you ever written a CLIST? Have you ever programmed in 0095 ... the X windowing system? 0096 ... CICS? 0097 Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy? 0098 Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key? 0099 ... Was it the power switch? Have you ever attended 0100 ... Usenix? 0101 ... DECUS? 0102 ... SHARE? 0103 ... SIGGRAPH? 0104 ... NetCon? 0105 Have you ever participated in a standards group? 0106 Have you ever debugged machine code over the telephone? 0107 Have you ever seen voice mail? 0108 ... Can you read it? 0109 Do you solve word puzzles with an on-line dictionary? 0110 Have you ever taken a Turing test? 0111 ... Did you fail? 0112 Ever drop a card deck? 0113 ... Did you successfully put it back together? 0114 ... Without looking? 0115 Have you ever used IPCS? 0116 Have you ever received a case of beer with your computer? 0117 Does your computer come in 'designer' colors? 0118 Ever interrupted a UPS? 0119 Ever mask an NMI? 0120 Have you ever set off a Halon system? 0121 ... Intentionally? 0122 ... Do you still work there? 0123 Have you ever hit the emergency power switch? 0124 ... Intentionally? 0125 Do you have any defunct documentation? 0126 ... Do you still read it? 0127 Ever reverse-engineer or decompile a program? 0128 ... Did you find bugs in it? 0129 Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer? 0130 Ever tried rack mounting your telephone? 0131 Ever thrown a computer from more than two stories high? 0132 Ever patched a bug the vendor does not acknowledge? 0133 Ever fix a hardware problem in software? 0134 ... Vice versa? 0135 Ever belong to a user/support group? 0136 Ever been mentioned in Computer Recreations? 0137 Ever had your activities mentioned in the newspaper? 0138 ... Did you get away with it? 0139 Ever engage a drum brake while the drum was spinning? 0140 Ever write comments in a non-native language? 0141 Ever physically destroy equipment from software? 0142 Ever tried to improve your score on the Hacker Test? 0143 Do you take listings with you to lunch? 0144 ... To bed? 0145 Ever patch a microcode bug? 0146 ... around a microcode bug? 0147 Can you program a Turing machine? 0148 Can you convert postfix to prefix in your head? 0149 Can you convert hex to octal in your head? 0150 Do you know how to use a Kleene star? 0151 Have you ever starved while dining with philosophers? 0152 Have you solved the halting problem? 0153 ... Correctly? 0154 Ever deadlock trying eating spaghetti? 0155 Ever written a self-reproducing program? 0156 Ever swapped out the swapper? 0157 Can you read a state diagram? 0158 ... Do you need one? 0159 Ever create an unkillable program? 0160 ... Intentionally? 0161 Ever been asked for a cookie? 0162 Ever speed up a system by removing a jumper? * Do you know... 0163 Do you know who wrote Rogue? 0164 ... Rogomatic? 0165 Do you know Gray code? 0166 Do you know what HCF means? 0167 ... Ever use it? 0168 ... Intentionally? 0169 Do you know what a lace card is? 0170 ... Ever make one? 0171 Do you know the end of the epoch? 0172 ... Have you celebrated the end of an epoch? 0173 ... Did you have to rewrite code? 0174 Do you know the difference between DTE and DCE? 0175 Do you know the RS-232C pinout? 0176 ... Can you wire a connector without looking? * Do you have... 0177 Do you have a copy of Dec Wars? 0178 Do you have the Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes? 0179 Do you have a copy of the Hacker's dictionary? 0180 ... Did you contribute to it? 0181 Do you have a flowchart template? 0182 ... Is it unused? 0183 Do you have your own fortune-cookie file? 0184 Do you have the Anarchist's Cookbook? 0185 ... Ever make anything from it? 0186 Do you own a modem? 0187 ... a terminal? 0188 ... a toy computer? 0189 ... a personal computer? 0190 ... a minicomputer? 0191 ... a mainframe? 0192 ... a supercomputer? 0193 ... a hypercube? 0194 ... a printer? 0195 ... a laser printer? 0196 ... a tape drive? 0197 ... an outmoded peripheral device? 0198 Do you have a programmable calculator? 0199 ... Is it RPN? 0200 Have you ever owned more than 1 computer? 0201 ... 4 computers? 0202 ... 16 computers? 0203 Do you have a SLIP line? 0204 ... a T1 line? 0205 Do you have a separate phone line for your terminal/computer? 0206 ... Is it legal? 0207 Do you have core memory? 0208 ... drum storage? 0209 ... bubble memory? 0210 Do you use more than 16 megabytes of disk space? 0211 ... 256 megabytes? 0212 ... 1 gigabyte? 0213 ... 16 gigabytes? 0214 ... 256 gigabytes? 0215 ... 1 terabyte? 0216 Do you have an optical disk/disk drive? 0217 Do you have a personal magnetic tape library? 0218 ... Is it unlabelled? 0219 Do you own more than 16 floppy disks? 0220 ... 64 floppy disks? 0221 ... 256 floppy disks? 0222 ... 1024 floppy disks? 0223 Do you have any 8-inch disks? 0224 Do you have an internal stack? 0225 Do you have a clock interrupt? 0226 Do you own volumes 1 to 3 of _The Art of Computer Programming_? 0227 ... Have you done all the exercises? 0228 ... Do you have a MIX simulator? 0229 ... Can you name the unwritten volumes? 0230 Can you quote from _The Mythical Man-month_? 0231 ... Did you participate in the OS/360 project? 0232 Do you have a TTL handbook? 0233 Do you have printouts more than three years old? * Career 0234 Do you have a job? 0235 ... Have you ever had a job? 0236 ... Was it computer-related? 0237 Do you work irregular hours? 0238 Have you ever been a system administrator? 0239 Do you have more megabytes than megabucks? 0240 Have you ever downgraded your job to upgrade your processing power? 0241 Is your job secure? 0242 ... Do you have code to prove it? 0243 Have you ever had a security clearance? * Games 0244 Have you ever played Pong? Have you ever played 0246 ... Spacewar? 0247 ... Star Trek? 0248 ... Wumpus? 0249 ... Lunar Lander? 0250 ... Empire? Have you ever beaten 0251 ... Moria 4.8? 0252 ... Rogue 3.6? 0253 ... Rogue 5.3? 0254 ... Larn? 0255 ... Hack 1.0.3? 0256 ... Nethack 2.4? 0257 Can you get a better score on Rogue than Rogomatic? 0258 Have you ever solved Adventure? 0259 ... Zork? 0260 Have you ever written any redcode? 0261 Have you ever written an adventure program? 0262 ... a real-time game? 0263 ... a multi-player game? 0264 ... a networked game? 0265 Can you out-doctor Eliza? * Hardware 0266 Have you ever used a light pen? 0267 ... did you build it? Have you ever used 0268 ... a teletype? 0269 ... a paper tape? 0270 ... a decwriter? 0271 ... a card reader/punch? 0272 ... a SOL? Have you ever built 0273 ... an Altair? 0274 ... a Heath/Zenith computer? Do you know how to use 0275 ... an oscilliscope? 0276 ... a voltmeter? 0277 ... a frequency counter? 0278 ... a logic probe? 0279 ... a wirewrap tool? 0280 ... a soldering iron? 0281 ... a logic analyzer? 0282 Have you ever designed an LSI chip? 0283 ... has it been fabricated? 0284 Have you ever etched a printed circuit board? * Historical 0285 Have you ever toggled in boot code on the front panel? 0286 ... from memory? 0287 Can you program an Eniac? 0288 Ever seen a 90 column card? * IBM 0289 Do you recite IBM part numbers in your sleep? 0290 Do you know what IBM part number 7320154 is? 0291 Do you understand 3270 data streams? 0292 Do you know what the VM privilege classes are? 0293 Have you IPLed an IBM off the tape drive? 0294 ... off a card reader? 0295 Can you sing something from the IBM Songbook? * Languages 0296 Do you know more than 4 programming languages? 0297 ... 8 languages? 0298 ... 16 languages? 0299 ... 32 languages? 0300 Have you ever designed a programming language? 0301 Do you know what Basic stands for? 0302 ... Pascal? 0303 Can you program in Basic? 0304 ... Do you admit it? 0305 Can you program in Cobol? 0306 ... Do you deny it? 0307 Do you know Pascal? 0308 ... Modula-2? 0309 ... Oberon? 0310 ... More that two Wirth languages? 0311 ... Can you recite a Nicklaus Wirth joke? 0312 Do you know Algol-60? 0313 ... Algol-W? 0314 ... Algol-68? 0315 ... Do you understand the Algol-68 report? 0316 ... Do you like two-level grammars? 0317 Can you program in assembler on 2 different machines? 0318 ... on 4 different machines? 0319 ... on 8 different machines? Do you know 0320 ... APL? 0321 ... Ada? 0322 ... BCPL? 0323 ... C++? 0324 ... C? 0325 ... Comal? 0326 ... Eiffel? 0327 ... Forth? 0328 ... Fortran? 0329 ... Hypertalk? 0330 ... Icon? 0331 ... Lisp? 0332 ... Logo? 0333 ... MIIS? 0334 ... MUMPS? 0335 ... PL/I? 0336 ... Pilot? 0337 ... Plato? 0338 ... Prolog? 0339 ... RPG? 0340 ... Rexx (or ARexx)? 0341 ... SETL? 0342 ... Smalltalk? 0343 ... Snobol? 0344 ... VHDL? 0345 ... any assembly language? 0346 Can you talk VT-100? 0347 ... Postscript? 0348 ... SMTP? 0349 ... UUCP? 0350 ... English? * Micros 0351 Ever copy a copy-protected disk? 0352 Ever create a copy-protection scheme? 0353 Have you ever made a "flippy" disk? 0354 Have you ever recovered data from a damaged disk? 0355 Ever boot a naked floppy? * Networking 0356 Have you ever been logged in to two different timezones at once? 0357 Have you memorized the UUCP map for your country? 0358 ... For any country? 0359 Have you ever found a sendmail bug? 0360 ... Was it a security hole? 0361 Have you memorized the HOSTS.TXT table? 0362 ... Are you up to date? 0363 Can you name all the top-level nameservers and their addresses? 0364 Do you know RFC-822 by heart? 0365 ... Can you recite all the errors in it? 0366 Have you written a Sendmail configuration file? 0367 ... Does it work? 0368 ... Do you mumble "defocus" in your sleep? 0369 Do you know the max packet lifetime? * Operating systems Can you use 0370 ... BSD Unix? 0371 ... non-BSD Unix? 0372 ... AIX 0373 ... VM/CMS? 0374 ... VMS? 0375 ... MVS? 0376 ... VSE? 0377 ... RSTS/E? 0378 ... CP/M? 0379 ... COS? 0380 ... NOS? 0381 ... CP-67? 0382 ... RT-11? 0383 ... MS-DOS? 0384 ... Finder? 0385 ... PRODOS? 0386 ... more than one OS for the TRS-80? 0387 ... Tops-10? 0388 ... Tops-20? 0389 ... OS-9? 0390 ... OS/2? 0391 ... AOS/VS? 0392 ... Multics? 0393 ... ITS? 0394 ... Vulcan? 0395 Have you ever paged or swapped off a tape drive? 0396 ... Off a card reader/punch? 0397 ... Off a teletype? 0398 ... Off a networked (non-local) disk? 0399 Have you ever found an operating system bug? 0400 ... Did you exploit it? 0401 ... Did you report it? 0402 ... Was your report ignored? 0403 Have you ever crashed a machine? 0404 ... Intentionally? * People 0405 Do you know any people? 0406 ... more than one? 0407 ... more than two? * Personal 0408 Are your shoelaces untied? 0409 Do you interface well with strangers? 0410 Are you able to recite phone numbers for half-a-dozen computer systems but unable to recite your own? 0411 Do you log in before breakfast? 0412 Do you consume more than LD-50 caffeine a day? 0413 Do you answer either-or questions with "yes"? 0414 Do you own an up-to-date copy of any operating system manual? 0415 ... *every* operating system manual? 0416 Do other people have difficulty using your customized environment? 0417 Do you dream in any programming languages? 0418 Do you have difficulty focusing on three-dimensional objects? 0419 Do you ignore mice? 0420 Do you despise the CAPS LOCK key? 0421 Do you believe menus belong in restaurants? 0422 Do you have a Mandelbrot hanging on your wall? 0423 Have you ever decorated with magnetic tape or punched cards? 0424 Do you have a disk platter or a naked floppy hanging in your home? 0425 Have you ever seen the dawn? 0426 ... Twice in a row? 0427 Do you use "foobar" in daily conversation? 0428 ... "bletch"? 0429 Do you use the "P convention"? 0430 Do you automatically respond to any user question with RTFM? 0431 ... Do you know what it means? 0432 Do you think garbage collection means memory management? 0433 Do you have problems allocating horizontal space in your room/office? 0434 Do you read Scientific American in bars to pick up women? 0435 Is your license plate computer-related? 0436 Have you ever taken the Purity test? 0437 Ever have an out-of-CPU experience? 0438 Have you ever set up a blind date over the computer? 0439 Do you talk to the person next to you via computer? * Programming 0440 Can you write a Fortran compiler? 0441 ... In TECO? 0442 Can you read a machine dump? 0443 Can you disassemble code in your head? Have you ever written 0444 ... a compiler? 0445 ... an operating system? 0446 ... a device driver? 0447 ... a text processor? 0448 ... a display hack? 0449 ... a database system? 0450 ... an expert system? 0451 ... an edge detector? 0452 ... a real-time control system? 0453 ... an accounting package? 0454 ... a virus? 0455 ... a prophylactic? 0456 Have you ever written a biorhythm program? 0457 ... Did you sell the output? 0458 ... Was the output arbitrarily invented? 0459 Have you ever computed pi to more than a thousand decimal places? 0460 ... the number e? 0461 Ever find a prime number of more than a hundred digits? 0462 Have you ever written self-modifying code? 0463 ... Are you proud of it? 0464 Did you ever write a program that ran correctly the first time? 0465 ... Was it longer than 20 lines? 0466 ... 100 lines? 0467 ... Was it in assembly language? 0468 ... Did it work the second time? 0469 Can you solve the Towers of Hanoi recursively? 0470 ... Non-recursively? 0471 ... Using the Troff text formatter? 0472 Ever submit an entry to the Obfuscated C code contest? 0473 ... Did it win? 0474 ... Did your entry inspire a new rule? 0475 Do you know Duff's device? 0476 Do you know Jensen's device? 0477 Ever spend ten minutes trying to find a single-character error? 0478 ... More than an hour? 0479 ... More than a day? 0480 ... More than a week? 0481 ... Did the first person you show it to find it immediately? * Unix 0482 Can you use Berkeley Unix? 0483 .. Non-Berkeley Unix? 0484 Can you distinguish between sections 4 and 5 of the Unix manual? 0485 Can you find TERMIO in the System V release 2 documentation? 0486 Have you ever mounted a tape as a Unix file system? 0487 Have you ever built Minix? 0488 Can you answer "quiz function ed-command" correctly? 0489 ... How about "quiz ed-command function"? * Usenet 0490 Do you read news? 0491 ... More than 32 newsgroups? 0492 ... More than 256 newsgroups? 0493 ... All the newsgroups? 0494 Have you ever posted an article? 0495 ... Do you post regularly? 0496 Have you ever posted a flame? 0497 ... Ever flame a cross-posting? 0498 ... Ever flame a flame? 0499 ... Do you flame regularly? 0500 Ever have your program posted to a source newsgroup? 0501 Ever forge a posting? 0502 Ever form a new newsgroup? 0503 ... Does it still exist? 0504 Do you remember 0505 ... mod.ber? 0506 ... the Stupid People's Court? 0507 ... Bandy-grams? * Phreaking 0508 Have you ever built a black box? 0509 Can you name all of the 'colors' of boxes? 0510 ... and their associated functions? 0511 Does your touch tone phone have 16 DTMF buttons on it? 0512 Did the breakup of MaBell create more opportunities for you? From tas@dcc1.UUCP Wed Jun 1 21:52:26 1988 From: tas@dcc1.UUCP (N. Tasova) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: "How to Cook a Berkeley Student" by the wharf rat Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle Date: 2 Jun 88 02:52:26 GMT I was going through my old files and found this jewel that was posted about two years ago by the wharf rat. In response to the recent spate of rodent-recipes, I offer the following as an example of true haut' cuisine: How to Cook a Berkeley Student Ingredients: One large or two small Berkeley Students. Ketchup. 2 large cloves garlic. Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening.(Lard may be substituted). 1 keg cheap beer. 1 lb. alfalfa sprouts. 2 lbs. assorted health foods, such as tofu or yogurt. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- First, catch a Berkeley Student. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully seperate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any pencils, calculators, slide rules, or illegal drugs and discard. Clean the Student as you would squid, but do not seperate the tentacles from the body. If you have an older Student, such as a Graduate Student in Math , you may wish to tenderize by pounding the Student on a rock with a surfboard or other flat heavy object. Next, pour 1/2 of the keg of beer into a bath-tub and soak the Student in the beer for at least 12 hours. (If your Student belonged to a fraternity you may skip this step.) When the Student is sufficiently soaked, remove any clothes the Student may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover the Student with Crisco, using a slow circular motion, and taking care to cover every inch of the Student's body with the shortening. If it looks like fun, you may also cover your own body with Crisco. Be sure to remove your clothes first, if you do. Now post a request for Rogue source to net.general. Be sure to ask what "S.O." and "M.O.T.A.S." mean. Post at least 3 copies of this to ensure adequate flames for cooking your Student. When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Student on top of your terminal until it's well tanned and the hair turns bleached blond. Be careful not to overcook, or the Berkeley Student may become radical. Make a sauce by combining the previously reserved ego, the alfafa sprouts, and ketchup to taste using cat(1) (see note). Redirect the output to your blender and puree' until smooth. Slice the Berkeley Student as you would any turkey, and serve accompanied by the assorted health foods and the remaining beer. Yum!,Yum!, the wharf rat note: use this command to make the sauce: cat ego sprouts ketchup >blender |puree -- gatech!dcc1!tas -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes to {watmath|att}!looking!funny . One joke per submission, with descriptive "Subject:" and no form feeds, please! Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. From davidt@psuhcx Tue Aug 2 22:30:02 1988 Path: utastro!cs.utexas.edu!rutgers!gatech!mcdchg!clyde!watmath!looking!funny From: davidt@psuhcx (Thomas S. David) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: taking notes... Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle Message-ID: <1895@looking.UUCP> Date: 3 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Organization: Penn State University Engineering Computer Lab Lines: 55 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP To all those Freshman note takers out there....here's an example of good note taking :-).... *********************** * HOW TO TAKE NOTES * *********************** WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS: YOU WRITE: "Probably the greatest quality of the poetry of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the combination of beauty and power. Few have John Milton--born 1608 excelled him in the use of the English language, or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest single poem ever written." "When Lafayette first came to this country, he discovered America. The Americans needed his Lafayette discovered America help if their cause was to survive, and this he promptly supplied them." "Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now face doubt the complete advantageousness the United States are directly of some of Roosevelt's policies" traceable to the bungling and greed of President Roosevelt. "...it is possible that we do Professor Mitchell is a communist not understand the Russian viewpoint..." "The puissance of hydrochloric acid is incontestable; however, Hydrochloric acid eats the hell the corrosive residue is out of steel inharmonious with metallic persistance." ********* E-mail dst@psuecl -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . One joke per submission, with descriptive "Subject:" and no form feeds, please! Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. From dilip@cs.utexas.edu Fri Oct 7 09:11:39 1988 Path: utastro!cs.utexas.edu!dilip From: dilip@cs.utexas.edu (Dilip DSouza) Newsgroups: ut.general,austin.general Subject: MadHatterDay Message-ID: <3489@cs.utexas.edu> Date: 7 Oct 88 14:11:39 GMT Distribution: austin Organization: U. Texas CS Dept., Austin, Texas Lines: 67 Unfortunately, this is a day late, but still, do go out and celebrate. cheers, dilip. =============== Third MadHatterDay October 6, 1988 marks the third celebration of MadHatterDay. April Fools' Day isn't enough; MadHatterDay is intended to be a second silly day in the year. On MadHatterDay you don't have to be a politician (or even wear a suit) in order to go about saying outrageous things that no sane person could believe. Non-sequiturs are the order of the day...marketing claims and campaign promises merge with reality...television is wisdom...news- papers contain news... Why October 6? The illustrations (by John Tenniel) accompanying the original _Alice's_Adventures_in_Wonderland_ show the Mad Hatter wearing a hat with a slip of paper saying "In this style 10/6-". Never mind that "10/6-" really meant "ten shillings sixpence" (after all, time IS money, right?)--just take it as guidance to behave "in the style" of the Mad Hatter on October 6. (That is a US interpretation; in Britain, the holiday is celebrated on June 10.) Although the date for MadHatterDay is chosen according to the logic (?) indicated, it is also set almost precisely six months away from April Fools' Day (to provide a well-timed second silly day) and in the full of the election season--which seems particularly appropriate this year. There's plenty of madness about us, if we just look: - the 3-piece suit: Does this REALLY make sense? Do you really trust major monetary decisions to people who wear at least three layers of clothing in the summertime?...with a special device to restrict blood flow to the brain while making the decisions? - the automobile: Do you REALLY believe that we distill the juice from rotten dinosaur food and explode it in metal boxes in order to travel about? - exercise: Do you understand why folks strive to get out of manual labor and into a desk job...and then join a health club because they don't get any exercise otherwise? - food: Why do we spend equal amounts on excessive food and on diet gimmicks/plans? - Daylight Savings Time: Do you really think there's an extra hour in the summertime? Does resetting the clock change anything? (There are--honest!--proposals for "year-'round DST". People actually prefer getting up at 7 on a clock set an hour ahead to getting up at 6!) The truly mad person is the one who takes our world seriously. +---------+ | In This | | Style | | 10/6- | +---------+ -- Dick Dunn UUCP: {ncar,nbires}!ico!rcd (303)449-2870 ...Are you making this up as you go along? =============== -- You killed my father. Prepare to die. Dilip D'Souza. University of Texas, CS Department. dilip@cs.utexas.edu From spaf@cs.purdue.edu Wed Jul 5 01:04:30 1989 Flags: 000000000201 From: Allen Akin Subject: Warranty Card (in case you missed it) M M DDDD ll ll MM MM D D l l M M M M D D l l M M M ccc D D ooo n nn n nn eee l l M M c D D o o nn n nn n e e l l M M c D D o o n n n n eeeee l l M M c D D o o n n n n e l l M M ccc DDDD ooo n n n n eee lll lll DDDD ll D D l D D l aaa D D ooo u u ggg l a ssss D D o o u u g g l aa a s D D o o u u g g l a aa sss D D o o u uu g gg l a a s DDDD ooo uu u gg g lll aaa a ssss g ggg AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES Important! Important! Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________ Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________ Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________ 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? _F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-19A Stealth _Classified 3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________ 4. Serial Number____________________ 5. Please check where this product was purchased: _Received as Gift/Aid Package _Catalog Showroom _Sleazy Arms Broker _Mail Order _Discount Store _Government Surplus _Classified 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: _Heard loud noise, looked up _Store Display _Espionage _Recommended by friend/relative/ally _Political lobbying by Manufacturer _Was attacked by one 7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: _Style/Appearance _Kickback/Bribe _Recommended by salesperson _Speed/Maneuverability _Comfort/Convenience _McDonnell Douglas Reputation _Advanced Weapons Systems _Price/Value _Back-Room Politics _Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used: _North America _Central/South America _Aircraft Carrier _Europe _Middle East _Africa _Asia/Far East _Misc. Third-World Countries _Classified 9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future: Product Own Intend to purchase Color TV VCR ICBM Killer Satellite CD Player Air-to-Air Missiles Space Shuttle Home Computer Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply: _Communist/Socialist _Terrorist _Crazed (Islamic) _Crazed (Other) _Neutral _Democratic _Dictatorship _Corrupt (Latin American) _Corrupt (Other) _Primitive/Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? _Cash _Suitcases of Cocaine _Oil Revenues _Deficit Spending _Personal Check _Credit Card _Ransom Money _Traveler's Check 12. Occupation You Your Spouse Homemaker Sales/Marketing Revolutionary Clerical Mercenary Tyrant Middle Management Eccentric Billionaire Defense Minister/General Retired Student 13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: Activity/Interest You Your Spouse Golf Boating/Sailing Sabotage Running/Jogging Propaganda/Disinformation Destabilizing/Overthrow Default on Loans Gardening Crafts Black Market/Smuggling Collectibles/Collections Watching Sports on TV Wines Interrogation/Torture Household Pets Crushing Rebellions Espionage/Reconnaissance Fashion Clothing Border Disputes Mutually Assured Destruction Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division P.O. Box 800 St. Louis, MO 55500 ------- End of Forwarded Message From moriarty@tc.fluke.COM.UUCP Mon Aug 8 10:30:03 1988 From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM.UUCP (Jeff Meyer) Subject: Miss Dish's Lament Keywords: long, chuckle [originally posted in rec.arts.movies] This was taken from the program of the 14th Seattle International Film Festival, published anonymously under the title "Miss Dish's Lament"; as it addressed several of my personal film-viewing peeves in a particularly humorous manner, I thought you might enjoy it also. ============================================================================== Despite our continued efforts to teach basic manners to our patrons ("Minsky's Guide to Film Festival Etiquette," SIFF '86; "Joan's Rules," SIFF '87) it seems as though some people just won't learn. Or perhaps it's just that they already have their own innate habits which, to them, just seem *proper*. You know who we're talking about -- those people who seem to obey four rules, and four rules only: * Wear a watch that beeps. * Ask visiting filmmakers stupid questions. * Hiss, to show how superior and politically correct they are. * Don't bathe; always sit in the best seats. One almost gets the feeling that these people are bringing about the end of civilized movie-going as we know it. Well, we have news for you. They're not the only ones. In cinemas across the country, cretins of every size, sex and color are popping up, making movie-going less and less enjoyable, and video rentals more and more appealing (Heaven forbid!). I'm sure you know exactly what kind of people I'm talking about, but just in case you don't, my good friend Dale Thomajan has listed them in the following comprehensive -- but non-exclusive -- step-by-step guide to behavior in the theatre: YOUNG COUPLES: * Arrive late. * Wonder why there's no line. * Hug and kiss frequently during movie. * Sit directly in front of me. SINGLE GUYS FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD: * Talk to movie. * Giggle during violent scenes. * Curse during love scenes. * Don't take no crap from *nobody*. SINGLE WOMEN OVER 40: * Find that cellophane ball they lovingly constructed as a girl. * Bring it to theatre. * Unwrap it during first film. * Re-wrap it during the second film. * Sit directly behind me. MARRIED COUPLES: * Remain totally silent until picture starts. * During title credits, start a conversation; continue it until picture ends. * When lights go on, remain completely silent until next picture starts. SENIOR CITIZENS: * Announce first appearance of everyone in cast ("That's Greta Garbo... Melvyn Douglas... Ina Claire"). * Read all on-screen signs, headlines, menus and letters out loud ("Danger -- Road Closed... Kane Elected"). * Note major plot developments out loud ("He's got a gun... The sister is at the window"). * Sing along with musical numbers. UPPERMIDDLEBROWS: * Attend every European comedy they can, particularly the bad ones. * Laugh at the unsubtitled dialogue. * Never laugh at the subtitled dialogue. * If the director appears in a cameo, laugh loudly to show that that they recognize them. * Talk softly so not to disturb others; fail. * Sit beside me. AGING COUNTERCULTURISTS: * Laugh at every American movie made before _Easy Rider_, except the comedies. * Affect bushy hairstyle. * Sit directly in front of me. * On the way out, ask manager to schedule Robert Downey (Sr.) festival. CINEASTS: * Enter theater shrieking "*Focus!*" * Race to your seat as credits begin. * Between films, look around theatre in search of blood brothers. * Carry latest issue of "Variety". OVERAGE COLLEGIANS: * Refer to all movies as "flicks". * Bring dinner. * Eat it. STRANGE MIDDLE-AGED MEN: * Dress *very* casually. * Go to matinees. * Change seats frequently. * Talk to movie. * Get into long arguments with the similarly afflicted. What's a proper lady or gentleman to do if this kind of etiquette continues to prevail at our movie houses? I say, don't sit back on your haunches and let such flagrant ignorance be paraded in front of you. If you're as mad as hell, chances are others are too, and whining to the manager, who's usually already overworked and underpaid, doesn't produce fast, absolute satisfaction. Direct action must be taken *immediately*, and this is what I'd suggest: Facing the heathen head-on, assume a strong, threatening stance, with legs apart and the hair on your neck standing up. Then, curl your upper lip, grit your teeth, and emit a low, barely audible growl. If this doesn't elicit the proper response (i.e. silence and fear), then a quick, sharp bite on the offender's leg should do the trick -- this almost always prompts them to rush from the theatre immediately, thereby making it a safe place once again for all creatures great and small... of the correct persuasion. "I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room." -- Blaise Pascal --- Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . One joke per submission, with descriptive "Subject:" and no form feeds, please! Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. From gmw1@cunixd.cc.columbia.edu Wed Mar 15 18:30:05 1989 Path: utastro!cs.utexas.edu!ssbn!looking!funny-request From: gmw1@cunixd.cc.columbia.edu (Gabe M Wiener) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Writing a research paper Keywords: chuckle Message-ID: <2953@looking.UUCP> Date: 16 Mar 89 00:30:05 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 100 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: uunet!cunixd.cc.columbia.edu!gmw1 (This is one of those xeroxes you keep seeing in your desk drawer. No idea where it originated.) GLOSSARY FOR RESEARCH PAPERS: Strictly Speaking THEY WRITE THEY MEAN It has long been known that... I haven't bothered to look up the original reference ...of great theoretical and practical ...interesting to me importance While it has not been possible to The experiments didn't work provide definite answers to these out, but I figured I could at questions. least get a publication out of it. The W-Pb system was chosen as The fellow in the next lab had especially suitable to show the some already made up predicted behavior... High purity... Composition unknown except Very high purity... for the exaggerated claims of Extremely high purity... the supplier Super-purity... Spectroscopically pure... A fiducial reference line... A scratch Three of the samples were The results of the others chosen for detailed study... didn't make sense and were ignored.. ...handled with extreme care during ...not dropped on the floor the experiments Typical results are shown... The best results are shown... Although some detail has been lost It is impossible to tell from in reproduction, it is clear from the the micrograph original micrograph that... Presumably at longer times... I didn't take the time to find out The agreement with the predicted fair curve is excellent good poor satisfactory doubtful fair imaginary ...as good as could be expected non-existent These results will be reported at I might get around to this a later date sometime The most reliable values are those He was a student of mine of Jones It is suggested that... It is believed that... I think... It may be that... It is generally believed that.... I have such a good objection to this answer that I shall now raise it. It is clear that much additional I don't understand it work will be required before a complete understanding... Unfortunately, a quantitative theory Neither does anybody else to account for these effects has not been formulated Correct within an order of magnitude Wrong It is to be hoped that this work This paper isn't very good but will stimulate further work in the field neither are any of the others on this miserable subject Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for Glotz did the work and Doe assistance with the experiments and explained what it meant. to John Doe for valuable discussions. ----------- Gabe Wiener Columbia University -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce. This one was just floating around and I don't know where it originated, but it seems like the appropriate time of the year to post. December 14th Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes -------------------------------------- December 15th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ------------------ December 16th Dear John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind. Love Agnes --------- December 17th Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes --------------------- December 18th Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ------------------ December 19th Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes ---------------- December 20th John: What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnes ---------------- December 21st OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS. Ag ---------------- December 22nd Hey Shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screeh. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petetion to evict me. You'll get yours. >From Ag ---------------- December 23rd You Rotten Prick: Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commisioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it, Ag -------------------- December 24th Listen Fuckhead: What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister -------------------------------------- December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar) Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of tweleve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Copied without permission, I wish I knew where it originated from. trm From singer@constance.rutgers.edu Tue May 24 04:54:09 1988 From: singer@constance.rutgers.edu (Hal Singer) Newsgroups: news.groups Subject: How to Properly Post Date: 24 May 88 09:54:09 GMT Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J. The USENET Guide to Power Posting 1. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't *possibly* be that you're a fuckhead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it. Be sure to mention the CIA, FBI Oliver North and the Army as co-conspiritors. 2. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #1. Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Charlie has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Charlie." 3. Force them to document their claims: Even if Jane Jones states outright that she has menstrual cramps, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Jane's cramps, then Jane's obviously lying. 4. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of USENET. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseam", "vini, vidi, vici", "E Pluribus Unum" and "fetuccini alfredo". 5. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ". 6. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy." 7. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a Communist, a fascist, or both. 8. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! Call'em an AI project, to really piss them off. 9. Laugh at whatever they write. A good "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" should intimidate just about anyone. 10. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career on USENET you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, you do strange things with vegetables." 11. And, if all else fails, remember that you can always fall back on the favorite defense of Soc.women: "Who cares what YOU think -- this is Soc.WOMEN!". Add "DAMMIT!" for effect. 12. Be sure to have a cute signature that proclaims that you are a man basher. No one will respect you unless it's clear that you hate men. 13. Call'em a "Pman" if you can't think of anything. Tell the linguists to stuff it -- YOU know a diminutive when you see it. 14. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot." 15. Cross-post your article: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere. 16. Use the smiley to your advantage. You can call anyone just about anything as long as you include the smiley. On really nasty attacks add "No flames, please". When they bitch, call them an ass for not being able to recognize sarcasm when they see it. 17. Threaten to destroy Soc.men if your opponent refuses to give up. This at least gives you an appearance of power, even if nobody on the net gives a damn about what goes on in soc.men. 18. Should you post something exceedingly stupid and later regret it, don't worry. You needn't cancel the article. That only shows what a wimp you really are. Deny that you ever sent it. "It must be a forgery!" (Yea, that's the ticket, it's a forgery!) "Someone broke into my account and sent it!" "It's that damn backbone cabal out to get me!" Take your pick, they've all been used before. 19. A really cheap shot is to call you opponent a "facist". By itself, it really does nothing. But, when used often, and in enough articles, it can make you a net-legend. 20. And finally, never edit your newsgroup line when following up (unless you're expanding it). This drives 'em wild. Be sure to follow up as many articles as possible, even if you have nothing to say. The important thing is to get "exposure" so that you can be called a "regular" in your pet newsgroup. Never change the ">" symbol when following up; that's for wimps. Dump a hundred lines of "INEWS FODDER" in every article. Now that you know the ways to properly post on USENET, let's try an example: In article <1452@sab.ck>, Bill Netter writes: > Dear Sally, I object to your use of the word "dear". It shows you are a condescending, sexist Pman. Also, the submissive tone you use shows that you like to be tied down and flagellated with licorice whips. > While I found your article "The Effect of Lint on Western Thought" > to be extremely thought-provoking, "Thought-provoking"? I had no idea you could think, you rotting piece of swamp slime. :-) (No flames, please) > it really shouldn't have been > posted in Soc.women. What? Are you questioning my judgment? I'll have you know that I'm a member of the super-high-IQ society Menstruate. I got an 800 on my PMS exam. Besides, what does a Pman like yourself know of such things. This is Soc.WOMEN, DAMMIT! Your attempts constitute nothing less than censorship. There is a conspiracy against me. You, Colin, Charlie and the backbone cabal have been constantly harassing me by email. This was an ad hominem attack! If this doesn't stop at once, I'll crosspost a thousand articles to soc.men. > Perhaps you should have posted it in misc.misc. It is my right, as granted in the Bill of Rights, the Magna Carta, the Bible and the Quran, to post where ever I want to. Or don't you believe in those documents, you damn fascist? Perhaps if you didn't spend so much time sacrificing virgins and infants to Satan, you would have realized this. > Your article would > be much more appropriate there. Can you document this? I will only accept documents notarized by my attorney, and signed by you in your blood. Besides, you don't really exist anyway, you Pseudo, you. > If I can be of any help in the future, just drop me a line. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! > Bill. Sally Sourpuss "If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all?" Soc.women Women WOMEN, DAMMIT! From werner@astro.as.UTEXAS.EDU Wed Mar 1 13:30:50 1989 Flags: 000000000201 From obrien@aero.UUCP Wed Mar 1 05:30:05 1989 Path: utastro!cs.utexas.edu!ssbn!looking!funny-request From: obrien@aero.UUCP Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: VAXen, my children, just don't belong some places Keywords: long, funny Message-ID: <2844@looking.UUCP> Date: 1 Mar 89 11:30:05 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 277 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!pyramid!verdix!ogccse!tektronix!aerospace.aero.org!sequent! aero!obrien ( I've never heard of the "WAR_STORIES" notefile; if you want to get back to the original author you'll have to go through "haroldh@think.com". I'm enclosing everything just as it reached me.) Mike O'Brien The Aerospace Corporation ============= Subj: Just extracted this from the WAR_STORIES notefile. Long but amusing. VAXen, my children, just don't belong some places. In my business, I am frequently called by small sites and startups having VAX problems. So when a friend of mine in an Extremely Large Financial Institution (ELFI) called me one day to ask for help, I was intrigued because this outfit is a really major VAX user - they have several large herds of VAXen - and plenty of sharp VAXherds to take care of them. So I went to see what sort of an ELFI mess they had gotten into. It seems they had shoved a small 750 with two RA60's running a single application, PC style, into a data center with two IBM 3090's and just about all the rest of the disk drives in the world. The computer room was so big it had three street addresses. The operators had only IBM experience and, to quote my friend, they were having "a little trouble adjusting to the VAX", were a bit hostile towards it and probably needed some help with system management. Hmmm, Hostility... Sigh. Well, I thought it was pretty ridiculous for an outfit with all that VAX muscle elsewhere to isolate a dinky old 750 in their Big Blue Country, and said so bluntly. But my friend patiently explained that although small, it was an "extremely sensitive and confidential application." It seems that the 750 had originally been properly clustered with the rest of a herd and in the care of one of their best VAXherds. But the trouble started when the Chief User went to visit his computer and its VAXherd. He came away visibly disturbed and immediately complained to the ELFI's Director of Data Processing that, "There are some very strange people in there with the computers." Now since this user person was the Comptroller of this Extremely Large Financial Institution, the 750 had been promptly hustled over to the IBM data center which the Comptroller said, "was a more suitable place." The people there wore shirts and ties and didn't wear head bands or cowboy hats. So my friend introduced me to the Comptroller, who turned out to be five feet tall, 85 and a former gnome of Zurich. He had a young apprentice gnome who was about 65. The two gnomes interviewed me in whispers for about an hour before they decided my modes of dress and speech were suitable for managing their system and I got the assignment. There was some confusion, understandably, when I explained that I would immediately establish a procedure for nightly backups. The senior gnome seemed to think I was going to put the computer in reverse, but the apprentice's son had an IBM PC and he quickly whispered that "backup" meant making a copy of a program borrowed from a friend and why was I doing that? Sigh. I was shortly introduced to the manager of the IBM data center, who greeted me with joy and anything but hostility. And the operators really weren't hostile - it just seemed that way. It's like the driver of a Mack 18 wheeler, with a condo behind the cab, who was doing 75 when he ran over a moped doing it's best to get away at 45. He explained sadly, "I really warn't mad at mopeds but to keep from runnin' over that'n, I'da had to slow down or change lanes!" Now the only operation they had figured out how to do on the 750 was reboot it. This was their universal cure for any and all problems. After all it works on a PC, why not a VAX? Was there a difference? Sigh. But I smiled and said, "No sweat, I'll train you. The first command you learn is HELP" and proceeded to type it in on the console terminal. So the data center manager, the shift supervisor and the eight day operators watched the LA100 buzz out the usual introductory text. When it finished they turned to me with expectant faces and I said in an avuncular manner, "This is your most important command!" The shift supervisor stepped forward and studied the text for about a minute. He then turned with a very puzzled expression on his face and asked, "What do you use it for?" Sigh. Well, I tried everything. I trained and I put the doc set on shelves by the 750 and I wrote a special 40 page doc set and then a four page doc set. I designed all kinds of command files to make complex operations into simple foreign commands and I taped a list of these simplified commands to the top of the VAX. The most successful move was adding my home phone number. The cheat sheets taped on the top of the CPU cabinet needed continual maintenance, however. It seems the VAX was in the quietest part of the data center, over behind the scratch tape racks. The operators ate lunch on the CPU cabinet and the sheets quickly became coated with pizza drippings, etc. But still the most used solution to hangups was a reboot and I gradually got things organized so that during the day when the gnomes were using the system, the operators didn't have to touch it. This smoothed things out a lot. Meanwhile, the data center was getting new TV security cameras, a halon gas fire extinguisher system and an immortal power source. The data center manager apologized because the VAX had not been foreseen in the plan and so could not be connected to immortal power. The VAX and I felt a little rejected but I made sure that booting on power recovery was working right. At least it would get going again quickly when power came back. Anyway, as a consolation prize, the data center manager said he would have one of the security cameras adjusted to cover the VAX. I thought to myself, "Great, now we can have 24 hour video tapes of the operators eating Chinese takeout on the CPU." I resolved to get a piece of plastic to cover the cheat sheets. One day, the apprentice gnome called to whisper that the senior was going to give an extremely important demonstration. Now I must explain that what the 750 was really doing was holding our National Debt. The Reagan administration had decided to privatize it and had quietly put it out for bid. My Extreme Large Financial Institution had won the bid for it and was, as ELFI's are wont to do, making an absolute bundle on the float. On Monday the Comptroller was going to demonstrate to the board of directors how he could move a trillion dollars from Switzerland to the Bahamas. The apprentice whispered, "Would you please look in on our computer? I'm sure everything will be fine, sir, but we will feel better if you are present. I'm sure you understand?" I did. Monday morning, I got there about five hours before the scheduled demo to check things over. Everything was cool. I was chatting with the shift supervisor and about to go upstairs to the Comptroller's office. Suddenly there was a power failure. The emergency lighting came on and the immortal power system took over the load of the IBM 3090's. They continued smoothly, but of course the VAX, still on city power, died. Everyone smiled and the dead 750 was no big deal because it was 7 AM and gnomes don't work before 10 AM. I began worrying about whether I could beg some immortal power from the data center manager in case this was a long outage. Immortal power in this system comes from storage batteries for the first five minutes of an outage. Promptly at one minute into the outage we hear the gas turbine powered generator in the sub-basement under us automatically start up getting ready to take the load on the fifth minute. We all beam at each other. At two minutes into the outage we hear the whine of the backup gas turbine generator starting. The 3090's and all those disk drives are doing just fine. Business as usual. The VAX is dead as a door nail but what the hell. At precisely five minutes into the outage, just as the gas turbine is taking the load, city power comes back on and the immortal power source commits suicide. Actually it was a double murder and suicide because it took both 3090's with it. So now the whole data center was dead, sort of. The fire alarm system had it's own battery backup and was still alive. The lead acid storage batteries of the immortal power system had been discharging at a furious rate keeping all those big blue boxes running and there was a significant amount of sulfuric acid vapor. Nothing actually caught fire but the smoke detectors were convinced it had. The fire alarm klaxon went off and the siren warning of imminent halon gas release was screaming. We started to panic but the data center manager shouted over the din, "Don't worry, the halon system failed its acceptance test last week. It's disabled and nothing will happen." He was half right, the primary halon system indeed failed to discharge. But the secondary halon system observed that the primary had conked and instantly did its duty, which was to deal with Dire Disasters. It had twice the capacity and six times the discharge rate. Now the ear splitting gas discharge under the raised floor was so massive and fast, it blew about half of the floor tiles up out of their framework. It came up through the floor into a communications rack and blew the cover panels off, decking an operator. Looking out across that vast computer room, we could see the air shimmering as the halon mixed with it. We stampeded for exits to the dying whine of 175 IBM disks. As I was escaping I glanced back at the VAX, on city power, and noticed the usual flickering of the unit select light on its system disk indicating it was happily rebooting. Twelve firemen with air tanks and axes invaded. There were frantic phone calls to the local IBM Field Service office because both the live and backup 3090's were down. About twenty minutes later, seventeen IBM CEs arrived with dozens of boxes and, so help me, a barrel. It seems they knew what to expect when an immortal power source commits murder. In the midst of absolute pandemonium, I crept off to the gnome office and logged on. After extensive checking it was clear that everything was just fine with the VAX and I began to calm down. I called the data center manager's office to tell him the good news. His secretary answered with, "He isn't expected to be available for some time. May I take a message?" I left a slightly smug note to the effect that, unlike some other computers, the VAX was intact and functioning normally. Several hours later, the gnome was whispering his way into a demonstration of how to flick a trillion dollars from country 2 to country 5. He was just coming to the tricky part, where the money had been withdrawn from Switzerland but not yet deposited in the Bahamas. He was proceeding very slowly and the directors were spellbound. I decided I had better check up on the data center. Most of the floor tiles were back in place. IBM had resurrected one of the 3090's and was running tests. What looked like a bucket brigade was working on the other one. The communication rack was still naked and a fireman was standing guard over the immortal power corpse. Life was returning to normal, but the Big Blue Country crew was still pretty shaky. Smiling proudly, I headed back toward the triumphant VAX behind the tape racks where one of the operators was eating a plump jelly bun on the 750 CPU. He saw me coming, turned pale and screamed to the shift supervisor, "Oh my God, we forgot about the VAX!" Then, before I could open my mouth, he rebooted it. It was Monday, 19-Oct-1987. VAXen, my children, just don't belong some places. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce. From "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM Fri Jun 17 11:52:28 1988 From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Another history lesson Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, funny Date: 17 Jun 88 16:52:28 GMT Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA [ These are making the rounds... Reportedly from "Verbatim" magazine ] John Worley posted this about a year ago: John Worley hplabs!dana!worley The World According to Student Bloopers Richard Lederer St. Paul's School One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul- tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter- ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained." During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec- tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup- posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu- tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. Henry Cate III -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . One joke per submission, with descriptive "Subject:" and no form feeds, please! Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.